


Tick Tock

by fandomsbetripping



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Future, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Eventual Romance, Falling In Love, Fluff, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Timers, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-11
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-02-08 10:52:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 42
Words: 119,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1938156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomsbetripping/pseuds/fandomsbetripping
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the prompt where people get a timer counting down to when they'll meet their soulmate. </p><p>In the future, the Department of Soulmates and Timers gives everyone a timer on their right hand counting down to when that specific person will meet their soulmate. This solves all romantic problems, divorces, breakups, and surprisingly, crime rate goes down by 90%. The world is a happier place. That is, up until Castiel Milton meets his soulmate. </p><p>Soon he finds himself facing in situations and problems that he would've never envisioned himself in before, and before he knows it, he's actually starting to like this soulmate, someone who he would've never even talked to before.</p><p>But when terror strikes, Castiel is plunged into something far bigger than he and his soulmate can handle. This is a story about love, hope, and sacrifice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. January 19th, 7:42:51 AM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do, they'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life, you have to take action, and you will. But never forget that on any day, you can step out the front door and your whole life can change forever. You see, the universe has a plan, and that plan is always in motion. It's a scary thought but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working, making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be, exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place at the right time.”
> 
> WARNINGS:
> 
> This piece of work deals heavily with rape, its effects physically, mentally, and emotionally on its victim(s), and the aftermath of it. Although it does not have a literally have a full out rape scene, it has scenes /right/ before and after, so while technically it doesn't, you could say that it does. 
> 
> It also deals with alcoholism and alcohol abuse, along with drug use, marijuana to be exact, and psychological addiction to it.
> 
> If ya'll post about this (pls do I love seeing feedback!!!) on tumblr, tag it #tick tock fandomsbetripping

Today was the day.

 

Castiel hummed absently as he tied his shoes, excited and energetic. It was finally happening today, the most important day in his life. He checked his wrist for the thousandth time since he woke up that morning, just to check  _just this once more_  that it was true and not an illusion of his mind. It wasn’t. The timer was ticking away, counting down just like before and Castiel grinned, showing teeth and all.

 

 

**Time till meeting:**

**0:0:0:8:19:16**

 

 

His mom wanted him to dress nice today,  _you’re finally meeting her honey,_ and had almost stuffed him into a Polo and dress pants until his twin sister, Anna, protested, telling their mom that the girl would want to see the true Castiel Milton, not some dressed up prep version. Anna hadn’t even gotten her timer yet, and Castiel figured that since she was horrifically late and had probably given up hope of ever finding the one, she was trying to make it the best for Castiel.

 

Everyone got their timer by the age of 20, but mostly everyone got theirs around 16 or 17, or you could become lucky and be like Anna’s 4th grade classmate, Garth Fitzgerald, whose timer appeared when he was only 9 and was so startled by it, it counting down from 10 seconds, that he screamed and tripped in the cafeteria and landed right at the feet of Bess Myers as his timer clicked to 0 seconds. Needless to say, they were married young. Anna was 7 months shy of 20, and there was no sign of any timer, which was extraordinarily late. 

 

Castiel had gotten his timer when he was 15, early, magically appearing on his wrist at 4 years, 2 months, 6 days, 2 hours, 18 minutes, and 47 seconds. It had happened in the middle of his Geometry class, and felt great, like Anna’s laughter when she laughed so hard her stomach hurt, and when his dad made horrible tasting pancakes for the whole family every Sunday morning, and everyone was too happy with the feeling of love and family in the air to tell him how much they sucked. Castiel had fell out of his chair in the middle of class and nearly had a huge asthma attack, which was also impossible because you couldn’t have an attack on being too excited, and when he got home he had yelled about it and his mom and sister and even his dad, had cried. 

 

His dad ruffled Castiel’s hair on his way out, making his dark hair stick up even more than usual at all odds and ends, and he desperately tried to smooth it out to no avail, as usual, leaving the house with shouts of encouragement from his family, such as “good luck baby!” and “go get ‘em kiddo!” and his particularly favorite one from his sister: “Use protection Cassy!”

 

Castiel knew that it was gonna happen at seven seconds after 4:02, and it was only 8:00 in the morning, but he was on his toes and his heart raced faster than those race cars he used to be obsessed with when he was younger.  _It is happening today_ he told himself, emphasizing each word, and adrenaline coursed through his veins faster and faster, until he was almost unable to breathe and he told himself he had to stop or he would be late to his class.

 

The day dragged on what seemed like to be forever, the seconds and minutes tripping over themselves in a massive effort to run backwards, to move as slowly as possible. Castiel felt like he was holding his breath in the entire day, his lungs refusing to work in anxiety of the upcoming occasion, and of course there was no point in concentrating because what the hell, he was finally meeting her today. He wondered what she would be like, tall or short, brunette or blonde, funny or serious. He pondered over the small things, what her laugh sounded like, what kind of eyes she had, if she preferred chocolate or vanilla. Whoever she was, Castiel decided, she was going to be perfect. 

 

The end of his classes finally rolled around, strolling by to casually wave hello at him, then grab him by the ear and awaken him from his trance. Castiel checked his timer. 27 minutes and 39 seconds. 

 

It was getting close now. Just a little time left. He could practically hear the clicks as the timer rolled down by each second, even though there were none. He felt as if they were a part of him, vibrating through his body, and pulsating through every inch of his bones. 

 

_It’s going to happen._

 

He didn’t know what to do next when his Biology class finally ended, just blinked his eyes blearily and looked around. What if he accidentally did something wrong and he never met her? Although he knew that whatever happened to him, fate would find a way and he would always somehow end up looking into her eyes, Castiel started to panic a little. What if he was the only exception to fate? What if his timer was wrong? What if the time he accidentally poured coffee all over it when he was 17 caused something to break and mess it up? Through all the haze of his oncoming anxious thoughts, Castiel simply decided to just do what he did everyday after class. Get a coffee from the little old place on Main and review what he had learned in his classes that day. 

 

Castiel didn’t quite know why, but that one thought suddenly seemed like it was the only thing worth doing, the most smartest yet obvious urge he had ever felt in his life. He rose from his seat, knocking his books over, taking each step slowly and carefully, each one taking him closer to his fate. The one thing he had been waiting for his entire life was coming.

 

The coffee tasted sweet as Castiel stared at his notes intently, a swirl of letters and bullet points in his messy scrawl, unreadable and boring. The waitress had given him a weird look as she had set his coffee down on the table, his heavy breathing, sweat, and wide eyes looked to be the demeanor of a crazy person. A quick glance down at his wrist changed the waitress’s expression to an understanding one, and with a pat on the back and smile, she was gone. Castiel peeked down at his wrist, half scared and half excited to see the answer.

 

**Time till meeting:**

**0:0:0:0:1:09**

 

_Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God_

 

Castiel swirled at his coffee, his heart pounding with shaky breaths, and he was so sure that he was going to pass out with anxiety any second now, and he would never meet his soulmate. 

 

**Time till meeting:**

**0:0:0:0:0:37**

 

Castiel groaned out loud and his lungs felt like they stopped working, his breath caught in his throat, and he tasted bile. He must’ve looked absolutely ridiculous, curled up in a weird half sort of fetal position, bent over where his nose was about a centimeter above his coffee. 

 

**Time till meeting:**

**0:0:0:0:0:13**

 

 What was he going to say when he finally met her? What was he going to do? What if he made a complete fool of himself?

 

  **Time till meeting:**

**0:0:0:0:0:06**

 

 Before he could think anymore panicked thoughts, Castiel reached for his coffee to sooth himself. And dropped it. On the floor. Hard. It went down with a defining crash that swiveled heads around the shop and the waitress rushed with a cloth to clean up. Muttering out apologies, Castiel went down on the floor on his hands and knees to frantically clean his mess up, sure he had screwed everything up this time. He could feel other people’s stares on his back, and the waitress standing above him and trying to get him up so she could clean up his stupid coffee. Before he could stand up and get the heck out of that shop,  _to the hell with his stupid soulmate,_ he felt a strong grip on his wrist, and a faint consistent beeping noise coming from his timer. 

 

**Time till meeting:**

**0:0:0:0:0:0**

 

  _Oh. My. God._

 

Peeking down at the hand on his wrist, heart nearly stopping, Castiel registered one small thought.  _That’s weird, my soulmate’s hand looks like a-_

 

Slowly looking up, time stopped completely as Castiel stared into the most greenest eyes of his soulmate. Into the very beautiful face of his soulmate. There was just one problem, Castiel thought as he glanced down at this soulmate’s wrist, the timer at 0 seconds just like his own. 

 

 _Oh hell no,_ Castiel heard the other whisper, and his eyes were as wide as the sun.

 

Castiel’s soulmate, with his light brownish dark blonde hair, leather jacket, and shocked face, was a 21 year old man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any questions, comments, or suggestion you want kept in private, (or you can follow me on there too I would also love that) meet me on tumblr [here](http://superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com)
> 
> Make sure to let me know you want it kept private though :)


	2. January 19th, 4:02:13 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is hella long and kind of dull, but I wanted for readers to see things from Dean's POV, and his life and perspective of things.  
> This has a very different tone and voice than the 1st chapter, because Dean and Cas see things different and are very different in general.  
> The previous chapter was more elegant and had more sophisticated writing style, with extravagant metaphors and similes cause that's how Cas thinks and acts, while this chapter is more rough and rowdy with a lot of cursing and sarcastic annoyed remarks thrown around cause that's how Dean thinks and acts.  
> I just wanted to clear that up before y'all started reading :)

It was funny. Dean’s first thought was that if this was his soulmate, he had met him in the most cliche fan fiction place ever. A coffee shop. 

 

Then of course, the realization hit.

 

Dean watched with wide eyes as the man in the ridiculous beige trench coat stood up, brushing himself off, and letting the waitress do her job cleaning the coffee up. He had dark hair that seemed like the type that couldn’t be tamed, Dean thought as he stared at the mess on top of the man’s head, and, there was no other way to describe this, the bluest eyes to ever blue. The man looked just as befuddled as Dean felt.

 

_No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no_

 

Dean frantically checked his timer to make sure his eyes weren’t playing tricks on him. It wasn’t. The timer was still beeping that frigging bell sound, at 0 seconds. 

 

 _This isn’t happening!_ he thought, _I literally was just goin’ to help him_. _I didn't even know that I was meeting my soulmate today!_

 

_I’m not gay!_

 

But according to the timer, he was. This man, this stupid man, in his absurd vintage Ed Sheeran shirt and ripped jeans and shoes with wings on them for some reason, and of course that silly trench coat, was his soulmate. 

 

The man looked at Dean straight in the eye, and tilted his head to the side. The gesture would’ve looked like a cold analyzing one if he hadn’t frowned while doing it, like a puppy who quite didn’t understand why his owner wouldn’t play with him at 2 in the morning. It was the most innocent look Dean had ever seen, and if circumstances were different, he would’ve gave into the urge to hug this stranger, this…this….. _soulmate_ of his. 

 

“Let’s…let’s sit down”the man stammered out, and Dean was surprised at how deep his voice was, his appearance suggested his voice to be higher and lighter. Dean replied with a short, curt, nod, the type that he gave to his father when he gave orders, and they both sat down at a nearby table, slow and uncertain, staring at each other. 

 

There was silence.

 

And more silence.

 

And more silence.

 

The silence became a defining sound, and Dean realized that he had never heard silence quite so loud.

 

The silence became a barrier, a void both of them desperately wanted to fill, but didn’t.  

 

So they just sat there. 

 

Forever.

 

Just staring. 

 

The truth was, Dean had never really thought about his soulmate. Everyone made it such a huge deal, and it would’ve been for Dean as well, if he didn’t live with…well, what he lived with. A soulmate, true love, all that fancy deal, was just something he couldn’t afford to think about. So when he had gotten his timer when he was 16, he didn’t pay any mind to the clicking thing on his right wrist, he had more important things to worry about back then. 

 

Heck, Dean realized as he stared at this man across from him, he had more important things to worry about right now. He had to get his brother into a college, he had to find a job, he had to work hard to get frigging _food_ on the table everyday. He had no time for a damn soulmate. Let alone, a soulmate who was a boy, which meant Dean had to sort out his whole _wait I’m gay?!_ thing, which he didn’t have the time nor patience for. So Dean got straight to the point. 

 

“Listen, uh-“

 

The man blinked rapidly, as if Dean had snapped him out of some kind of stupor, which in a way, he had. 

 

“It’s Castiel” and once again Dean had to stop for a few seconds to recover from the deepness of Castiel’s voice. 

 

“Alright Cas, can I call you Cas?” Dean didn’t pause to let Castiel answer, he just rambled on, training his eyes on his own lap to avoid looking at Cas in the eye. 

 

“Ok, I’m sorry, Cas, but there’s been some kind of mistake. I mean, I dunno about you man, but I’m not gay. Ok? I’m not gay. And even if I was, I honestly don’t think you're the one or whatever, cause I didn’t feel anything when I looked at you. Isn’t there supposed to be some kind of spark or something? That’s what they all say. This spark. I didn’t feel that, and I would’ve just walked away from you and you would’ve remained a complete stranger if my timer hadn’t stopped. So, just to be clear, we’re not soul mates, and there’s been a mistake by whoever runs this, the DST or whatever, and who knows, maybe we’re just destined to never have soul mates and be alone forever. Whatever it is, we’re not together and never will be.” 

 

Dean finished his little monologue all in one breathe, and forced himself to look up and make eye contact with Cas. He wish he hadn’t as soon as he did. Cas looked incredibly hurt, his face had changed from looking absolutely shocked and a tiny bit scared when they were staring at each other  to a solemn one, eyes hollow and mouth a straight line. Dean wished he didn’t have to do this, have to hurt Cas. He seemed like a really great guy, someone who deserved so much more than him, than sitting in a coffee shop with a jerk in a leather jacket who was tearing down probably what he had waited for his entire life. 

 

  “And besides,” Dean decided to continue with a sigh, “I don’t have time for this whole soulmate thing. I have my dad, and my brother has to go to college and- never mind, it’s none of your business.”

 

Cas replied by tilting his head to the side again, doing the same gesture he had done before. Now that he thought of it, the gesture was scrutinizing, and Dean felt like he was being seen through as clear as glass. It was unsettling.

 

“Alright,” the blue eyed boy finally spoke, nodding along after another awkward an uneasy silence. He rubbed at the fabric on his trench coat, and Dean wondered why he wore it. It made the boy look like drug dealer for God’s sake. 

 

“Alright,” Cas continued, his voice as slow and smooth as molasses. “Well. I’m not…..homosexual….either. So I suppose what we should do is,” Dean saw Cas visibly straighten up, whether if it was the shock was finally starting to wear off or if he got off on making plans of actions or something. “We can go to the DST, and get help for this whole…” there was a long pause as Dean watched Cas struggle for the right word, and then finally spat it out, “disorder.”

 

**January 19th, 4:46:09 PM**

 

The DST building was a gigantic tall skyscraper made entirely out of glass. The words,” Department of Soulmates and Timers” was etched onto the front 10 feet glass doors, and as Cas opened the door for Dean to walk through, they saw that the inside of the building was as elaborate and beautiful as the outside. Everything was snow white, from the furniture to the walls. Employees in white suits roamed the halls with files of people’s names and timer information. It was like the Oscorp building in The Amazing Spider Man movies. There was a gorgeous woman in a white suit sitting behind the front desk, all long legs and even longer blonde hair. 

 

Cas walked up quickly to the the front desk with Dean on immediately behind him, his trench coat flying behind him, and Dean smirked when he saw Cas’s shoes with wings on them make an appearance behind his flying coat. 

 

“Hello. I’m Castiel Milton and this is Dean Winchester. According to the timers on both of our wrists,” he paused to hold up his arm, showing the 0 seconds remaining on his timer to the lady, and Dean did the same, “we are both…..soulmates..?”

 

The lady, whose name tag read Bertha, glanced at both of their timers, and smiled widely, nodding.

 

“Yes, then there’s been a slight problem. You see…..well…” Dean rolled his eyes as Cas stuttered, his face burning red. He didn't have _time_ for this god damnit, and this boy was wasting  his time!

 

“Alright, step aside, Cas.” Dean gently shoved the soft hearted boy to the side who was obviously, still very well a boy.

 

“Ok listen up lady,” Dean announced in an annoyed voice. “This here timer is obviously wrong. I’m not gay. There’s been a  huge mistake, and I would appreciate it if you would clear it up so this poor looking guy behind me can finally find the one or some shit, I can stop wasting my time because I have work soon to pay for my brother’s college cause he wants to be a god damn lawyer- you know how expensive that is, and we can all go home happy.”

 

 

Bertha finally started looking for their files, typing away furiously at her computer with her white French Tipped nails, and looked up in a few seconds with an apologetic look. Dean knew what she was going to say even before she said it. 

 

“I’m sorry boys, but it says here very clearly on both of your files that you are, in fact, each other’s soul mates.”

 

_Aw shit lady_

 

 

_******************_

 

**January 19th, 10:38:54 PM**

 

There’s a thing about fear. It’s immediate, and can be the most unexplainable feeling. It makes no sense, yet at the same time, it makes all the sense in the world. The worst kind of fear is the one where you don’t know why you’re scared, but as soon as you realize why you are, you believe it’s the most ridiculous thing to be scared of. Yet you’re still terrified at the same exact time. 

 

As soon as Dean opened the door to his tiny little 3 room apartment, he felt that kind of fear. 

 

The air was hostile, and unbelievably quiet. Not quiet in the cozy Sunday afternoon way, but the eye of the hurricane, calm before the storm way, where you can just feel it in your bones that _something’s_ going to happen.

 

Something happened all right. 

 

One of the first things Dean noticed was that his 17 year old nerd of a brother, Sam, wasn’t in the house. Probably out with his soulmate Jess or something. 

 

The second thing he noticed was the faintest sound. The sound of someone….. _gulping?_

 

And then Dean knew why he felt that fear. 

 

Dad was here. 

 

***************

 

Escaping to his room was not a smart move, Dean knew as he decided to do it anyway. On tiptoe, he swiftly attempted to sneak past unseen his never present until now what the heck is he even doing here father. To no avail. 

 

“DEAN!”

 

_Damnit._

 

Cursing under his breath, the 21 one year old fumed into the minuscular kitchen, where his extremely drunk father sat on the counter, drinking from a bottle of beer. 

 

John Winchester hiccuped and ran his thick and gasoline stained fingers that weren’t clasped around the bottle through his brown mess of hair. 

 

“Dean-“ _hiccup_ “Get me the beer that Sam hid” _hiccup_

 

Dean hesitated. Sam had hid that 6 pack of beer for a good reason. So whenever dad decided to come home, he wouldn’t come, get drunk, thrash the place, sleep in for a night, and then go off to work to pay for the rent and groceries, the boys not knowing what he did for money and when he’d ever get back. It was a routine now, that’s all dad ever did. Other than than working for their rent and food, John Winchester wasn’t there for them, and the Winchester boys never expected anything more. 

 

His father threw a wad of cash at his face, and Dean stumbled back in surprise, blinking rapidly to recover. He bent down to pick up the money tied up in a rubber band, and slipped on a piece of glass that came from a bottle his dad had obviously smashed. He fell back hard, with a _thud_ , and and Dean felt the glass slicing into the back of his thighs and legs. Pain seared through Dean’s lower half, and he could see blood dripping out from his jeans. 

 

John peered at him through slitted eyes, and Dean could see his drunk brain trying to comprehend why he was on the floor. 

 

“Get up boy and gimme the god damn beer!” his father chucked his now empty bottle in his hands at the floor in rage, glass flying everywhere.

 

“Yes,” Dean’s voice shook as he got up from the floor, ignoring the pain and heading towards the lower cabinet, where he had seen Sam hide the pack.

 

After finally getting his dad to bed, Dean collapsed into his bed and thought of something.

 

_What am I going to do about Cas?_

 

Truth was, he wished he could have time for Cas, time for a soulmate. He desperately wished that things were different. But given his life, Dean couldn’t afford to be selfish. 

 

Just as Dean was just about to fall asleep with that as the last thought on his mind, his phone rung on his bedside table. Dean rolled over and reached for it, and glanced at the caller.

 

When he saw who it was, he sat up straight in his bed immediately in shock, frantically trying to figure out what he was going to say before he picked it up.

 

The caller was Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's Chapter 2!!  
> It was hella long, which I guess was a treat :)  
> I've already wrote the next chapter, and it's going to be up on Tuesday, the 15th of July :)
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, or suggestion you want kept in private, (or you can follow me on there too I would also love that) meet me on tumblr [here](http://superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com)
> 
> Make sure to let me know you want it kept private though :)


	3. January 19th, 10:58:33 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey dudes, I know exactly where I want to go with this, but I want this story to be as enjoyable as possible to both write and read, so if you have a rough idea of what you want in this fic, or just something you would want me to incorporate or have in here, comment!  
> Please keep in mind that if you do comment, I may or may not actually use it, but I will take all ideas into serious consideration.  
> The only thing that I won't take into consideration is smut, because they just met guys, like, too soon. Be patient though, it'll come in good time.  
> Even if you want me to use like one sentence or scene, make sure to let me know!

Castiel hated Dean Winchester with a burning passion. And judging by his actions and words, Dean Winchester surely reciprocated that feeling just as surely.

Returning home was a journey filled with dread, Castiel could hear his footsteps echoing while his heart hammered, trying to think of all the terrible things his family would feel when he told them.

Told them that his soulmate was a 21 year old arrogant man who didn’t want anything to do with Castiel.

Truth was, Castiel was a shocked when he had seen first seen Dean’s face, him being a man and all. Anyone would have. After all, going through your whole life imagining you growing old with a girl, and then learning it was to be a man in a day was a lot to take in. So Castiel didn’t blame Dean for freaking out, he himself was internally screaming at the same time as well. But oh God, that attitude! It hurt Castiel a _lot_ more than he would ever admit to himself. Dean Winchester had took one look at Castiel, and decided that he didn’t want a thing to do with him. The nerve of that guy! And the whole, _we’re not together and never will be_ thing was just so…..so….petulant!

The more Castiel thought about Dean, the more enraged he got. 

And the whole Cas thing! To think that this rude and childish incredibly attractive man planted a nickname on Castiel the first second they met, and then proceeded to insult him was just….just….

“CASSY!!!!”

Castiel had arrived to his home, and no time escaped before he was bombarded with his family, his sister dramatically screaming his name and flinging herself into Castiel, giving him a gut wrenching hug.

The whole house was flooded with light, and Castiel forced a grin on his face and was about to make up some stupid excuse for his soulmate when he noticed the thing on his sister’s wrist.

His mother squealed loudly and his father laughed that great big laugh of his when they saw Anna’s timer catch Castiel’s eye as she pulled away.

“Oh. My. God.” For a second, Castiel forgot all about Dean and stared at his sister’s bright face with adoration and pure joy. “Anna you got your timer!” the word timer was screamed into the excitable air, and his sister jumped up and down like a little kid on Christmas morning, squealing, and hugged him again tight.

Castiel’s twin sister pulled away quickly and shoved her brand new device in his face. “4 months, 3 days, 11 hours, 4 minUTES, AND 9 SECONDS!!!! CASSY IM MEETING MY SOULMATE ON MAY 22ND, AT 10 HOURS, 34 MINUTES, AND 52 SECONDS ITS SO CLOSE OHMYGODPHMYGODOHMYGOD”

 

The whole family screamed, and cried with her. Castiel was truly happy for his sister. He knew how desperately she had been waiting for this moment, and how many depressed days she had spent believing she would never get one. This was huge, and Castiel was ecstatic.

After more screaming, crying, eating tons of ice cream, calling grandparents (spoiler alert: they cried too), and hugging, the Miltons finally sat down together quietly in the family room. And then Mrs. Milton finally dropped the bomb Castiel had been dreading on his way home.

“Castiel, we almost forgot! You met your soulmate today!”

Thus began the bombardment of questions directed at Castiel. 

“Omygosh Cassie, how was she?”

“Does she like sports?”

“What hair color did she have?”

“What was the first thing you guys said to each other?”

“Does she want kids?”

“Was she hot?’

“Anna!”

Silence.

“Did you guys use protection?”

“ _Anna!_ ”

“Sorry mom”

They all stared at Castiel in anticipation, faces full of excitement and curiosity. Castiel had considered telling the truth before, but looking at all their expressions, his mom’s loving one, his dad’s proud one, and his sister’s over the moon one, he couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“It..…was great.”

No one spoke, and Castiel could feel the lie burning as it rolled off his tongue, and his family’s expectant eyes on his back as he looked down, picking at the carpet to avoid looking into their eyes.

“Well Cassie?! Tell us everything!”

Castiel hesitated. This was his one chance to just come clean.

He spoke rapidly, his parents and twin almost missing the words he spit out in an effort to get rid of them.

“She was wonderful. Very….um…good.”

The Milton that was younger by 2 minutes that his sister always loved to remind him of paused and tried to think of a plan. He pulled at the carpet, and sighed deeply, rubbing his eyes.

“Listen…uh…..I’m really tired. It’s been a long day…and…I’m….I just need to go to bed.”

He got up, leaving his family to stare at him in worry.

“Baby, is everything ok?”

“I’m fine mom, I’m just really tired. Good night.”

And with that Castiel ran up the stairs, his heart throbbing and pulsating, as if it would beat itself right off his chest. He was out of breath for some reason, and as he shut his bedroom door firmly and sank to his knees against the door, his rage for Dean Winchester grew. Because of that imbecile, he had to lie to his family. He wasn’t lying because his soulmate was a guy, no, he nor his family cared. He had to lie because his soulmate hated his guts and wanted to get rid of him immediately. Without even knowing him yet.

Dean Winchester was the kind of close minded jerk who feel in love with someone’s genitals, not their soul.

Fuming, he ran his fingers through his hair, messing it up even more than usual, and rubbed his eyes with his slender fingers. This was a disaster. And the thing was, he didn't want anything to do with the green eyes man either. He was rude, and arrogant, and Castiel never wanted that in a soulmate.

Coming to a decision to just call Dean and break it off forever, he picked up his phone and found the other man’s number that Castiel had gotten after their visit to the DST building. It rang thrice before Dean picked up.

“Hello?!” Dean’s voice was shaking and out of breath.

“Hello….are you ok? You sound-“

“Yah. Ya, man, I’m fine. Why’d you, ugh..?”

Castiel never thought he would ever hear the elder Winchester brother so….terrified?! He came off as so cool and collected, but right now his voice sounded like he was about to go into a haunted house…or go swimming, which was even more terrifying, at least for Cas, becuase, well, he was scared of water.

He ignored the fear in Dean’s voice, shaking his head to clear his thoughts.

“Did you tell your family?”

Dean scoffed on the other end for some reason, maybe he had a weird family or something. “No” and his voice had a dark undertone to it.

“Good. Me neither.” Castiel sighed and decided to just be blunt and get straight to the point. “You were right. Although we are technically soul mates in the DST files, we are not really. We do not belong together and will never be soul mates. We’ll die alone. As you said a lot before: whatever.”

“Oh,” was the other’s only response, and Castiel could’ve sworn he heard a flicker of hurt in Dean’s voice. “Listen…I’m sorry I treated you like garbage, man, I was just-overwhelmed yanno?”

Oh so now he decides to apologize? The boy probably was just hurt because he had never been rejected a day in his life. He was overwhelmed?! So was Castiel, and he didn't flip out and insult him, and show him attitude! The nerve of some people!

The Winchester continued. “And I know that you’re really hurt and-“

Castiel inturrupted him, furious and, he hated to admit it, a little bit heartbroken.

You’re the type of guy to fall in love with someone’s genitals, not their soul!" Castiel yelled into the phone. "And that’s shallow, Mr. Winchester, just plain shallow, and rude.” 

There was a silence and Castiel could practically hear Dean registering that.

“Wow man that was really deep.” The Milton rolled his eyes. “But hear me out okay? I was terrified at first, alright. I’m not gay. At least I don’t think I am. But what with my upbringing, I couldn’t afford to be selfish and just….sit down and think about my sexuality. I never had the option to be anything but 100% straight. And what with what my dad would say…”

 “Yes, what is with your dad? You mentioned your brother trying to go to college to be lawyer, and you mentioned your dad often in passing like there was something wrong with him..?”

“Its,” Dean sighed over the phone, and Castiel actually kind of felt sorry for him for a moment. “It’s a long story man. A long story.”

It sounded personal, and Castiel decided not to push it.

“Anyway,” Dean continued, “I am……so….sorry for acting like that. And I’ve never had a friend before, I’ve always either been feared or bullied, so…..if we can’t be soul mates….can we try to start over and be…friends?”

Castiel breathed in deep, surprised. “Friends?” This was the farthest away to what Dean had been acting like before.

“Yeah. And I usually can’t afford to be selfish like this, I usually don’t have time for this-“

“Selfish? Time? Having a friend is not being selfish or a waste of time.” Castiel stated, seriously confused. This was a 21 year old man with serious hints of having to grow up too fast. Castiel wondered if there was more to the whole dad story than he really thought. Dean was having to pay for his brother’s college out of his bare pocket, so obviously there was something wrong with their father..? Did Dean have to take care of his little brother his whole life?! What was his father doing? Where was their mother?

And then it hit him. What was wrong with Dean. “Jesus,” Castiel breathed out when he realized it.

“No it’s Dean,” the man joked. “And for me, having a friend is. So can you just consider it Cas? I understand if you don’t want to.”

Heart racing wildly, Castiel managed to stammer out. “I’ll….I’ll call you back, just wait a few moments please.”

He slammed the phone shut, and started pacing across his room, hands on his face. He was such an idiot. Such an idiot! He couldn’t believe he didn't see it before.

Dean Winchester’s father neglected them. He was probably a old drunk who had always failed to take care of them, and Dean had had to grow up way too fast and take raising his little brother himself. That was horrible. Their mom had probably left him or died.

Castiel shook his head. Kids weren't meant to take care of someone. They weren't supposed to understand. Kids are supposed to break your heart, eat your food!

The 19 year old Med student felt like such a jerk for thinking all those things before. He sighed sadly and grabbed his phone once more. Dean picked up on the first ring.

“Hello?”

“Hello Dean. You’re right,” Castiel smiled a little smile when he heard Dean’s sigh of…relief? Happiness?

This wasn’t whole hearted consent, Castiel knew when he told Dean that yes, he would like to try be friends. 

Dean Winchester made Castiel feel a lot of things with his cocky and rude attitude, his bad boy in a leather jacket style. Rage, annoyance, frustration. But now his new found realization made Castiel feel another worse emotion than the hate he already, and still, felt (just because he had all those problems gave him no right to act like that, and Castiel still hadn't forgiven him a bit) for Dean.

It was pity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would really appreciate if y'all commented on whatever, I literally squeal like I got my timer whenever I see someone took the time to comment on here :)
> 
> Next update is coming on the 17th, in 2 days. You've probably realized that I have a schedule, where I update every 2 days. 
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, or suggestion you want kept in private, (or you can follow me on there too I would also love that) meet me on tumblr [here](http://http://superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com)
> 
> Make sure to let me know you want it kept private though :)


	4. January 20th, 5:19:45 AM

That night, Dean dreamt that the lower half of his right leg had _literally_ caught on fire. That stupid son of a bitch was throbbing, and something felt sharp for no reason. Dean gave everything he had to not cry out in anguish. It burned and seared and everything he did to try and soothe the pain, including jumping in a pool, did nothing. If anything, it hurt more and more every passing second, and Dean was this close to just freaking _amputating_ his entire goddamn right leg when he woke up.

 

Breathing hard like he’d ran a marathon, the Winchester realized that, goddamnit, the pain hadn’t stopped. His right leg still hurt as hell. Dean turned that leg over and tenderly touched the spot where it hurt the most, the back of his right knee. Applying even the tiniest piece of pressure on that one spot was gut wrenching, and his eyes watered. Then, he realized what it was. 

 

 _Shit, there’s still glass in there!_  

 

 

Last night, after getting his father to fall asleep on the couch and cleaning up the kitchen, Dean had picked out the visible pieces of glass on the backs of his legs and thighs with tweezers, and then continued to treat it. It had hurt as all out, but when he finished and was limping to bed, he had, come to think of it, felt something weird in the back of his right knee. He had paid no mind to it and had absentmindedly figured it was just a side effect of the glass before. 

 

There was obviously still a piece of glass that he still had missed because it wasn't visible, jammed into the back of his right knee. 

 

Dean knew immediately, as he examined the horrifically painful spot of skin, the glass was going to hurt way more removing it than it did going in, and he was going to need stitches. Definitely. 

 

He slowly attempted to get up and walk towards Sam, Dean figured that although his brother was a future lawyer, not doctor, he was a giant nerd, so what the hell, he probably knew something. He would’ve yelled for Sam, but that would mean waking up his dad, which wouldn’t end good for anyone. But no matter how hard he tried, and at what angle he tried to place his leg in order for him to walk, the pain was too much, and as soon as Dean even did so much as put a hair of his right leg on the floor, he came crashing down with a deafening _thud!_  

 

So much for trying not to wake his dad. Dean waited a little for a reaction, and realized from the silence that his dad had probably gotten up early and bolted into the distance, where, no one knew, as he always did. 

 

_Aw what the hell_

 

 _“_ SAMMY!!” 

 

The 17 year old 6’4” giant Winchester came running in as fast as he could. “Dean! What are you doing on the-“

 

Dean let out a very long breath which, if he did in front of Hazel Grace, would be showing off, and rolled over from laying on his stomach to his back. “Here bitch, just….” he paused and groaned, closing his eyes. The older Winchester finally got the strength to put his arm up and hold it out to his brother. “Just, help me up,” and opening his eyes to see his brother standing in the doorway with his arms crossed, and giving him his classic bitchface, added with a whisper,” please man.”

 

Sam grasped his older brother’s hand tight and helped him up back on the bed, probably taking pity on him when he heard Dean’s voice crack from pain and his eyes water.  “Jerk,” he shot back, and Dean felt his brother clap his humongous hand on the his back.

 

“You ok man?”

 

Dean held his breath and squeezed his eyes shut once more. 

 

“Dad,” he sighed,“Dad was here last night.”

 

“What?! Dean why didn’t you call me or someth-“

 

Dean cleared his throat and dug his fingernails into the sheets of his bed. “Hush Sammy! _Anywhore,_ things happened and….well….to make a damn long story short, I currently have glass that is not visible in the back of my knee and-“

 

“OHMYGOD” the youngest Winchester bolted up from his seat on the bed, furious and freaked out.

 

“Shut up Sam!”

 

Sam relaxed and slowly sat back down next to his brother on the bed. Dean continued,”And so I thought that, yanno, since you're such a giant nerd and basically a goddamn walking encyclopedia you'd know something.”

 

Sam shook his head, his long hair flying everywhere around him like the freaking blades on a helicopter.  “Dean I’m not a doctor, and this is serious! You could get an infection, you've already waited too long. The bacteria could’ve already set in, we need to get to ER! Now!” 

 

Dean resisted with all his might, which was about the might of a house fly at this point, as his much larger, much stronger brother pulled him up. “Sammy you know we can’t!”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“We don’t have the money, and no insurance.” Dean paused, gasping and moaning in anguish. “And as if we can’t afford that already, I haven't even mentioned paying for your Harvard school, Elle Woods.

 

“I don't have to go to Harvard _particularly_ -“

 

“Aww shut it Sasquatch, you got accepted, you’re goin’.”

 

Sam sighed deeply and put his hands on his face, frustrated. “Well, ya jerk, we gotta get it out somehow! If it hurts as much as you act like it does, then, it’s pretty damn big.” And then, seeing his brother’s smirk and him opening his mouth, added hastily, “And I swear to God, if you say ‘that’s what she said’ I will stab your other knee with an even bigger piece of glass.”

 

Dean scoffed and shook his head in pain. His knee was getting worse and worse, and he was afraid that the pain was going to make him black out or something. It throbbed, pulsating in time with his heartbeat, and Dean knew it wasn't long until he starting screaming, or worse, crying. 

 

_Wait_

 

_Wasn’t Cas studying to be a doctor?_

 

Dean struggled with his memory, trying to remember the day before. 

 

_Yes_

 

_Yes!_

 

_His notes!_

 

_He was studying some shit about the human body!_

 

_There was a skeleton on his notes!_

 

“Yes!” Dean lunged for his phone on his nightstand and quickly searched for Cas’s number.  As he slammed his phone on his ear, listening to the ringing as he waited for his soulmate to _please please please_ pick up, he turned with a ludicrous and slightly scary smile on his face to his brother and simply said, “Cas!”

 

Sam, he could see, was bewildered.

 

“Now who the hell is Cas?!”

 

****************

 

He finally picked up the fourth time Dean called him, on the last ring.

 

“IT’S 5:30 IN THE MORNING THIS BETTER BE GOOD DEAN WINCHESTER OR IM REVOKING THE WHOLE FRIEND THING”

 

Despite his huge amount of pain, Dean chuckled a bit, earning a weird look from his brother, then got straight to the point.

 

“I got glass stuck in the back of my right knee and-“

 

“What?!”

 

“And it’s been there all night,and it’s not visible.” His voice cracked and he realized, looking down at his hand not holding the phone, that it was shaking. “I know it’s there, but I have no idea how to get it out and what to do after and-“

 

“Dean!” The 21 year old was surprised at how genuinely concerned Cas sounded. No one other than Sam had been this worried for him since— well to think of it, ever. “I hate to be rude, but, shut up and get to ER!”

 

Dean sighed. “Aww that’s just it, man, I can’t. And don't ask why, I just… _can’t._ The reason I called you is because you’re studying to be a doctor and I supposed that-“

 

The next words Cas breezed through were spoken so quickly that Dean almost missed them, but offered a great deal of comfort to him. 

 

“Text me your address, I need to get my kit.”

 

“Your kit?”

 

But Cas had already hung up him and Dean was left with a dead line. He groaned in agony and stiffly set his leg on top of his brother’s lap. A single tear leaked out of his eye, and rubbing his forehead in torture, he heard his brother softly ask.

 

“So, this Cas?”

 

In spite of everything, Dean cracked the softest smile at the mention of _this Cas_ , the thought of that blue eyed idiot rushing to get his kit or whatever and racing to some guy’s home who he had just met both amused and made Dean feel a little warm inside. In the most manliest way possible of course. 

 

“Castiel Milton,” Dean whispered to Sam,”his name’s Castiel Milton.”

 

Everything was quiet, weirdly soft. And no, it wasn't the type of quiet Dean had noted before, when dad was in the house, or the type of awkward quiet when he and Cas had just met and were staring at each other at a lost for words. It was the type of early morning quiet, when no one has quite woken up yet. The peaceful kind of quiet. The best kind of quiet.

 

The one that Dean enjoyed when there wasn't a freaking piece of glass in him, and he wasn't desperately trying not to cry.

 

 

“And he’s my soulmate.”

 

*******************

 

 

Dean watched with half closed eyes as Sam rushed to open the door and enloped Cas in a big hug. Sam had to completely bend over to rest his chin on the other boy’s shoulder as they were hugging, and Cas tenderly patted the stranger who was doing so, confused. 

 

“Hello, um…”

 

“Sam!” the youngest yet hugest boy in the room patted Cas on the back twice, almost making him fall over. “So you’re my brother’s soulmate huh? That’s….great, just great!”

 

“Well we’re just friends at the moment-“

 

Oh God this was it. Dean was going to black out from the pain, and now they were going to _have_ to go to the hospital. He clutched his other knee tightly, gasping. “Guys?”, he sniffled, in a manly way, of course. His voice cracked,”My leg?”

 

“Of course.” Cas, clutching some weird kind of First Aid Kit, rushed to Dean’s side and continued to ask him a series of questions that Sam ended up answering because his brother was in too much pain to. 

 

_It‘s so sharp, goddamnit I can literally feel it inside me._

 

“Dean I still think we should get to the hospital and let the professionals do it…”

 

_I can feel every son of a bitch shard_

 

“After all, I only know this because my dad taught me when I was little, not because I’m a first year Med student.”

 

_Does this frigging piece of glass have a pulse?!_

 

“Your dad taught you when you were little?”

 

_Jesus Christ, this hurts so much._

 

 _“_ He’s a doctor too, and we used to go camping a lot.”

 

_I wish mom were here_

 

The world went black.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update's in two days, on the 19th! :)
> 
> Please please comment what you think!
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, or suggestion, comment below!
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, or suggestion you want kept in private, (or you can follow me on there too I would also love that) meet me on tumblr [here](http://superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com)
> 
> Make sure to let me know you want it kept private though :)


	5. January 20th, 2:03:16 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So before y'all start reading, I'm going to clear a few things up :)
> 
> Alright, no one's asked yet, but before someone does, when it's from Dean's POV, I call him Cas, because that's what Dean thinks of him as. When it's Cas's POV, he's called Castiel, because he thinks of himself as Castiel. He just hasn't adjusted to the nickname yet :)
> 
> Alright, I know that I stuck in a How I Met Your Mother Quote (gosh I love that show) in here, like it's word for word, it's the anger one. If you don't watch the show or have no idea what I'm talking about, don't worry. But yeah, I didn't give it credit in the actual writing. It's because, 1). I wanted Cas to learn it from his mother, not from a tv show 2) how would I credit that in there anyway? and 3) this is set about a 100 years in the future, so it wouldn't make any sense!  
> You don't know how many times I've had to refrain from making references because the characters knowing who Doogie Howser, or Harry Potter is wouldn't make any sense!  
> Also, keep in mind that the opinions in here are the fictional character's, not mine. Cas makes a comment about boring chocolate hair, and that's his opinion, not mine! I myself have chocolate dark brownish hair, and I love my hair color!

Dean always looked stressed. Whatever was happening to him at the moment, whether it was funny, weird, or happy, Castiel had noticed that there was _always always always_ an underlying tone of stress to Dean’s facial expressions, his movements, his voice. It was as if Dean was a 40 year old man with a family trying to make it work in the Great Depression trapped in a good looking 21 year old’s body. It was sad. Dean was young, he was supposed to be out drinking, going to parties, disappointing his parents. Not being incredibly stressed all the time. 

 

But as Castiel intently watched Dean sleep on the bed, sitting in a chair, in a totally not Edward Cullen creepy way, Dean looked relaxed. Peaceful. Innocent. In the very few moments Castiel had known Dean, he knew that Dean probably never looked like that when he was awake, like a new, raw, whole person, instead of a broken one. 

 

The whole thing vanished immediately as soon as Dean woke up, blearily, like he was trapped in some sort of fog. He blinked a few times, and rubbed his eyes, until Castiel could see that Dean remembered what happened, and had probably figured out what happened after he fainted. 

 

_I should probably say something so he doesn’t-_

 

“Son of a bitch!” were the first words out of the boy’s mouth. He was laying down, still staring at the ceiling in disbelief and panic, and of course, with the ever present underlying hint of stress. He sat up, and his head whipped around to look at Castiel’s tired face sitting in the chair a few feet away from him. 

 

_His first words when he woke up was son of a bitch._

 

_You’ve got to be kidding me._

 

“Why? Are? We? In? A? Hospital?!?!?!?”

 

Castiel sighed, he knew the second that he told Sam that they had to bring Dean to the hospital that Dean was going to be mad. “You blacked out.”

 

“I’m aware _Castiel_ ,” Dean snarled the other man’s name out, making him wince. This man gave him a nickname that he didn't even want, then used his real name sarcastically when he was angry at him, making it sound like a joke. “So?!”

 

_Oh God I’m so very tired_

 

He closed his eyes, drawing in a long breath, and rubbed at his face. 

 

_I’ve been sitting in this chair the entire day watching over him, and then he wakes up and the first thing he does is yell at me._

 

Castiel decided to just keep his voice even and toneless, “You fainted, and I didn't want to start doing internal stitches, no doubt, when you could wake up any second in the process and move, possibly messing up the entire thing. Or, you could've stayed under mentally, but still fought back physically.”

 

“Then…then…you could've just used one of those drugs they use in the hospital to keep me knocked out!”

 

“I don't have that Dean, it’s terribly hard to acquire. And even if I did, it do not know how to properly use it. If not handled by an expert, you could die.”

 

Dean scoffed.

 

“Using pain killers to keep you under would also be incredibly dangerous. The safest thing to do would be just to bring you to the ER and let the trained professionals with degrees and correct resources handle it.”

 

Castiel watched, amused, as Dean physically struggled to think of another comeback, another reason they should've kept him at home rather than bring him to the hospital, and fail.

 

It was upsetting, really, that Dean was so against getting treatment for himself because it cost money, money that he didn't have and was still desperately trying to acquire to pay for Sam’s college.  

 

_This is the most selfless person I’ve ever met_

 

Dean looked around. “Where’s Sammy?”

 

“Gone to get some pie in a bakery about 30 minutes away for some reason, for you”

 

Dean cracked a grin, pie was probably his guilty pleasure, like chocolate was for Anna, and basically all girls. “It’s a bakery on 6th, it’s my favorite place to get pie”

 

Castiel nodded in understanding. 

 

“So…” Dean pouted, literally pouted, all arms crossed and lip stuck out at his right knee, as if angry at it for getting glass in itself. Both men in the room stared at the 7 stitches on the back of his knee. “What’d they do to me?”

 

Castiel knew this was Dean’s discreet way of basically asking how much money this was going to cost the Winchester.

 

“Well, they gave you Anesthesia, Propofol, and Narcotic Fentanyl to keep you under, then they removed the glass, cleaned your wound, then gave you 17 stitches, both internal and external.”

 

Dean groaned, grumbling, tapping his fingers on his left thigh. He moved a lot, Castiel noticed. Constantly, he couldn't keep still. He was clicking his feet on the floor when they had first met in the shop, he was tapping on the front desk in the DST building, he was even flexing his fingers  constantly when he had called Castiel over for his knee this morning. It was weird to think that Dean had been around Castiel around long enough for him to notice things about the other man, but then again, the Milton had always been very observant of details and behaviors. 

 

Castiel stood to get up, turning to Dean, and giving him a small smile. The first smile he had ever offered to this man, a mixture of sadness that Dean was in a hospital, pity for his financial situations, and happiness because, well, he had met this ridiculous rude man who would do anything for his little brother, who Castiel was also mad yet slightly fascinated by.  

 

”I’m going to go tell the doctors you're awake,” Castiel softly told him, and shut his eyes before dropping the bomb on Dean, “so we can start your X-Ray soon.”

 

“X-ray?!” Dean shouted from his bed, sounding furious, stressed, and Castiel hated to see anyone like this, but tired. The type of tired where you were practically tired in your bones, just the dictionary definition of pure exhaustion. 

 

Dean sighed, grumbling, “I swear all you doctors make up unnecessary shit steps to just get money out of people.”

 

Castiel chuckled in spite of himself. “I’m not going to be like that.”

 

Dean was now resorting to tapping his bed with his palms distractedly, “Just you wait Cas.”

 

Just as he was about to leave with a shake of his head, Castiel remembered another important detail he had neglected to tell Dean.

 

“Dean?”

 

“If this is a declaration of love, then this is not the best time Cas baby.”

 

“What?! I….you…no!”

 

Dean cracked a grin, flexing his fingers. 

 

“I just wished to tell you that…um…don’t worry about the money for all of this.”

 

He opened his eyes, glaring at Castiel, as if he was mocking him. “Excuse me?!”

 

“Your entire treatment, including the x-ray, drugs, stitches, everything was paid,” Castiel trained his eyes on the floor, his face getting hot. He could feel Dean glaring at his bent head.

 

“Paid how Cas?” Dean inquired, quite annoyed.

 

“By me.”

 

Dean exploded. 

 

“NO!”

 

Castiel hated raising his voice, but this was necessary. “I want to do it Dean!”

 

“I don't need anyone to pay for me Cas!”

 

“I’m trying to help you!”

 

“I don’t _need_ anyone’s help!”

 

“Well,” Castiel breathed in deep, pausing. How come Dean could make him so angry? No one had ever had the power to make Cas mad, he was always calm. 

 

_He’s just so stubborn!_

 

“There’s no point yelling about it, it’s already done.”

 

Dean deflated, crossing his arms. “Sam didn't say anything?”

 

Castiel smirked, prideful of his little victory in this round. “He doesn't know.” the younger boy remarked, and turned to walk out the door. 

 

As he strolled out of the hospital room to tell the doctors, he heard Dean call out after him. 

 

“I don’t need your pity Milton!”

 

Castiel grinned. “I don’t pity you Dean Winchester. I’m just trying to be your friend.” 

 

And it was funny, because if he uttered those words last night, he would be lying. 

 

But now, it was true. 

 

*********************

 

The doctors told Dean that he had special treatment, since his knee counted as an emergency, and that his x-ray would come back in an hour. Dean, of course, had rolled his eyes, tapping his foot on the white floor, and flipped the doctor off as soon as she had turned her back. 

 

Castiel sighed, and nudged Dean’s shoulder. “Let’s get back to your room.” 

 

Dean stood up from his chair slowly, leaning into Castiel for support, basically leaning all his weight on the smaller man. Castiel linked his arm through Dean’s tightly, and they slowly made progress back into Dean’s hospital room. 

 

Dean’s knee still hurt a lot, and he needed heavy assistance even getting up, let alone walking. The nurses had came in with a wheelchair, but Dean being Dean, had refused it because “hell no I’m gonna be carried around like some godamn helpless ant”. 

 

So of course, Dean had to walk around by basically being dragged by Castiel everywhere. The med student was trying _very_ hard not to think about how he could smell the fact that Dean used way too much cologne and aftershave, and his arm was incredibly muscly and veiny, and Dean’s skin was very very _warm_ for some reason, so warm and soft that Castiel wished that it was a blanket so he could wrap his whole body in it and fall asleep. 

 

_That’s such a creepy metaphor._

 

When they finally returned to Dean’s room, and Castiel helped Dean get back on his bed, they saw that there was a large apple pie with two plastic forks placed on the hospital chair Castiel had been sitting in, with a note by Sam placed on top. 

 

SORRY I MISSED YOU GUYS. I GOT TO GET BACK TO SCHOOL. IF I RUN, I CAN STILL CATCH MY LAST TWO CLASSES.

 

Castiel heard Dean scoff. “That nerd.” 

 

The oldest Winchester looked up from where he was sitting on his bed to where Castiel was hovering over him, reading the note, melting Castiel’s heart with those….eyes. Dean had these emerald green eyes that made you stop and look at them when you got even just a glimpse. They were a piercing green that you almost never saw, and when they looked in your direction you could tell that they not only saw your body but also your soul.

 

“Hey Cas, it’s Friday, don’t you have college?”

 

Castiel blinked, trying to get out of his trance, and checked his watch. It was 2:30, which meant there was only 30 minutes left of the school day. 

 

“I do, in fact. But since you got hurt, I’ve been here the entire day watching over you.” Dean raised his eyebrows at Castiel, who was busily biting his nails in order to avoid looking Dean in the eye, and do something embarrassing, like blushing. “I debated going to college in the morning during your surgery, but I decided that I was too tired, and I’ve had enough medical information for one day.”

 

“Wow.” Dean breathed as he took the pie and a fork in his right hand, and got up from his bed. He waved his hand when Castiel reached to help him, took a few steps away from the bed, and sat down on the floor criss cross like a little kid, his back leaning against the wall.  The wrapper crinkled as Dean opened the pie eagerly, his eyes wide like he was four years old and it was Christmas morning. He looked up before he dug into a piece, which must’ve taken a lot of self control, judging by his face when he gazed at the pie, and offered Castiel the other fork, his face a question mark.

 

_Aw what the heck_

 

Castiel took the fork and sank down on the cold floor across from Dean, and the Winchester placed the pie in the middle of both of them. It was strange, if either of them stopped to think about it, two grown men setting on the hospital floor, one wearing a hospital gown, eating a pie together.

 

They ate in silence for a few moments.

 

“So Cas,” Dean paused, chewing, as he looked at Castiel thoughtfully. “Ya ever skipped class?”

 

“Never.” Castiel replied, shaking his head. “I can’t afford to, I’m studying to be a surgeon, so I have to work hard.”

 

Dean smirked.

 

“This is an exception, Dean.” Castiel huffed, rolling his eyes. Being around Dean made him feel like a little kid sometime, not because he was two years younger, but because he was a a lot less experienced in the real world. A thing Dean obviously was an expert at, and had to be, he had started taking care of his little brother when he was just a kid himself.

 

“Well,” Dean remarked, tapping his nails on his right thigh again, “guess that makes me special then eh?”

 

“Be quiet Dean.” Cas replied back, a little annoyed. 

 

Dean actually kept quiet after that, well, for a few seconds at least. 

 

“Listen, I know you’re still pissed.”

 

“No I’m not!” Castiel felt defensive all of a sudden.

 

“Yeah you are, I can tell.”

 

_Yes I am. I’m still annoyed about how he insulted me yesterday._

 

_God, I’m so petty._

 

Dean sighed, rubbing his eyes, looking like the poster child of the word troubled. “I’m sorry man. I over reacted. At first,I thought I couldn't do _this_ , whatever _this_ is, but something happened with my dad last night and it made me realize that I’ve been trying too hard yanno? To make it a good thing. To keep my dad happy, and Sam happy, and I think it’s time for me to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to have a soulmate. I want-“

 

“We agreed friends,” Castiel spoke quickly, before Dean could say something he didn't mean and ruin this whole little relationship. 

 

And he could’ve sworn that he saw a flicker of hurt come across the other boy’s face, but it was gone as soon as it appeared, and Castiel wrote it off in his mind as nothing.

 

“Yeah….oh course, then. I want a friend.”

 

Castiel’s mom had once explained to him and Anna when they were little that you have choices in your anger. You may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone’s face, but there’s a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that it is really gone and you can move forward.

 

And that’s what Castiel did at that very moment. Just let it go.

 

Well, he let _that_ go, but there were other unresolved issues, one mainly being…..

 

“I hate the nickname Cas.”

 

“Well,” Dean remarked back cockily, “that’s too bad, Cas”

 

Castiel rolled his eyes for the hundredth time at Dean and scoffed, fiddling with his trench coat, that was spread out like a gown as he sat on the floor. 

 

Dean smiled at him gently through his lashes. For some reason, it was a sad smile, and it was something Castiel never thought he would ever see on Dean’s face. 

 

It was the sort of thing to make you cry.

 

_Now’s a great time to just say it._

 

Castiel smiled back gently, and nudged Dean on his right knee. Dean looked down, and chuckled softly.

 

The younger boy’s dropped down to a whisper when he spoke. He didn’t know why he did it, it just seemed appropriate. His hand still on Dean’s knee, he said it, “It was your dad wasn't it?”

 

Dean’s face dropped and he slowly nodded.

 

“I’m sorry about what he puts you and Sam through. It’s not fair.”

 

The Winchester ended up whispering too,”Sam tellya?”

 

“No,” Castiel replied back, retracting his hand from Dean’s knee. Any longer and it would’ve been quite weird. “I figured it out. Wasn’t too hard.”

 

Dean shrugged nonchalantly, his beautiful hair looking all flat, and if hair needed sleep, extremely tired. Castiel found himself staring at it. He wished he had interesting beautiful hair like that, a color that was both a mixture of dirty blonde and mousy brown. He was just there with a head of boring chocolate hair that stuck up in every which way, and never stayed down. Because of that, he had the nickname, “sex hair” all throughout high school. It may sound like a not all that bad at first, but try being called that when your parents are there in the front office, or, you know, his sister was in the same grade and went to the same school he went to. 

 

“My mom died when I was 4 in a fire, and dad went nuts.” Dean was still whispering and serious, so Castiel decided to be sympathetic and a good person, rather than thinking about hair. “Just nuts, Cas.” Dean’s eyes were trained on the ground in an obvious effort for the other boy not to notice his wet eyes, and since Castiel was nice and wasn't raised in the jungle, he pretended not to see. “She was his soulmate yanno?”

 

He nodded sadly. “I understand.”

 

There was silence as Dean got himself together, quickly wiping at his eyes, and Castiel just pretended not to see any of it. Dean finally cleared his throat, done, and leaned back. 

 

“This is nice.” Dean remarked, smirking, back to his old self.

 

_Nice?_

 

“We’re in a hospital Dean. Many people in very close proximity are dying, or in pain. You had a large piece of glass stuck in your right knee that they just got out an hour ago. How is this by any standard, nice?”

 

Dean laughed like Castiel had just made a joke. “Pretty standard for a first date.”

 

Castiel choked on his piece of pie. “This is not a date.”

 

The older man snickered, teasing, “Aww, lighten up Cassy!”

 

_I just let my anger go, and now he comes again with his arrogant carrying ons._

 

 _“_ Don’t call me that,” Castiel snapped. “Only my sister can call me that.”

 

Dean blinked, looking up from his countless bite of pie to look up at Castiel. “You gotta sister?”

 

“Yes, she’s my twin. Her name is Anna.” Cas smiled fondly, “She got her timer yesterday.”

 

“Oh?” Dean asked, raising his eyebrows and cracking his knuckles. “Bet she cried.”

 

“Well, yes, she cried.” Dean scoffed. “But she was ridiculously late, and she was scared she was never going to get one.”Castiel decided to neglect the fact that he had shed a tear or two when he had got his as well.

 

“Sounds like you love her a lot, Cas.”

 

Castiel nodded wistfully. 

 

“And it’s Castiel, not Cas.”

 

Chuckling, Dean retorted, “Sure thing, Cas.”

 

He let out an angry huff, and started to bite his nails again. “Don’t make me revoke the whole friendship thing…!”

 

Dean just laughed more, making Castiel want to punch him in the face, and remarked, “This is the second time you've said that today, and you're still sitting here with me cause I got hurt, in a hospital, skipping college, even though you can’t do that since you want to be a surgeon, sharing an apple pie with me, and sitting on a bleached white hospital floor that’s harder than a pornstar’s dinky doo”

 

Castiel choked, and then swatted at the other boy’s head when Dean added, “That’s not the only thing you’ll be choking on” with a sly smile and wink.

 

“Dinky doo?!”

 

“We’re in a hospital, Cas, I gotta be respectful to the dying and dead. I can’t say inappropriate things!”

 

“Dean, the first thing you said when you woke up was,”Castiel deadpanned, using finger quotations, “ ‘son of a bitch.’ "

 

The Winchester mock gasped, pretending to be horrified, “God is watching Cas, be careful!”

 

Cas leaned back, and couldn't help it, laughed, throwing his head back like a little kid. 

 

Dean Winchester was a piece of work.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so, I'm going to start doing it every 4 days, instead of 2! It's cause I don't have time to write a whole chapter in 2 days, and even if I do, I need more time to make the chapter better, and think the whole thing out. So, the next update is on the 23rd!
> 
> Also, did y'all hear about the 5th episode of Season 10 in SPN being a music episode? I'm so excited!!!!
> 
> Please please comment what you think!
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, or suggestions, comment below!
> 
> IIf you have any questions, comments, or suggestion you want kept in private, (or you can follow me on there too I would also love that) meet me on tumblr [here](http://superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com)
> 
> Make sure to let me know you want it kept private though :)


	6. January 20th, 10:54:01 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember, this is set in the very far away future, so Dean’s car and music preference is very very old. 
> 
> Shoutout to Vikti Mehta for helping me pick up the plot for this story when I had no idea where to go with it, and reading and loving Tick Tock from the beginning. She’s been bugging me to update this chapter quickly as possible in anticipation, which is very flattering.  
> This chapter is dedicated to her and Ink3rvk, for helping me greatly and saving me hours of time consuming and boring research that I would probably end up being wrong anyway.

“Jesus Cas, you have some serious attachment issues.”

 

“What?!”

 

“We spent the whole day together, and we just left each other 20 minutes ago, and here you are, calling me as soon as you get home.”

 

Dean couldn't see Cas over the phone, but he knew, just knew, that that serious son of a bitch was rolling his eyes at him. 

 

“No _Dean_ ,” Cas sighed, dragging his name out in an annoyed tone. “Obviously my family has been worried about me the whole day.”

 

Obviously, because normal families did that. Worry. 

 

“Yeah, Cas, I mean, you mysteriously left at 5:30 in the morning, and didn't let them now that you were still alive until you dragged your sorry ass back home at 10:30 PM.”

 

Cas huffed and continued, “Anyway, they kept on asking questions, and so I just told them everything.”

 

_Shit_

 

_And I was just getting to being his friend._

 

After they finished the pie at the hospital and the x rays came in — there was no piece of glass left, no surprise, the doctors probably already knew that but made him do the x ray so they could get a few more bucks off of him — they checked Dean out of the hospital with a rented wheelchair. A wheelchair that Cas made him use or he would never talk to him again, and that’s when Dean realized that Cas was an almightily dangerous control freak who was a powerful force that never lost. He had finally plopped into that damn wheelchair, because, hey, you can’t calm down a tornado.

 

They had then spent the whole day together, walking, or in Dean’s case, rolling, around town, and it honestly had been the most fun that Dean had ever had. They went into cafes, libraries, different kind of shops, and had sat on the park bench watching young children play in a totally non pedophilic way, even though they were getting many glares and weird looks thrown at them by mothers. The whole time, they had just talked. Dean had never met a person who he could talk to so easily, for hours without awkward silences or him getting bored. The latter was a major accomplishment, Sam always said that Dean had the shortest attention span in the history of short attention spans. Cas was just so interesting, and he hated realizing this, but Dean really really liked him. As a friend, of course. Dean had never enjoyed anyone’s company as much as he enjoyed Cas’s.

 

Cas told Dean about his college, and more about his family. He talked about how much he loved to read and loved that one vintage soul singer, Ed Sheeran. Dean had amused Cas with stupid stories of Sam when he was little, and had talked about Baby, a damn old but never the less beautiful 1967 Chevy Impala. He told him about his kind of music, which was about as old as his car, The Rolling Stones, Asia, Led Zeppelin. He talked about his job as a mechanic over at the garage. They discussed conspiracies, food, and Thursdays, among other things. The whole time, Dean never lost interest, and by the look on Cas’s face, he never did either.

 

That day had made him realize that Cas was something else.

 

So hearing that the Milton had told his family about Dean freaked Dean out. A lot. 

 

_I only got one day. Just one day._

 

_I opened up to another human being and let Cas into my life, into my world, and here it is, ending that same day._

 

_Serves me right._

 

_I knew, damnit, I knew that letting someone in was a huge mistake._

 

_Why did I let Cas in?!_

 

“Dean stop panicking!”

 

“What?!” Dean half yelled, his voice unusually high, and well, panicked. “What are you talking about?! I’m not panicking!” 

 

Cas spoke in his _I’m so done with your bullshit Dean_ tone _, “_ You’re literally sound like you're having an asthma attack.”

 

“Oh.” Dean took a deep breathe, calming himself down. Sam always told him he jumped to conclusions and freaked out a lot, and even though his little nerd brother was annoying and nagged Dean constantly, he was usually right.  

 

Dean tried to keep his voice light free and casual, “How’d they take it?”

 

“They were mad —“

 

_MY LIFE IS OVER_

 

“— that I didn't tell them earlier”

 

Dean sighed, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. This was great! Cas’s family didn't mind! They were happy! Now his only problem was wondering why the hell he had thought the world was ending a few seconds ago when he thought the Miltons didn't like him. Chicks did that. He wasn't a chick. He was a strong independent white man who didn't need no Cas to make him feel good. 

 

 

That being said, or rather, thought, Dean smiled a great big smile, genuinely happier than he had been in a while.

 

“That’s great Cas!””

 

“Yes, it is, and my parents are very excited to meet you. They want me to invite you over for dinner tomorrow.” 

 

Dean’s eyebrows shot up, surprised.

 

_Wow, I can’t believe they want to meet me._

 

This was all so foreign to him. Being friends, meeting families. He figured that this was a good time to start as ever. 

 

He shook his head to clear his thoughts.

 

“So, what time should I be there?”

 

***********************************

 

**January 21st, 7:00:52 PM**

 

Dean arrived at Cas’s house with a promise to himself not to curse, and had left his leather jacket at his house so Cas’s family didn't think he was some kind of street thing or something. He had opted a simple button down and jeans would do, unless the Miltons were some kind of Bill Gates rich that Cas had failed to mention, and they expected him to come in designer clothing. 

 

As he approached the door, squinting down at the address written on his palm to make sure it was the correct house, he realized after checking it was Cas’s house that was a cozy kind of house, a beautiful little cottage with so many marigolds planted on the sides that Dean calculated if he were to take one every day for his mom’s grave for a year, there still would be plenty. 

 

His mom. 

 

There were times like this when Dean especially wished that his mom were alive, that she could've prepped him on what to say and how to act, and canoodled him _Oh my little boy’s growing up, meeting his soulmate’s parents already_ before he left. He wouldn't have minded his mom canoodling him at all. Not one bit. 

 

Dean shook his head, attempting to clear his thoughts, and moved on to another worry, as he stood there, staring at the cottage a few feet away from its door.

 

_Damn, should’ve I gotten them something?_

 

_I don’t know, I’ve never done this before!_

 

Dean wrung his hands nervously, glaring down at the marigolds once more. 

 

_Like flowers…..or…..wait, not flowers. That’s too romantic and soulmatey and Cas made it very clear he didn't want to go that far._

 

_Aww what the hell_

 

Tapping his foot in time to his pounding heart on the concrete, he slowly pressed one shaking finger to  the doorbell and pushed it. 

 

_Ding dong_

 

Cas opened the door in a few seconds, his expression the very definition of nervous, biting his right hand’s nails. 

 

Dean immediately relaxed just looking at him.

 

The first thing he noticed was that Cas didn't have his ever present trench coat on, his mom had probably made him take it off or something, and Dean smirked at the mental image of someone other than the control freak standing in front of him telling him what to do. 

 

Cas looked more human, wearing a simple sweater and jeans, barefoot. He stood nervously in the doorway, staring at the ground, and fiddling with his sweater with his hand he wasn't biting the nails off of. 

 

Dean grinned faintly and looked down at his shoes, _actually blushing like a chick Jesus Christ I need to get myself together,_ listening intently as Cas’s family yelled at each other in the background, a chorus of _“Anna set the temperature a little higher on the stove love!”_ and “ _Mom cutting these stupid tomatoes is hella hard!”_ and his particular favorite, “ _I am a 46 year old grown man I can set the table without breaking anything!”_

 

He heard Cas let out a little chuckle at that, and the mood shifted into something a little more comfortable. 

 

“Come in” Cas gestured for Dean to do so, and Dean entered the house. It was beautiful, not particularly huge, not particularly small, but cozy, smelling like an assortment of spices, and, well, like family. It had a particular sense of home-ness to it, like it was lived in by people who loved each other and didn't fight or throw beer bottles at each other. Dean felt a pang of longing when he thought this, God, what would it be like to live in that kind of environment? He shook his head. Man, Cas didn't realize how good he had it. 

 

“Hi!” a pretty petite girl with long red hair practically came flying towards Dean, getting an _oof!_ out of him as she bombarded him with a huge hug. 

 

For someone so skinny, the girl was strong, and Dean tentatively put a hand on her back and patted, awkwardly chucking. This couldn’t be anyone other than Anna. 

 

She finally let go, letting him check to make sure his godamn guts were still in place. She stuck out her hand, her soft light brown eyes tinkling, a bright smile in place. “Hi!” she chirped again. “I’m Anna Milton, Cassy’s cooler older twin sister.”

 

Dean felt Cas sigh beside him, grumbling something about _you’re only older by 2 minutes Anna God_ and Dean shook her hand, smiling. He wanted to make a good impression on Cas’s family. 

 

“I’m Dean Winchester, nice to meet you.” Anna grinned even wider, inspecting Dean. She stepped back after she was done, nodding in approval, and let Cas’s parents take a look at him, who were standing in the doorway of the kitchen, beaming.

 

 Cas’s mom came up first with her sweet face and beautiful flowing hair that was the same color as Cas, and pulled Dean into a hug that was warm and comforting, very motherly. Dean sighed and relaxed into the gesture, and when Cas’s mother let go she took his face in both hands. “I’m so glad Cassie met you” she told Dean, smiling from ear to ear. She retreated back, and his dad went up to Dean with the same expression, shaking his hand firmly, and said, winking, “Me too, he needs to get out of the house!” and Anna giggled. 

 

Dean loved Cas’s family. 

 

As Dean wistfully watched the other 3 Miltons get back in the kitchen to continue frantically trying to get dinner ready, _Mom where the heckadoo do we keep the cutting board?!_ , Dean heard Cas hum quietly beside him, and then he nudged Dean, gesturing towards the stairs. “Come along, I’ll show you my room.” Dean nodded and followed Cas up the stairs. 

 

_*****************_

_Damn_

 

The first thing he saw were books, and then more books, and more books. As he stared at Cas’s room in amazement, he realized practically all the things in Cas’s room were books. He had three gigantic bookshelves, tall and wide, lining the walls, each with at least 100 books in each. 

 

The bookshelves took up three of the 4 walls, and a bed and desk, with a laptop on top of it, were on the 4th one. 

 

Cas,” he gasped in shock,” you have a huge ass library in here!”

 

“Oh,” Cas replied, surprised too, like he had just realized how _many freaking books_ he had in here. “I….um….like to read.”

 

“Yeah you told me that!” Dean breathed, still in awe,”I just…I didn't realize…I… _holy shit!_ ”

 

There were all kinds of books in here Dean saw, as he ran his fingers through the spines of them all. Old classics such as Harry Potter, history books, medical journals, law books, biographies, conspiracy theory books, hell, there was even a weird book called, “The Joys of Gay Sex”. 

 

Dean did a double take when he spotted that one.

 

“Uh…….Cas?” he took the book out of the shelf, handing it to the other boy.

 

“Oh. That.” Cas turned beet red. “Anna gave me that after finding out about you.”

 

Dean stared for a moment, taking it all in. 

 

And then he laughed. Damn hard. For a really long time. 

 

Cas, at first, had seem surprised, but then had slowly joined in, until they were both laughing so hard their stomachs hurt and they couldn’t breathe. 

 

Dean loved this, laughing with Cas in his room over a ridiculous book his sister had given him. He had never shared a joke with someone, laughed over something with someone other than Sam. Whenever someone attempted to be his friend, he never let them, pushing their conversation starters and silly jokes away with a polite nod and smile. 

 

It felt good.

 

Anna knocked on the door, opening it, and Dean and Cas stopped laughing just in time for Dean to see her eye catch the book’s title, and throw her head back laughing just like Cas did, and had been doing not 5 seconds ago. 

 

“Oh ya!” she giggled, “That.”

 

She told them dinner was ready, and they went downstairs for pasta and garlic bread, the chopped tomatoes and spices in the pasta tasting heavenly. 

 

 

As they all sat down, and began to eat after saying Grace (something told him Cas’s family was very religious), they ate in small talk about the weather, Dean’s hobbies, and when Cas bought up his interest in cars, a long discussion on the engines of different cars between Dean and Mr. Milton while the others listened in remote disinterest. 

 

Dean noticed that Cas was acting damn quiet and shy, not at all like the Cas who just yesterday had threatened him for refusing to sit in a wheelchair and had been talking for hours with animated hand gestures and facial expressions in a park bench. 

 

He realized it was because of the presence of his family.

 

_Or maybe he’s only like that with me…………..?_

 

Dean rolled his eyes at himself for thinking that thought.

 

_Don’t get your hopes up too high, Winchester. Not yet._

 

After many compliments about the pasta and jokes bought to them with the courtesy of Anna, there was a comfortable silence. 

 

“So Dean,” Cas’s dad started, “what are you studying?”

 

_Damnit_

 

This was the one question he was trying to avoid. 

 

“Oh, um….” Dean turned to Cas for help, but the other boy just rubbed at his neck furiously, frowning at the ground whilst picking at his nails. He did that a lot, Dean noted. He needed to stop, or Cas would have to end up having to have some sort of surgery to get a mountain of his nails out of his stomach or something. There was an awkward silence as Dean full on just glared at Cas for him to explain, or help, or _something,_ but that son of a bitch just stared at the floor, his face as red as the tomato his fork currently had stabbed in its hold.

 

“Well, I’m not,” Dean took a deep breath. This was it, wasn't it? When he told the truth, his whole chance with Cas’s family was gone. “I’m not……studying anything.”

 

“Oh?” Mr. Milton raised his eyebrows.

 

“I dropped out when I was 17. I work as a mechanic now”

 

“Oh!” Cas’s dad said, his voice unnaturally high, the way people’s usually are when you can tell they’re judging you. Mrs. Milton and Anna dropped their gazes to their shoes just like Cas did when he was uncomfortable or nervous, their faces expressionless. 

 

Dean nodded slowly, continuing, “I work in the garage south of Panther Creek. It’s, uh, it’s called ‘Revved Up’” 

 

Cas cleared his throat beside him.

 

_Oh so now he decides to say something_

 

“Dean’s working quite hard to pay for his brother to attend Harvard Law school out of his own pocket, Dad.” 

 

Dean saw Cas’s family’s attitude change damn quickly after Cas spoke. They sat straighter, gazed at him with a little more respect, more admiration. 

 

“Dean!” Mrs. Milton gasped, her tone shocked. “That’s so……”

 

“Hella rad” Anna finished, nodding and winking at Dean. “I like you 12 out of 9 dolphins.”

 

Cas let out a awkward, breathy laugh. 

 

Everyone moved on, as if e nothing had happened

 

*****************

 

They all played poker after dinner— Cas was amazing at it, Dean soon found out, which wasn't surprising due to his powerful and unwavering poker faces. They all lost pretty bad, but Anna was the one who was completely _conquered_ by everyone, because she had the most expressive face. Dean could tell exactly what hand she had just by looking at her face. 

 

Dean was so so sure that he was going to _finally beat that son of a bitch Cas_ as he smirked, looking straight at him. The Winchester revealed his cards, fanning them out on the carpet proudly. 

 

“Full house.” Dean looked up, cocking his head in triumphal. 

 

Cas kept his winning poker face as he showed his cards the same way other boy had done, fanned out on the carpet. His family and Dean looked at his set with mouths hanging open in shock.

 

Cas lifted his head, looking at everyone in the eye with a faint smile on his lips.

 

“Royal flush.”

 

_Godamn_

 

**************************

 

**January 21st, 9:06:42 PM**

 

Sam put his arm around Jess as they were sitting on his bed, kissing her beautiful long blonde curls. She grinned, leaning closer to him whilst resting her head on his chest. 

 

_This is so great_

 

Sam’s timer had gone off when they were only 15, and his heart fluttered even now, thinking of seeing Jess for the first time 2 years later, as they watched some romantic comedy that she had picked out. 

 

They were in the middle of the scene where the main characters finally meet when Sam heard the door creak, opening, and a second later, closing faintly. Jess turned to him, confused. 

 

Sam shook his head reassuring her, “It’s just Dean. He’s back from his soulmate’s house.”

 

“Dean met his soulmate?!” Jess sat up straight in surprise. “That’s so sweet!”

 

Sam grinned, nodding. “Yeah, but his soulmate’s a guy, which brings in more internal conflict for Dean. He has to cope with actually having a person get close to him first.”

 

“Well, I’m sure that —“

 

_Crash!_

 

The couple both gasped, jumping in shock. Jess whipped her head around to look at Sam with wide eyes. 

 

“Sam!” she whispered. “What the hell was that?!”

 

The Winchester shook his head in fear, his heart pounding a _thump_ per millisecond. Sam paused the film, waiting in silence for another sound, as his soulmate clutched his hand tight. 

 

He turned to her, whispering as well. “It sounded like glass.”

 

Jess slowly nodded, terrified. 

 

_Oh God, this is like the beginning of a horror movie._

 

He gestured for Jess to stay right there, and told her, “I’ll be right back, alright?”

 

His soulmate nodded once, her eyes as big as the sun. 

 

“Be careful,” she muttered, pecking him on the lips. 

 

Sam let out a nervous breathy laugh. “I’ll be fine.”

 

He grabbed the baseball bat his brother and him kept in their rooms just in case, and both hands gripped on the bat tightly, he tentatively walked towards Dean’s room, keeping his steps minimal and light. The door was ajar, the light open, and Sam heard shuffling from it. He flattened his back to the wall right of the doorway, his bat held high. Sam saw the glass lamp that the intruder that smashed on the floor out of the corner of his eye, and squeezed his eyes tight, readying himself to fight. 

 

_There are only two possibilities right now._

 

_It’s a burglar, and I hit him once on the head to knock him out, then I call the cops and Dean._

 

_Or it’s Dean, and I beat the shit out of him 10 times harder than I would’ve the burglar for scaring us like that._

 

Sam took in a huge breath, and ran in through the door with his baseball bat ready to hit someone.

 

When he saw who it was, he dropped his bat in shock. 

 

The intruder had obviously been rummaging through Dean’s bedside drawer, as he was holding a huge wad of cash in his hand. In fact, that wad of cash was _all_ of the money Sam and Dean had saved up for Sam’s college.  

 

“Dad?!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “The Joys of Gay Sex” is a real book guys!!
> 
>  
> 
> And, before this comes up, I mentioned that Cas’s family is religious, but like, this is in the future so they have slightly more evolved human rights, and also, the Miltons are nice smart religious, so if they lived in the 21st century, they wouldn't care.
> 
> The next update's in 4 days, the 27th of July
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, or suggestions, comment below!
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, or suggestion you want kept in private, (or you can follow me on there too I would also love that) meet me on tumblr [here](http://superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com)
> 
> Make sure to let me know you want it kept private though :)


	7. January 21st, 9:11:03 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not a jab to the canon John Winchester

Dean practically ran out the room he had excused himself to when he had took his call.

 

“I need to go, I’m sorry.” he said thickly. 

 

Cas and his family watched in confusion as Dean rushed to his shoes, and started to busily tie them on, tripping over his words in an effort to talk quickly as possible. “I’m so sorry I had a great time thank you so much for inviting me Cas I’ll explain to you later. “ He was in such a hurry that he didn't even pause for breath, just breezed through the words. 

 

Dean started to open the door, when Cas finally called out, bewildered,”Wait!” 

 

Dean shook his head, and without thinking, Cas ran forward and wrapped his fingers around his friend’s wrist persistently, sending a jolt of electricity through his body. Dean must’ve felt the same thing, as he stopped and turned around, looking down at Cas’s hand with wide eyes. Cas shuddered, realizing that this was the first time he had touched Dean. The Winchester cleared his throat, breaking the silence.

 

 Cas let go, his voice shaking for some reason. “Who was on the other end of the phone, Dean?”

 

 He was surprised when Dean actually answered rather than just leaving, his one hand wrapped around the doorknob with his right shoulder leaning on the dark brown door. His voice was low, coarse. “Sam.” 

 

Cas let out a long breath, fidgeting with his sweater. “And?”

 

 Dean clutched his jaw, looking down his shoes. It was the first time since Cas had seen him that he wasn't moving some part of his body. The Milton wondered why Dean didn't just leave, if he was just going to stare at the ground in anxiety without giving any answers. Cas faintly heard his family go into the other room, _come on let’s give them some space_ , and Dean flinched at the sound of the door closing. The blue eyed boy watched as he physically saw his friend give up and just push the door open, the same look of determination returning to his face once more.

 

“Dean!” The high school drop out didn't stop this time, insistently walking to his car.  Cas stood in the doorway, extremely concerned for some reason. 

 

_Why do I care so much about this man? I’ve known him for 3 days!_

 

Cas shook his head, stepping out into the cold January air. “It’s your dad isn't it?” 

 

Dean stopped in his tracks, but didn't turn around. Cas saw the mechanic’s shoulder’s rise slowly, like he was taking a deep breath. 

 

“Something’s wrong with him………?” Cas said the phrase like a question, his voice getting louder and higher towards the end. 

 

Dean’s silence told the Milton everything he needed to know. “Well, I’m coming with you!” 

 

Dean finally turned around. Well, half turned. His right shoulder pointing ahead, he swiveled his neck to glare at Cas. ‘No you're not.” Dean’s weary tone only made Cas more sure of his decision. 

 

“Yes I am.” He crossed his arms, staring the other man down. Dean threw his hands in the air, turning back around and stalking towards his beloved car. Cas smirked, turning back around as well to grab his coat and a jacket for Dean. He was sure that Dean would’ve probably just driven away if…….

 

 

“Dean!” he called out, half running out the door after putting on his coat and leaving a quick note for his parents. Cas held up his hand. “You left your keys on the counter!” 

 

Dean groaned dramatically as he took his hands out of his pockets that were desperately searching for his keys before, putting out his right arm for them. Cas threw the jacket at him instead. “Put that on, its freezing and you're wearing a half sleeve shirt.” 

 

Dean just rolled his eyes at him like a rebellious teenager. “Cas, the keys!” 

 

Cas shook his head, getting inside the driver seat of the Impala. “I’m driving, I know the way to your house.” 

 

Dean laughed sarcastically, putting his head through the door of the passenger’s seat to glare at him. His green eyes shone in the night, and Cas wanted to to stare at them forever. “ _Castiel_ ,” Dean started, furious, and the blue eyed man flinched. He had gotten so used to Dean saying Cas, and had actually started referring to himself as Cas, that when Dean said his full name like that, he hated it. 

 

“No one, and I mean _no one,_ drives my baby.” Dean’s rage was seething through each word of his sentences now. Well, two could play at that game. 

 

“ _Danny,”_ Cas shot back, and Dean physically winced, his face turning red. “Get in the passenger’s seat and put the jacket on.” Dean started to open his mouth, but Cas was still talking. “I’m not letting you drive, you’re emotionally unstable right now, and would probably speed way over the speed limit.You would get into a accident and you wouldn't be any use to Sam dead.” 

 

Dean swore quite colorfully, loud enough to wake the entire street as he jumped into the passenger’s seat beside Cas with his borrowed jacket on. “You’re such a control freak, Cas!” Dean roared, as he shut the door. The accusation didn't have any effect on the Med student. Dean could call him whatever he pleased, but Cas wasn't going to let Dean get hurt again. Or Sam, for that matter. They drove off as Dean slumped in his seat, pouting with his arms crossed tightly like a little boy. Cas would've smiled at the sight if the situation wasn't what it was now. 

 

Cas parked in the Winchester driveway only 5 minutes later, with Dean next to him visibly freaking out. His fists tightly clenched, his breathing was slow and heavy like a sick dog. Cas felt like he needed to comfort him, to calm him down before he had this big show down with his father. Dean had told his friend what Sam had told him in the car ride to the Winchester house. Cas had heard only a little about Dean’s father, just that he wasn't doing too well — understatement—and he was the reason that Dean had somehow got glass stuck in the back of his right knee, but that was enough for the Milton get the picture. 

 

Cas also knew it was none of his business and he didn't know much about the situation in general, but he was starting to slightly loathe John Winchester. What type of father was he to leave the boys to fend for themselves, one brother dropping out of high school and working to desperately pay for his younger genius brother to go to college? And then now he comes back and attempts to steal the money the boys put their blood, sweat, and tears into? Cas shook his head in frustration, slightly enraged. 

 

Dean turned to him with one hand gripping the car door, ready to leave any second now. He looked so sad, and it broke Cas’s heart a little. He wasn't tired, or angry, or even stressed. He was just plain sad. And that’s when Cas truly realized how broken Dean was. 

 

Completely broken, masked by a layer of arrogance and attitude, tightly wrapped in a leather jacket to hide his shattered soul complete with a devil may care smirk. Cas had a sudden weird urge to hug him. 

 

Dean cleared his throat distractedly, blinking his long eyelashes at Cas in the middle of the dark car. “You don't have to come in if you don't want to. You can stay in the car.” 

 

Cas shook his head slowly, exhaling. “I’m sorry, but I’m coming in.” 

 

Despite everything, Dean chuckled softly as he opened the car, scoffing at Cas, “You stubborn little shit.” Cas turned the corners of his mouth up and walked after Dean to the front door. 

 

The Milton handed his friend the keys and Dean quietly but surely opened the front door, his eyes haunted and his mouth a hard straight line. Cas nudged the door open and they stepped inside, keeping their footsteps light as they trod purposely towards Dean’s room. It was oddly silent, a buzz in the air, and Cas felt his heart in his mouth pulsating fast. They stopped when they reached Dean’s closed bedroom door, glancing at each other. The currently wide eyed Milton gave the unblinking Winchester a slow single nod, and with that, the two soul mates —no sorry — the two _friends_ , pushed open the door together. 

 

There was a largely built man sitting with his long thick legs hanging over the edge of Dean’s bed, slouching with his head in his hands. He was bent over in a way that reminded Cas of himself when he was about to meet his soulmate, shaking breaths as he bent over his coffee. The Milton could immediately tell the man was an alcoholic even though the could only see his curled up body and hands. His hands were shaking visibly, the tip of his fingers swelling, as well as his skin being dry, red, and itchy, with flakes on his balding head. He had an obvious case of seborrheic dermatitis. He had a black now greying beard that was ragged and disorderly. This man could be no one other than John Winchester himself. 

 

Sam was perched on the bed awkwardly a few feet away from his father, still inches taller and bigger in general to his dad. His entire body language screamed “UNCOMFORTABLE”, with his hands in his lap, to the constipated look on his face.The youngest Winchester was slightly turned away from his father, and when he glanced up as Cas and Dean emerged into view he slightly relaxed. His shoulders descended the tiniest inch, and his hands fidgeted, falling out of his lap. That’s when Cas perceived the huge wad of cash clutched in Sam’s right hand. 

 

_Sam’s college money_

 

John Winchester didn't immediately react when Dean and Cas came into the room, just stayed there in the same crouching position he was in. Cas turned to Dean, and saw that the 21 year old had turned into a 5 year old boy. He looked terrified, staring at his father with gigantic eyes.

 

Dean cleared his throat, and John looked up, confused. His eyes were brimmed red. 

 

“Dean,” his voice gravelly as he spoke,“you’ve got to understand”

 

Dean flinched, his face a hard mask of stone. John’s eyes slid over from Dean to Cas. It was rather overwhelming, staring into the brown eyes of someone he knew had basically ruined the mental and emotional state of his only friend. “Who are you?” 

 

Cas was surprised when he found in it himself to speak. “I’m—“ he paused for a moment. “I’m Castiel. Dean’s friend.” He decided not to use his nickname because he felt like it was something Dean and him shared, a rather profound bound built on the shortened version of his name for some reason. He was not going to give a inner part of himself, a secret pact Dean and him were in, to the very man who had shattered the soul of the person Cas shared it with. _Only worthy people_ , he decided in that very moment, _can call me Cas._ _And this man is not worthy at all._

 

 _“_ What’s he doin’ ‘ere?” John’s voice was rough, aggravated, rude, and Cas desperately fought the urge to punch him in the face. He had never felt such rage towards someone before, he had never cared enough to want to commit acts of violence for someone else. He felt like his body was on fire, and it frightened him. Cas opened his mouth to shoot back a harsh retort when Dean put one of his arms in front of Cas, as if protecting him. 

 

“I feel like _we_ should be asking the questions.” Dean’s voice was just as rude as his father’s, and Cas had a feeling that Dean had never talked to his father like this before. 

 

The oldest Winchester cocked his head in the direction of Sam’s hand that was grasping the money. “What’s up with you taking our hard earned money to pay for Sam’s college, huh?”

 John turned to look at Sam, his face expressionless. Sam huffed, tension in his face, his chest rising up and down fast. There were tears in his eyes as he avoided his dad’s gaze. 

 

Dean spoke up again, his voice a hoarse whisper now. “Huh?” 

 

John looked up at Dean, his face melting into a little something like guilt. “Dean,” his voice cracked, “you’ve got to get it. You've got to understand.”

 

 Dean shook his head, his fists clenched tight. “Just because you messed up —“

 

 “The person I owe money to? They're big people. Bad people. They'll come after us.” 

 

Dean was breathing hard now, fidgeting. It sounded like he was about to have an asthma attack, and Cas almost reached for his hand in an effort to calm him down. Almost. The Milton squeezed his eyes shut to get a hold of his wits. Hand holding would be absolutely foolish in this situation. It would lead to a very awkward chain of events, and Dean would probably shake it off anyway. 

 

 _Why did I want to hold his hand anyway? I’ve known Dean for 3 days._ _I don’t even have romantic feelings for him._

 

Dean was furious now, borderline mental. He kept his voice low, a faint whisper, but enraged enough to terrify grown men. “Why do you have to be so selfish?” 

 

John Winchester furrowed his thick eyebrows, his face melting into a utterly disturbed expression as he opened his mouth to say something, then closed it when he realized he didn't have anything to say. It looked a lot like a fish. 

 

Dean continued, “Why did you play then? Why did you gamble when you were flat out drunk?”

 

Cas realized that Dean had never stood up to his father judging by the expressions on all the Winchester boys’ faces, that Dean was obviously spitting all his built up anger over the years in his father’s face, his voice and face absolutely deranged. Cas had never seen anyone so furious. 

 

Dean took a deep shaking breath, then dropped the bomb. “Why do you have to be such a goDDAMN SELFISH BASTARD?!” 

 

Everything happened all at once. 

 

Cas heard a sob emit from the huge hunched over figure of Sam Winchester, his entire body protecting the wad of money he had stored in his lap. 

 

John exhaled a sharp breath, and with a murderous look on his face stood up as fast as lightening, with his right hand picking up a baseball bat that lay to the side and raising it above his head, about to hit Dean with it. 

 

Dean stood his ground, glaring daggers at his father whilst gritting his teeth. 

 

Cas let out a pathetic wrangled scream at the sight of the Winchester father about to bring down a baseball bat on his eldest son, and shoved himself in front of his one and only friend, his arms stretched out and his eyes squeezed shut. 

 

Time stopped.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please please comment, you guys don't know how much it means to me. It makes me feel like someone is reading this, and I'm not just putting this up to entertain myself (which I seriously think is happening right now BTW)
> 
> Next update is coming on the 31st of July, in 4 days! 
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, or suggestion you want kept in private, (or you can follow me on there too I would also love that) meet me on tumblr [here](http://superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com)
> 
> Make sure to let me know you want it kept private though :)


	8. January 21st, 9:42:31 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I obviously don't own the rights to the song "The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance. That being said, that's the song that's playing in the coffee shop and the italicized words are the lyrics. I suggest you go listen to the song before you read this, it makes a bit more sense even though I wrote the lyrics out.

Dean didn't know what to do, so he just stood there. Like a complete idiot. Here was a guy that he had just met 2 days ago literally throwing himself in front of possible major head injury that would hurt like a bitch for him. Sam looked up slowly and his eyes widened when he saw the sight.

John Winchester was rendered speechless, something his sons had always subconsciously assumed would never happen. He was completely frozen, staring in shock at Cas, with the bat over his head like he was getting ready to hit a home run. Dean’s dad let out a surprised gasp and he dropped the bat, his fingers opening letting it slide out of his hands and onto the floor with a dull _thump._

No one spoke. 

  Dean felt Cas relax when he realized the blow he was waiting for wasn't coming. He slowly opened his eyes that were squeezed tight in fear before, tentatively looking into John Winchester’s wide eyes. His back still pressed up against Dean’s chest, Cas slowly dropped his shaking hands to his side instead of keeping them splayed like a starfish like before. His breathing was shaking as well, heavy and deep. 

Dean’s father spoke in a coarse whisper, his voice cracking. “What?!”

Cas looked down at his hands that were clenched into fists with a straight face that won him a hell of lot of poker games. He looked up, a bit more confident, as if his hands had magical powers like a damn angel or something. 

“I won’t let you hurt Dean.” Cas told John with gritted teeth, his deep voice sounding dark and menacing. 

Dean was shocked. No, that was an understatement. There was no word in the English dictionary, or any dictionary for that matter, that could describe the amount of goddamn _surprise_ he was feeling. This little bookworm that Dean was proud to call his friend _was standing up to his dad for him_. Sure, the whole throwing himself in front of Dean was incredibly impressive, but the Winchester had kinda sorta dismissed it as a automatic reflex or something. Maybe Cas just saw the bat over John’s head and didn't know what to do so he regrettably, accidentally, somehow, without giving it any thought, threw himself in front of Dean. 

But this!

But actually looking at someone Cas knew was violent and dangerous and telling them that he wouldn't let him do something was just so…..

Dean didn't know what to call it. Selfless? Brave? _Pretty freaking amazing?!_ Nothing would do justice. 

And that also proved that Cas had done it on purpose, with full intent. He had put himself between harm and Dean not on accident or whatever, but because _he had thought it out and done it because he wanted to._

Dean glanced over at his little brother hunched over the money on his bed. Sam’s eyes were wet and it was obvious he had been crying through the whole ordeal. Dean wanted to punch a wall to let his anger out; Sammy was just a kid. He didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve any of this. And the worst part was that Dean knew that Sam blamed himself for everything. He knew what Sam was thinking. _It’s all my fault that I want to go to Harvard. If I just dropped out, none of this would happen._

Dean felt sorry that Sammy had to go through this all the time, but this time it was the worse. His little brother’s crying face looked so young, so heartbroken, that it hurt Dean’s already wounded heart even more. 

Someone finally said something after what seemed like hours of silence. It was John, with rage and murder in his brown eyes. He had the same expression he had on his face when he was about to give Dean a good beating. 

“How dare you talk to —“

“Dad!” 

Everyone in the room turned to Sam. John looked confused for a moment, as if he had forgotten his youngest son was there.  Dean panicked when he realized what his brother was about to do; raising the kid kind of meant that Dean knew exactly what Sam was going to do before he said it. Sam’s eyes flitted around nervously, hesitating, and Dean glared at Sam and shook his head urgently trying to communicate.

_Don’t do you dare do it Sammy_

Sam choose to ignore Dean’s obvious message and Dean was starting to look around the room for something to chuck at his brother when the little idiot said it. 

“Here, just…” Sam took a deep breath. His voice shook nervously. “…..just, take it Dad.”

Sam threw the wad of cash into John’s hands. Dean let out a slight gasp while  Cas just looked at the flying money, clutching his fists again.  

_Sam literally just threw his future away_

 “Sam! You can’t just —“

“Stop it Cas.” Sammy looked up, staring into Cas’s blue eyes. He looked sick. “I want to.”

John relaxed as he looked down at his hands; the huge sum of money that Dean and Sam had worked so hard for was now his to pay for his gambling debt. The Winchester’s father grunted in content, and with a straight face, stomped out of the room grasping Sam’s wealthy law career in his hands. 

The three boys listened carefully, and then the slam of the front door assured them that danger was gone and out of the house. 

No one said a word. 

Sam looked miserable, as if he had just truly realized the true weight of what he’d just done. There he sat, on Dean’s bed, slouching with his eyes cast downward and his goddamn long ass hair flopping forward. 

Dean was feeling pretty depressed himself, as a single word repeated over and over again in his head, turning into a mantra. 

_Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit_

The thing was, the cash that John had took was literally everything that Sam and Dean had been saving ever since that Sam had said he wanted to be lawyer, which was pretty damn long. Dean remembered it perfectly, little chubby 10 year old Sammy looking up at him in adoration, telling him that _Dean, when I grow up, I want to be lawyer!_ Dean had decided right then and there that he was going to do everything it took to make his little brother into a fine wealthy lawyer. 

That had been 7 years ago, and that money was 7 years of hard hard work, lawn mowings and dog walkings and lemonade stands when they were younger, to more serious things now, clerking and labor and working odd jobs that no one wanted to do. Hell, he had actually dropped out of school, seeing as he had no promise anyway, to work full time over at the garage to pay for Sam’s college. That money was about 3/4ths of the fee of one year at Harvard, and the Winchesters were proud of the hard work and dedication they had put into it. 

When Sam had told John 2 years ago that they were saving up for his college, _Dean we have to tell him, when I finally go to Harvard he’s going to be upset that we didn’t,_ John had grunted and gotten himself another beer, not taking his son seriously like always. Of course, that was before he had found the large stash in Dean’s drawer when he was looking for the beer that Sam hid from him. John had been furious that while he was off working constantly (Dean seriously doubted that, he probably just gambled and drunk half the time) for their food and essentials, his sons had a whole lot of money saved up for “something goddamn unrealistic and unnecessary like going to college”. That was the first time that Dean had stood up to his father, though he had just said one sentence about how if Sam went to college to be a lawyer, his future would be safe and happy. John had given him and Sam a good beating that day, and had stormed off, thankfully leaving the money in the drawer. When he came back a month later to give his sons money to live off of until he decided to show up again like usual, Dean had noticed he gave them a less amount than he usually did. That lesser amount became the regular amount, and no one talked about it.

As Sam walked out of the room as well to go call Jess -he had told her to leave as soon as he caught John, running into the other room and telling her to go whilst quickly dialing Dean's number -Cas unglued his back from Dean’s chest, and turned around to look at his friend, his face a giant question mark. Dean knew what he was asking. It was the same question he knew Sam was wondering, and he himself was wondering. 

_How’s Sam going to go to college now?_

_*********************************_

 

**January 22nd, 2:42:31 PM**

 

Cas’s deep voice cut through the air as he startled Dean out of his trance of staring at his coffee. 

“There’s always financial aid, student loans, scholarships.” Cas put a reassuring hand on the Dean’s tight clenched fist. He felt sparks fly inside his stomach, igniting and exploding like fireworks when Cas touched him. Shuddering the weird feeling off, Dean moved his hand away so Cas couldn't touch him anymore; he had more important things to worry about. 

Dean turned his head away from his friend, he didn't want him to see the stress on his face. Life had already been suckish as it was, and this whole goddamn situation wasn't helping at all. He absently shook his head in reply, without giving much explanation. 

They were sitting in the coffee shop that they had first met in, Dean drinking black coffee, Cas drinking tea (who drinks tea in a coffee shop, really?) and sharing a pastry that lay untouched between them. It was a rather cozy setting, the smell making you feel all warm inside, and the vintage music in the background was a nice touch. Dean cocked his head to the side, listening as a new song filled the place. It was quite slow and sad sounding, a bit melancholy, but good at the same time.

_When I was_

_a young boy_

_My father_

_took me into the city_

_to see a marching band_

Out of the corner of his eye, Dean saw Cas furrow his eyebrows, concerned. “Dean? Are you alright?”

_He said “Son when you grow up_

_would you be the savior of the beaten_

_the broken and the damned?”_

Shaking his head with his eyes squeezed shut, Dean forced himself to breath. His voice was hoarse when he answered. 

“I’m fine Cas, this is just…..a little goddamn stressful yanno?” A hysterical laugh bubbled out of him.

Cas nodded sympathetically. “We’ll figure something out.”

_We. He said we. Not you, but we. That’s so….._

Dean breathed, “Amazing”

Cas smiled. Not so much with his mouth, but with his eyes. His incredible blue eyes. 

_He said “Will you_

_defeat them?_

_Your demons_

_And all the non believers_

_the plans that they have made?_

_Because one day, I’ll leave you_

_a phantom_

_to lead you in the summer_

_to join the black parade”_

Dean turned around to fully look at Cas in the eye, lifting the corners of his mouth up in an attempt to smile as well. 

“So, why didn't you make use of student loans or financial aids before?”

“I didn't want Sammy to go through the pains of having to pay for student loans once he became a lawyer. He should be happy when he’s finally out of college yanno, not working his ass off to pay debts.”

Cas nodded thoughtfully.

“And I would still have to pay with financial aid anyway, so I would still be needing money, just a little less.”

There was a silence, and Dean reached for Cas’s hand across the table absentmindedly without really thinking about it. He wrapped his fingers around the blue eyed boy’s wrist, squeezing it gently as a thank you until he realized what he was doing and retreated back quickly. Cas was staring at Dean with the same expression he had used the day they had met in this very place; his eyes squinted and head tilted to the side, a calculating yet oddly comforting look now, charming in its own way. Before Dean had found it to be creepy and uncomfortable, now he loved it and thought it was kinda cute in the manliest way possible. 

_A world that sends you reeling from decimated_

_Your misery and hate will kill us all_

_So paint it black and take it back_

_Let’s shout it loud and clear_

_Defiant to the end we hear the call_

_To carry on_

_We’ll carry on_

Dean nodded once again, growing much more confident by the second. “I’ll figure it out. Sam’s going to college. He’s going to Harvard. I’m gonna make my little brother the best damn lawyer the world’s ever seen. I swear.”

Cas laughed, throwing his head back like a little kid. “We’ll figure it out together. You don’t have to be alone anymore.”

Dean gave a rare genuine smile in return, Cas seemed to bring it out a lot more often, that little bastard, and they set into an easy silence.

_On and on we carry through our fears_

_Oh oh ohhhh_

_Disappointed faces of our peers_

_Ooh oh ohhh_

_Take a look at me cause I could not care at all_

_Do or die, you'll never make me_

_Because the world will never take my heart_

_Go and try, you'll never break me_

_We want it all, we wanna play this part_

_I won't explain or say I'm sorry_

_I'm unashamed, I'm gonna show my scar_

_Give a cheer for all the broken_

_Listen here, because it's who we are_

_I'm just a man, I'm not a hero_

_Just a boy, who had to sing this song_

_I'm just a man, I'm not a hero_

_I! don't! care!_

_We’ll carry on_

Dean leaned forward and cut off a piece of the pastry with his fork, then ate it. It tasted decent, pie was really his thing, but it wasn't bad. Cas leaned forward as well, doing the same. The older man glanced up, and realized that his face was only inches away from his friend’s, Dean could see every centimeter of it. No one leaned backwards, and they smiled at each other, chewing the sweet pastry in that cozy little coffee shop.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Tommorow's August 1st 2014, Crouton! Have you been hoarding toilet paper?  
> So like please please comment, I loved all of y'all commenting, it made me hella happy omg. 
> 
> Next update's August 4th!
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, or suggestion you want kept in private, (or you can follow me on there too I would also love that) meet me on tumblr [here](http://superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com)
> 
> Make sure to let me know you want it kept private though :)


	9. January 23rd, 4:49:31 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so fluff! i think y'all need a break from reading dramatic plot points, and i need a break from writing them, so i decided to roll back and write fluffy stuff that had fluffy nice plot points yay enjoy.

Cas was slightly erratic. 

“Dean, I’ve literally spent all my time that I’m not in college with you, I’m falling behind in my studies!”

“Oh studies shmudies, I’m more important.”

“I can’t just follow youaround everywhere in your dingy old car.”

Dean gasped, rubbing the steering wheel of his Chevy Impala lovingly. “Don’t listen to him baby.” he told his beloved vehicle. “You’re beautiful.”

Dean had called Cas as soon as his classes had ended, and, after about 30 minutes of constant nagging, had dragged him into his car for a “surprise”. Cas could tell that Dean was giddy with excitement, and with each mile they drove his joy radiated outwards. Dean was a balloon ready to explode with adrenaline. The Winchester tapped his foot in time to the faint music he kept in the background, obviously trying to keep his breathing steady, earning an eye roll from his friend in the passenger’s seat.

Cas scoffed and crossed his arms, pouting. “I have somewhere to be….!”

“Like where?”

“Um….”

Dean raised his eyebrows at him when he couldn’t answer, and the Med student just resorted to biting his nails distractedly. 

Reaching over, Dean swatted Cas’s hand.

“Hey!”

“Stop doing that, you know it’s bad for you!”

Fuming, Cas crossed his arms in frustration. “Are we there yet?!”

“We’ve been in the car for 15 minutes. Calm down.”

“So?”

“We’re a minute away.”

Dean finally parked next to a garage near Panther Creek, with a lit up sign that said “Revved up!” on it. Men covered in sweat were working on multiple cars, yelling at each other for tools and bottles of water. 

Cas looked over at Dean with his eyebrows furrowed when his friend took the key out of ignition and gestured over to the garage in a _this is it!_ kind of way. 

“You’re taking me to work?!” he said, bewildered, and frankly, slightly annoyed. He really had somewhere to be…..

“You’ll see.”

Dean hopped up out of his car, and started strolling towards the garage. He took out his cellphone, stopping next to doors, and Cas saw him dial someone’s number.  

Cas tentatively got out of the car, resisting the urge to just walk home. He enjoyed Dean’s company; he really loved it, but there were some limits. Taking someone to their work was a limit.

Dean talked to the person on the other end of his phone for a moment, then walked back to Cas looking all determined. He grabbed the other’s wrist and gently tugged him towards the garage. Cas felt uneasy, staring up at it uncomfortably as he rested one hand upon the car, resisting. 

“Cas, come on! Trust me!”

The med student just huffed suspiciously. 

They were only 3 steps away from the Impala when a man in his 60s emerged from the garage, wearing a baseball hat with a plaid shirt, his jeans hanging over his old worn tennis shoes. He looked intimating at first, coming out a garage with a rugged beard, but Cas looked over at Dean and saw his friend’s expression; one of love and admiration. Cas realized that Dean had probably known his man ever since he had started working here. Judging by the look on his face, Dean loved the old man. Cas noticed that he was holding a particular plastic carrier in his hand and had a backpack thrown over his wide shoulders. 

His blue eyes widened when he saw what was in the carrier. From the corner of his eye, Cas saw Dean’s smile reach his eyes when he heard the Milton gasp in shock. 

For some reason, Cas felt like whispering was the appropriate thing to do as he leaned down to get a better look into the carrier. “Is that a……..it is! Oh my God.”

The man chuckled and handed the carrier over to Dean, who was sneezing uncontrollably for some reason, and the backpack to Cas. He shook the Milton’s hand, introducing himself as Bobby.

“Her immunization records are in there, along with her food, food bowl, water bowl, and her litter box. She just went to the vet a week ago, so you don’t need to worry about that.” 

Cas couldn't help it, he started to breathe abnormally fast in excitement as he looked down at the little ginger cat in the carrier. “Wait, you’re giving her to me?!”

“Well, Dean called me yesterday and said that he knew someone who could take Shiba here off our hands. He said you wanted a cat your whole life and whatnot, and my daughter Jo had this little girl she needed to give away. She doesn't have time for her.”

Cas was full on hyperventilating now, as he flailed his arms around in a typical fangirl way. He stared at the cat, Shiba, his eyes wide with shock, and then at Dean, who was smiling at him through sneezes. Cas just went from staring at the cat to staring at Dean, back and forth, as if his huge blue eyes couldn't decide at what to look at. 

Bobby chuckled once more. 

Cas looked up at Bobby, finally regaining his voice after what seemed like forever as he reached for his wallet. “How much do-“

“Oh no,” Bobby exclaimed, putting his hands up whilst shaking his head, “she’s for free. A friend of Dean’s is a friend of mine.”

“Are you sure? I-“

“I’m sure. Anything for Dean’s soulmate.” he said, grinning and throwing a wink at Dean, who didn't notice it. Bobby tipped his hat at both boys, and walked back to the garage after throwing an odd look in Dean’s direction. It probably had to do something about his nonstop sneezing.

Cas resisted to squeal loudly like a little girl. He had told Dean as a passing comment that he _adore_ d cats and had wanted one his whole life, but had never got the chance. He hadn't expected Dean to really remember and _get him an actual cat._

The Milton finally regained his senses and actually took notice of Dean’s uncontrollable sneezing that had entailed the second Shiba had gotten close. 

“Dean, are you allergic to cats?” he asked, frowning. 

His friend let out a meek little “damn straight” in between the eruptions coming from his nostrils. 

Cas grimaced and went and set Shiba’s carrier down in the backseat of the Impala, reminding himself to spray the car with gallons of air freshener when he got home after taking his cat out. He didn’t want Dean to get in a car accident because his nose was exploding, not being able to pay attention to the road anymore. 

Dean immediately stopped sneezing when Cas shut the Impala door and walked back to him.  

“Thank you so much, this is beyond wonderful.”

Dean shook his head shyly, and Cas couldn't believe it, looked down at his shoes and blushed. Like a tomato. 

“Yeah, I wanted to get something to thank you for all you’ve done for me.”

Cas let out a nervous laugh, a bit jumpy because of the way Dean had his hands in his pockets and was looking down all embarrassed. This was Dean Winchester, tough manly man in a leather jacket and cool car. He didn't get flustered or blush!

“So it’s basically something so you wouldn't feel guilty about me saving you all the time.”

Dean laughed, throwing his head back as the mood shifted to something a little more light, rather than the tense tone before. It was a very genuine laugh, and it was a rare time that Cas could see his friend truly happy. Basked in joy, there was no underlying tone of stress. The only other time the Milton had seen Dean like that was when he had came over for dinner with his family. 

“The cat is also blackmail material.”

Cas smiled, and moved a bit closer to Dean. He hesitated for a second, but it felt like such the right thing to do, that he did it even though his heart was beating fast and his hands were sweaty. 

Cas squeezed his soulmate into a tight hug, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck as he rested his chin on his shoulder, since the Winchester was a bit taller than him. Dean stiffened for a moment, but then got over it and encased Cas’s middle with his arms as he hugged back.  

_This feels really good._

As they both pulled back a bit awkwardly, Cas decided to throw in a cat fact to change the mood.

“Hey, did you know that a male cat's penis is sharply barbed along its shaft?”

Dean choked. “What?!”

 _Ok, so maybe that wasn't the best cat fact._  

 

**January 24th, 2:03:11 PM**

It was in the middle of a very boring lecture Cas received a text. 

**Hey Cas, it’s Sam! You there? Hope I did’t catch you at the wrong time**

Cas glanced down as his phone buzzed in his lap, slightly frowning. No one really texted him other than his parents and Anna. Dean was really bringing new things into his life. Whether it was for the best or the worst, he hadn't really decided yet. 

He shot back a reply, hoping that no one saw him. His professor was quite strict about texting in class.

**_I’m in the middle of a lecture right now, but it’s quite boring. Do you need something?_ **

**Well it’s Dean’s birthday today, and I thought I’d just tell you……if you wanted to do something for him. We usually go out to eat on his birthday but I can’t do that tonight, because, well you know why. I told him that I I promised Jess I would have dinner with her family tonight, and he didn't care. Dean’s not very big on birthdays.**

Oh! Dean had never told Cas it was his birthday. But then again, he wasn't very attention seeking; Dean was the type that hated people making a huge fuss out of him. 

**Besides, Dean likes your company better than mine, he’s tired of his little brother.**

**_I’m sure he’s not_ **

**Mmmm, I wouldn't be so sure. He’s been taking care of me my whole life, so he’s probably weary of looking at my face all the time! :)**

**_Alright, well, I’ll take him out and celebrate tonight. Don’t worry._ **

**Great! Thanks man, Dean really needs someone like you.**

Cas went back to attempting to pay attention to his dull lecture on God knows what, and decided to text Sam a quick message again to prevent from falling asleep.

**_Hey Sam?_ **

**Yeah?**

**_Don’t fret too much about tonight. You’re an exceptional person, I’m sure you’ll ace it._ ** ****

**Thanks man, that means a lot. Just don’t tell Dean.**

**_I was actually planning on telling him tonight as a birthday present._ **

**That would be great, but what if I don’t get it? I don’t want to get his hopes up.**

**_You’ll get it_ **

Cas could practically hear Sam chuckle when he received his text. 

**Well, then, go ahead and tell him. Just don’t blame me when he freaks out and then it turns out to be nothing.**

**_You’re too modest_ **

**:)**

Cas really liked Sam even though he didn’t know the youngest Winchester that well, he was quite nice and caring, and possessed a boyish charm that made it impossible not to want to be his friend.

The med student put his phone in his trench coat pocket, to make sure he wouldn't get distracted by it again. He _really_ needed to get it together, Cas was falling behind in his classes because he was spending so much time with Dean. Time that he could've used studying. And of course, tonight was no exception. 

 

**January 24th, 6:43:06 PM**

_At least I got in about 2 hours of studying. That’s the most I’ve studied since I’ve met Dean, so I suppose that’s a major accomplishment._

Cas sighed and picked up his phone after rummaging in his trench coat pockets for a minute. He dialed Dean’s number- he knew it by heart now- and started looking in his closet for something acceptable to wear while he waited for his friend to pick up.

“What’s the word Cas?”

“A shortened version of my name.”

The Winchester let out a short laugh.

“Get dressed, Dean,” Cas murmured as he inspected a blue shirt that Anna told him bought out his eyes, “We’re going out for your birthday.”

Dean groaned low and long. “How’d ya know- it was Sam wasn’t it?”

“Yup!” the Milton replied, popping the p, while he struggled to button his jeans with one hand.

“That son of a bitch.”

Cas didn't reply, he was too busy trying to pull on the blue shirt over his head while holding the phone to his ear. 

“Listen man,” Dean sighed, “I don’t like people making a huge deal out my birthday, it’s just another day. 

“No, you’re turning 22, that only happens once in someone’s life.”

“But-“

Cas cut him off, too tired to hear Dean’s protests. 

“I’ll pick you up at 7:00.”

“You control freak,” Dean grumbled. 

“If you’re not ready by 7, I’m hiding the keys to your car.”

There was such a sudden dramatic gasp on the other end that Cas almost dropped his comb.

“Not my baby!”

“Then be ready by 7.”

Dean’s tone turned light as he teased, “Wow Cas, this is the exact definition of an abusive relationship." 

Cas fumed silently; he’d been attacking his unruly hair for what seemed like forever, and then just gave up, dropping the comb to the floor in frustration. 

“Well,”  he sighed, “I’m going to go and try to fit more studying in before I have to go pick you up. You’re time consuming and I want to be a surgeon. 

“I’m better than some stupid books.”

“I want to have a medical career in the future, Dean!”

“Still better, and smarter.”

“I'm sorry to remind you but, you’re a high school dropout.” 

“OK well then, just better.”

“What am I going to tell my patients when I say that I don’t know how to perform their life saving surgery? ‘Sorry dying person, I was too busy spending time with my soulm- friend who claimed to be much better than a lot of people’s lives.’ ”

Dean chuckled once more, joking, “Tell ‘em I’m hot and have an amazing car. They’ll understand.”

Cas resisted the urge to sigh deeply again, instead just saying, “Bye Dean!” He was about to hang up when Dean spoke again, refusing to acknowledge the fact that Cas really needed to study.

“Hey, how’s Shiba?”

The Milton turned around to look at his new cat, who was in the corner of the room licking herself. “She’s eating, drinking, and sleeping just fine, but she won’t come near anyone.That’s normal for a newly adopted cat though; she just has to get used to me.”

“Maybe she hates you.”

Scoffing, Cas reached for the end call button with a firm, “ _Goodbye_ Dean.”

“So what you think? Plaid button down or blue polo?”

“DEAN!”

“I’m sorry, last question! I promise!”

Cas let out a long breath and chewed on his thumb nail while opening up his notes. “What’s the point? You’re going to wear your leather jacket over it anyway.”

“Yeah but-“

“I’m leaving now, bye!”

“But-“

Cas hung up the phone; no matter how much he liked Dean, he aggressively needed to hit the books. The Milton glanced up at his clock, realizing he only had 5 minutes before he had to hop in the car to pick his friend up. 

_To the hell with this_

Slamming his book of notes shut, he halfheartedly ran his fingers through his hair in one final attempt to tame it. His wild hair sticking up even more, Cas walked down the stairs to grab his shoes. His mom was cooking dinner and Anna was curled up reading a magazine, while his dad was probably in his study. 

Grabbing his favorite pairs of shoes- the one with the little wings on them- Cas remembered that he hadn't told his family about his plans for tonight. 

“Hey mom!”

“Yes?”

“I’m going out tonight, I’ll be back before 9:00!”

“Where are you going?”

“It’s Dean’s birthday, I’m taking him out to eat.”

“Oh!” Cas could practically hear the giggle in his mother’s voice, if that were possible. “Have fun.”

Cas narrowed his eyes in suspicion as he sat down on the couch next to Anna to put on his shoes. Something was off.

“What?”

“What do you mean what?”

“Why did you talk like that?”

Turning around to peer at his mom, Cas saw her standing next to the stove, spatula in hand, with a huge giddy smile on her face.

“It’s nothing!”

“Mom……”

“It’s just that I’m very glad that you met Dean.”

Cas sighed while turning around to start putting on his shoes. “I told you that we agreed to be just friends…!”

“No I know!” her tone was getting more giddy by the second, and it was making Cas a bit uneasy. “It’s just I’m glad that you’ve found a good friend. You actually go out like a normal 19 year old now.”

Finishing tying his right shoe, Cas huffed and turned around once more to glare at his mother. 

“I wasn’t a recluse!”

“Yeah, but you never went out before you met him!” she exclaimed. “You just went to school, then came back and shut yourself in your room studying and reading.”

The med student shook his head and started to tie his other shoe when his sister sitting next to him, who hadn't uttered a word or even looked up, murmured, “She’s right, you know.”

Cas groaned dramatically. “Not you too!”

“I’m just saying Cassie.”

Choosing to ignore the female population of his family, Cas finished tying his shoes and got up from the couch to leave, keys in hand.

“Use protection!”

The 19 year old made a annoyed noise in the back of his throat. 

“That joke’s getting real old, Anna.”

Snickering, Anna finally looked up from her magazine. “Hey, at least you have your soulmate.”

Cas grimaced, pointing out,"You’re getting yours real soon.”

Turning serious, the redhead’s face turned wistful as she shrugged. “Yeah, I know. I just wish it was sooner yanno? So we’d have more time together.”

The blue eyed man nodded understandingly.   

“I know.”

He did know. No matter how much Dean could get on his nerves, Cas really loved having him in his life. 

 

 

**January 24th, 6:12:48 PM**

Dean’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree as soon as he saw it.

“This is my favorite, Cas!”

The Milton smiled knowingly, chuckling a little as he watched Dean beam at the little diner they were parked across. 

“How’d ya know?”

“Well, you’re obsessed with pie and burgers so I just figured that-“

“Cas, you’re the best!” Dean exclaimed ecstatically, jumpy as a kid on Christmas morning. 

Smiling to himself, the blue eyed boy took the keys out of ignition as he replied cockily, “I know.”

**********************

They sat down at the semi crowded little diner, taking the booth by the window. Dean looked happier than Cas had ever seen him before, which, he realized with a jolt, he’d only known him for 5 days. It seemed to him that he had known Dean much longer, that he had been a part of his life so long that it was quite weird to think about the fact they'd only knew about each other for 5 days. They knew each other so well and spent a lot of time together.  

They talked for quite a long time, digging into their food, a bacon burger and a titanic slice of apple pie for Dean, and a tofu burger for Cas; Dean was surprised to learn that his friend had been a vegetarian since he was 9 years old, _Man, how do you live?!_ They prattled on about just stupid topics in general. Pimples, gauge earrings, Cas’s short lived interest in the learning how to play the ukelele when he was 12 that resulted in him having a mental breakdown (Dean got a kick out of that one).

They eventually got kicked out the diner because they had sat in there so long and it was closing, so the two friends just ended up walking back to Cas’s car and sitting in the backseat, talking to each other there. It was funny, Cas had never met a person of who he could talk to for hours, and not get bored. They would always have something new to talk about, and he felt a great deal of comfort just sitting in the backseat with his friend and conversing about nothing in particular, jabbering away about the most irrelevant things, such as procrastinating, the worst ways to die, the best part of an Oreo (that sparked such a passionate heated argument that they agreed to resolve it on a later date so they didn't end up hurting each other).

Finally, Cas decided it was time to give Dean his kinda sorta present. 

Clearing his throat to get his friend’s attention, Cas tentatively started talking.

“Hey, I’m sorry that I didn't get you a real present but-“

“Cas.” Dean shook his head wildly with a bewildered look on his face, as if he was overwhelmed by the thought of someone doing something so simple like getting him a present on his birthday. “You don’t have to _at all_.”

“Let me finish, Dean.”

“Alright, alright.”

“I didn't really get you a real present, but there’s something I did for you that might maybe….um…..qualify…?!”

Dean blinked, puzzled. “What?”

“Well, remember yesterday when I told you I had somewhere to be?”

“Yeah, but when I asked you where you didn't say anything, so I assumed you were lying.”

“I wasn't lying.”

“Ok…?”

“Well,” Cas continued, “when you were driving me to the garage to get Shiba, I had meant to talk to professors at my college about Sam, because -”

Dean’s eyebrows shot up a mile high. “Sam?!”

“Stop interrupting Dean! My biology professor quite likes me, and she has close connections to the people I needed to talk to in our school. I told her, after gaining the ownership of Shiba, about Sam and you, and a little bit about you Winchester’s situation.” Cas held up his hand when Dean opened his mouth to speak, about to yell that “our situation is our own goddamn business Cas” no doubt, and hurried on. “I didn't go into detail at all, just explained the very basic need to knows.

Eventually, she pulled some strings and I pulled some strings, and, well…..the reason that Sam can’t celebrate your birthday with us today is not because he has to have dinner with Jess’s family, it’s because…..”

Dean’s breathing was erratic, his eyes wide. It was obvious he had figured out what Cas was getting at. “Spit it out, Cas!”

Cas stumbled out his words to get them out as soon as possible. “The reason that Sam isn't here with us right now is because he’s currently in a interview to get into my college, Briggs University, with a full ride scholarship.”

There was a prolonged silence as Dean just stared at Cas with huge colossal eyes, breathing heavily. Cas felt weird, a mixture of fear and excitement in the pit of his stomach. He knew that this was a huge thing for Dean, possibly one of the biggest things that had ever happened to him, and it would be the very thing that could turn his life around completely. But despite all that, Dean didn't say a word. He just looked at Cas whilst blinking his bright green eyes, those shining emeralds that swirled like pools of vegetation, tinted with mysterious flakes of luminous dark.

The silence stretched long enough for Cas to get extremely uncomfortable, and was about to start aggressively picking at his nails again -which he knew Dean hated- so instead, he just decided to say something.  

“If he makes it, he doesn’t have to pay for any of the costs. Briggs is considered a very good school, and only 10 miles away from your home so you guys can visit each other whenever. Briggs is just an undergrad school, but I’m sure that 4 years will give you time to save up a good deal of money for Harvard.” 

_He’s still just staring at me._

“I’m sure he’ll make it, Sam told me that his GPA is perfect, and his SAT scores are unbelievably high. He also has many academic and character awards.”

_I need to shut up_

 “We didn't tell you immediately because we didn’t want to get your hopes up.” 

_I know I’m rambling but I can’t stop!_

“Sam at first told me not to tell you tonight in case he didn't get it, but I’m sure he will, so I mean,” Cas bubbled out a loud hysterical laugh, “what the hell!”

_Maybe I should slap him, it doesn't look like he’s been breathing for the past minute._

“And of course, law school is extremely expensive, but by then you’ll have a sufficient amount of money piled up, and I’ll help you raise money too, I will!”

_Maybe he’s in shock_

“And then of course you can always apply for finical aid, and a little bit of student loan won’t hurt Sam too much in the future. I don’t think you guys have to worry so much about paying off student loan in the future, now that I think about it, because, I mean, obviously you’ll-“

His rambling was abruptly cut off by Dean quickly leaning forward and pressing his lips into his.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I currently have 666 hits on this fic, and 69 comments! I'm cackling right now OMG, apparently Satan likes Tick Tock too!
> 
> Ok guys, I know that getting scholarship interviews for college or whatever takes a while and not like a day, but for the purpose of the story just go with it. 
> 
> Shoutout to [this](http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdd1ldbhg91qzfp7f.jpg) picture of Misha with a cat, where i got the inspiration for the first part. 
> 
> Shoutout to the NerdHQ panel in SDCC 2014, where the first thing that Misha and Jared talked about was the name Shiba, and their pets who were named Shiba. 
> 
> Also shoutout to Cas’s unruly hair in Season 4 (you know what I'm talking about), and [these](http://www.besportier.com/archives/cool-sneakers-for-men-new-adidas-wings-2.0-shoes.jpg) hella adorkable wing shoes that Cas wears in the diner scene (FYI he was wearing them when he first met Dean too).
> 
> Okay so please please comment, it makes me enjoy writing this even more!
> 
>  
> 
> Next update's August 9th!
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, or suggestion you want kept in private, (or you can follow me on there too I would also love that) meet me on tumblr [here](http://superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com)
> 
> Make sure to let me know you want it kept private though :)


	10. January 24th, 9:25:08 PM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit goes down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Party with me on tumblr [here](http://superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com)

Dean quickly pulled back, blinking rapidly, feeling surprised at what he had just done. Cas started breathing hard, his shoulders heaving. He looked down at his shoes, and started furiously rubbing at a spot on his coat.

Dean started stammering out rapid fire apologies.

“Shit.”

“Damnit man.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I just-“

His frantic explanations were cut short by Cas waving his hand dismissively and looking up, eyebrows furrowed. Dean glanced downwards for a second and noticed that his friend’s hand was trembling. 

“Dean,” he said, his voice coarse, “you’re only supposed to apologize if it was a mistake.”

_Holy shit_

_Is he saying what I think he’s saying?_

“Was it a mistake?”

Dean inhaled a long shocked breath, not knowing what to say, or do, or think.

_Of course it was a mistake, Cas is my friend, not my…soulmate, not my…lover._

He shuddered at the word, _lover._ It was a foreign word to him. To Dean, the only person he really had ever considered loving was Sam, because he was family and had been taking care of the little squirt ever since he was 6 months old. Daring to care for someone outside of family, now that was pretty dangerous. 

The closet he had ever gotten to doing that was Bobby. Bobby was not just a old man who worked with him, he was like the father he had never really had. He had took Dean under his wing ever since the Winchester had stepped into that rackety old garage, young and terrified out of his mind. 

But of course, that was Bobby, a 60 something year old man who was tough as nails and didn't need reciprocated words or actions every once in a while, he just cared for Dean and that was it.

But Cas, oh Cas was different wasn't he? He needed so much more, favors and kindness and love and things that Dean didn't know how to give. 

That is, if he decided to be more than friends.

Glancing up at Cas through his lashes, Dean was completely blown away by him. Not his looks, no, although Cas was quite the looker, but rather by his soul. It was something that you could feel, being around him. Cas had a beautiful soul, and Dean knew no matter how old his friend grew when time passed, his soul wouldn't age with him. It was evergreen. Cas’s soul was the type that not everyone could see because he acted so ordinary at first. An ordinary 19 year old med student. But no, he was the type of person to jump in front of someone so he would get hit by a baseball bat and not them, the type of person to love too much but judge too much at the same time.  He was astonishing.

“Dean?”

The Winchester jumped, his thoughts scattering everywhere. “Wha?”

“Was it a mistake?”

It wasn’t. It really wasn’t. Dean realized that he had subconsciously wanted Cas the second he had met him. That’s what soul mates were, right? To look at someone and want them in an instant, even if it was in your mind and you didn't even realize it, to just know that they were going to be the person you were going to spend the rest of your life with. And yeah, everyone had their own faults, Cas kind of had a stick up his ass and was extremely uptight all the time, and he wore that ridiculous looking trench coat for no reason other than “ _I really like the color Dean_ ”, but Dean accepted them for what they were. Soul mates were supposed to make you feel complete, and that’s what Cas did. Complete Dean and make him whole in a way that he never really thought possible. 

_But do I do that to him? Do I make him whole, or whatever the hell it is?_

The Winchester looked down at his callused hands from working at the garage. His hands were so nicked and rough, and Cas’s were so smooth and untouched. 

That’s when it hit him. 

Of course not.

He was a high school dropout who fixed cars for a living. He was scarred and broken and had nothing to offer.

_I’m just going to hurt him._

_I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve any of this._

_Especially Cas._

_How could I possibly deserve Cas?!_

_He doesn't want me! No one wants me!_

_I’m completely unworthy of even being friends with him, let alone being a…lover!_

“Dean?”

The Winchester looked up from his hands, gazing into his friend’s eyes. To say that Cas’s eyes were blue was like saying the sun was yellow; sufficient but not accurate enough to capture the burning. As he stared, Dean knew that he was going to spend the rest of his life believing Cas had his own sky inside of him. They reminded him of a fragile piece of blue china, the lightest shade of teal, the sea floor in which he could be swimming in right his second. They reminded him of something…extravagant. Dean knew, in that moment and in that moment only, that the twinkle in Cas’s eyes was the most damn… _beautiful_ thing he could witness in his short-long life. 

And seeing that hurt him more than ever, because he was about to do what, well, what he was about to do.

“Dean? _Was it a mistake?”_

He looked up, slowly blinking. 

“Yes.”

Cas’s shoulders slumped down the tinniest bit, and his face twitched in a small expression of disappointment before disappearing as quickly as it had appeared.

“And also,” Dean hesitated a second before delivering the bomb, “this whole thing, this friendship thing, was a mistake. I…I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.”

Cas let out a slow long breath, his face devoid of any emotion. He avoided Dean’s gaze, looking at some invisible thing behind the Winchester. It was a long time before he spoke.

“Alright then.”

Lowering his eyes, Cas started biting at his nails with his poker face that won him countless games, and Dean had an urge to tell him to stop like he always did, but felt like he had lost that privilege. 

“I’m,” Dean wanted to punch himself in the face when he heard his voice break, “I’m sorry, Castiel.”

The minutes dragged by until finally Cas cleared his throat and climbed into the driver’s seat, doing it swiftly, which was weird, since he was literally in the backseat and climbing into the driver’s seat on his hands and knees _._ Dean shook his head, that boy continued to surprise him everyday, and did the same, climbing into the passenger’s seat, but making enough racket in the process to wake up the entire city. 

Cas turned the keys in the ignition and Dean stared at the Milton’s long slender fingers in an effort to convince himself he’d done the right thing. 

_I’m so broken and scarred and calloused_

_And Cas, Cas is so…raw and whole and pure_

_I’m protecting him from me_

_I had to cut it off before it got way too serious_

_It’s for the best_

_Right?_

It didn't make it any better, though. Even when he knew he did what he had to do, the whole thing just sucked balls.

Something in the atmosphere was very very different, something had changed and it was quite irreversible. It lingered in the air, thick and heavy, like a blanket.

It was just plain sad, really. The night had began like the sweet melody of a blackbird, full of promise of new ventures for their friendship to come. Now the night ended like a cold cup of coffee, waiting to be drained away.

They drove back in silence. 

 

**January 24th, 9:25:08 PM**

Sam almost dropped his cheap $10 champagne bottle. 

“What the _hell_ , Dean?!”

“Sammy, I-“

“I can’t believe…!” Sam glared at Dean in his classic bitchface that he usually only reserved for their father’s back. His once happy brown eyes were dark with rage, and his loose bow tie was hanging around his wide shoulders as if it too, was disapproving Dean’s choices. The youngest Winchester ran his hand through his chestnut hair wearily. 

“I come home after my college interview, which actually went _fantastic thanks for asking,_ all happy and ready to celebrate with my big brother, only to find out that he screwed shit up with his soulmate, the only person in the world who really made him happy!”

Dean squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. It was one thing to doubt his choices, but another to have his younger brother who he’d raised himself yell at him for it. Especially when Dean knew, in the tiniest crevice of his mind, that Sam was kinda right, damnit. 

“Oh, and did I mention the fact that the person you screwed it up with was also the man who got me this interview in the _first place_?!” Huh Dean? Did you forget that too?”

“Listen, Sammy-“

“No _you_ listen!” Dean had never seen his younger brother this angry before. It was weird, he had always thought that if Sam ever got to this point of mad, it would probably be at their dad. His fists clenched, Sam looked downright _furious._ And it was just because Dean had broken it off with his soulmate.

“Castiel is your only friend.” Sam spat out, his tone harsh. “He’s the one that brings out the best in you when you do _shit_. I have never seen you truly _happy_ , Dean, never in my whole life. But ever since you met Cas, you’re as joyful as a goddamn unicorn in a Disney movie.”

Needless to say, Sam was usually damn sophisticated and proper when it came to his manner of speaking, but when he got to a level of mad, he started talking like…well, he started talking like Dean. It was a bit unsettling to the older Winchester really, to sit there on the couch miserably and listen as his brother yelled at him like he would probably yell at himself. 

“And I know why you said that Dean! I know that you think that you're not good enough for Cas, that you’re protecting him and yourself, I know that because that’s why you have no frigging friends in the first place. But has it ever occurred to you that if you're not good enough is sometimes for the _other_ person to decide? That sometimes you may not think you are, but the other person does, and _want_ to keep you around?!”

Dean sank down on the old beaten brown couch and put his head in his hands. “I don’t think I can do this, Sammy. I don't know if Cas wants to be my soulmate. I know that I do, because he sorta, yanno, I don’t want to sound like a frigging chick, but makes me whole and all that shit, but I don’t do that to Cas. Also, we’re complete opposites. Our personalities, music choice, clothing preferences, manner of speaking, food taste- he’s a _vegetarian_ , for God’s sake. I’m a rowdy high school drop out mechanic while he’s a reserved bookworm who’s studying to be a damn surgeon. How the hell can he want me if-“

“Dean,” Sam said, sitting down on the coach beside him. His tone turned soft and understanding. “Do you know what a soulmate does?”

“Yeah!” he paused, taking his hands out of his face and leaning forward a little to train his eyes on the wall. “It’s…it’s a lover, a person who completes you and all that fairytale crap.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Dean saw his younger brother shake his head. 

“It’s about…about…see, it’s like this.” Sam turned to his brother to make full eye contact with him, subtly forcing Dean to do the same by staring at him until he finally sighed and turned as well. “You act first, and then think. Cas is the complete opposite. That’s what soul mates are. It isn’t about… _completing each other_ or whatever, you’re already complete. The point of a soulmate is to find a soul that complements your own, making you into a better being.”

“Yeah, sure, but how-?”

“Well, you push people away in fear of hurting them and yourself, because you think you’re not good enough and you’ll screw them up- which is what you're doing right now. When you get up your sorry ass and apologize to him,” Dean scoffed, and Sam plowed on as if nothing had happened, “you’ll slowly get over that. And you told me that Cas was really wound up and stiff, uptight if you must, and when you guys get back together,” another scoff that Sam deliberately ignored, “your rough careless kind of aura that you have will help him get over that.”

Tapping his fingers on his knees (his mom used to always tease him for moving all the time), Dean groaned once again, realizing, that once again, his nerdy son of a bitch brother was right. 

“Do you really think that Cas wants-“

“Of course he wants you,” Sam huffed impatiently as he got up to grab the champagne bottle and two glasses. He popped the cork expertly out the open window so the champagne and cork would fall outside, and quickly mopped up a little extra that had spilled onto the tile floor. He sat back down next to his brother with a glass halfway filled in each hand, offering one to Dean as he smiled that smile that made ladies all ages, whether they were 5 or 100, squeal _adorable_ when they saw it. “He jumped in front of a baseball bat for you. He could’ve died. He went out of his way to get me this interview. What more do you want?”

Accepting the glass, Dean turned the thought over in his mind. Yeah, maybe Cas did want to be his friend, and Dean was a bitch to him tonight. That meant that what he had said hadn't protected him like he originally wanted to, but hurt him. Probably real bad. 

Dean made a weird sound, a sort of scoff mixed with a shake of his head that qualified as a bitter _I can’t believe what I’ve just done_ kind of laugh.

“I always manage to mess things up, don’t I Sammy?”

Sam nudged Dean gently, a reassuring gesture. “Not always. I turned out alright didn't I?”

Humming in agreement, Dean raised his glass up as a toast. “To you and your interview. May you pass so you can get your ass outta here and quit setting my shit up straight all the time. I’m starting to think we have codependency issues.”

Sam chuckled, raising his glass up as well. “And also to you and Cas.”

When he didn’t elaborate like you were usually supposed to when you were making toasts (at least, that’s what the Winchesters had seen on TV), Dean raised his eyebrows  at him. 

The future lawyer shrugged shyly. “Just…to you and Cas. Whatever happens between you guys. It’s gonna be good.”

Dean smiled softly. “Yeah, after I somehow make it up to him after what I said tonight.”

“Just get him another cat or something.”

The Winchesters chuckled together, and downed the cheap champagne, sitting on their dingy little sofa in their torn up house, full of hope of the future to come. And even though the champagne was frigging terrible- it cost about $10, so they didn't expect much anyway-Dean leaned back and smiled. 

He was already planning on how to make things right with Cas. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo, Chapter 10 already! Can't believe it!
> 
> Next update's on 14 of August :)
> 
> So, please please comment, I really appreciate it, and I like to know that people are reading this!!
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, or suggestion you want kept in private, (or you can follow me on there too I would also love that) meet me on tumblr [here](http://superwholockbetrippin.tumblr.com)
> 
> Make sure to let me know you want it kept private though :)


	11. January 25th, 1:08:43 AM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to Vikti for making me update this cause I was going to update at like 11:59, even though I finished writing it 3 days ago. I just didn't want to get up and walk 2 feet to where my laptop was. :P
> 
> So ya meet me on tumblr and whatever [here](http://superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com)

Stupid.

He was stupid.

Cas couldn't believe he let himself think that Dean could possibly be his friend. Why the heck would Dean actually WANT to be his friend? He was a boring med student who read 24/7, while Dean was a cool mechanic who wore leather jackets and walked and acted like he was the king of the world. What could he possibly see in Cas?

And to think that Cas had become so loyal so fast, had thrown himself in front of a baseball bat that could possibly kill him without batting an eye, only for Dean to break it off 3 days later. The Winchester had probably thought it was a idiotic move, that he was really clingy or something. 

He sighed, reaching for a book on his shelf at random- yes, it was 1:00, but he wasn’t going to be able to sleep anyway-and opened to the first page. 

Of course, it was _The Joys of Gay Sex._ It had to be. 

God had probably thought it would be funny for Cas to reach for that one specific book out of the hundreds he had. He was probably laughing his butt off in heaven right now. 

Feeling a new burst of rage bubbling up, Cas slammed the book down on the floor, startling Shiba. She awoke with a hiss. Groaning dramatically, he walked and grabbed _To Kill a Mockingbird_ off his shelf, collapsing on his bed. He heard his cat drink a little bit of water, and tentatively walk around the room a little. She was getting more and more familiar every minute, and Mr. Milton had told Cas that she had already explored the whole house twice when Cas was in college or with Dean. Shiba was a real friendly cat, and although it usually took one or two weeks for a cat to even look at a new owner in the eye, Cas suspected she’d interact and play with him within the end of the week. 

He returned to the book, his mind wandering anyway. 

What had Cas done to make Dean realize that he didn't want him as a friend tonight? He had taken him out for dinner, had gotten his younger brother an interview for a full ride scholarship, for God’s sake. Was it something he’d said?

_Oh God, I pushed him into the kiss didn’t I?_

Truth be told, when Dean had kissed him, yes, he was surprised, but he had… _wanted it._ He hated admitting this, but he had wanted to kiss him back and then one day they could run in a field towards each other in slow motion with Cas wearing a brown suede vest and Dean-

_Woah, I need to calm down._

And he had made that feeling clear when he asked Dean if it was a mistake, right? But of course, he’d screwed it up like always, when he’d kept on asking over and over again. Dean had been quiet that time, looking down at his hands for some reason. He had been obviously thinking about how this whole friendship thing was a blunder, and Cas had just pushed him over the edge by doing that. 

Maybe he should just forget about this whole Dean thing. It hadn't even been a week, and Cas was already getting clingy. This was a clean sign from the universe that getting  _way_ too attached to people was a serious mistake.

He opened to the first page of one of his favorite books and started reading:

_When he was nearly thirteen, my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow. When it healed, and Jem’s fears of never being able to play football were assuaged, he was seldom self conscious about his injury. His left arm was somewhat sorter than his right; when he stood or walked, the back of his-_

**_Thump!_ **

Startled, Cas looked up in surprise, his eyes wide with alarm. There had been a sharp sound from the outside wall beneath his window that sounded like someone had literally smashed their head into something, and he stood up cautiously. Glancing at his watch and realizing it was 1:15 AM, Cas’s imagination ran feral with the possibilities of what the sound might entail while his heart pounded wildly in his throat. 

_It’s Hannibal Lector isn’t it?_

_What if Jack the Ripper rose from his grave and decided to hunt down every person in the world with weird names?_

_Or maybe it’s Gandalf asking me if I want to go on an adventure with him and 13 dwarves because they need to reclaim the mountain full of gold that they lost to a Smaug, the dangerous dragon with a really nice voice?!_

_Okay, that last one is actually what I’ve been dreaming of ever since I read that book when I was 9, so that’s the best case scenario over here._

The rational side in him suggested that it was just the wind or a small animal, but you could only indulge in fictional worlds so much before your imagination got a little out of hand. 

Cas quickly glanced over at Shiba, who was sleeping soundly in her little corner, and grabbed his hardcover version of _To Kill a Mockingbird_ in both hands as a defensive weapon to smack his own little Bob Ewell if needed. 

There was a faint grunt from below, and with a jolt, Cas remembered the tree in their front yard whose branch extended to just below his window. Someone must’ve been trying to climb the tree to get inside through the window, seeing that the front and back door had a very tricky security system. 

Cas realized with his heart in his throat that the burglar would probably have to be a skilled climber and overall very fit in order to climb the tree, and a small hardcover book wouldn't be a good enough defensive weapon for anyone, let alone an athlete. However, the intruder was getting closer every second that Cas hesitated and didn't do anything, and he didn't have time to run down to the kitchen and get a knife or any kind of weapon anyway.

Wishing for a moment that he was a gun junkie and had 13 guns hidden in his drawers instead of hundreds of books in his room, Cas yanked the window open and looked down, ready to start hitting. He stifled a gasp, watching in horror as ten fingers appeared on the windowsill, and he was just about to slam the window down on those fingers when a head appeared between them. Bright green eyes stared up at him as the only thing keeping up the intruder from hanging on were his rough practiced fingers dangling from the windowsill. His face was red from excursion, but Dean smiled sweetly up at him nonetheless, breathing hard.

Cas swore for the first time in forever.

“Damnit Dean!”

**************

“It’s 1 in the morning! What are you doing?”

Dean gave no answer. It was actually probably because he couldn’t  stop sneezing. Hunched over, his thunderous explosions were colossal and Cas picked up Shiba, sighing as he forced an angry cat into his closet. He closed the door quickly and flicked on the switch so Shiba wouldn't be completely in the dark. Cas crossed his arms, wincing as he listened to his cat hiss reverently at the door, scratching it. Dean stopped sneezing.

_This is probably going to make me lose points in the owner department._

Hearing Shiba’s pathetic angry protests from the closet, Dean gave Cas an apologetic smile. With a shrug, he rubbed at his nose, joking that “at least when Shiba comes out of the closet you’ll support her, seeing as your soulmate is a guy.”

With a _humph,_ Caswalked over to his bed and sat down on its edge, his legs dangling over the edge but not quite touching the ground. He wasn't mad at Dean but annoyed, that he actually climbed through his window at 1:15 in the morning to talk to Cas after breaking it off not a few hours ago. Dean finished making sure his nose wasn’t going to fall off, and strolled over to sit down next to Cas,tapping his fingers on his knee. His feet touched the ground, which for some reason irritated Cas even more. 

“Hey,” he said with a chuckle when the thought occurred to him, “how did the intruder get inside the Milton house?”

When Cas refused to answer, Dean answered, “In-tru-da- window!”

Cas clenched his jaw, staring ahead with his game winning poker face.

His very presence seemed to buzz around the Milton like a fly he couldn't swat. Every word he hadn't said yet, every slight movement, and breath Dean performed seemed to infuriate Cas to no end. 

“Why are you here?”

Cas saw Dean’s face soften quickly out of the corner of his eye. The Winchester shyly fiddled with the sheets on his bed before speaking, his voice a coarse whisper, a huge contrast between this and the joking tone he had on before.

“I wanted to talk.”

Cas was slightly taken aback. Talk? What could he possibly need to say? _Oh hey Cas, I know I said I didn't want to be friends with you, but did you catch the game last night? Real nail biter, huh?_

He decided to play it safe.

“It couldn't wait?”

Chuckling slightly, Dean shrugged and lifted his legs up to sit criss cross. He turned his whole body around to look at Cas directly, and Cas, annoyed, refused to turn his head to make eye contact. He stubbornly faced the wall in front of him, staring at nothing while Dean stared at him, waiting.

The mechanic was whispering now. “Hey, look at me.”

Cas just stared at the wall, absently thinking about nothing in particular.

_One day I should properly organize my books by genre. Or I could do them in alphabetical order, but-_

He felt a hand as light as a feather on his wrist, interrupting him from his thoughts when sparks ignited in the pit of his stomach the way they always did when Dean touched him.

Cas could barely hear the Winchester because his voice was just below a whisper, a faint sliver. It cracked when he spoke.

“Cas, please.”

That did it. He span his body around, crossing his legs in an imitation of Dean so he could look at the person sitting next to him properly. 

Dean looked like he hadn't slept for 10 years, which was weird, because Cas had just seen him a few hours ago looking happy and cheerful and fresh. It was like their little incident had aged the Winchester by 20 years and he was a 42 year old man worrying about taxes. He looked beyond worried, and his once bright green eyes were dimmed, as full of life as a mannequin. 

“I didn't mean it.”

Cas’s heart nearly stopped in his chest.

“What?!”

“It just sli-“

“Dean Winchester. You come into my room at,” Cas paused to check his watch,”1:17 in the morning, to tell me that what you said a few hours ago was false?!”

“I know you’re mad, but-“

“I’m not mad!”

Dean shuffled silently, probably waiting for Cas to calm down. For some reason Cas _did_ feel angry, no, red hot rage towards the Winchester, even though he had just been mildly irritated only because Dean came into his window at 1 a few seconds ago. He had told himself that it wasn’t Dean’s fault, but himself’s, but now looking at Dean’s face changed his way of thinking. 

No, no, no, no, it _was_ Dean’s fault. How could he not have seen it before? So what if he was a cool mechanic with a leather jacket? _He_ had called the night they met and asked to be friends, _he_ had given him a freaking cat, _he_ had led him into thinking they were good friends. He had done everything. He had initiated it from the start. If Dean hadn't called that night and said that they could try to be friends, none of this would've happened. 

 _So no,_ Cas realized, _it’s not my fault at all. It’s his._

And when that thought struck him, Cas was furious. 

Hot tears leaped to his eyes as Cas realized how hurt he truly was. “I can’t believe you said that. What did _I_ do?! _You_ kissed _me_!”

“And then you go off saying that,” Cas put on his best imitation of a whiny five year old as he continued,” ‘oh Caaaas, I’m sorry, I don’t want to be friends anymore.’ ” 

Breathing heavily, he glared daggers at a surprised Dean. Actually, Dean was right to be surprised, he himself was quite surprised. Cas had never been angry to the point where he started yelling and imitating people. It was very new, and that made him even more angrier. 

_This little bastard is the only person who has the power make me enraged like this._

Great, now he was cursing.

Cas never cursed.

The 19 year old yelled his next sentence with his fists clenched. 

“And then you climb into my window to apologize for your mistakes?! Sorry Dean, it’s gonna take a lot more than that.”

“Listen, I know-“

“Castiel?”

There was a feminine voice coming from the door, and both boys whipped around to see a tired Anna in a messy bun and pajamas standing in the doorway, looking confused as all out. Cas watched as her eyes went from him to Dean, and she furrowed her eyebrows.

“Is everything okay?” She glanced suspiciously at Dean in her _if you’re hurting my brother I will beat you up_ look. “I heard yelling and-“

Dean shook his head slightly, smiling softly. “Everything’s alright, Anna. Don’t worry.” Looking at Dean, Cas was beginning to think he had a soft spot for the redhead. His face was relaxed and sweet, but then again, who didn't have a soft spot for Anna? She was lovable and amazing. 

Cas nodded slowly, assuring Anna, and she slowly retreated back to her room, shutting the door softly with a “Shout if you need anything.”

For some unknown reason, Anna’s worry made Cas realize that he was being slightly dramatic, and needed to calm down. He sat back down on the bed and unclenched his fists. There was a heavy silence in the room.

“Just…hear me out, ok?”

Cas nodded tentatively, and started chewing at his nails as he listened.

“I was scared alright? I was beyond…terrified that I kissed you and I’ve always thought that I wasn’t good enough for you because I’m a lowly high school dropout who works at a garage and you’re gonna be a surgeon when you get older. A goddamn surgeon, Cas! You’re gonna be saving lives! And so I pushed you away because I was scared of getting hurt and I was scared of you getting hurt and I just-“

“You thought you weren’t good enough?!”

It was Dean’s turn to stare at the wall now, and Cas pretending not to notice his eyes watering. 

“Yeah.”

Cas shook his head, surprised. It was funny how they both were so different, but so alike. 

“I thought I wasn't good enough.”

Dean whipped his head around in shock, “Wha?”

Shrugging, Cas produced a small smile as he realized how stupid they both were. 

“Well you’re all cool and I’m boring so…” 

He glanced at Dean, whose face was lit up with an amused smile similar to Cas’s. The mood in the air changed dramatically. 

Dean shook his head, and emitted a single laugh, which turned into full blown laughter. His laughter was like ripples in a still pond after a stone had been thrown in. It radiated outwards to Cas, who had been silently watching with a reluctant grin. Now he too began to titter and soon ripples of laughter between the both of them became great waves of hilarity.Soon they were clenched over, laughing together uproariously and heartily. It felt normal, as if they were once again cracking up over the _Joys of Gay Sex_ again, or about Cas’s ukelele troubles when he was 12. 

When they settled down, Dean fell back on the bed, and Cas followed suit, his head hitting the cool sheets. They stared up at the ceiling for a few silent minutes, each person lost in their own thoughts.

“So we cool?”

Cas hummed in agreement, not wanting to break the silence further. He liked the quite, it was nice and peaceful. 

His eyes drooped a little, and it was nice and warm, and Dean was breathing faintly next to him, and…

A thought occurred to Cas that was important enough for him to force himself to speak and keep his eyes open. 

“Wait, Dean…?”

It took a few seconds for the Winchester to speak. He lay there on his back, staring at the ceiling sleepily.  

“Hmmm?”

“Why did you decide to come now and not later on?”

Dean turned on his side to face Cas, who was also lying down on the bed on his side so he could look at his friend. 

“I felt really guilty, and,” he paused as a big yawn rippled out of him, “I couldn't sleep cause I kept thinking about it. So I thought, ‘What the hell’, yanno?”

Cas’s voice was as slow and thick as molasses when he replied, his fatigue changing his voice. “Yeah, I know…”

There was silence once more as Cas rolled on his back and closed his eyes, about to drift off. He listened as Dean turned to lay on his stomach, his arms splayed in random directions. One more thought occurred to him. 

“Hey Dean?” he whispered, his voice raspy.

“Yeah?” the Winchester croaked back.

“Tell me the truth. That kiss…did you want it?”

Dean didn't say anything for a long time. 5 minutes dragged by and Cas assumed that Dean had fallen asleep. He was breathing steadily, and although his head was buried in the sheets, Cas knew his eyes were closed and his face relaxed. 5 more minutes ticked by until the Milton was absolutely sure that Dean was asleep and turned so his back was facing the mechanic in an effort to get into a more comfortable sleeping position. He jumped when Dean replied, he had gone so long without saying anything that Cas had been certain he wasn't awake. 

His reply was uttered in a whisper, his voice raw and honest. 

“Yeah.”

Cas smiled, too tired to react properly. He felt Dean drift into a silent slumber beside him. As Cas’s consciousness ebbed, his mind went into free fell, swirling with the beautiful chaos of a new dream. 

They slept.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Next chapter is like pure fluff and cuteness I promise. I've already wrote it so it's going to updated on the 16th because I still have to edit.
> 
> Alright so I've already planned out the climax of the whole fic and the ending and it's goING TO BE SO SO SO CUTE AND EVEN THOUGH THE ENDING IS A LONG WAYS AWAY CAUSE THEY JUST GOT TOGETHER IM SO EXCITED FOR YALL TO READ IT AND YALL WILL LOVE IT SO STICK AROUND.
> 
> Ok anywhore, please please comment and review, they're incredibly amazing to get, even if it's just one word or whatever.
> 
> Meet me on tumblr [here](http://superwholockbetrippin.tumblr.com) if you have any comments, reviews, or suggestions you want to be kept private.


	12. January 27th, 6:56:29 PM

The faint sound of lightsabers came from the television. The fan on the ceiling twirled, making a faint absent swishing noise. The oldest Winchester heard Sam in his room cough and made a note to himself to one day get an apartment with thicker walls.

Sam was told he was going to get the results of his scholarship interview in email today at 7 sharp, so Cas had come over as soon as his classes had ended at 4:00 for moral support. He _was_ the one who had gotten Sam the interview, and the Winchesters greatly enjoyed his company, so no one complained. 

The future lawyer was in his room, probably refreshing his email over and over again in anxiety; Cas had been studying especially hard for a Biology test that he had just taken today, so he was tired and was asleep, his head slumping on his soulmate’s shoulder. The poor guy had been fretting over it every waking moment, and since it was Friday and he had just taken it, he deserved a break. All was quite, and Dean stared at the screen at Princess Leah in her slave costume on the small screen, his heart pounding wildly in anticipation. 

_What if Sam doesn’t get the scholarship?_

_How will he go to college then?_

When Dean had voiced those concerns to Cas, the Milton had told him that they would cross that bridge when they got to it, and besides, he had added, there was only one person up against Sam for the scholarship, so if Sam was as good as his grades and awards suggested, he’d be fine. 

Dean still worried like hell. He knew that if his little brother didn't make it, they wouldn't have time to make even a fraction of the money needed. This was literally their last hope, and if it was gone…he didn't know what they would do. 

The Winchester made himself paranoid by sitting there with his thumbs up his ass, and was just about to get up and join his brother in constantly refreshing his email when Sam came out of his room carrying a fake microphone that he had used when he had his magician phase at 10. His face was completely blank, devoid of any emotion. Dean’s heart dropped into his stomach.

Sam dropped his emotionless brown eyes to look at Dean’s terrified green ones.

_Shit_

_Shit on a stick_

_Damn it_

_We’re so fu-_

Sam dramatically raised the microphone to his mouth and his face erupted into a huge grin.

“GUESS WHO JUST GOT A FULL RIDE SCHOLARSHIP TO BRIGGS UNIVERSITY BITCHESSSSSSS!!!”

The youngest Winchester dropped the microphone and raised his arms above his head like people did on TV when they made a good point or some shit, and Cas jerked awake, snorting as Sam laughed, throwing his head back.The Milton sighed, extremely tired and not really realizing what was happening, and just rested his head back on Dean’s shoulder and closed his eyes. 

The older Winchester’s reaction was very delayed, because he was still processing the information, not quite believing what this really meant.

_Sammy’s going to college and we didn't pay shit_

_Sammy’s going to college and we didn't pay shit_

_Sammy’s goiNG TO COLLEGE AND WE DIDN’T PAY SHIT_

Dean screamed. 

Loud. 

So loud that he knew that his voice was going to hurt later on, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. 

He shot up from the couch, forgetting that he had a tired 19 year old med student resting on his shoulder. Dean saw Cas out of the corner of his eye jerk up again and look around, confused and still trying to figure out what was happening as he watched the Winchesters whoop and hug tightly. Dean was feeling absolutely on top of the world, pretty damn ecstatic. He felt as if all the happiness in the world had been shoved inside of him, and he looked his little brother in the eye, with tears clouding his vision, “I’m proud of you, Sammy. I’m proud of _us_.” 

Cas laughed loudly when he probably realized through his sleep fogged up mind what was going on, and got up excitedly to embrace Sam. The mechanic stepped back to watch his soulmate and his brother hug tightly for a long time, swaying slightly and laughing. Dean felt like he was on a sugar high that would never go down, his heart racing fast. 

As he hastily wiped the tears in his eyes away, he looked on as Cas congratulated Sam in every single way there was to congratulate someone, and suddenly realized that this entire thing wouldn't be possible without Cas. He felt an overwhelming love for his soulmate at that moment and when Cas stepped back to stand next to him, Dean did something without thinking, an impulsive decision in the heat of the moment.

He kissed Cas. 

Immediately, Dean immediately realized what he had done. 

_This is our first kiss since my birthday in the car._

It was weird, but true. When they had woken up on the same bed the day after, the soul mates hadn't had the talk or whatever that shit was called, because they both had places to be. Cas had to run to college, and Dean had to get back into his apartment quickly so Sam didn't have a heart attack when he found his older brother’s bed empty with no sign of where he was. Whenever they had seen each other afterwards, neither of them said a word about what Dean had said about wanting Cas as a…soulmate, and Cas basically admitting he did too. Although, they both did things neither of them would've dared to do if they didn't have the knowledge that they both wanted each other. Haste kisses on the cheek, jokes that were a tad too flirty, and looks and hugs that were a little too lingering to be platonic. 

So when Dean suddenly kissed Cas, it was a bit of a surprise, because none of them had crossed that boundary since that night. It was rushed and sloppy and only lasted for one second, but it was kinda nice nevertheless. 

Dean pulled back just slightly, their noses centimeters apart, and looked down at their shoes, letting out a single nervous laugh. He felt Cas stare at him, and could see him smiling slightly, but was too scared to look up; as well as too stubborn to pull back his arm that was wrapped around half of the Milton’s waist.  

The fair haired mechanic heard his brother chuckle softly behind him, and Sam walked to his room and gently shut the door, probably to call Jess and give her the news while also giving them privacy. 

Cas lifted one arm up and played with the button on Dean’s plaid button-down. The Winchester looked up shyly, uncertain, and as soon as Dean did so much as lift his head an inch, the dark haired boy grinned at him and leaned in.

This one was a proper kiss, soft and slow. Cas tasted like November, like hot chocolate on stormy evenings and crisp autumn air. It was amazing and beautiful and so wonderful that if Dean tried to recount the sensation later on, he wouldn't be able to. No description  could ever do justice. 

Cas pulled away after a long time, gasping for air. The Winchester took the cue and dropped his arms from around Cas, and stepped back, smiling breathlessly. 

Cas laughed, telling Dean as he attempted to smooth down his always unkempt (that was even more messy after Dean had ran his hands through it) that, “We should go out to eat to celebrate.”

Scrunching up his nose, the mechanic shook his head in disapproval as he walked past Cas into the kitchen, He heard Sam emerge from his bedroom and announced to the two younger boys that he was going to make a dinner that was damn better than any half assed restaurant. 

Rolling his eyes, Sam pointed out, “Dean, you burnt our breakfast _this morning_.”

“You can’t live in the past, Sammy.”

He knew that he was a pretty shitty cook, but felt as if that both Cas and Sam had worked hard to get the full ride scholarship for Sam, while Dean had done nothing; he wanted to contribute in some way, even if it was just cooking dinner for the celebration. As he pulled the frozen lasagna out of the freezer, Dean smiled to himself. 

_All you do is pop this shit in the oven. There’s no way I can mess this up._

 

**************

 

Dean would deny it later in the future, but he actually did mess up the lasagna pretty bad; it was burned to the core. Sam had given him his _I told you so_ face as the mechanic pulled the lasagna out of the steaming oven, coughing. 

Sam suggested they just abandon the lasagna and go out, but the dark haired med student refused, saying that Dean had worked hard on the lasagna. Dean had a feeling that Cas kinda understood why he had wanted to make dinner in the first place. Besides, Cas had added, how bad could it really be?

The answer was _very bad._

However, when they sat down to eat, Cas made appreciative sounds that sounded incredibly pornographic with every bite to spare his feelings. Sam watched Cas with a grin that reached his eyes as the 19 year old embarrassed himself by loudly repeating “mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” over and over again.

When Sam retired to his bed, Cas was just about to leave when Dean stopped him. Embarrassed, he walked over to where his friend, no, his soulmate, was standing and awkwardly took his right hand, holding on to his wrist.

_Ugh, I’m really shitty at all this feeling chick flick crap._

Cas smiled encouragingly when he saw how nervous Dean was, and intertwined their fingers together. He nodded, gesturing him to say what he wanted to say. Dean brushed his thumb softly over Cas’s, and sputtered, looking down. 

“Um,” Dean mumbled, his voice low.

_Damnit, just say it!_

“Thanks for…” he paused, looking for all the right word. 

_I’m an emotionally constipated idiot._

Cas saved him for explaining, nodding understandingly. “I know.”

Dean felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of him, and he let out a long relieved sigh. He ducked his head even more, and stepped back, feeling a little awkward. Cas stood there for a moment, as if deciding to do something, then brushed a quick kiss to Dean’s forehead.

The Winchester felt fireworks explode inside him, everywhere, exploding and giving Dean an amazing giddy feeling. Heat crawled onto his face, and Dean realized he was blushing. 

_Damnit_

_I’m not blushing, hell no_

_I don’t blush_

_I am a manly macho man who does manly macho man things like fix cars and shave and-_

“HOLY SHIT IS THAT A COCKROACH?!?!”

Dean could handle anything, from driving his brother on his bicycle when he was 9 to the ER because Sam had cracked his head open since he thought he was Batman and could fly, to having a huge ass piece of glass wedged inside the weak spot of his right knee. 

There was one thing that the mechanic did _not_ do at all, though, and those were cockroaches.

Dean waited in the other room while Cas took the cockroach outside.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you liked it! Next chapter is being updated on the 19th of August.
> 
> Well, please please comment, I love to hear what you guys think, and it makes me feel hella rad too. :)
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, or suggestion you want kept in private, (or you can follow me on there too I would also love that) meet me on tumblr here
> 
> Make sure to let me know you want it kept private though :)


	13. February 1st, 5:32:17 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a chapter where I wrote two chapters and then thought, “Oh what the hell, I’ll be nice” and mushed them together. 
> 
> So ya and don’t forget to party with me on It’s [tumblr](http://superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com)
> 
> Oh and disclaimer: I know absolutely nothing about wine, since I’ve never had it before and it’ll be a while since I can, so I’m just going off what the internet told me. Apologies in advance if you're like a huge wine expert or something and get really passionate about it.

Cas threw his pen across the room in frustration, grumbling when he saw it hit the edge of one of his bookshelves.

“Maybe I should become a runner or some kinds of sports star, instead.”

He watched Dean- who was sitting on Cas’s bed, reading a cars magazine- look up and scoff. 

“No, really!” Cas glared down at his notes, which were spread out before him on his desk. His laptop was shoved to one side, and he had to crane his neck to read the information on that as he studied. “They make _tons_ of money, and they don't have to study.”

“You have asthma, you moron. You can’t run up the stairs without wheezing.”

Cas fumed to himself silently before turning back to his notes. 

“What if I became a stripper?”

Dean laughed loudly, snorting. 

“Stop laughing at me Dean!” he swiveled around in his chair to glare at his soulmate properly.

The Winchester finally settled down and gave him his signature smirk. 

“You’re not gonna be stripper, Cas.”

“I can do whatever I want!” 

“Exactly, and I know you well enough to know that you don’t want to stripper. You want to be a surgeon. And in order to do that, you’re gonna need to study.”

“I’d think you were the last person to tell me something like that.”

Dean shrugged. “Just don't want you to wake up in 10 years and realize that you could’ve been a heart surgeon but chose to pull your clothes off for other people instead.”

Cas sighed, turning back to his notes. All was quiet for a few moments, that is, until Cas got down to studying for his dreaded physics class. He made a annoyed grunt in the back of throat, watching as Dean smiled at him with his eyes still on the magazine. 

“Why in the _world,”_ Cas started complaining, getting worked up and ignoring Dean huffing at him, “am I required to take a physics class for medical school?! What does velocity have anything to do with the insides of a human body? ‘Oh sorry sir, I cannot perform your lifesaving heart surgery because I have seemed to forgotten the equation for force.’ What even-“

“It’s mass times acceleration. Even _I_ know that.”

The Milton paused to give him a bitchface that he had learned from spending too much time around Sam. “Wow Dean, you’re _sooo_ good! I bet you won’t even need to study, you can just walk right in the hospital right now and start performing surgeries!" 

Dean rolled his eyes and decided not to retort back like usual, probably because he knew Cas would get even more worked up. He ignored the dark haired boy and stuck his nose back in his magazine. Cas continued nonetheless.

“And don’t even get me started on the requirement for English class. Don’t get me wrong, I always loved English class, but I’m not going to have to recite Shakespeare’s 12th sonnet while I’m in the process of removing a vital organ!” he took a shaky breath, getting more worked up as he went on. “And then of course there’s the requirement of-”

“Cas.”

“-a Calculus class! Why do I need to stuff my head with derivatives and integrals of functions when I should be-”

“Cas.”

“-worrying about learning the anatomy of a heart! Then there’s also the stupid requisite-”

“Cas!”

“What?!”

Dean sat up properly, putting his magazine to the side. “Calm down.”

“Calm down?!” The 19 year old was erratic as he glared daggers at his soulmate. “Excuse me, but you’re not the one-”

“I know, I know!” Dean put his hands up in a gesture of surrender. “You’ve just been so tense lately and you’re starting to worry me.”

Cas sighed for the fifteenth thousandth time in that hour, putting his face in his hands. Dean was right, he was constantly studying whenever he wasn't in the classes that taught the things that he was studying. He even ate his meals with his notes and material spread out in front of him. Cas didn't sleep much either, and even when he was just hanging out with Dean, which was a lot of times, he was constantly reviewing through material in his head. Cas looked and felt horrible, and he wasn't even in medical school yet. 

He supposed it was because back when he was in high school and younger, he hadn't really needed to study to get outstanding grades, so he never did. But now he had to, and he didn't really know _how_ to study. The first month Cas had realized he would have to actually sit down and study, he spent most of the time staring at his notes and praying that the information would somehow stick in his mind. That was in the beginning of his freshman year of college, and he was a sophomore now, but he still had trouble. 

He heard Dean get up and scoot towards him, then felt a gentle nudge on his shoulder. Looking up, Cas saw his soulmate on all fours on the edge of the bed, about 2 inches from where the Milton was sitting. Dean was so close that Cas could count every freckle on his face, and noticed the specks of gold in Dean’s eyes that he hadn't been close enough to see before. The Winchester smiled softly at him, and held out a hand. Hesitating, Cas looked down at his notes all spread out in front of him, until Dean murmured in his ear, “Come on, just a little break. You deserve it.” 

Cas couldn't say no to that, and gave in, taking Dean’s hand and climbing into his bed with him. They lay side by side for a few silent minutes, staring at the ceiling like they had a few days ago, when Dean had broke into his window to apologize. 

The silence was shattered when Dean said something that had probably been on his mind for a while.

“If I wasn't so deadly allergic to cats I bet Shiba would adore me.”

Cas smiled and stretched his arms over his head, making a content noise when his joints popped. 

Shiba was in Anna’s room; Cas had gotten the habit of putting her in there whenever Dean came over, which was quite often. In fact, Dean was over a lot and Shiba had been forced to retreat from Cas’s room so often that the Milton was getting a bit worried what the cat thought of him, what with him making her leave practically all the time. His worries were always shot down though, because whenever Dean left she would hop in his lap and rub affectionately all over him.  

“It’s sad that you are,” the Milton commented, “it would be great if you could actually interact with the present you got me. Besides, cats are _amazing_.”

Dean chuckled and turned to the side to look at his soulmate, keeping himself up with one elbow. “I know, you practically get a hard-on whenever you talk about them.”

Cas snorted and got up from his bed to walk over to his bookshelf on the far right, trailing his fingers over the spines absentmindedly. He hummed a tune softly, not really looking at the titles but just doing it because he found it comforting to be around books. 

Looking at the Milton’s dreamy look, Dean added, “You also get a hard-on around books, which is all the time so-“

Dean was cut off by Cas taking a hardcover book and chucking it behind him, where Dean sat on the edge of his bed. The Milton heard a sharp laugh, and turned around to see Dean holding the book with his right hand, having caught it easily. Cas wasn’t surprised- it had been a pathetic throw- and watched his soulmate flip through the pages. He turned back to resume what he had been doing before, uninterested. 

Minutes ticked by, the only sound being breathing, and Cas began to organize his books by alphabetical order (something he should've done a long time ago). He was barely getting started on the ABs when a thought occurred to him that was important enough for him to stop doing his much needed chore and turn around to look at Dean.

“Hey Dean?”

“Hmmm?”

“We need to talk.”

Dean’s face grow sober and serious, and he looked up, worried.

 “There’s only two reasons someone says that when they’re soul mates, and that’s if the person’s pregnant, or breaking up with them. And I’m assuming you’re not pregnant.”

“What? No! I’m not breaking up with you.”

“So you’re pregnant?” 

“Dean!”

“Ok, ok.” The Winchester smirked, holding his hands up in surrender. “What do we need need to talk about?” 

Cas paused, considering how he was going to word his thoughts. He knew that this was a touchy subject for Dean, and although they had shared quite a few kisses and physicalmoments (but not in _that_ way, and Cas shuddered to think of the sheer awkwardness that would entail from something like that) since the night Sam had gotten his scholarship, he could tell his soulmate was still very reluctant.

You know that,” Cas walked a few steps towards his soulmate, his mouth dry, “that you don't have to be…scared. It’s okay to loosen up.”

Dean raised him eyebrows, quickly becoming defensive in an instant. “I’m not frigging scared of anything.”

Arching an eyebrow, Cas shot back, “Must we talk about the night you screamed like a little girl and ran into the other room, making me take the roach outside?

“Ok, that’s different, I-“

“Never mind that. I’m talking about something much more important. I’m talking about,” Cas paused to gesture to himself, then Dean, “us.”

Dean frowned and furrowed his eyebrows, and Cas watched as his soulmate struggled with the point he was trying to get across. 

“You think I’m scared of _you_?”

“No! No, no, no. I know that you’re scared of relationships in general, so I understand, but you don't have to be so terrified of voicing your feelings. I don’t expect you to speak your emotions like some romantic comedy, but when you feel like you need or want to, you can. You don’t have to be so incredibly, well,” Cas paused as he tried to think of the right word for Dean’s reluctance to speak about his sentiment. 

“Emotionally constipated?”

The Milton nodded aggressively, marveling at how odd the phrase was, yet it perfectly matched the situation. 

Shrugging, Dean looked down at his feet, tapping his fingers on his knees rhythmically. He sighed. 

“Ya I know, man. I’m just not used to this. I’ll try and get better at it.” 

He looked up, staring at the bookshelf on the other wall with his big green eyes. His face was turning a bit red, which for some reason Cas found slightly…adorable. 

“Yes, and one more thing,” Cas continued, “we need to label what we have here.”

Dean blinked and frowned. 

“We’re soul mates.”

“Yes, of course, according to the DST. That’s the technical term, but we need to define what we are _without_ the technical terms.”

There was an awkward silence as they both stared at each other, daring the other to speak. No one did for a long time, and silence stretched out. 

Surprisingly, Dean was the first to talk. 

“Cas, will you be my boyfriend?”

He was taken aback by the very bluntness of the thing, by the words that were hanging in the air staring at him right in the face. The Winchester’s face was calm without a speck of nervousness in it, and was looking at Cas, unblinking and expecting. He was acting as if he had just asked Cas his favorite type of color or some simple question, and raised his eyebrows when the Milton didn't answer right away.

“Well? Do you want me to get down on one knee or something?”

Cas didn't reply, still shocked.

_Boyfriend._

It was a strange foreign word, something that Cas had never thought he would have. After all, if you had told Cas a month ago that his soulmate was a man who wore leather jackets and cursed every other sentence, he would've laughed at you and judged you silently. But now, that’s what Dean was wasn’t he? The kisses, flirting, doing things for each other that no one else would really do (aka giving someone a cat when you were severely allergic, or giving a person’s little brother scholarship interviews), was way outside the boundaries of friends.

So why not just accept it?

Cas smiled, feeling giddy for some reason, and said the four tiny words that changed the course of their whole relationship.

“I would love to.”

Dean’s face broke into a huge grin, truly happy. His eyes shone bright, and Cas was struck by how _beautiful,_ how pulchritudinous, he was. His face probably fit the Golden Number, an idea being something that Cas had once toyed around with, thinking that people who truly fit that scale would probably look unnatural and a bit scary. But no, Dean looked anything but. His fair skin was dotted with a splash of oh so beautiful freckles across his chiseled face. His cheekbones were sharp but not too sharp. He had the longest eyelashes, something that Cas was made very much aware of every time he blinked. And his eyes…!

His eyes were green, true, but they were so much more than that.They were the kind of green that pushed its way throughout the piles of gritty snow to remind you that spring was coming. The kind of green that budded on the prisoners of winter, bringing life back to their branches. That churning, passionate green that the ocean turns during a storm. That color of the forest after it rains. The color of the tadpoles making ripples in the pond. That green color that brings hope and life no matter what happened. And looking into those eyes, Cas could see it; what they were and could be. And he knew that Dean could see it too. 

Dean broke eye contact after a few moments, and looked down at his hands shyly. Cas could feel himself blushing, and to make sure that his…boyfriend (he was going to have get used to that term) didn't see, turned around and continued the very long process of organizing his books in alphabetical order, pulling out books and shifting them as he muttered to himself about authors and genres. 

_So after I do it alphabetical order by author, I should split the books into genres as well._

_Or should just do it in by genre now and then alphabetical order after to save time?_

_Should I even do genre?_

_This is really hard._

His mind buzzing with overload on organizing his hundred of books that were a joy to have but not a joy to maintain, Cas set to work again until 10 minutes later he heard Dean stop turning the magazine pages, probably looking up at him. He couldn't tell, because he had his back turned and was too caught up in his thoughts to turn around. 

“What are you even doing?”

Sighing because _god this was stressful,_ Cas gave in and turned around anyway to look at Dean sitting on the bed. 

“Organizing my huge collection of books. I should've done this a long time ago.”

“Dude, you were muttering to yourself under your breath like a crazy old man.”

“Well…!” Cas gestured to his whole collection of literature. “Putting these many books in alphabetical order is not easy!”

Dean scoffed, which annoyed Cas even further. 

“When I said ‘take a break’, I didn't mean do more work, ya idjit.”

“Idjit?”

Stopping like realizing what he’d just said, Dean smiled a little to himself as he got up and walked over to where Cas was sitting on the floor with practically 50 books spread around him. He sat down next to Cas, scooting a book over to make room, and scrunched his nose as he looked at all the titles around him. 

“It’s just something Bobby says a lot.”

Dean stopped and picked up a book that was to the right of him, and Cas leaned over to see it was his old tattered copy of _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone._ It had been grandma Milton’s copy, and she had given it to Cas when he was 10 after finding out how much he liked to read. The author of the book had signed it on the front page, J.K. Rowling, and the marker she had used was fading on the page and you had to squint to read it. The author and his grandma were both long dead now, but Cas loved and cherished the Harry Potter series. 

He watched as the Winchester studied the cover intently, like he had never seen a book before.

“I’ve always wanted to read this series,” he muttered to himself rather than Cas, “but I never got to. Sammy used to worship it when he was younger.”

It wasn't really a big deal, Dean not having read Harry Potter. The series was over 50 years old now, and not many kids read it anymore. People these days didn't really care much about books in general, what with all the new technology coming out every day. Nonetheless, Cas felt a pang of sadness when he heard this, realizing how much of his childhood Dean had truly missed out on. Dean deserved to do what he wanted to, even if it was something small like read a series. He deserved to be read to, to love and be loved. 

Cas took the book from Dean’s hands and took a deep breath

“Well, now you’re going to get to.”

The Milton shifted to rest his back against the wall. He gingerly opened to the front page, sitting criss cross when he felt a warm _something_ on his right knee and thigh. Lowering the book from his face, Cas smiled when he saw Dean was laying down on his lap, eyes closed and facing the ceiling. 

Maybe Dean didn't need to speak about his emotions, but acting on them, like resting his head on Cas’s lap, was enough. 

Clearing his throat, he started reading.

“Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense. Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made drills. He was…”

As Cas continued reading, the light outside faded until all you could see were millions and millions of stars, beautiful and sparkling and free. 

 

**February 14th, 5:04:12**

 

Dean made Cas question every promise he had ever made to himself. He made Cas open up when he didn't want to let anyone in. He helped him to breathe when he didn't want to anymore and he showed Cas that the world was so much bigger, so much much better that he had made it out to be.

Dean also made him feel all weird inside, and Cas didn't really know what the feeling was because he had never felt it before. It was like a mixture of giddiness matched with longing and something else that Cas couldn't really place. 

But if there was one thing that Cas was sure of, it’s that he had to keep Dean around and never let him go. 

It was Valentine’s Day, and Cas hadn't really expected his soulmate to plan much for it. He himself hadn’t planned anything, assuming that maybe they could go out for dinner that night or something. Although they had that talk about it being okay to express emotions a while ago, neither of them were really the type to call each other pet names or express their sentiment for each other all the time. And, they supposed, that was ok. As long as what they had was just there, just was. 

So Cas was surprised when Dean told him to wait for him by his window at 5 AM, refusing to tell the Milton why because it was apparently a surprise. It was Tuesday, and Dean knew he didn't have class on Tuesdays, so Cas was still wondering why the mechanic couldn't have picked a later time; Tuesdays were usually days he slept in, and he wasn't especially happy about having to wake up at 4:30 in the morning to get ready. Even if it was to spend time with Dean. 

Suddenly, Dean crawled through the window of his room, out of breath as his feet landed on the floor. Dean could just walk in through the front door like a normal person anytime he wanted to, and was told repeatedly by Cas and- when they found out- his family, but Dean said he liked climbing in because it was “fun”. 

The 19 year old didn’t really get the logic of it, because the tree branch extended about a foot below his window, and in order to get inside, Dean had to climb the rest of the way in and flip his entire body inside. It looked physically exhausting, and the Winchester’ was always breathing heavy and red all over every time, but he still didn't want to take the easy route and just come in the door. Sometimes, Cas really didn’t understand what was going on in that brain of his, but just decided to roll with it and kept his window a crack open all the time in case Dean just spontaneously decided to hop into his room. 

He forgot all about it though, when the mechanic looked up and grinned at him, then kissed him on the cheek. Cas’s heart exploded when he did so; Dean didn't usually do this, show physical affection. It was nice though, he wasn't complaining. Just…different. 

Dean looked a bit surprised by his own actions, so Cas decided to save both of them the awkward silence and blushing. He looked down at his watch, his voice teasing.

“Four minutes annndddd twenty seconds, Dean Winchester. I could’ve been sleeping.”

He coaxed a chuckle out of Dean’s mouth, and looked up, suddenly shy. 

“So, can you tell me why I had to wake up this early and get ready by 5 on a _Tuesday_?”

All he got in reply was a “Nope! You ready?”.

Cas nodded and they both walked (down the stairs that time, because Cas told him that he wasn't going to let Dean climb out his window when his foot could easily slip on the branch in the early morning dark) to the Impala, not saying a word. 

 

*******************

 

The ride to the mystery place was roughly 45 minutes long, and Cas fell asleep within the first 5 minutes, exhausted. He was shook gently awake by Dean’s hand on his shoulder, and got out of the car to get a good look at where the heck they were. 

They were on a beach.

Cas had never been to the beach, they lived in the city and his parents had always loathed beaches (“the sand gets _everywhere_ ” they said), so Anna and him had never cared much. 

But, he thought as he shed his shoes and socks by the Impala and feeling the warm sand on his feet, this was something he had truly missed out on. It was a nice, peaceful setting; the sun hadn't rose yet and the air was cool, the sand felt good as it enloped his feet in its warm embrace. Waves crashed over the frigid winter sand, spreading its lacy foam like the edge of a petticoat. The ocean wind blew in bitter gusts, disheveling up Cas’s messy hair even more so, and the salty air lay thickly on his tongue and filled his nostrils.

It was too cold to go swimming anyway because it was February, and he watched as Dean wordlessly just reached into the backseat of the Impala and grabbed a blanket and a large green bag. They didn't say anything- it didn't seem right to- and Dean, holding the supplies in his right hand, started to walk towards the shore, holding Cas’s wrist with his left and pulling him gently with. Dean looked oddly at peace, his mouth a straight line instead of his usual smile, and with his wide green eyes that looked faded in the light staring calmly ahead at the water. It looked like all those years of tension, that stress, had fallen off his shoulders and he was once in his life, not weighed down by his past. 

_If Dean’s going to look like this every time we go here, we should go to the beach everyday._

As if reading his mind, Dean chuckled to himself and stopped about 20 yards from the water, putting the green bag on the ground and unraveling the blanket. The Milton bent down and helped him smooth the cloth, laughing when the wind kept on forcing it to fold over. Feeling a wet _something_ on his temple as the two soul mates were on all fours trying to smooth out the blanket, Cas realized that Dean had kissed him there suddenly. He turned his head to the side to avert his gaze, but the sudden redness of his face gave him away. 

Dean muttered, “Oh forget it. It’s gonna be a bitch anyway.”

Shrugging, Cas sat down on the blue blanket, staring ahead at the water as Dean did the same. 

They didn't speak for a few moments, because they didn't have to. There was nothing to say, they just knew. The only sound was the wind, and the waves crashing into the shore every so often. Cas felt at peace, and he forgot himself forgetting about the stress of his work and future; he was here, in the moment, and that was okay.

He realized that their hands were intertwined, which was weird, because he really didn't remember that happening. But hey, it wasn't a bad thing. He felt Dean give his hand a soft squeeze before pulling away, reaching for the green bag to open it. 

His curiosity was satisfied when he watched Dean pull out a bottle of wine from the bag, and Cas realized that the bag was one of those portable wine coolers. Dean popped the bottle open with a corkscrew expertly, then after taking a sip, offered the bottle to the 19 year old. 

He shook his head, and Dean frowned. Realizing that this probably cost money that the Winchesters couldn't afford to spend, Cas offered his explanation. 

“I’m 19 remember? Not legal.”

The Winchester scoffed at him in typical Dean fashion. 

“You’ll be fine. It’s just wine. Nothing happens if you drink half a bottle.”

Giving in, Cas took the bottle from his soulmate. He took a tentative sip, gagging a little when it a bitter taste flooded into his mouth. He winced as Dean chuckled beside him at his reaction. 

“Aren’t we supposed to be drinking in wine glasses or something?”

Dean shrugged, “Whatever, man. There’s no difference.”

Cas took another sip, getting a used to the taste. It was good, once you got past the bitterness of it all. It was like really strong grape juice. He took a big  gulp, acquiring to the taste and enjoying it. 

“Hey, calm down, buddy. I don’t want you to turn into an alcoholic.”

Laughing, the Milton wiped his moth with the back of his hand and handed the bottle to Dean as he fell back into the blanket. It wasn’t long enough for his height; when his head hit the blanket right on its edge, his knees and below were on the sand. The sun was about to rise, and realized that Dean had probably told him this early because he wanted to watch the sunrise with Cas. 

He felt Dean lay down beside him as well, and they both stared up at the sky in silence.

“Hey, Dean?”

“Hmm?”

“What would you be if you could be anything? Like if you weren't in your current situation right now?”

Dean didn't say anything, thinking for a moment as he turned onto his side to get a better look at his soulmate. 

“I would be an automotive engineers. Not a mechanic, but way higher than that. I mean, I would go to college and get degrees and all that shit, and that would be my career.”

Cas nodded, lost in thought.

“Also, I would get paid a lot more to play around with cars,” he added with a laugh.

The Milton hummed in agreement. “I bet you would be a great automotive engineer.”

“I bet I would, wouldn’t I?” Dean replied, and there was something sad in his tone, something longing, and it broke Cas’s heart. 

“What about you?”

“I’m already doing what I want to do.”

“Yeah, I know, don’t rub it in,” Cas started to say something in protest when Dean waved it off to show that he was joking, “but why do you want to be a heart surgeon? You’re always freaking out over your studies and stressed.”

“Well, it’s going to be worth it. I’m going to save to people’s lives. I _want_ to save people’s lives.”

“Yeah, Cas,” and Dean sounded and looked fiercely proud of him, “you will.”

They didn't say much after that, watching the sky together. The yellow shining sun started rising from the ground. It filled the sky with mighty colors of red and splashed the clouds with endless rays of pink. It was bright and mesmerizing as it inviting him to stare, deep into the horizon.

Burning through a bottle of cheap wine as they passed it back and forth, Cas fell in love in the silence. He felt the earth rocking beneath him and his mind drifting in and out like the tide. Though his vision wavered, there was one thing the 19 year old was sure of. Dean was there... he was next to him lying on top of that thin, soft blanket and the orange light from the sky poured onto his skin. In that moment, they were together, and he was so beautiful.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yay!
> 
> Please please please comment below, and the next update is on the 23rd of August :)
> 
> Reminder that it’s Misha (aka our God)’s birthday tomorrow, so make sure to do a Random Act in honor. He’s gonna be the big 4-0 now, which is really scary because I absolutely love him and well…he’s 40!!!
> 
> Golden number mask, mentioned in this chapter, is the mask thing made for people who are physically perfect, or beautiful, or something like that. Jensen, or Dean fit it perfectly. It’s really cool! It’s [here](http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4148/4969810140_d3e2916559_o.gif)
> 
> So I was having intense Twist and Shout feels while writing the second part to this, even though this is a happy chapter. If you’ve read it, you know why :P
> 
> If you have any questions, comments, or suggestion you want kept in private, (or you can follow me on there too I would also love that) meet me on [tumblr](http://superwholockbetrippin.tumblr.com)
> 
> Make sure to let me know you want it kept private though :)


	14. February 18th, 11:06 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS SO SHORT IM SORRY I LOVE U GUYS OK THE SHORTNESS BALANCES OUT THE LAST CHAPTER'S LONGNESS
> 
> Also don’t forget to party with me on [tumblr](http://superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com)

They’re lounging on Cas’s sofa in the living room of his house when he says it.

 

“What’s Grey’s Anatomy?”

 

Dean looked up from Cas’s copy of _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban,_ staring at his soulmate, who was looking at Dean, notes in hand.

 

_Seriously, that guy never takes a break from studying._

 

The mechanic furrowed his eyebrows, trying to remember. That name sounded familiar, he faintly remembered Sam making a joke about it when he found out what Cas’s occupation was going to be. 

 

“Isn’t that some shit drama doctor show?”

 

“Huh…” Cas replied, unimpressed.

 

“Yeah, yeah I remember. It’s a really old medical TV show, but it focused mainly on the doctor’s love lives or something. Why?”

 

“A few of my classmates were talking about how amazing it was today after the lecture.”

 

Dean snorted, commenting that it was really famous back then, but  a lot of people deemed it to be inaccurate. 

 

Cas shrugged and went back to looking over his notes, when another idea stuck to Dean’s mind. 

 

“Wait, Cas, do you even watch TV?”

 

The Milton looked up as if he had never even considered the possibility. 

 

“No.”

 

“What?! Why not?”

 

“TV’s a waste of time and rots your brain.”

 

Dean snorted, personally offended. “That’s not true!”

 

Cas shrugged, going back to his reading; Dean, however, had other ideas. 

 

He swiped the notes from Cas, earning a sharp “Hey!”, and tossed them aside, grabbing the remote in the process. Elbowing Cas in the side as the Milton tried to get ahold of his notes, Dean sat back and turned on the huge flatscreen TV. 

 

“I’ve made it my personal duty to get you to watch TV.”

 

The Winchester ignored a groan from his soulmate until another thought occurred to him as he was flipping through the channels.

 

“You watch movies, though, right?”

 

Dean didn't even wait for an answer, he already knew that Cas was shaking his head beside him. Getting up, he walked to the cabinet beside the TV and started going through the Milton DVD collection. A few moments passed where Dean just flipped through the cases with Cas staring intently at his back. 

 

“Dude, you have the entire collection of all Harry Potter movies ever made, and _you’ve never watched it_?!”

 

“My aunt gave them to me,” Cas replied, indifferent, “but I never watched them because I know the books are better.”

 

The mechanic scoffed, opening the case for the first movie and popping the DVD in. Getting back on the couch, Dean turned to his soulmate and squeezed his arm gently, forcing Cas to look at him.

 

“If you hate it, at least I’ll be watching so I can make sarcastic remarks about every single thing they do.”

 

Cas smiled and leaned into Dean, resting his head on the mechanic’s shoulder. It was weird; they had known each other and had started officially dating for quite a while, but Dean still felt fireworks explode in his stomach every time his soulmate smiled at him or touched him. He was still over the moon when he thought about the fact that Cas was _his._

 

They settled back as Dumbledore and his deluminator came into view on the Milton’s freaking huge TV screen.  

 

 

*******************

 

Cas’s family came from wherever the hell they were- Dean never asked Cas where they had gone when he had invited him over- at 1, just as the first movie was about to end. Anna shuffled through the front door followed by her parents, yawning and already drifting off as she walked up the stairs to her room, barely noticing her brother and Dean. Mrs. Milton smiled sleepily when she saw the boys on the couch; Dean wasn’t paying attention to the movie and he was staring up at the ceiling, thinking about nothing in particular, while Cas was awake but tired, and laying down. His trench coat serving as a pillow, Cas’s whole body was sprawled on the couch while his calves were thrown over Dean’s lap.The mechanic had no idea at what point his soulmate had gotten himself into that position, but couldn’t really find it in himself to care.

 

“Boys, it’s 1 AM,” Cas’s mom paused as a huge yawn rippled out of her. Dean turned his head to the side to look at her and watched Mr. Milton behind her wave at him and walk towards his bedroom. Dean waved back absentmindedly. 

 

“You should’ve gone to bed.”

 

Cas sighed, rubbing his eyes and looking at his watch. He stood up and stretched, yawning, and his shirt rode up just a sliver, just enough for Dean to stare at it until he realized what he was doing and look down in embarrassment. 

 

_I hope Mrs. Milton didn’t see that._

 

He turned his head to check, relaxing when he saw she was fixated on taking her earrings off, not paying attention to them at all.

 

“Dean, darling, it’s too late for you to go home. Stay the night.”

 

He hesitated, looking up at Cas, who shrugged in a _do whatever you want to do_ type of way. It was Saturday; Sam had a date with Jess and knew he was with Cas so he wouldn't worry if Dean wasn’t in bed the next morning, it was Saturday so he nor his soulmate were in an a hurry to wake up, and he really didn’t feel like driving back at this time when he was tired anyway. 

 

He accepted the offer with a gracious smile and a thank you. 

 

After all, there was no problem with him if he stayed.

 

*******************

 

Dean was very very wrong when he thought that there was no problem if he stayed. 

 

The problem was Cas. 

 

The guest bedroom, he was told by Mrs. Milton, hadn’t been used for years and was practically made of dust and bugs. It was a very dirty room and no one ever cleaned it, so he was told he was going to have to share a bed with Cas. 

 

He thought that that wasn’t a problem at first (they had fallen asleep on that same bed the night he had came in his window and apologized), but as he lay next his soulmate on the bed, he realized that that Queen sized bed wasn’t big enough for the both of them when they were trying to sleep. 

 

It was very different than before, because back then they had both fallen asleep as an accident really, neither of them had planned it. But now, the soul mates lay there awake, attempting to go to sleep while they both did things that apparently irritated the other to no end. They were both very stubborn men, and frankly, that didn't really help in the situation. 

 

Their experience didn’t go too smoothly, to say that least. 

 

“Stop elbowing me in the freaking ribs!”

 

“Well quit breathing so loud, Dean!”

 

“Jesus Christ” Dean grumbled, rolling onto his stomach, positioning his mouth right near Cas’s ear and breathing into it heavily to infuriate his soulmate more. The Milton smacked the mechanic’s tailbone with his palm, groaning and turning so his back faced his boyfriend. 

 

There was silence for a while as the two boys tried to get comfortable. Half of Dean’s body dangled over the edge, and he huffed, freezing, and reached for the blankets, only to find out they weren’t there. A quick glance behind him revealed Castiel the burrito, and he groaned. 

 

“Cas, you stole all the blankets!”

 

“Deal with it, loser.”

 

Dean would’ve laughed at his usually calm and formal speaking soulmate snapping those words at him, but he was cold and tired and cranky.

 

“Don’t be a little shit, it’s the middle of February and I’m freezing.”

 

Cas didn’t move for a moment and Dean was _this_ close to yanking them off the 19 year old, when he felt a weight and warmth on his body, and realized that Cas had rolled over and sprawled on him. 

 

“Better?” was the smug retort.

 

The Milton got a kick in the butt in reply, and he grumbled, rolling off Dean. 

 

“Shut up and gimme the blankets back.”

 

Cas dramatically threw half the blankets back on Dean, bumping hips doing so, and there was silence once more. 

 

“Dean stop poking me!”

 

“I’m not poking you.”

 

“Your toe is.”

 

This went on for quite a while. 

 

********************

 

Despite all the fuss, Dean had the best sleep he had had in…forever. He woke up with his arm dangling over the side, and his leg resting on top of his soul mate’s. Cas was still asleep, his face frowning and mouth half open. 

 

The aroma of pancakes wafted in, and Dean sniffed appreciatively. He had never woken up on a Sunday morning to find breakfast waiting for him. Cas didn't know how lucky he was. The sun shined in through the window blinds, and he could hear Shiba meow loudly in Anna’s room right next door. The Sunday morning was like the stereotypical apple pie suburban family Sunday morning, and he loved it. 

 

Yawning, the Winchester sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, withdrawing his leg in the process and accidentally kicking the 19 year old in the process. Cas jerked awake with a snort. 

 

Dean yawned once more and smiled sleepily at Cas’s grumpy face.

 

“Hey.”

 

Cas groaned, his hair sticking up ten times more than usual, and turned to look at the time. It was 9:30, and Dean grinned at his boyfriend, taking his hand. 

 

“Good morning, Cas.”

 

The reaction was a little different than he expected. Cas huffed, taking back his hand. 

 

“No.” was his only reply, and he pushed Dean off the bed. The mechanic landed on the floor with a thud. 

 

Dean found himself wondering what the hell they were going to do when they had to share a bed every night. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so like you guys don't know how incredibly busy I've been, so the next chapter is coming up next week, on the 31st of August. I'm so incredibly sorry for the wait, but my school's starting and also I have an extremely important thing for the next week that's gonna take up a lot of my time. 
> 
> Please please comment!
> 
> Also, anything you guys want out of this story or you want to happen? Lettme know and I will seriously consider all of them! Please tell me if you do.


	15. February 26th, 5:08:29 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: at the end of the first part, I leave what Dean and Cas do after Dean says the holding hand thing to imagination, but just know, that they don't do the do. I repeat, they do not do the do. This is important for later on. They have their clothes on. 
> 
> Other disclaimer: Literally the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me is that my guy best friend and I were walking and our hands accidentally brushed. I've never done any of the things Cas and Dean do in this chapter, so I'm sorry if you're like extremely experienced and find my description wrong or inaccurate; I am literally basing all my knowledge off of the millions of books and fanfics I've read.
> 
> And hey! Party on [tumblr](http://superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com)

It was an unexpected question, but Cas should’ve seen it coming. They hadn't really been much for physical intimacy, they weren't the type, but the 19 year old supposed that at some point one of them would cave in and just go at it. He hadn’t, of course, expected the ordeal to go down so…bluntly. 

 

“Do you wanna make out?” 

 

“What?!”

 

Cas opened his eyes. He was resting; his head on Dean’s lap while the Winchester read the 4th book of Harry Potter. They sat comfortably on Dean’s bed, the ceiling fan making a swish noise in the quiet afternoon. While still in Dean’s lap, the 19 year old craned his head to get a better look at Dean’s face. Cas swatted at the huge novel gently, pushing it down to glance at the green eyed man. Dean’s expression was casual, as if he had just asked if he wanted to stay over for dinner or what his favorite color was. There was a silence as the soul mates stared at each other for a moment; Cas looking up at Dean with his neck in an awkward position while Dean looked down, huffing slightly. 

 

“I said, do you wanna-“

 

“No no no,” Cas shook his head, getting up so he didn't have neck pains later on. Dean uncrossed his legs and stretched them out as Cas sat beside him on the bed, making a content noise when his joints popped. 

 

“I heard you, I was just,” he paused, searching for the right word, “surprised, that’s all. You were very blunt about it and we don’t normally…do that.”

 

Dean furrowed his eyebrows, frowning as he stared at the crack in the wall on the upper right corner of the wall in front of him. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I’m not gonna _force_ you into anything.”

 

“I never said I didn’t want to.”

 

Now it was Dean’s turn to stare in shock; looking with wide eyes at Cas’s profile. It was funny, in a way. They were acting as if what Dean had suggested and Cas had basically agreed to was something huge, and in a way, it was. Some soul mates dove straight into doing _it_ the second they met, but in this affair, neither were the type of people to really go for it. Heck, they were still barely touching each other, blushing and looking away whenever things got too close for comfort. So venturing into _these_ waters, were, in fact, a huge step into their relationship. 

 

“Um, so…?” Dean asked, his voice shaking. 

 

Cas let out a single quiet laugh, freaking out inside and nervous as hell, but he wordlessly leaned in closer anyway.

 

Lips touched and fireworks exploded. 

 

The response was immediate; Dean gasped into his mouth, running his hand through Cas’s unruly hair with one hand as another wide open palm smoothed down its way down the 19 year old’s back. Cas shuddered, gripping tightly at Dean’s leather jacket with sweaty hands. It was intoxicating; he felt as if his brain was on fire and the warmth spread throughout his entire body.

 

_Why haven't we done this before?_

 

Of course, they had kissed before lots of times, but it was always rushed haste ones that left them both feeling dazed. There was never a time where they had ones where time slowed down and they just had at it, and Cas found himself wishing that they could've done this so much sooner; he could've felt this _amazing_ feeling earlier so they could do it as much as possible. 

 

Dean smelled amazing; like the cologne he put on too much of, like the peppermints he was always eating for some reason, like citrus shampoo and soap and just the smell Cas had come to identify as _Dean._ It was Dean, all around him, taking over all his senses and that’s the only thing that Cas could think about, could feel, could smell, could hear. Dean’s hands were all over Cas, touching everywhere, adoring and beautiful, and the feeling was so overwhelming and raw that the Milton never wanted to stop. 

 

They pulled back eventually though, gasping for breath. Cas’s heart was pounding, and he could feel it pulsating throughout his body, through his skin and bones, just _everywhere._ Dean closed his eyes, still breathing heavily, and leaned his forehead against his soul mate’s. Their noses were just millimeters apart and Cas kept his eyes open to stare at Dean. 

 

No one said a word. 

 

He was in the middle of counting Dean’s endless supply of freckles slashed over his face when the mechanic huffed out a laugh and opened his eyes, cuffing Cas’s face gently. The 19 year old jumped slightly at the soft touch; he wasn’t used to this, someone looking at him and touching him like he was something precious, to be protected at all cost. 

 

“Wow,” Dean breathed out, in a loss of what to say next.

 

“Wow is correct.”

 

They continued to sit there for a while, steadying their breathing until Dean cleared his throat and detached himself from Cas. The Milton sighed in disappointment as he watched his boyfriend casually pick up the book and start reading again as if nothing had happened. This was so Dean, go through a big step in their relationship one second then act like nothing happened the next. Cas was ok with it most of the time; he wasn’t big on talking about his affection towards people, he’d rather show than tell. But right now, he felt like that they’d waited enough. 

 

“Dean,” he paused, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. What was he going to say? He knew what he felt, what he wanted to say, but…

 

The 22 year old looked up, tearing his eyes away from the novel to look at Cas.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I love you.”

 

_Crap_

 

This wasn't supposed to happen, he wasn’t supposed to just blurt it out. They were supposed to take it slow, he had promised himself that he wouldn't rush Dean into anything. Now Dean was going to feel as if he was trying to make him say it back or something. 

 

Cas looked away as he heard Dean’s sharp intake of breath.

 

_Now I’ve ruined everything for sure._

 

He felt Dean’s gaze on him, and Cas glared down at the floor, hoping that maybe if he prayed hard enough time would rewind and nothing had happened. Of course, nothing of that sort occurred and Cas was left staring at the carpet with his face tomato red and fists clenched. 

 

The silence was so loud.

 

Cas was just about to start biting his nails even though he knew that Dean _loathed_ it when he did that, when he jumped as he felt a warm, wet kiss on his temple. Turning around, he didn't have any time to react before he felt Dean cup his face and gently kiss him on the forehead. 

 

This was not the reaction he was expecting at _all._

 

“Cas,” Dean murmured, pressing another kiss on his nose. 

 

“Just because,” Cas let out a shaky breath, squeezing his eyes shut as Dean kissed his neck, “I don’t say it,” another long kiss was pressed onto Cas’s collarbone, “doesn’t mean,” the spot below his right ear was receiving the adoration now, “I don’t actually,” Cas felt warmth radiate from his eyelids, “care about you.” Those last three words were followed by Dean kissing his lips   softly, grazing his thumb over Cas’s cheekbone. 

 

He pulled back a little, leaning his forehead on Cas’s like before, their noses smushed together. Cas’s nerves were going wild; this wouldn't have happened even in his imagination, and he wrapped his shaking hands around Dean’s neck and let out a nervous laugh.

 

Dean was gazing at him in adoration, his green eyes shone brighter than usual as he smiled softly and rested his hands against Cas’s waist. Cas smiled back, marveling at the specks of gold in his soul mate’s eyes when he saw Dean clench his jaw like he usually did when thinking deeply and sat back.  

 

Cas decided to save the 22 year old from whatever deep troubling thought he was freaking out over by voicing his own deep troubling thought that had been nagging him from the second they kissed.

 

“Why?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Why me? Why do you specifically care about _me_? I’m a boring nerd who’s obsessed with books and cats, and my only friend is my sister.”

 

“Well, I happen to like boring nerds, and besides, Anna’s amazing. If she was my sister, I would probably only have her as a friend too.” Dean’s voice softened, and his smirk turned into a genuine smile as he continued, “You’re important to me, you piece of shit.”

 

The last three words would've been an insult if anyone else but Dean had said them, and Cas laughed, lightly shoving Dean’s shoulder. They settled back into a comfortable silence, until Cas looked over and noticed the look on Dean’s face; the same one he had had just a moment ago when he was thinking about something. This time though, Cas realized what his soul mate was flipping out over. 

 

He could physically see Dean working up the courage to say it, and was about to tell his boyfriend that there was no need for his words to be reciprocated, that Cas was just telling him, and if Dean didn't feel it he didn’t have to say it, when Dean shakily stated. 

 

"I think...I think I..." he cleared his throat, nodding at the ground, "I haven't said it since my mom..."

 

"Dean, it's okay. You don't have to-"

 

"I do too." He hesitated. "Um...love you."

 

Cas blinked, not really knowing what to say at this; he hadn't at all expected it to happen so soon. Dean broke the uncomfortable silence by grinning in his usual cocky way and raising an eyebrow. 

 

“So we gonna frigging hold hands or what?”

 

They did a little more than hold hands.

 

**March 14th, 9:52:16 PM**

 

“It’s Tuesday!”

 

“I am well aware, _Danny_ ,” Cas grumbled, shifting his phone to his other ear, smirking a little in content as he heard his boyfriend on the other end groan dramatically at the nickname. He rolled over in his bed, earning a painful scratch on his right leg from Shiba whom he had forgotten was resting there. 

 

Rubbing at his leg in annoyance, he continued, “And it’s also one of the very few days I get to sleep in. It’s too early for you to call me. I’m going back to sleep. Bye.”

 

Dean, however, was too quick and spoke before he could hang up. That seemed to be a talent of his; Cas had had millions of phone conversations where he was attempting to hang up multiple times only to be interrupted by Dean saying something each time. 

 

“Ok, first of all, it’s 10:00-”

 

“My comment still stands, Winchester.” he shot back, an annoyed edge creeping into his voice.

 

“-and second of all, I called you because I wanted to take you out for lunch at noon and you take decades to get ready in the morning.”

 

“I don’t take decades!”

 

“You’re right, you take centuries.”

 

“Excuse me Dean Winchester,” Cas replied, sitting up because he knew that he wasn't going to get any sleep anyway, and earning another hiss from Shiba who jumped off the bed with a sour look, “but I’m not the one who puts gallons of gel in his hair everyday!”

 

“It’s like the tiniest pinch of gel man, don’t be dramatic. Besides, you love it.”

 

“No I don’t.” Cas retorted, stretching out his limbs and running his hand that wasn't clutching the phone through his bed hair. 

 

“You think the spike in the front is hot.”

 

“What?!” he sputtered out, his face turning red for some reason, “I don’t think that!”

 

“Yeah you do,” Dean laughed, a sound Cas normally loved but irked him very much in that moment. Perhaps it was something to do with the fact he was still half asleep and grumpy. 

 

“Take me out some other time,” he replied, sighing. “I’ll go to dinner with you today instead if you want.”

 

“No, I want to go to lunch. I want to try out this new deli on 6th.”

 

“Dean,” Cas groaned, drawing the sound out as he fell back on the bed again, “what’s the difference? I have some studying to do this morning, and I want to go back to sleep.  I’ll go to dinner with you.”

 

“No, lunch.”

 

“Take me out on Saturday for lunch, then.”

 

“Cas!” Dean groaned, and Cas could feel his soul mate’s irritation growing by the minute. He hated making Dean upset; but he was tired and didn’t really see why this was so important. “You have a test on Monday so you’ll be studying for that on Saturday. I’m taking you to lunch today.”

 

He was right, and they both knew it. Cas paused as he mulled it over. 

 

_Dean wants to go really bad, and this’ll be the only time this week I’ll be able to go._

 

_But I’m so tired._

 

He reached a decision when he heard Dean on the other end huff out a pathetic, “Please?”

“Fine,” he grumbled, giving in and getting up to take a shower. “Why is it so important for you to have lunch especially anyway?”

 

“Because we haven’t went out for lunch together ever and I want to have that experience with you.”

 

“You want to have the experience of staring at me while I eat a sandwich?” 

 

Dean’s voice turned quite, almost shy. “I just want to…I want to do everything with you because,” he hesitated, and his voice was barely a whisper, as if he couldn't quite say it, “because you make everything a new experience.”

 

Cas couldn't say no to that.

 

****************

The deli was quite good, actually, and he wouldn't admit it to Dean because he was too stubborn for that, but he really enjoyed himself. 

 

Things picked up fast when a fiery haired girl around Sam’s age plopped down on the table next to them. Her hair was even brighter than Anna’s, and her presence was very much _there._ She was the type of person to draw attention and get people to look at her, and maybe it was the hair or just the way she moved, but she looked like someone who everyone would want as a friend. 

 

Cas was in the middle of trying to chew a regrettably colossal bite of his sandwich that he had bit into without really thinking about it, when she spoke.

 

“You two are so cute!”

 

Dean almost choked on his own spit, and Cas was just as surprised, even though he didn't physically show it. This was so entirely new. 

 

The girl waited until Cas was done working on that ginormous bite and had fully swallowed his food to continue. 

 

“How long have you two been together?”

 

Dean looked incredibly uncomfortable, and to be honest, Cas was a little too. They had never talked about their relationship to strangers and flaunted it in public like normal couples did, hell, Cas was pretty sure everyone who saw them just assumed they were friends doing something together. There was no physical nor verbal affection between them when they went out in public, and the soul mates liked it that way. They knew it would be weird for the both of them. 

 

So how did the girl know? Cas had just been trying to chew a bite of his sandwich, while Dean worked on his. Nothing romantic about it. 

 

Cas was the one who answered. 

 

“Our timers went off about two months ago, but, how did you-”

“The way you two were looking at each other.” 

 

She shrugged nonchalantly and gave them a smile. Her personality was so much like Anna’s that Cas absentmindedly wondered if all redheads acted like this, if God had created redheads solely to make the world a peppier place. That, of course, was ridiculous, because he only knew two redheads in his life that acted this way, but it was an amusing thought.

 

 He looked nervously across the table at Dean, who nodded, and was staring at the ground and huffing out a awkward laugh. 

 

The girl’s eyes widened when she saw their reactions. 

 

“Oh, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable! I just saw you two looking at each other like, well, _that,_ and just wanted to tell you guys I thought you were cute. Sorry.”

 

“It’s alright,” Dean murmured, the tips of his ears red. He made an effort to make eye contact with the girl, who smiled apologetically and shrugged. Cas glanced at Dean with a mixture of amusement and embarrassment. 

 

_I should say someone before Dean freaks out more._

 

He fought the urge to smile when he saw his boyfriend fidgeting with his spoon nervously.

 

_Nah, this is funny._

 

There was an awkward silence as the three of them just kind of stared at each other, not knowing what to say. Cas was this close to snickering at Dean’s reaction; he had never seen him this rattled, and it was quite a new thing from his usual cockiness and confidence. 

 

“Well,” the girl chirped up again, “nice meeting you guys. I’m Charlie. I’m going to go switch tables now before Ken doll over here starts crying.” Dean blinked, looking slightly offended and rattled at the same time. She gave them the vulcan salute from _Star Trek_ , something that Cas only recognized because Dean had made him watch all the movies and a lot of the episodes, and after a “Peace out bitches!” walked off with a jump in her step to the farthest table from them. 

 

“Wow,” Dean breathed, “she’s like the little sister I never wanted.”

 

Cas exploded in a fit of laughter, causing Dean to look over at him in annoyance. 

 

“What?!”

 

“You were so uncomfortable, it was so funny!”

 

“It wasn’t funny!”

 

“You’re right,” Cas retorted over his laughter, mimicking Dean’s words from earlier this morning, “it was _hilarious_.”

 

“Cas!”

 

He finally settled down, wiping a imaginary tear to annoy Dean even more and picked up his sandwich, taking care to take smaller bites this time. He watched Dean frown and furrow his eyebrows at his soup, and Cas put down his food once more to get a better look at him. The mood shifted considerably, enough to worry Cas a little. 

 

“Hey, you okay?”

 

Dean’s face looking troubled as he looked up at his soul mate, and Cas nudged Dean’s leg with his under the table gently. 

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” came the reply, and the mechanic paused to clear his throat, “but um, well, I’m just not used to, yanno.”

 

Cas nodded understandingly, “I know.”

 

“But um, I’m okay with…it, I mean, uh, people, strangers,” he paused, looking for the right word, “ _knowing.”_

 

Cas blinked, understanding what Dean meant but feeling a bit shocked. He never really thought that Dean would be the type, and then he suddenly realized that Dean had been in the awkward _I’m down with it if you are_ phase since day one. 

 

The 19 year old gave a small smile, leaning over to wipe a small smudge of sauce on the corner of his boyfriend’s mouth with his thumb. 

 

“Me too, but I’m drawing the line if we become like one of those annoying couples who wear matching clothes.”

 

“Damnit,” Dean replied without missing a beat, his whole body relaxing, “I have to return the matching ugly sweaters I ordered.”

 

Cas snorted and sat back, experimentally touching his foot lightly against Dean’s shyly. The table didn’t have a tablecloth or anything, since it was a diner, but Dean smiled regardless, doing the same back.

 

It was a small gesture really, but more than enough. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Next chapter has a lot of plot, so I'm stacking up on the fluff and their relationship first. 
> 
> So, school is so hectic and my updates are gonna be every Monday, so next update is going to be on the 8th of September!
> 
> Please please please comment what you guys think (seriously), and see y'all next week!


	16. April 1st, 11:08:43 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FEEL LIKE THIS IS WORST WRITTEN CHAPTER BY FAR ITS SO RUSHED IM SORRY IM SO HELLA BUSY WITH SCHOOL GUYS I LOVE YALL IM SORRY ANYWAY ENJOY AND IF YOU DONT HATE IT AND ME AT THE END PARTY WITH ME ON MY [TUMBLR](http://http://superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com)

Dean didn't quite know why himself, but he would rather climb into Cas’s window every time he wished instead of doing the proper thing and just using the front door. There was something nice about it, daresay, romantic, and he knew that although Cas complained about it often, the Milton secretly loved it too.  

 

That is, boundaries came into question when Dean once randomly climbed into Cas’s bedroom with no warning (as usual) only to find him aggressively mouthing the words along to the “Best of Both Worlds” by Hannah freaking Montana and dancing really badly. 

 

Dean still hysterically laughed whenever he thought about it. 

 

That was the day that Cas had made it a rule for Dean to text or call, then wait for Cas’s reply. before he came, so the Milton could force Shiba out and make sure he wasn't doing anything super embarrassing that Dean would tease him about for the rest of his life. When Dean had suggested that that rule only existed so he didn't walk in on him jacking off, Cas had shoved him, rolling his eyes and burying his nose back into his book. 

 

Today was April Fool’s though, and as Dean expertly climbed into the tree he figured that if he didn't call at least this time the only thing it would do was just ruin the joke he had planned. And it _was_ a pretty damn good joke.

 

He climbed inside Cas’s room smiling, then immediately tensed up, his whole body going into defensive mode. 

 

The first clue that something was wrong was the dark.

 

It was completely pitch black in the room; which was weird because Cas hated the dark and always kept a lamp on even when he wasn’t in his room. Dean had teased him about it when he found out, but Cas quickly shut him up by reminding him that he was terrified of cockroaches. 

 

The second thing he was aware of was the sound. Faint and barely noticeable unless you were listening hard for it, it was a quiet noise that resembled…crying?

 

He craned his neck toward the sound coming from the bed; he couldn’t see a thing, and hesitantly walked forward a few steps. 

 

_Okay, this shit is officially freaking me out._

 

He was just about to call out Cas’s name when his noise twitched, making contact with something it didn't like. Out came a thunderous sneeze, followed by ferocious more. It was Shiba, he presumed. Frightened, the feline meowed softly and scampered out the room; the door was wide open but the whole house was dark so Dean still couldn't see a thing. 

 

As Dean’s sneezing stopped he realized that the other noise coming from the bed had stopped as well, and he froze, terrified. For some reason, the Winchester felt like he had been caught doing something wrong, like he was stealing something instead of visiting his boyfriend like he did almost everyday. 

 

The voice was rough, small, and pitiful, but Dean had heard it more than enough times to know who it was.

 

“Dean?”

 

“Cas!”

 

Of course, who else would it be? Still, a huge wave of relief washed over him, and the first thing he did was run to turn on the lights because being in the dark in someone else’s house in the middle of the night, even if it was your soul mate’s house, was reeeaaallllyyy creepy. 

 

He wish he hadn't flicked the switch as soon as he had. 

 

Cas was lying in his bed with the covers up his chin, curled up in a fetal position. His eyes were bloodshot and he was clutching something tightly to his chest. He looked miserable and depressed and terrified and Dean’s heart broke in two just looking at him.

 

It was obvious that he’d been crying. 

 

“Cas,” Dean whispered softly, walking towards him, “what happened?”

 

He sat down on the bed next to him, and watched his soul mate look helplessly up at him, unable to speak. Cas huffed, his eyes traveling down to his phone. 

 

Dean let out a breath, climbing on the bed and laying down on the other pillow, sliding into the covers. Cas’s body was warm, no, hot, and Dean knit his eyebrows together in worry as he put a hand on his soul mate’s forehead. 

 

“Angel, you’re burning up.”

 

Cas swatted Dean’s hand away in annoyance, his eyes closed, and Dean was getting to the point where he was about to shake his boyfriend if he didn't _say something goddamnit_ when Cas let out a soft sob and buried his face in Dean’s chest. 

 

_Oh_

 

Dean let out a shaky breath and rested his chin on the top of Cas’s head, drawing small circles with his palm on the Milton’s back. It was heartbreaking really; Cas didn't get like this. No, Cas was a stubborn little shit who read 500 page books in a day and laughed at really bad puns. He wasn't this pitiful little ball of…being, who looked like death itself and was clutching his phone for some reason. He didn't say anything, Cas deserved his space, but it went on for so long that Dean was starting to get really impatient and so he pulled back and cupped his soul mate’s face gently so he didn't seem too harsh. 

 

“Cas.” he asked, more firmly this time. He gently brushed away a lock of hair from the 19 year old’s face, watching it fall back in place and curling at the end. “What. Is. Going. On.”

 

The Milton took a shaky breath, obviously trying to calm down, and he gestured to his phone.

 

“It’s Anna,” he finally choked out, “she’s been in a car accident.”

 

“What?!”

 

“It was a drunk driver,” he continued in a raspy voice, and anger and disbelief rose up inside Dean. 

 

“I don’t think she’s going to make it."

***********************

 

After 5 minutes straight of hysteria from both of the boys, they finally calmed down enough for Cas to tell Dean the full story. 

 

Anna had been driving back from a friend’s house when Mr. Milton got a call that a car registered to their address had been in a car crash. The person who hit them had been a drunk driver speeding way over limit on the wrong side of the road. Panicking, Mr. and Mrs. Milton had hurried to the hospital, refusing to bring Cas with them despite his protests. They had told him that he was to stay home and not worry; they would sort it out themselves. When Cas told that part of the story to him, furious at his parents, Dean numbly thought that they were right; if something had happened to their dad he would want to sort it out quickly himself, not have Sammy freaking out and doing nothing but make everything more hectic next to him. Cas had no choice but to stay anyway, his parents had took the car and Anna had been in the other one.  

 

When Cas finished, he gestured to the phone that he was clutching so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. 

 

“My parents have been keeping me updated by texting me. So far the only information I have is that she has major head and rib injuries.”

 

“What kind of head and rib injuries?”

 

“That’s all I know.”

 

Cas continued, blinking back tears, “I do know that the drunk driver was a hit and run. They haven’t found him yet, but the police are working on it.”

 

Dean sighed, rubbing at his face. He was so tired of it all. Just when things got good, just when he thought that maybe everything was alright and they were going to be happy and then this…!

 

He scooted closer to Cas and put an arm around him, and as he did, he wasn't sure if he was trying to comfort his soul mate or himself. 

 

Maybe both. 

 

He was so tempted to get up and grab his keys and drive to the hospital, but of course Cas’s parents would not like that one bit and they were right; it was better for them to stay here. His car was just sitting there in the driveway, and it took a lot of self control for Dean not to suggest to drive him and Cas there.

 

Of course, Cas was set one getting there, and he was a stubborn little shit, seeing no reason.  

 

“Dean,” he said suddenly, wriggling out of his grip and getting up from the bed. He had turned from depressed to incredibly determined in two seconds flat, and it kind of amazed Dean how he could do that. “The Impala is right there.” 

 

He jerked his thumb towards the window where the old black car was sitting in the driveway. 

 

“Cas…”

 

The machine shook his head, knowing where his boyfriend was getting at. 

 

“You have to drive me to the hospital.”

 

Dean sighed once more, getting up as well and gently taking Cas’s hand in his own. Cas resisted, pulling back and curling his hand into fists. 

 

“I’m so sorry, angel.”

 

“Dean, you have to drive me to the hospital!”

 

“I wish I could.”

 

“You can!” Cas nearly screamed, gesturing wildly to the Impala. “You absolutely can!”

 

Dean let out a shaky breath, tears clouding his vision.

 

“Cas, no. Your parents are right. You’re freaking out and…just…go to bed, angel. It’ll be alright, she’ll be alright.”

 

“No!” Cas yelled, startling Dean; he never thought he would ever see Cas so furious and upset and…frazzled. Cas was generally a very calm person. “She’s my _sister_ Dean. I might’ve not _raised_ her like you did with Sam, but she’s my sister and best friend and even though we annoy the hell out of each other all the time, she’s been the only person who’s been there for me my _entire life!_ So you,” he jabbed his pointer finger into Dean’s chest, and his eyes were filled with blind rage and a hint of sorrow, “are going to drive me to the _goddamn_ hospital or so help me God.”

 

He spit out the last word when he was all up in Dean’s face, their noses almost touching. Breathing heavily and gritting his teeth, Cas pulled back and straightened his trench coat and then proceeded to glare at his soul mate, arms crossed and eyebrows raised. His hair added to the whole “I am a crazy person” thing going on, defying gravity without any gel or product by sticking up in random directions impossibly. 

 

Beyond everything, he just looked sad. He just looked plain depressed, and Dean knew that he was turning that depression into anger because that was what he used to do too. He used to take all his sadness about his mother dying and his dad being a deadbeat and him having to pay for his little brother’s education, and turn it into blind rage; multiple fights and suspensions in school became the effect of this, until he finally just dropped out. Dean didn’t want that to happen to Cas, he didn't want Anna to…die and Cas to turn into another version of him. Because the worse thing that the mechanic could ever think could happen to a person was for them to turn into him, Dean Winchester. 

 

It was so hard for him to say his next words, because he wished so desperately that he didn't have to. 

 

“No.”

 

Cas let out a scream of frustration at him, throwing the nearest object at him (which was only a pillow, thank god) and Dean noticed that tears were openly streaming down his soul mate’s face, and it hurt, it hurt so bad. It hurt Dean to see Cas like this, and he hated it. 

 

_Why him? Why Anna?_

 

But, why anyone, really? Why did anything happen to anyone? Why did sweet little kids die of cancer when they barely had even begun to live, why did mothers die in fires so that their husbands could become deadbeat drunk abusive dads who were never there for their children, why did beautiful amazing kind 19 year old girls who had just quite started to figure out the world get hit by people that they didn't even know? 

 

Because that was life. 

 

And life sucked. 

 

Cas cursed under his breath as he hastily tried to tie his shoelaces with shaking fingers, waking Dean out of his haze. The Winchester turned around and frowned at his boyfriend, who was having a little more than trouble attempting to tie his shoelaces. It was probably because he was sitting down on the carpet with his foot propped up in front of him, resting a few inches above his head on a bookshelf. His knee was sticking out in an awkward angle, almost stabbing him in the eye, and his fingers were trembling a lot as well. 

 

“Cas, what are you doing?”

 

“Tying my shoelaces.”

 

His voice was even, hard, and that scared Dean more than when he had just been screaming. Kneeling down next him, Dean didn't try to touch him because he knew he’d just end up getting shrugged off, and watched for a few seconds as his boyfriend desperately attempt to tie his shoes to no avail. 

 

“I just said I’m not driving you.”

 

Cas scoffed, standing up with his shoes untied. He brushed himself off, shoving his phone in his coat pocket and walking past Dean. The mechanic watched in confusion as his boyfriend calmly buttoned his coat and tightened the straps around his waist, not bothering to tie them. 

 

“I know, I’m walking. I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me before.” 

 

Dean snorted, causing Cas to turn around in anger. 

 

“Don’t _snort_ at me!”

 

“The hospital is 10 miles away. It’ll take ages for you to get there, and it’s pitch black outside. No way in hell are you walking.”

 

“Don't tell me what to do, _Danny_. I don’t take orders from anyone.” Cas replied icily. 

 

The last comment and the sass that had been directed at him from the moment he had refused to drive made Dean snap back in annoyance. 

 

“You’re being a overdramatic freaking idiot, calm the hell down! I’m trying to help you, you little shit!”

 

Dean inwardly slapped himself as soon as the words left his mouth and he saw the stunned look on his soul mate’s face.

 

_That is literally the first thing not to say when someone’s sister is possibly dying in a hospital. I am such a jerk._

 

The words spat out at him next from Cas was what he deserved, Dean told himself, but it didn't make them hurt less. 

 

“I _hate_ you!”

 

It stung, it really did, but Dean knew that Cas didn't really hate him and was just acting in the heat of the moment. He stared at his soulmate as he realized what he had just said, and Cas looked up at Dean in horror. 

 

Breaking the unspoken rule that Cas had set up of “don’t touch me” in the last few minutes, Dean stepped forward, enlacing his soul mate into a tight hug. There was slight resistance at first as Cas stubbornly attempted to wriggle out his grip, rather out of pride than anger, but then he gave in, sinking into Dean’s arms. The Winchester closed his eyes, sighing in relief that this whole fight didn't go on for too long, and felt Cas hug him back. Hearing a faint sob emit from his soul mate that was muffled because Cas’s face was buried into his shirt, Dean hushed him softly, rubbing a hand across the Milton’s back. 

 

“Shhhh, angel, it’ll be okay. She’ll be okay.”

 

Cas sobbed once more, muffling out, “I don’t hate you Dean.”

 

Dean just smiled sadly, kissing his soul mate’s hair gently. 

 

“I know.”

 

They fell asleep with their breath hot against their skin and hands clutching to each other in desperation to cling to something good. 

 

******************

 

30 MINUTES LATER

 

Dean’s eyes snapped open as his phone- that was currently wedged into his jean’s pocket- starting obnoxiously ringing his classic rock ringtone that he had loved before but now was _freaking loud jesus christ._ He yawned, blearily rubbing his eyes and taking it out as fast as he could half awake so he didn’t startle his sleeping boyfriend, who was gently snoring like an idiot, with one leg thrown over his own and an arm dangling off the edge. He didn’t bother checking the number- Dean didn’t want to go blind because of the brightness of the screen- and shoved the cell to his ear. 

 

_Who the hell calls in the middle of the night, jesus christ._

 

_If this is Sam, I swear to God I’m taking away that little punk’s Sherlock Holmes novels that he probably jacks off to every night._

 

“Hello?” he inquired, grumpily.

 

“Dean.”

 

The Winchester stiffened a gasp, and shot up in the bed, suddenly wide awake. Cas groaned softly in his sleep, mumbling something and turning over, and Dean’s head pounded wildly as he waited for the person on the other line to speak again. 

 

_Why is he calling?_

 

_He never calls._

 

_I’m surprised he even knows my number._

 

There was a silence from the phone, and Dean realized that the speaker was waiting for him to say something, to acknowledge his presence. He finally breathed it out, terrified of the possibilities of why that person could be calling. 

 

“Dad?”

 

John Winchester made no noise as he paused, probably searching for the right words. Each breath from the other line caused Dean’s heart to beat faster and faster and faster as he imagined all the things that could've happened. 

 

“Son-”

 

_Son? He doesn't call me that._

 

“I’m in jail, and there’s no bail.”

 

Dean blinked, his brain not quite processing what his father had just told him. 

 

“You what?”

 

John replied in a tone that Dean had never heard his father use before. It was a _scared_ tone, a slightly panicked one. 

 

“I was driving by here and I hit some car.”

 

Dean was having trouble breathing now, and as he sat there, making the connection, he was so close to screaming out loud in anger.

 

“Were you drunk?!” he spat out, furious.

 

“Yeah, I-”

 

“Were you speeding on the wrong side of the road?”

 

“How do you know that?”

 

Dean ignored him, his blind rage building up.

 

“After you hit the car, _did you run?”_

 

“Listen to me, goddamnit,” his father whispered fiercely, not used to being talked to like that. 

 

“No, _you_ listen to me!”

 

Dean was practically foaming at the mouth, and he felt a hand on his back. Glancing back, he realized that he had woken up Cas and the Milton was sitting there, listening with an incredibly worried look on his face. 

 

“After you hit the car, _did you or did you not run?”_

 

His father paused, clearly trying to think of something to say other than the answer. 

 

“ANSWER ME!”

 

“Yes! Ok? Yes! I can’t go to jail Dean!” his father was yelling into the phone now, and he sounded like he was crying, but no, that wasn’t true, he couldn't be. His dad was a tough man, he didn't cry. 

 

“I ran because I knew that I would be facing years in prison and a damn big fine hanging over my ass.”

 

“You…you…” Dean simply couldn't find the words; nothing that he could possibly call his dad right now would ever do justice in a thousand years. _This,_ this was the lowest thing that anyone could do, and he couldn't believe that his father, someone that he had deeply admired once when his mother was around, could stoop so low.

 

So he opted for throwing his phone across the room at the wall instead, screaming out in rage. 

 

To his frustration, the phone didn't break. 

 

Not so much as a scratch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Refrences!
> 
> Dean’s ringtone in the fic (and on the show) is here if you want to listen [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhFSyvEU2zc)
> 
> What Cas is supposed to look like in this fic [here](http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ak0.pinimg.com%2F736x%2F8c%2Ffc%2F0b%2F8cfc0b8298652f9355a5d7af5011c27c.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.pinterest.com%2Fpadamajedward%2Fmisha-and-west%2F&h=629&w=500&tbnid=SsrhajguFkyEwM%3A&zoom=1&docid=zlYQIb_FjVnt6M&ei=lWoOVN-IKqbjsATZ1IC4Aw&tbm=isch&client=safari&iact=rc&uact=3&dur=1&page=1&start=0&ndsp=11&ved=0CDQQMygBMAE)
> 
> And what Dean is supposed to look like in this fic [here](http://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m26itwZjs01rqnsoho1_500.gif)
> 
> Please please please comment, and next update is September 15th. :)


	17. April 8th, 12:22 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I messed around with the POV this chapter, instead of sticking to the pattern I usually have with the whole switching between Dean and Cas’s POV every chapter thing. The next chapter will continue with the usual POV. 
> 
> Also, before you read this chapter and think that the John I’ve written in this chapter is completely out of character, just know that this John has been sober for a week, so it brings out a side of him that no one, not even him, has seen before. 
> 
> Anywhore, hit me up on [tumblr](http://superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com)

When John Winchester was discharged from the Marines with PTSD, he refused therapy. He didn't see what good it would do. Besides, he had had his family that time. His two boys, and his beautiful wife. He was okay.

 

But that was before Mary had died. 

 

After that, being around him was like waiting for a bomb to go off, and after some time, he just took off, leaving his kids and checking back on them every month to make himself feel better about himself. He was alone in the world, lost without his soulmate, so that’s when he had turned to drink more heavily than he had before he had met Mary,  now there was no one to tell him to lay off, to say he’d had enough. Now that bottle was his only friend and that didn't improve his temper. 

 

He was a drunkard; plain and simple. His breakfast was whiskey with a rum chaser. He was slurring his words by lunchtime and was passed out by afternoon. The only way he got money was by hustling pool and playing poker, and empty beer cans and spirit bottles lay discarded throughout his car. 

 

The ex-marine detested himself and anyone who showed him kindness. When he was sure he was alone he would often cry for all the regrets and mistakes he’d made, for all the love he’d driven away.

 

He had done a lot of shitty things, he knew, but not once, would he have ever even dreamt about doing something like _this._

 

He had ran over a young girl, and _ran_. He was told that she was in the hospital with a brain injury and in a deep coma; and he regretted it everyday, loathed himself. 

 

So when the judge had declared that John’s punishment was life in jail; he was glad, he really was. He deserved it, and this way he could repent, and not hurt anyone in the process. 

 

It didn’t make it any better though, when he was told he had gotten a call from one of the guards, and was led into the place where visitors could talk to the prisoners over the phone and a glass screen. And then suddenly there were his two boys and -for some reason unknown to him- the blue eyed boy who had thrown himself in front of Dean when John had threatened to hit him with a bat-all staring at him, faces haunted. 

 

The second the ex-marine saw the blue eyed boy, he desperately wished that he wasn't there, the memory of almost killing his oldest son wasn't a good one, and not something he wanted to be reminded of. 

 

Looking down, John was shocked to see Dean _holding hands_ with the boy. His face must have shown it, because Dean, his face hard and expressionless, nodded, confirming his suspicions. 

 

Of course. Why hadn't he seen it before? They were damn soul mates. He had seen his son look at the blue eyed boy like he used to look at Mary, and then there was the obvious clue of the boy throwing himself in front of Dean when in harm. His distracted and drunk brain hadn't been able to wrap his mind around that that night. 

 

John didn't mind, no, he was happy for his son. Despite of what everyone thought, he wasn’t a monster originally. He was a asshole, a big one, and he knew it, but even he had limits. The alcohol had turned him into a monster. And right now, there hadn't been any of it pumping through his veins since the past week. It was the most sober he’d been in…ever. 

 

He smiled softly at his sons and the boy, but not one of the three showed any emotion. That is, until Sam picked up the phone that was sitting there untouched on its holder. The 17 year old wrapped his finger around the cord as he pressed it to his ear, pursing his lips together, avoiding his eyes as he stared down at his hand. There was a silence as John picked up the phone on his side and pressed it to his ear as well. Sammy was crying; silent tears rushing down his face and he made no effort to brush them away. John was tempted to reach out to his younger son, the one who had had to go through life without a mother or a father since he was 6 months. He was so close, so close, but there was the goddamn glass separating them, and he doubted that his boys would let him touch them after what had happened. 

 

“Dad,” whispered Sam, his voice cracking. His head was bent, and John watched as the boy- who was sitting in the middle of the Winchester brothers- rub Sam’s back in a comforting gesture. The young boy nodded appreciatively, and rubbed his eyes before speaking again. 

 

“I can’t believe…that…I can’t believe it.”

 

John cleared his throat, about to choke up, and touched the glass with his wide open palm. 

 

“Me neither.”

 

He stared at his boys before spitting out what he should’ve eons ago. 

 

“I’m so sorry.”

 

Sam and Dean both looked surprised for a moment, and the youngest brother gave a curt nod before passing the phone off to Dean. John took a shaky breath and didn’t say a word; this was the son who had had it the hardest, and Dean was probably glad his old man was locked up. 

 

“What would mom say?”

 

That stopped him, and John stared at the mechanic’s face.

 

“Do you think that mom would be happy right now?”

 

That did it, he was crying, he was freaking crying in front of his kids and a kid he had met once in his life,and all 3 boys just sat there, and stared at him. The soul mate had a weird kind of expression on his face, a type of sad one, like it hurt to see John cry, but no, that couldn’t be true. The last time they had seen each other he had almost smashed the kid’s head in. 

 

Dean sat there as he patiently waited for his dad to calm down, and once he had, continued talking in the same emotionless tone. 

 

“This is the first and last time we’re coming to see you. I wasn’t even going to bring Sam with me.”

 

John nodded, agreeing. It was for the best. 

 

“I was only going to come here for Cas,” Dean said, jerking his head towards the blue eyed boy, “and then Sam said he wanted to come to see you one last time.”

 

Cas. So he had a name. 

 

_But why would the boy want to see me? He probably hates me._

 

The ex-marine watched, confused, Dean passed the phone over to his soul mate, and the boy, no, _Cas,_ took it, fumbling for a second. Pressing the phone to his ear, he looked up and met John’s eyes for the first time. Cas’s eyes were stunningly blue, and right now they looked tormented, like he had just seen something terrible happen to someone he loved. 

 

The boy cleared his throat and started biting at his nails until Dean nudged him, and he abruptly dropped his hand, pressing his lips together tightly. 

 

“Hello Mr. Winchester,” he croaked out, and his voice was surprisingly deep, “I take it you remember me?”

 

_Is the boy mocking me?_

 

However, there was no trace of taunt in his voice, just plain old sadness. He was surprisingly polite, considering…

 

John gave him a short, curt nod. 

 

“My name is Castiel. I am Dean’s soulmate.”

 

There was something in the way he talked and moved that made John uncomfortable. The boy was acting like a robot. His words prim and proper, his posture perfect, his face and tone devoid of any emotion. The only color on his pale face were his _very_ blue big eyes.

 

He gave an awkward chuckle in return.

 

“Good for ya, Cas.”

 

“It’s _Castiel_.”

 

There it was, the emotion, the disgust. Castiel’s lip curled upward in detest, his words spitting out icily, and his eyes turned cold. John relaxed; this, he was used to. 

 

“Alright,” he replied, “Castiel. Why you here?”

 

“I came here to tell you that…”

 

The boy paused, taking a shaky breath, and he turned to Dean, who shrugged. John faintly heard Dean say something like _you don’t have to do this Cas,_ but the dark haired boy shook his head, and turned back to face John. He took a deep breath, and delivered the blow.

 

“That girl that you hit, the one who is currently in the hospital in a coma with a brain injury? Yes, that girl is my _sister_.”

 

_Son of a bitch_

 

John breathed in deep, not quite believing it. No, no, no, no, no. He felt panic rush over him, crashing into his whole body, and John just couldn’t process the fact that _the girl that he had hit with a car and then ran was his son’s soul mate’s goddamn sister._

 

_I’m a monster._

 

John didn’t think it was possible to hate himself more than he did right now. 

 

He could see Castiel grow more furious by the second, his emotionless mask gone. Loathing radiating from his words, his tone, his face, Castiel’s face turned bright red and clenched his fist; Dean grabbed his arm, attempting to calm him as he looked at his younger brother and motioned for him to leave. Sam, ever the stubborn shit, shook his head, refusing, and Dean sighed, focusing his attention back to calming his soul mate down. 

 

Castiel wouldn't though, he was freaking out, and John supposed he had every right to because well, the boy who couldn’t have been more than 20 was sitting across from the man who could end up killing his sister.

 

“I was going to,” Castiel whispered fiercely into the phone, “tell you that I forgave you because it was the _right thing to do_ or some shit _,_ but looking at you right now, I can’t, because you are a monster and you absolutely _disgust_ me.”

 

John swallowed and took it all, because he deserved it; The boy was right, damnit, and the he opened his mouth to tell him so.

 

“Listen son-”

 

“No, _shut up,_ ” Castiel nearly screamed.

 

The ex-marine was a bit surprised, Castiel had come off as such a nice, calm boy, and maybe he was, but grief could do terrible things to a person. If there was anyone who knew that in the world, it was John.

 

Dean and Sam looked surprised too, to say the least, and they stared at the enraged blue eyed boy in shock, but let him continue.

 

“I can’t _believe_ anyone could ever do this to someone. How _could_ you?!”

 

John didn’t quite know himself.

 

Castiel continued, sputtering, “You-you-I-Anna-”

 

Dean rubbed his soul mate’s arm in a comforting gesture, something that reminded of John of when Mary used to do that to him, and murmured something that John couldn’t hear because of they were talking through a telephone. 

 

Castiel ignored Dean, however, and he jumped up, his face bright red and practically foaming at the mouth. His hands were clenched into fists; his teeth gritted, and his bright eyes glaring at John, boring a hole through his heart. As he spat out his words, John was pretty damn sure that if there wasn't a glass in the way, the boy would've jumped him. 

 

“I’m happy that you’re going to be here until you die. God knows you deserve it, and more.”

 

He slammed the phone down, and turned around and stalked off, leaving a very surprised Dean and Sam behind him. Dean, without sparing so much as a glance at John, loyally followed Castiel, and Sam turned around, gave him a faint, sad smile that was more in his eyes than his mouth, then followed his brother to the door.  

 

That was the last time he ever saw his sons-or Castiel, for that matter-again. 

 

******************

 

**April 15th, 5:36:28 PM**

 

Dean was pretty sure that the first time that he had heard Cas laugh was the time he realized that he was in love with him. Cas had a crooked little laugh to match his crooked little smile- and his crooked little mind. It was a beautiful, luxurious sound, and Dean fell more in love with him whenever he did so. The best days were when Dean coaxed a laugh out of his soul mate’s mouth; those were the moments to live for.

 

This laugh was different. 

 

This laugh that was making its way out of Cas’s mouth, was a sad one, a hollow empty one full of despair and anguish; It hurt Dean, like someone had suctioned out all his insides with a vacuum in one swift move. Just like that.

 

He wasn’t even sure why Cas had laughed, perhaps the 19 year old had said something before, made a bad joke or a comment. 

 

The Winchester smiled nonetheless, to make sure his soul mate didn't see, and rubbed his back in an effort to calm him down a little. Cas leaned into the touch, and Dean once more attempted to snatch the bottle from the Milton’s hands to no avail.

 

They were at the beach, the same one they had went to a while ago. The couple was sitting in the sand dangerously close to the water, and the salty wind blew harshly at their faces, causing hair to fly backwards and eyes to squint in an effort to not go freaking blind. Dean had taken Cas here to keep his mind off of Anna, and it seemed like it was working, but in the worst way possible. 

 

It probably had something to do with the fact that Dean had handed his boyfriend a bottle of vodka and let him have at it, a serious mistake that he was deeply regretting. Cas had never drunk before, if you didn’t count the small sips of wine he had drunk with Dean the last time they were here, and maybe he should've started off with something less stronger, like beer. The Milton hadn’t drunk much, only half the bottle, but he was acting all _weird_ and _drunk_ ; which Dean was getting incredibly uncomfortable with his soul mate’s behavior, because well, Cas was innocent and pure and blushed at dirty jokes. Dean felt like he had somehow tainted his boyfriend by handing him the bottle, he should’ve waited until Cas was legally allowed to. 

 

Both Dean and Sam had been drinking since they were like, freaking 11 years old, but he didn’t want Cas to make the same mistakes he had made and seeing his boyfriend like this unnerved the Winchester to no end. 

 

Cas leaned into Dean, resting his head on his shoulder, and took another small sip of vodka before setting it down on the sand and wrapping his arms around Dean. The Winchester smiled, Cas was slouching slightly which made him more than about an inch shorter than Dean like usual, and the mechanic ran his fingers through his soul mate’s hair and softly kissed it. This was the most normal thing they’d done since the accident, it felt good. It felt more than good, it felt like home and Dean missed this, he missed Cas not being depressed and moody and actually sleeping and not spending every moment he wasn’t in college by Anna’s hospital bed, praying that she would wake up. 

 

He heard Cas giggle, all hysterical and crazy, and then the Milton slurred, “Hey Dean?”

 

“Mmm?”

 

“Knock knock.”

 

The Winchester sighed, taking the opportunity to grab the half empty bottle lying by Cas’s side and throw it into the ocean. That way Cas couldn't drink anymore of that crap and maybe the fish could get high off of it or something. They probably needed something to start a undersea fish party. 

 

“Who’s there?”

 

Cas retracted himself from Dean, sitting up properly and looking over at his soul mate with wide, slightly unfocused, eyes. 

 

“Bees.”

 

“Bees who?”

 

Cas laughed that same laugh that he had laughed before, the hollow one, and Dean winced when he heard it again. The Milton took a deep breath like he was pausing for dramatic suspense, and yelled out, “Bees knees!”

 

He devolved into a fit of laughter, clutching his stomach as Dean frowned at him, disturbed.

 

“Angel, that doesn’t even make any sense.”

 

The blue eyed boy immediately stopped laughing as soon as he heard that, sitting up with a incredibly serious, yet woozy, look on his face. 

 

“You shut your whore mouth D-”

 

The statement was cut short when Dean’s voice started ringing with that _ringtone that he really needed to change goddamn,_ and pressing the “pick up” button, held the phone to his ear, not bothering to check the caller ID. 

 

“Dean, darling.”

 

“Hey, Mrs. Milton,” he replied, recognizing the voice, “everything okay?”

 

“Yes, everything is fine, I was calling to tell you that-” she stopped short, as if she was suddenly realizing something, “Is Cas with you? He isn’t picking up his phone.”

 

“Oh, yeah. Sorry, I’m out with him, and I guess he forgot his phone.”

 

He looked over at Cas, who was currently laying down, stretched out in the sand. His blue eyes were darting this way and that, and Dean silently thanked God that Cas had forgotten his phone because it would've been a disaster if the 19 year old had picked it up and talked to his mother in this condition. Not to mention the explaining he would have to do to Cas’s parents later on on why he thought it would be a good idea to give their son who was 2 years under the drinking age hard liquor. 

 

“Alright, that’s fine.”

 

She sounded tired, worn out, and she had every right to, the Milton parents had been practically running everywhere since the accident had happened two weeks ago. They were always at the hospital, but then of course they had jobs, commitments, and another child to worry about as well. Dean had felt guilty that he couldn't do anything to help them, and when he had voiced those thoughts, they had told him that he was doing a great help by being there for Cas. 

 

“Well,” he said, “were you just calling to check up or…?”

 

“No, I’m calling to say that- are you sure that Cas is alright? I’ve been worried about him, he’s been so depressed lately.” 

 

Dean mentally sighed; it seemed like the last 2 weeks had kind of messed with both Mr and Mrs. Milton’s heads. He doubted they had slept at all, and every time he talked to them since the accident, they had always seemed kinda out of it. 

 

“He’s fine, he’s with me right now.” Dean replied, irritation creeping into his voice. He adored Cas’s mom, but Cas was currently on vodka, and was a 19 year old who had never drank before in his life. Dean _really_ needed to get back to focusing on the blue eyed drunk boy who was currently giggling hysterically over something that he had seen in the clouds. 

 

“Oh, ok then. Well, I was just calling to tell you that-”

 

She stopped short when she heard Cas yelling something about the “bullshit sitty thingy in the clouds” and hiccuping. Dean hastily shoved his hand over his boyfriend’s mouth to soften to sound. 

 

“Is that Cas? He sounds…drunk.”

 

“Wha?!” Dean practically screamed as he half wrestled a drunk Castiel, trying to keep him pinned to the ground and quiet while attempting to carry on a civilized conversation with his mom. “Everything’s ok! Just…just..” he grunted as Cas elbowed him in the ribcage, wriggling free of Dean’s grip and running off towards the water. Dean watched, defeated, as Cas got all his clothes wet in the salty water and hummed “Wrecking Ball” loudly to himself whilst dancing like a white middle aged dad at a barbecue. 

 

_I swear that I will never, ever, let Cas within a 5 mile radius near any alcohol again._

 

“Dean?” Mrs. Milton inquired, a frown in her voice. 

 

“Uhhhhhhh….hey Mrs. Milton! Um- can you call back later? It’s _really_ not the best time, I’ve-”

 

“Dean.”

 

“-got..something to take care of and-”

 

“Dean.”

 

“-it’s _quite_ important and if I don’t I’m pretty sure that thing I have to take care of will end up drowning himse-”

 

“Dean!”

 

“What?!”

 

“Anna. She woke up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the John Winchester storyline is over! I’m glad, because although he was fun to write, I think I used him too much as the cause of conflict, and I’m tired of him and I’m pretty sure y'all are too. 
> 
> Also, Cas was a mess this chapter. I got to write two completely different and weird sides of him, and Dean was kind of like the one who took care of him, which was also weird because I suppose you realize how much of a mother hen the guy is even though he’s all tough and cool and wears a leather jacket. 
> 
> I’m rambling and I have no idea why I wrote the two paragraphs above, but anywhore, next update is next Monday like usual, the 22nd of September :)
> 
> Please please please comment, and see y'all next time!


	18. April 15th, 6:01:32 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE NEVER DRUNK BEFORE AND IM LEGALLY NOT ALLOWED TO AND I DID RESEARCH BUT I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE IF I WROTE ANYTHING WRONG. SAME GOES WITH BRAIN INJURIES LIKE IM NOT A DOCTOR SO IF YOU ARE OR SOMETHING AND SEE A PROBLEM WITH HOW I WROTE ANNA’S INJURY TELL ME.
> 
> ALSO THIS WAS CLUMSILY AND MESSILY AND HASTILY WRITTEN IM VERY SORRY YOU GUYS DONT KNOW HOW BUSY I AM AND ITS SO HARD KEEPING UP WITH THE EVERY WEEK SCHEDULE

Maybe drinking that much wasn’t _really_ a good idea. 

 

Cas shook his head woozily, his fogged up brain attempting to comprehend all the rush that was going on and about. After getting the news from his soulmate that Anna had woken up, Cas had sobered up a little, but he could still feel the vodka snaking its freaky little hand inside his head, attempting to gain control over his wits. His wet clothing dripped out water almost rhythmically, and the Milton really regretted going into the water at the beach.

 

The only thing that he was really aware of was Dean, and the burger and bottled water that Dean had bought for him and ordered him to eat before they got to the hospital on the way to ease his drunkness. He chewed at the burger slowly, and was about to just throw it out the window cause it tasted so awful mixed with the alcohol that Cas could still taste, until the Winchester parked the car and turned to stare at him. Cas hastily took a big swig of the water and shoved a huge bite of the burger into his mouth to appease his boyfriend, looking out of the corner of his eye to realize that they were in the hospital parking lot. 

 

Dean sighed, running his fingers through his hair, and Cas could see, even through his foggy state of mind, that Dean was tired. He was oh so tired. Not of Anna’s situation, or Cas’s, or even his own. He was tired of life. And Cas knew that his soul mate thought that every time something good happened, it was always going to be shattered with something bad. 

 

The terrible thing was that Cas was starting to think that too. 

 

What was going to happen later? After this? Anna had woken up, and she was going to be fine, but there was always always always going to be something else, another shoe to drop. 

 

And Cas knew that he should've been overjoyed that Anna had woken up, and he was. Really. But he was also weirdly miserable and…scared of what was to come next.  What if she was different? She _had_ had a head injury, after all. What if she woke up and she couldn't remember a thing? What if she woke up and was unable to walk again? What if she woke up aS A DEMON WHO WAS POSSESSING HER AND NOW THAT DEMON WAS PLANNING ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD WITH HER AS A VESSEL?

 

_Wow, I really need to stop watching weird TV shows._

 

Cas quickly continued to inhale his burger to make his soul mate feel better, and Dean opened his mouth when the Milton finished it and was starting on his water. 

 

“First of all, calm down.”

 

“Wha ya talkin’ ‘bout?” he asked, taking a break from gulping his water down to frown at his boyfriend, wincing slightly at his own dialect. The Milton looked down and noticed that he was clutching the door handle, knuckles were turning white, and he quickly removed his hand and shook it. Cas let out a not at all convincing breathy laugh as he watched the Winchester raise his eyebrows at him. “I’m _totally_ calm.”

 

Warmth radiated from his other hand and the blue eyed boy slowly realized that Dean had taken his hand, and despite everything, he felt giddy. Cas leaned forward, trying to kiss Dean but ended up missing and ended up giving him an awkward peck about an inch from his lips. They stayed like that for a moment, wrapped up in each other. The Winchester laughed softly, rubbing his back through his damp shirt. 

 

“Hey, angel?”

 

“Yah?”

 

“We should probably go see your sister.”

 

“Oh…right.”

 

Taking a shaky breath, telling himself to _stop being so nervous goodness gracious_ , Cas took a long swig of his water in a final attempt to sober up a little and stepped out of the Impala, stumbling a little. Dean took his hand and wrapped it with his, more for support so Cas didn't topple over in his state than romantic reasons. 

 

They reached the door, and Cas nervously let go to scratch at his arm and force a smile at Dean as he opened the door for him. 

 

Dean nudged him gently in a comforting gesture, and took his hand again as they climbed the stairs. 

 

“Oh, and Cas?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“So…legally you're not allowed to drink.”

 

“Yup.”

 

“Well, and the fact that you have is basically my fault.”

 

Cas nodded slowly, letting out a sly smirk at Dean. “Basically.”

 

“Well…” Dean paused, staring ahead as he pretended to be thinking about where to turn next to get to Anna’s hall even though they had visited her room millions of times before, and could probably get there blindfolded. 

 

“Could you not, um,” Dean turned, his face turning a shade redder and looking slightly embarrassed, “well, try to _not_ tell your parents about the whole vodka deal?”

 

The Milton breathed out a laugh, appreciating that Dean was bringing up another lighter topic to not freak him out, whether it was deliberate or not. 

 

“I’ll attempt to not show it, but the fact that you have to hold my hand to keep me steady really says a lot about our chances of them not finding out. Also, they’re going to wonder why I’m all wet.”

 

Dean smiled, letting go as they stopped in front of Anna’s room door. They both stood there for a moment, silence hanging heavy in the air. 

 

Cas cleared his throat, raising his hand to pick at his nails out of force of habit. Dean didn't slap his hand away this time, just looked at him. 

 

“I should be..really happy. Giddy. Overjoyed.”

 

Dean waited for him to continue as the Milton paused, looking for the right words. 

 

“I should be. But I don’t know, Dean. I’m just..scared. What if she’s not my sister anymore? She has a major head injury. Or since she was in a car accident and almost died and everything, what if she’s traumatized and isn’t…Anna? Shit like this can really affect people’s mental health.”

 

“Well, Cas,” Dean replied, looking thoughtful and wistful as he stared at the door. “whatever happens, she’s still going to be your sister. And whatever type of person she is now, whether it’s the same or not, you’re going to have to face it sooner or later. You can’t run away or ignore your problems. Or just push people away.”

 

“Wow.” he breathed, “The Dean Winchester I met in the coffee shop would never say that.”

 

Dean huffed a soft laugh, replying that he wasn’t anything close to that Dean Winchester now, and stepped forward to press one wide open palm to the door. Cas watched, his heart beating rapidly even though he kept on telling himself to _quit freaking out Jesus Christ._ The Winchester turned his head to look at Cas, his eyes asking a question. 

 

_Ready?_

 

Cas nodded slowly, and Dean opened the door. 

 

The first thing that they heard was a voice that the neither of them had heard in two weeks yell out cheerfully. 

 

“Guess who’s back bitchesssss!!!!”

 

Cas let out a sob and ran forward to hug his sister, tripping over his own feet in the process and quickly standing up, waving away Dean’s hand and threw himself into her arms. 

 

As soon as he hugged her though, she cringed a little at the cold water clinging to his clothes, and then took a long dramatic sniff. 

 

“Have you been drinking?!”

 

Cas let out a hysterical laugh as relieved tears leaked down his cheeks, too caught up in the moment to care.

 

“Dean! What did you give him?” Anna inquired as Dean leapt forward to elope her in a embrace as well. Cas’s parents stood to the side, smiling. 

 

“Just half a bottle of vodka.”

 

Mr. and Mrs. Milton’s smiles were quickly replaced by looks of alarm.

 

“WHAT?!”

 

****************************************

 April 22nd, 12:17:59 PM

 

Cas hummed, smiling as he looked around Anna’s hospital room. It had been a week since Anna had woken up out of her coma, and things were normal- other than the fact that Anna was still in the hospital. Anna was taking her classes online, and she wasn't having too much trouble, since she was going to be an actress and tour the world when she got older, and was really quite smart. 

 

However, she had trouble with little things, like balance and remembering things that happened a while ago, and also she had headaches. She wasn’t allowed out of her bed without a wheelchair, and had to stay there all day, much to her ferocious irritation. The doctor said that time and therapy would heal everything, adding that her recovery was surprisingly fast. 

 

A miracle, they called it.

 

Cas wasn’t so sure. 

 

There was still that eerie feeling, like something was going to happen, the other shoe was going to drop soon and Anna was going to turn out to be Lucifer in disguise or a shapeshifter-

 

_OK, I really need to stop watching weird TV shows._

 

His parents had taken a break, they were currently at home taking a well deserved nap- or doing something _else_ that they probably hadn’t done in a while, Dean had joked, and the Milton siblings had shoved him- and Dean, Cas, and Anna were planning on hanging out in her room since Anna wasn’t allowed to get out of her bed yet, and making fun of crappy TV shows whilst eating the terrible hospital food for lunch that Anna had to eat. The soul mates ended up eating the crappy hospital food with her so Anna didn't feel bad; they were just in the middle of yelling at the teenager in the Spanish soap opera that no one understood to make out with the 4 year old in the street (they were the tiniest bit hyper, to say the least) when a knock came on the door. 

 

Brown hair poked out from the door and Sam Winchester’s grinning face came into view. Cas hadn't really seen the youngest Winchester much lately, and, he realized as Sam walked in with the same pie he had gotten Dean when he was in the hospital, the future lawyer had never met Anna. 

 

Sam gave a little wave to his brother and Cas as he handed the pie to Anna, whose bed was in the sitting position as always, smiling warmly at her. 

 

“Hi, I’m Sam. I’m Dean’s brother.” Anna nodded in recognition, smiling, “I heard that you woke up and didn't knew what to get you as a ‘congratulations for not dying’ gift, so I hope you like pie.”

 

Anna welcomed the gift with enthusiasm, laughing and replying, “I’ve heard about you! Pain in the ass little brother who’s a bitch to raise and wants to be a lawyer.”

 

Sam was quick to shot back, grinning good-naturedly and remarking, “And I’ve heard about _you,_ preppy redhead twin who hacks into websites for fun and is really aggressive about not being able to cut tomatoes.”

 

Anna turned to glare at Dean, who held his hands up in surrender. “You were getting really angry about cutting those tomatoes when I came over for dinner the first time.”

 

They laughed, and soon ended up sitting on the moving the chairs so they formed a sort of circle around Anna’s bed, sharing the pie in paper plates and spoons. Despite everything, Cas felt tense, wound up. 

 

_It can’t be over_

 

_It can’t possibly be over_

 

_There’s going to be another crisis_

 

_There always is_

 

“So, Cas,” he heard Sam say, and the blue eyed boy snapped out of his thoughts, “what’s up with your name?”

 

Cas smiled, he had been asked this millions of times, and he knew that Sam didn't mean any harm by it. He took a bite of his pie and chewed for a moment before answering. 

 

“My parents are really religious. Castiel is the angel I’m named after. That’s why Dean calls me angel all the time.”

 

“You guys think it’s romantic,” the oldest Winchester interjected, “but really I’m just making fun of his horrible name.”

 

The redhead laughed as she watched her brother shove his soul mate playfully, then winced. Cas saw Sam give her a look out of the corner of his eye, and she nodded subtly, messaging her temples. 

 

Anna had recovered quickly, but after all, she _had_ had a head injury and had been in a coma for two weeks. She couldn’t stand up or walk for too long, and she complained of terrible headaches that raged on forever. She also couldn't remember a lot of things, yesterday a nurse had told her to shower immediately, and when the nurse came back 2 hours later to check up, Anna still hadn't showered. When asked about it, Anna claimed that she had never told her. 

 

It made Cas, and everyone really, uncomfortable, seeing those little instances. It reminded them that the redhead, however cheerful and like herself she acted, was still, well, damaged. 

 

However, Anna was Anna, and she did not let her suffering define who she was. 

 

“Anna is the Latin translation of the Greek word grace, as in an angel’s grace.” the redhead explained as she slowly chewed on a piece of pie, “Also, Anna comes from the Angel Anabiel, who-”

 

She was interrupted by Cas snorting, “For the thousandth time, you weren’t named after Anabiel!”

 

“I _totally_ was!”

 

The blue eyed Milton rolled his eyes, retorting, “Mom and Dad have told us that you’re named after the word that means grace, not the angel. It’s just a coincidence that that Angel’s name is similar to yours.”

 

“Um, excuse me, guy who was named after the _Angel of Thursdays_ , but just because you have a lame angel name doesn't mean you have to rain on my parade.” she replied, getting heated and glaring at her twin.

 

Sam laughed loudly, “I’m sorry man, but Angel of Thursdays. Really?”

 

Cas ignored him, “You just _wish_ you were named after her, because you think she’s so cool…”

 

“Well, she _is_ the cabalistic angel that,” Anna paused and clenched her jaw, and Dean gave Cas a look to back off because it seemed like she was getting too worked up for the good of her own brain, “invokes to cure stupidity! So she literally just comes down when someone’s talking bull, grabs their face, and just tells them to shut up. Is that not,” she was almost yelling now, waving her hands in the air, and Sam attempted to grab her arm to calm her down to no avail, “the greatest thing,” she was going crazy, basically screaming at the wall, “ _ever?!?!_ ”

 

There was an awkward silence as Anna breathed heavily, her face a combination look of hysteria and pain. Dean, who was sitting to the right of Cas, and Sam, who was sitting across the couple, had identical looks of alarm on their faces. It was the same face that people had when a crazy person had a breakdown or attack of some sort. Cas was feeling quite scared himself, as he stared at his sister. 

 

No, not sister. 

 

_This isn't my sister._

 

_It’s a broken girl pretending to be my sister._

 

The other shoe had dropped. 

 

Or so he thought. 

 

The other shoe _really_ dropped when Anna’s doctor followed by two policemen entered the room. 

 

“Anna? The driver that hit you in the accident, he’s in the visitor’s prison room right waiting for you.”

 

“What?” the redhead Milton replied breathily, staring ahead at the wall with a faraway expression.

 

“He wants to apologize. You don’t have to meet him if you want.”

 

Of course, she said.

 

Of course I do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, I lied, I’m really going to close up the John Wincester story next chapter. I just thought it was fitting for Anna and him to meet. 
> 
> Please please please comment, and see you next week! I’ll be updating on the 29th :)


	19. April 22nd,1:05:28 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really rushed chapter and I literally didn't have any time to proofread it, so if you find mistakes, I'm sorry, and please point them out to me so I can fix them :)

Anna nervously tapped her foot against the hard cold floor, digging her finger nails into the armrest of the chair. The prison visiting room wasn't very friendly. Water dripped rhythmically somewhere to the right, and a clock that was pinned to the wall ticked.

 

Tick.

 

Tock.

 

Tick.

 

Tock.

 

Tick.

 

Tock.

 

She stared at a gravy stain on her hospital gown, attempting too hard to focus on something else than this. 

 

_This._

 

There was a man sitting in front of her, a man who looked hard and sad and desperate. He had scruff growing on his chin, and years of acting school told her that the way he carried himself and tremors of his hand were side effects of alcoholism. 

 

_Figures_

 

There were guards waiting right there, she knew, in case he tried anything, but she also knew he wouldn’t. He didn't seem like the type to. The man finally spoke, and Anna kept her eyes pinned to the ground. She had agreed to go, but it was hard facing the man who had almost killed you and left you with a head injury to haunt you for the rest of your life. 

 

“My name is John Winchester.”

 

Her head snapped up then, unable to resist. The redhead stared at the man in shock.

 

“John…Winchester?!”

 

_Nononononono_

 

_It has to be a coincidence._

 

_It’s a coincidence._

 

_Right?_

 

The criminal nodded.

 

“Dean’s father. I’ve met your brother.” A hint of bitter amusement passed in his eyes. “Nice boy.”

 

Anna took a deep breathe, glaring down at her knuckles that were turning white from clutching her hospital gown in an effort to contain herself. This was Dean’s dad, the person who she had grown to love as a brother. This was Sam’s dad, the cute kid who she had just met but had started to grow fond of. This was Cas's possible future father-in-law, and that piece of information sent her over the edge. 

 

John saw her expression, and hurried talking on in a rush. 

 

“Listen, girl, I set up this meeting to tell you how sorry I-”

 

Anna put up her hand- which took quite a big effort, mind you, considering- to silence him, and the Winchester father closed his mouth in an instant. 

 

The Milton’s raging headache returned with a great intensity, and Anna heard herself groan in pain as she massaged her temples. John looked on in alarm, turning around to stare at the guards, who were standing, expressionless.

 

_Don’t freak out_

 

_Don’t freak out_

 

_Find your chill, Anna_

 

She glared daggers at him whilst in immense pain, driven over the edge by him. Just plain him. 

 

She didn't want to see him. What was she thinking? Why had she agreed to come see him? Anna wasn’t ready to face him, and would never be. 

 

A grunt emitted from her mouth as the 19 year old clenched her hand into a fist, thumping it onto the table. Her headache was pulsating now, through her head, her veins, her bones, her whole body. It was unbearable, and Anna let out something between a scream and a sob as John Winchester stood up, alarm. She faintly heard the guards run forward and one of the guards, the tall dark one, gently placed a hand on the small of her back, barely touching her fiery hair. 

 

“Ma’m? Are you alright?”

 

Tears clouded her vision as she let out another hysterical sob, pointing at the repulsive man standing in front of her. 

 

_I will not punch him_

 

_I will not punch him_

 

_I will not punch him_

 

She was dragged out of the room after giving the Winchester father a bloody nose, as he just stood there, shocked.

 

Anna never saw him again. 

 

And who cares? She didn't want to. 

 

 

**May 2nd, 6:13:49 PM**

 

Dean hummed tunelessly, feeling his soul mate’s fingers run through his hair. He was reading the last Harry Potter book with his head on Cas’s lap while Cas was staring at the ceiling, muttering something about pericardial effusion or whatever under his breath. Probably some doctor thing. 

 

The soul mates were chilling at the Winchester house, something that they rarely did because they were always at the hospital, and Sam and Jess were sitting on the couch next to them, playing video games. 

 

Dean’s long legs were resting on Jess’s lap, and moved whenever she turned to aggressively brutally murder an enemy in the game. The girl might’ve been all blonde, beautiful, and extremely delicate looking, but she was fierce. She was the opposite of Dean’s little brother’s gentle and quiet nature. That’s probably why Sam loved her. 

 

Cas turned to grin down at his boyfriend, and bent down to press a lazy kiss to his lips. Dean reciprocated thoughtlessly without taking his eyes off his book. 

 

Brushing his boyfriend’s hair off his forehead and watching it fall backward, the Milton murmured, “We haven’t done this in forever.”

 

He was right. It had been roughly 3 weeks since Anna had woken up, and they had been going spending all their time at the hospital ever since. Even though ever since Anna had came back from meeting John, she refused to talk or do much, they still, along with Sam and even Jess after she found out, hovered over the redhead like worried over protective parents. 

 

Anna had eventually gotten sick of them -honestly, who could blame her- and the Milton parents had kindly asked them to “get a life outside of Anna’s room please”, so they had come to hang out in the Winchester house. It felt good though, no complaints. Really good. It was great to have some time to themselves to do nothing and stress over nothing. 

 

Dean sighed contently, taking Cas’s palm and pressing it to his own, comparing them. Dean’s hands were wider but shorter, his fingers stubbier than his boyfriend’s; Cas’s hands were long and thin, and he had fingers that piano players would die to have. The Milton smiled, more with his eyes than his mouth, when he saw what Dean was doing, intertwining his fingers into Dean’s and squeezing, and they both ignored the call of “Get a room you two!” by Sam. 

 

Cas bent down so that Dean’s nose was almost touching his, and gave him a small smile. His blue orbs sparkled and shone in contrast to his pale face, making them even more noticeable and beautiful than they already were. Dean breathed out, “We should do this more often.”

 

“Mmmm…” Cas replied, studying Dean’s face. He did that often, and when the Winchester had asked him why he did, Cas had told him it was because he was trying to count his every freckle and whenever Dean got embarrassed and looked away, which was every time Cas looked at him for more than 10 seconds, he had to start over. 

 

Jess laughed, breaking them out of their trance. Cas blinked rapidly, jerking his head up and turning to look at Jess, who was grinning widely at them.

 

“Aren’t y'all here because it’s Sam’s birthday? Y'all are just canoodling on the couch!” Jes said, laughing.

 

Dean shrugged, “We’re actually mostly here because Cas’s sister got sick of seeing our faces, but whatever helps you sleep at night, Sammy.”

 

He caught the controller Sam threw at him with one hand, giving him his shit-eating grin and throwing it back effortlessly. Attempting to make an effort to pay attention to the video game that his brother and girlfriend were playing, he got his head up from Cas’s lap, swinging his legs over to sit properly on the couch and stare at the TV screen. 

 

It was some lame ass girly old racing game that involved two Italian brothers or something. 

 

“Sam, I’m extremely sorry I couldn't get you a gift, you know how bad Anna-”

 

“Shut it, Cas,” came the reply, and Dean was slightly impressed at how his brother could remain so transfixed on the screen and carry on a conversation at the same time, “you know I don’t give two hoots about gifts, so quit apologizing and go order pizza or something.”

 

Cas smiled softly, and handed his phone to Dean, with instructions to call the pizza man whilst he made the cake in the kitchen. Dean obliged with a warning to his boyfriend that the only thing they had in there was tons of alcohol- which he was _no way in hell_ giving to Cas-, a half loaf of bread, spoiled milk,and if they were lucky, some cheese laying around somewhere. Cas told him that he had gotten the groceries already and to just “call the pizza man Danny”, and escaped to the kitchen before Dean could do any bodily harm to him for calling him that _awful_ nickname. 

 

Pizza man called, Dean followed Cas into the kitchen to find him mixing whatever the hell he was mixing in a bowl (which, did they even _own_ bowls? Where the hell did Cas get that from?) with his back turned to the Winchester. He was humming something, probably some old Beatles song, and Dean grinned, sneaking up behind his soul mate and wrapping his arms around him. Cas jumped, then melted under the touch as he continued to stir. 

 

“Need help?”

 

The Milton shook his head, his grin turning into frown for a microsecond. It was gone as soon as it appeared, but it was there alright, and Dean caught it. 

 

He sighed, placing his palms around Cas’s waist and forcing him to turn around and look at him in the eye. 

 

“You need to quit worrying about your sister. She’s fine, she’ll be fine. The doctor said that this is normal.”

 

Cas huffed, cupping Dean’s face with his own and leaning forward to touch his forehead against his boyfriend’s. 

 

“I know…I just…”

 

“You worry too much. You’re so wound up.”

 

The Milton groaned softly, muttering a “I know, I know,” under his breath, and continued on to whisper, “I don’t know, Dean. It’s just that…I’m scared that something’s going to happen if I’m not with her all the time. Protecting her.”

 

Dean fiddled with the buttons of the trench coat Cas always wore, sighing for what seemed like the millionth time this week alone.

 

“You’re such a control freak. Doing that gets you nowhere.”

 

“You’re right, I-”

 

“And Anna’s a big girl, she can take care of yourself. She’s the exact same age as you, remember?”

 

“Yeah, but she's just so innocent-”

 

Dean continued, ignoring his soul mate, “And she has your parents. You’re only 19, angel.”

 

Cas hummed in agreement, opening his eyes and giving Dean a small smile. 

 

“What would I do without you?”

 

The Winchester grinned and let go of the college student, retreating to grab a cake pan or whatever the hell they were called and placing it beside Cas in an effort to help. Cas went back to mixing the batter, and Dean sat on the counter and watched his boyfriend dart around the kitchen like he owned it, baking the cake. 

 

The Milton broke the silence roughly 30 minutes later, when the cake had been put in the oven-after the oven had been throughly cleaned of glass from bottles and scrubbed of its weird stains and smells-commenting, “I used  to bake all the time.”

 

“Used to?”

 

“Yeah,” he replied, looking at the cake in the oven wistfully and getting on the counter to sit beside Dean, “in high school. It was our thing. Mine and-”

 

“I _swear to God_ if you say Anna-”

 

Cas put his hands up in mock surrender.

 

“I told you to quit worrying!”

 

Cas groaned dramatically and banged his head on the cabinet a few times until Dean nudged him to stop. 

 

“Let’s go somewhere.”

 

“Now?”

 

“No, no,” Dean shook his head, jumping off the counter so he was for the first time, shorter than Cas. The Milton swung his legs, and Dean stepped forward to clasp his hands in his and force Cas to look at him. 

 

“Let’s run away,” he whispered, leaning forward and smushing his nose against Cas’s. “Take off for a few days.”

 

“Dean, this is not a YA novel.” Cas attempted to pull away, but Dean kissed him hard and quick and he was dazed enough to just sit there, “We can’t just do that, and-” he was cut off by another kiss from Dean, more urgent this time, and longer. Cas grumbled, not trying to pull away anymore and wrapped his arms around the base of Dean’s neck, scratching at the fine hairs there as he kissed him long and sweet. 

 

_Why don’t we do this more often?_

 

Dean emitted a slight groan, pulling away to kiss his way down to the trench coat that Cas was wearing and suddenly he was pulling off Cas’s trench coat and it fell to ground discarded and Cas was unbuttoning his shirt and holyshit were they really gonna do it in here and Cas smelled so nice like citrus and watermelons and he was down to his bare undershirt and-

 

“In case y'all forgot, we’re still in the house, and we can hear _everything_ that’s happening!” 

 

There came a eruption of laughs from the living room, and Dean was almost about to throw his shoe at them until Cas pulled back, his face bright red. Dean was really embarrassed too. 

 

_Were we really going to do that?_

 

Cas’s face as he picked up his trench coat and put it back like nothing had happened said that he was thinking the same thing, and Dean avoided his gaze as he buttoned his flannel plaid shirt back on. 

 

The Milton turned and opened the oven to check on the cake even though there was no way  the cake was already done, and Dean cleared his throat and spoke anyway because _what the hell._

 

“I’m serious, though.”

 

Cas closed the oven and turned to face him, frowning him. 

 

“About the taking off thing. We can go somewhere for a few days,” Dean would've normally stepped forward to take his soul mate’s hand, but he decided that right now wasn’t really a good idea, “just to take your mind off things.”

 

Cas huffed, and he didn't even need to say anything, because his face was telling Dean every single possible reason that they couldn’t.

 

Dean shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. 

 

“I don’t wanna see it, I don’t wanna hear it.”

 

“Dean…” Cas argued, in a stereotypically whiny voice. “I have college, and you have work, and there’s ten thousand commitments I have, and-”

 

He stopped when he saw his soul mate looking at him, using a look that Dean had perfected over the years as his “look at me I’m young and pretty and innocent love me and do whatever I say” look.

 

Cas sighed, and threw his hands up. 

 

“Oh what the hell?”

 

Dean grinned and kissed him again. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm building up to two scenes in which I'm really excited for y'all to read, and I have no idea why I told you that and OK I'll just shut up and say that the next update is next Monday, the 6th of October. 
> 
> Anyway, please please please comment cause that literally keeps me going (I'm not even kidding) cause I rely on y'alls feedback. Till next time! :)


	20. May 9th, 9:30 PM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean develop their relationship as Anna finds one of her own. 
> 
> Warning: This chapter includes sensitive topics like depression, thoughts of suicide, and Cas and Dean being the most adorable couple in the entire world that you will squeal and fall out of your chair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is SO SO SO SO SO SO long, ohmygosh, but I had so much I wanted to fit in here so you're welcome(??).
> 
> Also, [here's](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhCB56_kFYM) the song that Cas sings towards the end, and I strongly strongly strongly recommend listening to it while reading that scene cause it makes the experience 10000 times better. 
> 
> Enjoy! :)

Cas frowned at the GPS, turning his head and squinting at the device. It was a habit he had apparently been doing ever since he was a little kid, and a lot of people seemed to find it weird or uncomfortable; Dean however, loved it. He thought it was “adorable”.

 

“Are you sure we’re going the right way Dean?”

 

Dean nodded, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel as he hummed some classic rock song to himself. 

 

“Yup. I lived in Lawrence until I was 16, Cas. I know where we’re going.”

 

Cas hummed in agreement, returning to sipping his water and looking out at the long open road in front of them. They were only about 10 miles from their exit, and although he knew that Dean was good with this whole driving thing, Cas had had bad experiences with Google Maps and didn't really trust the program. 

 

When Dean had convinced him to “run away”, it wasn't really running away as in the YA novels where they pack with only backpacks and agree to meet at the specific ungodly time of the night and run away into the distance hand in hand while slow cheesy love songs play in the background. They told their family members that they were taking a couple days off to get their mind off things, and had packed together and drove off together in the evening the next day. Shiba was left with Anna, and the redhead and the cat had grown quite fond of each other anyway, so Shiba moved into Anna’ hospital room and they kept each other company. 

 

They didn't really realize until they had started driving that they had nowhere to go, and Cas had suggested going to Dean’s hometown, which was a long 1500 miles away, but at least that way they weren't just wondering around some random unknown city. Besides, a road trip with Dean wasn't bad at all. 

 

“Wait Dean,” Cas inquired as the thought came to him, “why did you move anyway?”

 

Dean hesitated, and the car turned quiet as Cas was struck by the realization that he had probably asked the wrong question. Minutes passed, and he eventually resumed to looking out the window, forgetting about it. 

 

_If Dean doesn't want to tell me, I don’t want to know._

 

Still, the curiosity burned away inside him, and Cas suspected that Dean could see it on his face because the Winchester eventually spoke, heaviness in his words, “After the…incident, we moved a few miles away from our old house, and we never went in that direction ever again.Mom didn't have any family in town, but when I was 16 Dad ran into her old friends and he just kind of,” he frowned, looking for the right words, “lost it. We moved here the next week.”

 

Cas nodded, at loss for what to say. Maybe going to Lawrence really wasn't the best idea, it would probably end up in Dean remembering things he wanted to forget, and hadn't the Winchester once told him that he disliked digging in the past? 

 

_I’m an idiot._

 

As if reading his thoughts, Dean grinned at him and reached over to take his hand. “Don’t worry, Cas. I’ll be fine. We’re going somewhere to get your mind off of things, right?” He nudged the 19 year old, attempting to wipe the tense look of his face. “Besides, I can show you places I used to go to. It’ll be fun.”

 

The college student forced a smile, nodding as his thoughts wandered back to Anna. He shook his head as if doing so would physically scattering the thoughts around, reminding himself that they were leaving to clear their heads for a while, and it was going to be ok, it was going to be ok, they were going to have fun.   

 

He repeated that to himself the rest of the car ride. 

 

**May 9th, 10:10 PM**

 

The boy at the front desk couldn't have been more than 21, a kid with a job in order to pay for whatever he needed: college, rent, porn. He smirked when Cas gave him his card and asked for a room with one bed, but didn't say anything other than asking them where they had come from as an attempt at friendly small talk. When they replied that they were from Boston, he raised his eyebrows, but didn't ask the question he was so obviously wondering. 

 

Why would you from a city like Boston go on vacation to one like Lawrence?  

 

They grabbed their key and settled into their room in minutes; neither of them had too many bags to bring since they were only staying for a couple days. The motel room was small, but it was cozy and would do. The first thing Cas did was slightly frantically look for the switch, relaxing when light flooded into the room. Dean laughed softly at him as he set his backpack down. 

 

“What?” Cas huffed. 

 

“You’re so scared of the dark,” Dean commented, smiling and sitting down on the bed, “it’s funny.”

 

“Well, everyone’s scared of something, Danny.”

 

He didn't even flinch at the nickname; he must’ve gotten used to it, and Cas made a mental note to himself to think of another nickname to taunt Dean with. 

 

“Yeah, but you’re scared of the _dark_ ,” came the reply with a smirk, “that’s so…I dunno. Something a chick would be scared of.”

 

Cas didn't reply, going back to taking out his toothbrush and clothes and arranging them while Dean did the same to his. A comfortable silence fell over the room as they worked, and Cas felt uneasy. He didn't even know why. Perhaps it was just the nerves of being so far away from the hospital where anything could happen to his sister. To get his mind off of it, he turned around and gasped at something behind Dean.

 

“What?” the mechanic asked, nervously looking up at him. 

 

“Cockroach.”

 

Dean let out a scream, freezing in fear and squeezing his eyes shut.

 

Cas scoffed, turning back to continue folding his jeans. He knew that Dean was well aware of the fact that there was no cockroach, and was only doing it to amuse him. Still he said, “Dean, it was just a joke.” 

 

The mechanic relaxed, making a show of slowly turning around and smiling nervously. “Good one.” 

 

Cas nodded, lost in his thoughts, until he felt Dean press a kiss to his temple from behind. He turned red as he felt his soul mate wrap his hands around his hips, resting his chin on Cas’s shoulder. It was a hug from behind, a nice one, something that Cas appreciated because he knew that Dean was 100% aware of how much he was freaking out inside. 

 

“Come on angel,” he said, breathe hot against Cas’s skin. He hummed absently to himself as he swayed slowly, moving Cas along with him. Ever the clumsy one, the 19 year old would’ve probably fallen over if it wasn't for his soul mate holding on to him tight. “We’ve been on the road for 24 hours. We’re both tired; let’s go to bed.”

 

Cas agreed, and they were asleep in minutes, wrapped up in one another in the dark.

 

**May 10th, 9:45:21 AM**

 

It was obvious Dean was half nervous, half excited over showing Cas his hometown, and his nervous energy was bursting off of him as soon as he woke up the next day. He was jittery, moving everywhere, even more so than usual, and Cas went along with it and laughed at him as  he brushed his teeth. 

 

The first place they went to was a diner for breakfast, and Dean told him that he used to go to it with Sammy all the time. It was a small, cozy, diner, with smells of coffee and syrup wafting towards them as they entered, and a plump waitress with a southern accent greeted them as the bell jingled when they opened the door, announcing their arrival. There wasn’t packed, but not empty either, just the right amount of people eating there, and the couple sat down at an empty booth. 

 

“Hey, it’s Tuesday!” Dean announced, looking at the special, “Pig n’ a poke. I used to have this all the time when I went with Sam, and he used to have a short stack. ”

 

Cas smiled at him, and nudged his soul mate’s foot with his under the table shyly. Dean grinned back at him, and the waitress who had greeted them earlier arrived at their table with a pen poised over an order pad. “Ya ready, boys?”

 

Dean nodded, saying, “Yes. I’ll have the special, a side of bacon, and a coffee.” 

 

“Make that two coffees, please, and,” he added, grinning at Dean, “a short stack.”

 

“You got it.”

 

Their food arrived quickly enough, and they soon dug in after helping clean up the sauce the waitress accidentally spilled on the floor as she was giving them their breakfast. Cas nodded enthusiastically as he bit into the pancake, mumbling out, “It’s very good,” to appease Dean through his mouthful of pancakes. They ate as Dean talked about all the places he wanted to show Cas, the old park where he and Sam used to play at, an arcade that they used to love going to when they were kids and John had given them a little bit more money than they needed, and the mall where he used to go to when he got bored and had nothing to do, and many more. Cas was content with listening intently, and it was funny; he had known that Dean had obviously existed before they met, but now he was struck by all the things that Dean used to do and the places he used to go to and the breakfast foods he used to love eating in little diners, that he realized that he didn't really know all of Dean at all. And he wanted to. He wanted to know everything about him. 

 

Dean was talking about a record shop 5 minutes from their motel when he stopped mid sentence and stared at something behind Cas. His face was neutral, slightly amused at the least, and Cas turned around to see a beautiful woman around Dean’s age making friendly conversation to the cashier. She had brown hair, and was curvy in all the right places, and Cas frowned and turned back to look at his soul mate. 

 

“Dean?”

 

“Wha? Oh, sorry, Cas.” He blinked, taking a sip of his coffee when he saw the uncomfortable look on his Cas’s face, explaining, “that’s Lisa. I knew her in high school. I didn't know she was still here, I didn't see her when we came in.”

 

“Oh.” Cas turned around to look at the woman again, this time with newfound curiosity. “Go say hi then, why don’t you? Catch up with her.”

 

Dean shook his head, smirking, “That’s really not the best idea, Cas. She was a _very,_ uh, close friend.”

 

The bell jingled as Lisa left the diner, heading in the opposite direction of their motel. 

 

Cas squinted at Dean. “Close friend, huh?”

 

He nodded, and waited until Cas took a bit of his pancake a few seconds later to add, “I lost my virginity to her.”

 

Cas choked, legitimately choked, on his food, and he would've probably died if it weren't for the water that he gulped down quickly to clear his throat of the obscuring food. 

 

“ _What?!”_

 

I said, I lost-”

 

“I know what you _said,_ Dean!”

 

“Hey, hey,” the Winchester said, reaching over take his boyfriend’s hand, “calm down. I’m not a virgin. Big surprise.”

 

“Uh, yeah, big surprise!”

 

“Wait,” Dean frowned, scrunching his eyebrows together, “you thought I was a virgin?”

 

Cas nodded, slightly hysterical, and Dean clutched his hand tighter.

 

“Everyone’s a virgin until they meet their soul mate, Dean. Everyone.” He knew he was overreacting, freaking out a little too much. He kept on telling himself that it didn't matter, Dean was his now, and that was the past, but it didn't stop him from feeling a little sick. 

 

_Coming here was a bad idea. We should just go back._

 

Dean stood up and Cas was scared he was going to leave, but of course he didn’t, he slid into the seat next to Cas rather than across him like before, and turned around to face him. Dean looked serious, a contrast to his cheery mood just minutes before, and his green eyes shone brighter than ever as he leaned forward and touched his forehead to his boyfriend’s. No one paid them any mind, everyone doing their own thing, and Dean laughed softly. 

 

“Hey. That was a long time ago. I was a self loathing 16 year old bastard who didn’t care shit about soul mates. That was then,” and Dean leaned back and cocked his head, grinning at him like he was the most precious thing in the world, “and this is now.” 

 

Cas kissed his boyfriend softly, cupping his face, not pulling back until he heard a costumer good-naturedly yell at them to “get a room, princesses!” 

 

They walked out of the diner hand in hand. They had places to see. 

 

**May 14th, 6:20:45 PM**

 

Cas had the best time he had ever had in his life with Dean in Lawrence. Truly. At first he was still a little tense, his nerves shaken about what with the whole Lisa incident and he was still slightly freaking out over Anna back home, but the more they went around town the better he felt. At the end he had practically forgotten about everything. 

 

They went to every possible place they could go to in Lawrence, the park where they lay on the grass and look at the sky, laughing so hard that they couldn't breathe when Cas found a cloud that legitimately looked like a penis, the arcade that when they arrived they played a few games until they got bored and eventually got kicked out of the place for making out in the back  corner, the tiny mall where they just spent time in the food court, not even caring about the dingy little shops selling overpriced products. 

 

Basically, Cas got to see sneak peaks of Dean’s life before, and he enjoyed every little one. Dean showed him his old high school, telling him about the multiple fights and suspensions back then, joking that everyone in the school had probably threw a party when they found out he had moved. It looked like a typical little high school, and Cas imagined teenager Dean walking the halls there. It was a hard to do so, even though he had seen pictures of Dean when he was in high school due to Sam showing him their yearbook that Sam had made Dean buy back then, but rather because it seemed like the Dean he knew now was so much different than the Dean he knew before. The Winchester was in the middle of recounting the tale of how he had broke some guy’s nose because he had called his dad a drunk deadbeat, when it happened. 

 

They were going back to the motel and were planning to have a night in, grab some takeout and watch a movie or something. It was their last day in Lawrence, and they were due to drive 1500 miles the next 2 days, so Cas had told Dean that staying out wasn't the best idea. 

 

They drove past a place, a cemetery, on their way back from the high school, when Dean stopped mid word to slow down and stare at it. Cas turned to look, frowning. This was not their usual route, they had never been in this specific cemetery before, and judging by the look on Dean’s face, he had probably been deliberately avoiding it. Dean blinked, clearing his throat and his face of the wistful and…mournful look he wore, and continued driving at normal speed. 

 

“So anyway, what happened next was that I lunged at the guy, yanno, kind of like-”

 

“Dean.”

 

“Yeah?

 

“The cemetery.”

 

“What about it?”

 

He kept his face neutral, staring ahead at the road as he turned the steering wheel, but Cas could see past all of his bullshit. 

 

“You know what I’m asking, Dean," he sighed.

 

“It’’s nothing. Really.”

 

“I know it’s something. You can tell me, you trust me don’t you?”

 

“Of course I trust you,” Dean replied instantly, and his tone turned defensive, “you know I do. Don’t ask stupid questions.”

 

“Then…?”

 

Dean huffed out a long breath, tapping his fingers rhythmically on the steering wheel as he scratched at the back of his right knee. It was a nervous tick that he had unconsciously developed after the glass had been taken out of there and his stitches were gone, and Cas was always getting onto him about it like Dean got onto him about his nail biting. 

 

“My mom’s buried there.”

 

“Oh.” Cas paused, searching for the right words. “Don’t you want to go and see her?”

 

Dean shrugged, replying, “I’ve never visited her grave.”

 

The Milton was shocked. “Really?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

No one spoke for a while after that, and Dean was just pulling into the motel’s parking lot when Cas said, “Let’s go now.”

 

“What?”

 

“Now. Let’s go to her grave now.”

 

“Cas,” Dean huffed, “I can’t.”

 

“Why can’t you?”

 

“Cause…I just _can’t_ ok? I dunno.”

 

The Milton frowned, absentmindedly tapping his fingers on the window, a habit he had picked up from Dean. 

 

“Are you scared?”

 

“Why would I be scared?”

 

“You’re scared, I can tell. It’s too painful for you to visit her after all these years and you’re scared you're going lose it. “

 

“I’m not-”

 

“Don’t lie,” Cas scoffed, rolling his eyes. 

 

Dean rubbed at his face, sighing and then turning around the car. “To the cemetery it is.”

 

**********************

 

Cas had been to a cemetery once, when his grandpa had died of a heart attack, and he had hated it. He had been only 5 at the time, not old enough to really understand what was going on, and he had never been close to his grandpa at all anyway. He vaguely remembered his mom crying, the miniature black suit and tie he had been forced into having been extremely uncomfortable, holding Anna’s hand, and having to listen to the millions of adults there who told his parents that they were “sorry”.

 

He wasn't experienced with the concept of death at all because he had never had anyone close to him die, and he felt uneasy as he walked with Dean past all the graves to his mother’s, whose was in the very far back of the cemetery. The Milton shuddered as he thought of all the people underneath those stones, just lying there, long gone. Their flesh had probably decomposed already, their only remains skeletons. Cas knew that he had to get used to the idea of death, he was going to be a heart surgeon after all, but he still couldn't help but attempt to push the thought of it out of his mind. 

 

Rows of tombstones stood erect in silence to the left and right, in front and behind, like a sea of the dead. Some were crumbled with the weathering of centuries, some were smooth marble with new black writing and laid with floral tributes. Most though, were overgrown and unkempt, for now even their mourners had joined them under the clay soil. There was a hill which upon it a new grave had been dug to await it's new occupant. The black hearse slowly wended it's way down the central lane followed by a procession of black limousines.

 

Dean kept a poker face, walking in front of him with a steady pace and looking straight ahead at his path. He had a haunted look in his eyes, Cas observed when Dean turned around to check if his boyfriend was still there, the kind of one where you're still scared and miserable and would give anything not to be. But it was there. And it kind of broke Cas’s heart. 

 

The Winchester suddenly stopped in front of a grave, and Cas kept walking, bumping into him. He would've fell over if it weren't for Dean grabbing his shoulder and steadying him, and Cas moved to stand beside Dean, staring at the stone. 

 

It was a very old stone, and a simple one, a short rectangle that was curved at the top and it stated, “MARY WINCHESTER” in worn out letters. The dates of her birth and date were written below her name, and lines curled in decoration at the ends. It looked old and sad, crumbled due to decades of weathering. 

 

Cas’s heart felt heavy, and he cleared his throat to get rid of the lump in his throat as he bent his head and looked down at his shoes in respect. Heavy silence enloped over them as Dean stood and stared at the grave, and the only sound was the faint engines of the black limousines behind them, creeping their way towards a fresh plot far from Mary’s. 

 

Minutes ticked by, and Cas looked over to see that his soul mate was crying, silent tears dripping down his face, making no effort to wipe them away. Stone-faced, Dean was clenching his jaw like he always did when he was trying to withhold emotion, and Cas watched as a single tear slid off his check into the ground, disappearing into the ground of his mother’s plot. The Milton didn't say anything, it wouldn't be appropriate to, but instead ever so lightly moved his hand so it gently brushed up against Dean’s, and Dean took his hand in his, clutching into it like some kind of life line. 

 

A sob escaped out of the Winchester’s mouth, a pitiable wrangled one; Cas decided to forget about the sacred let’s pretend that I don’t know you're crying thing they had going on and took Dean into his arms. Dean melted into him, burying his head into his chest as he let it all out. The Milton kissed the top of his lover’s soft hair, resting his chin on it as he basically supported both his and Dean’s weight. 

 

Although it was only May, a cold breeze swished through them, rattling their bones. 

 

*******************

 

They went back to the motel after Dean calmed down, and had reached out and touched the top of the stone gently, running his fingers through it before he got up, sniffed, and announced in a voice that clearly said to forget that ever happened, that he was ready to go back.

 

Sitting in silence as the couple ate their pizza- there had been nothing good on the TV- Cas looked up to smile shyly at Dean from where they were sitting across from each other on the floor, and Dean reciprocated. The 19 year old hummed absentmindedly under his breath, not really aware of what he was humming until his boyfriend suddenly looked and let out a soft bark of laughter in amusement. He stopped instantly, and frowned as he looked up.

 

“What?”

 

“ _Dude._ ”

 

“What?”

 

Dean smiled wider, a complete contrast to what he had been doing not an hour ago; Cas suspected that he was about to tease him in an effort to forget about his mother, and if that was the reason, Cas didn't care if Dean strapped him to a chair and left him alone in the dark, if it made the Winchester feel better, it was worth it. 

 

“You’re humming “The Climb”, Dean said, huffing out a laugh. 

 

Cas shrugged, taking a bite of his pizza. “Don’t hate on Miley.”

 

Dean laughed once more, throwing a wadded up napkin at him. “You’re _obsessed_ with her. You sing her songs all the freaking time.”

 

“Well,” Cas said in matter-of-factly, “she’s the Queen.”

 

“I thought Beyonce was the Queen.”

 

He smiled, shrugging, “They’re both the Queens.”

 

“They’re both _dead_. They were alive way back in the early 2000’s.”

 

“Well, at least I don’t have a passion for people who used to sing in like, the 1800’s. 

 

“It’s the late _1900’s!_ ”

 

“Who gives a _crap_?”

 

Dean barked out a laugh, asking him, “What other singers do you like?”

 

“At the moment, Tom Odell’s pretty good.”

 

“Is he a early 2000’s singer too?”

 

Cas nodded, chewing on his pizza as he attempted to remember one of his favorite songs by the guy. He looked up as Dean stood up, brushing the crumbs off of himself as he offered a hand to Cas. The 19 year old took it instantly, a bit confused as he got up as well, facing Dean so that their noses were only roughly 4 inches apart. Cas had a urge to lean forward and kiss Dean, but felt like his boyfriend had something else in mind. 

 

He was right.

 

The Winchester slowly wrapped one arm around Cas’s waist, making him shiver and rest his palms against Dean’s chest. 

 

Dean leaned his forehead onto Cas’s just like he had done before in the diner, and looked down at the blue eyed boy’s torse.

 

“You’re wearing my shirt,” he whispered, smoothing the gray AC/DC shirt of its wrinkles. It was dark in the room, Dean’s face illuminated in front of him only because of the lamp they permanently kept on. His freckles jumped out in Cas’s vision, and the Milton made a mental note to count them all. 

 

“Yeah,” Cas whispered back, “I didn't expect to be staying this long and I ran out of mine.”

 

Laughing, Dean closed his eyes and breathed out a long breath, resting his head to the side of Cas’s so his mouth was barely touching his ear. “Sing to me,” he said, his voice just below a whisper, and he kissed the spot right below his ear.

 

“What do you want me to sing?”

 

“Anything.”

 

Cas took a deep breath, he didn't like his voice much, but this was _Dean_ and he was asking him to sing for him; Cas trusted Dean with his life, and so he trusted him with not judging him for his voice. 

 

He cleared his throat and breathed the lyrics into the crock of Dean’s.

 

_“I can feel you breathing_

 

_With your hair on my skin_

 

_As we lie here within_

 

_The night”_

 

Dean pulled him tighter against his chest, and Cas moved to wrap his arms around his soul mate’s neck, getting more confident.

 

_“I’ll pull the sheets_

 

_When it’s cold on your feet_

 

_Cause you’ll fall back asleep_

 

_Every time”_

 

He felt Dean smile against his neck, and started swaying slowly in place. 

 

_“Grow old with me_

 

_Let us share what we see_

 

_And all the best it could be_

 

_Just you and I”_

 

He leaned back and opened his eyes to stare at his lover, their noses barely touching but not quite, and smiled, still moving from side to side in place. 

 

“ _And our hands_

 

_They might age_

 

_And out bodies will change_

 

_But we’ll still be the same_

 

_As we are”_

 

Cas was pretty sure this was what complete and whole happiness felt like. He let go of Dean’s neck to cup his face, mesmerized by his beauty. 

 

“ _We’ll still sing our song_

 

_When our hair ain’t so blonde_

 

_And our children have sung_

 

_We were right”_

 

Dean slowly opened his eyes and Cas let him take control of his body, swaying rhythmically. His hands circled around Cas’s hips, Dean breathed out a laugh and used to his thumb to graze his boyfriend’s hipbone.

 

“ _They’ll sing_

 

_Grow old with me”_

 

Dean started singing along with him at this point, softly whispering.

 

“ _Let us share what we see_

 

_And be the best it could be”_

 

Cas paused and pressed his lips into Dean’s for a long overdue kiss, and Dean made a content noise in the back of his throat that made Cas melt like hot butter on toast. He felt the Winchester lift him an inch off the air, and had no time to wonder how he did that so effortlessly because he was kissing Dean with everything he had left in him. Dean smelled like Dean, just the right mix of soap and gasoline, and he was everywhere, all around him. On his hips, his neck, his stomach, torso, abdomen. Everywhere. It was intoxicating, and shivers ran down his back as Cas let out a slight moan when Dean ran a hand through his hair while still holding him up and tugged just _so_. The Milton scratched at the fine hairs on the back of his soul mate’s neck, and it went on and on and on and on until Dean put him down and they realized that they had stopped. 

 

They were still holding on tightly to each other as they looked at the other and grinned. Breathing heavily, Dean huffed out a laugh- how, Cas couldn't figure out, because he was so out of breath that he was scared he was probably going to have to reach for his inhaler soon- and sighed, “Wow.”

 

Wow was right. 

 

Cas closed the gap between them to press the softest peck to Dean’s lips with his, and then pull back to smile adoringly at him. 

 

He had never been more in love , and kissed Dean's forehead before smushing his and his boyfriend's noses together as he whispered the last line. 

 

“ _Just you and I”_

 

**May 22nd, 10:33:02**

 

Acting is reacting.

 

That was the number one thing that you were told since you started theatre, and Anna had been acting and performing since she was 7 years old and was now on her way to being a theatre major. 

 

Right now, that was the most valuable piece of information that she had, because even though her family knew she was depressed and out of it, they didn't realize _how_ depressed she was. She sat there everyday, wondering about the quickest way to die, daring herself to do it.

 

She never did. 

 

It was stupid, really, to think that she was like this because of a head injury, but the head injury had left her so rattled and she didn't feel whole. Not really. She felt like she had lost a part of herself in that car, and there was something so different and weird going on inside of her that it rattled her to no end. 

 

The only company Anna had nowadays was Shiba, and the idiot ginger cat had wandered off somewhere in this colossal hospital, so who knew where the hell she might be now?

 

She was muttering curses to herself under her breath as she rolled in her wheelchair around the hospital in her gown, dodging nurses and doctors. One kind nurse, Tessa, that was her name, offered to roll her wheelchair for her, but Anna refused. She was going to be in this damn hospital until August, a few days before her birthday, and she needed to be independent. 

 

Licking her lips, Anna half heartedly called out her twin brother’s cat’s name, but no ginger ball of fur came running towards her. 

 

Damn that cat. 

 

Turning her wheelchair around, giving up, she glanced at the inside of her right wrist with the corner of her eye and gasped, doing a double take and stopping in the middle of the hallway. 

 

**Time till meeting:**

**0:0:0:0:1:01**

 

_Oh._

 

_My._

 

_God._

 

Anna had totally forgot about her soul mate completely, and she frantically looked on her phone to check the date. 

 

Yup. May 22nd.

 

_Shitshitshitshit._

 

The thing was, her soul mate was probably going to push her off when he saw her and realized how much of a pathetic loser she was, and as she looked down at herself, she really couldn't blame him- or her. 

 

She was a mess, she hadn't shaved or washed her hair in, like, forever, and she was pretty sure she smelled _repulsive_. There was a gross stain on Anna’s hospital gown that was some disgusting hospital food that she was forced to eat that she had accidentally dropped on herself, and the dark circles under her eyes were bad enough for her to join a family of raccoons. 

 

**Time till meeting:**

**0:0:0:0:0:46**

 

She almost started hyperventilating, right there in the middle of the hallway where billions of doctors and nurses and little children and worried parents were rushing about, and Tessa came back to roll her back into her room quickly without asking; Anna didn't protest because she was too busy freaking out. 

 

_Holy shit_

 

_My soul mate is going to_ _loathe_ _me._

 

_Even more than I loathe myself._

 

Anna didn't know quite why, but this soul mate of hers was getting a little too important to her for her liking, and she was pretty sure that a single person couldn't make a big difference in her world. No one could make her feel better or whole again, and she knew that with all her heart; So why was she absolutely _flipping_ out?!

 

Cas and Dean had come back from their vacation totally happy and relaxed about a week ago, and although Anna desperately wished that she could find someone who she could just drive off with and come back a few days later absolutely refreshed, that could never happen. 

 

**Time till meeting:**

**0:0:0:0:0:37**

 

She frantically looked around, her fiery hair whipping back and forth, for Shiba. That stupid cat always made her feel better, and now when Anna needed her the most, she ran off. Typical.

  
 **Time till meeting:**

**0:0:0:0:0:20**

 

_I swear to God I’m gonna murder the cat and tap dance on its grave when I find it._

 

She didn't have to look too much though, because suddenly a 20ish year old man walked past her room, holding a red ball of fur that had to be Shiba. 

 

“Wait!”

 

The man stopped, walking backwards to stand in her doorway, confused. Shiba meowed and leaped out of the man’s arms, running towards her and jumping up on her hospital bed onto her stomach. 

 

The man walked in, tilting his head and scratching at it adorably. He was cute, and Anna looked down at Shiba, embarrassed at her unwashed hair and ugly face. He had glasses, the hipster kind, but they weren't fake. Along with a head of jet black hair, he had eyes that were like two drops of coffee in a cloud of milk, and a huge colorful dragon tattoo that started 6 inches above his elbow, and snaked its way down to his wrist. He was quite tall, almost as tall as Dean, as skinny as David Tennant, and had pale skin that could be compared even to Anna’s (who was a ginger, so that was a major accomplishment).

 

**_Beep_ **

 

**_Beep_ **

 

**_Beep_ **

 

**_Beep_ **

 

Anna glanced down at her wrist in horror, barely having time to think _Duh!_ before she glanced over at the dark haired man’s timer, which was beeping as well. 

 

_Holy shit_

 

_This is what I have been waiting for my entire life_

 

The man had a display of different emotions that Anna was feeling too flash over his face in a matter of seconds. Shock, disbelief, panic, and then as he looked up to stare at her, unconfined joy. His face broke out into a wide grin, a crooked one, and he stuck out his hand. His voice was velvety and like chocolate, and Anna fell in love with him instantly. 

 

“Hi. I’m Eric Winston.”

 

She timidly reached out and shook his hand with hers, keeping his eyes on his the whole time. There was something magical about the moment; Anna wouldn't have been surprised if fairy dust started falling out of the ceiling. 

 

“Anna Milton,” she stammered out.

 

“Anna Milton,” he repeated, and the way he said her name made her melt. 

 

She blinked a little, then looked down to look at the state of herself; Anna was dazed, to say the least, a bit out of it, and was asking herself if any of this was even real. Eric Winston followed her gaze and laughed, nodding a little. 

 

“Yeah, this is a little weird place to meet in, eh?”

 

She laughed with him, really laughed, and looked up to stare into his eyes. 

 

She was whole again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve never really specified from where Cas and Dean live in, and didn't really plan to, but since they’re traveling someplace I wanted to add in the details of how much time they had drove and how many miles and stuff, so I decided on Boston. There’s no special reason for it, I just chose it cause Misha’s from there and it fits a little more than Texas, where Jensen’s from. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m from Texas, I don’t have a special loathing for it or anything. I’m rambling again now, so the next update is next week, on the 13th of October! 
> 
> Also, I've said this so so many times, but Vikti Mehta (vikti_mehta) is such a huge part in making this story that, even though she hasn't wrote this, Tick Tock would not be here without her. She has urged me to continue writing, bounced back and forth ideas with me for hours, loved the story even more than I do, and a lot of times, made me get up and write when I really didn't want to. She had told me so many times about how extremely excited she was to meet Anna's soul mate, so as a small tribute to her, I asked her to name him. She also, in a way, developed Eric Winston's personality, so this is a thing for her. Thanks, Vikti :) Rock on. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading guys! Please comment, and until next time :)


	21. May 23rd, 11:57:02 AM

 

“Should we get them a present or something?” Cas asked, turning around to squint his eyes at Dean. Dean snorted, rolling his eyes. 

 

“Yeah, totally. Let’s get them a teddy bear that says, ‘Congratulations on meeting your soulmate in a hospital room about a month after being in a car accident, and the guy who hit you is your twin brother’s soulmate! Also, you’re not gay. Yay.’ ”

 

Cas huffed, wringing his hands together and shifting in his seat. Dean knew that Cas was nervous and, he would deny this if questioned, he was too. 

 

They were in the car, on their way to visit Anna and her new soul mate, who she had squealed over the phone was a “total cutie.” Whatever that meant. She had seemed ecstatic when she had called them to give the guys the news last night: showing more emotion than she had since the accident. Anna reported that they had stayed up all night talking, and to visit them around lunchtime so they could meet this Eric. 

 

Both the boys were extremely protective of Anna; Meeting the guy that was to spend the rest of her life with and give her heart, mind, and soul to was…nerve wracking, to say the least. Dean had promised to himself that he wouldn’t interrogate the redhead’s soulmate like a overprotective father whose daughter had bought a boy home for dinner. Cas, of course, was a different story. He always was. 

 

Dean knew that Cas wasn't the type to yell at someone because of circumstances like these, but he was definitely the type to squint at them, attempting to figure the person out in an awkward stare until the receiver got uncomfortable and tried to leave. And Anna was probably _not_ going to be happy about that. 

 

“Promise me you won’t do it.” he said as they walked up the stairs together, steps eager. 

 

“Do what?” came the confused reply.

 

“ _It._ ”

 

All he got were a set of perplexed raised eyebrows in return. 

 

“The thing that you do. Yanno, man. The _thing_.” Dean frowned, attempting to explain. “With your eyes all squinty and eyebrows all scrunched up, and…and…and…that weird as hell constipated look on your face.”

 

Cas made the exact face that Dean was trying to describe. “I have no idea what you're talking about, Dean.”

 

He sighed. “Never mind.”

 

***********************

 

Eric Winston was _hot as hell ohmygod_  

 

Dean wasn’t used to thinking that about men at all; In fact, he still got flustered whenever someone pointed out that he was in a homosexual relationship because he was just not used to it. A lifetime of not even having to think about the fact that he was 100% straight was hard to erase in 4 months. 

 

But the first thing he thought when he walked into the room to see Anna and a skinny sharp cheekboned man with dark hair hipster glasses and a huge dragon tattoo was that _holy shit Anna done good_. The second thought was that he probably shouldn’t be thinking that when the guy was his boyfriend’s sister’s soul mate and he already had a soul mate who was currently standing right next to him because didn't that classify as cheating? The third one was that he should probably introduce himself instead of standing there like an idiot. 

 

“Hey,” he said, as he stepped forward to stick out his hand. Cas hung back in the doorway awkwardly, staring at Anna. Eric shook it, his grasp firm friendly. “Dean Winchester, I’m…” he smirked, winking at Anna who was currently sitting on the floor criss cross, grinning widely and looking very much like a little girl on Christmas, “Anna’s brother. Who really isn’t her brother. But might as well be. “

 

Eric laughed, throwing his head back like a little kid. “Eric Winston. Anna told me about you.” 

 

He was warm, happy. He practically shot rainbows out of his ass, he was so cheerful, and if Dean had met him before knowing Cas, he would’ve probably steered in the other direction because he didn't mingle with people like that. Now, was a whole different story. He let go of Eric’s hand, briefly turning around to look at Cas, who hadn’t said a word. He was frowning, fixated on Eric’s arm for some reason. 

 

“Called you her brother-in-training.”

 

Dean forced out a polite laugh, watching his soul mate blink a few times and stumble forward to introduce himself to Eric. 

 

Something was wrong. 

 

Cas smiled a crooked smile and shook his sister’s soul mate’s hand. “Castiel Milton, Anna’s brother.” his voice was all…weird, a little off. Dean felt uneasy, and judging by the look on Anna’s face, she did too.

 

Eric nodded, sensing the tension in the room and shifting his weight, scratching at his arm where his dragon tattoo was. It was really cool, actually, now that Dean got a better look at it, it started a little below his shoulder and whipped and snaked down its way to his wrist. It had flames erupting from its mouth, and it was oh so colorful. There was something written in small cursive letters right below its neck that Dean couldn’t read because he was standing too far away. 

 

Cas’s eyes traveled to where the tattoo was and he _did the thing with his face that Dean had literally just told him not to do goddammit could that boy not follow directions?!_ Dean realized with a jolt what was wrong.

 

The 19 year old college student was one of the nicest people that could be, then he could be one of the most blatantly judgy person who stared at someone and made them uncomfortable because he was trying to figure them out and their life choices. Everyone had their bad qualities, and this was one of Cas’s. 

 

Eric caught him staring and broke into a grin. 

 

“Oh! This old thing.” he laughed, lifting up his arm to look at it.

 

 Shiba suddenly came running out of nowhere from the door and leaped into Eric’s arm, and he grinned distractedly, petting her while she purred in pleasure, licking herself. Dean sneezed once, twice, thrice, until Cas took his cat from Eric, kissed her on her little ginger ear, and set her down out of the doorway, where she ran away to explore more into the depths of the hospital. Dean briefly thought about how annoying for the doctors and slightly dangerous it was for the cat to be running around in a hospital by herself, before Anna quietly told him that there was a special place in the hospital where pets were kept and Shiba had made a friend there, a dog named Lucy. 

 

Eric returned his attention to his tattoo, and explained to Cas, “I got this when I was 18, in honor of my little brother. He died when he was 4,” the other three in the room jumped at his words; This was something completely different to what they were expecting, “and I was 10. He used to say he wanted to be a dragon when he got older.” Anna laughed at that and he turned around, laughing with her. Despite his words, he seemed cheerful. “The little dweeb. So I got it in honor of him,” Eric continued, “It says his name under the dragon’s neck, see?”

 

Cas and Dean leaned closer, peering at the words. Written in tiny, neat, cursive, the calligraphy read “Ethan” in fancy letters. After they got a look at it, Eric kneeled down to where Anna was sitting- seeing as it hurt her head when she stood up for too long- for her to look at it. He kept an unusual smile on his face, his usually cheerful happy one, mixed with wistfulness. Dean couldn't imagine what it would be like to have a sibling die; If Sam died he would probably crumple up and die himself. 

 

“I’m so sorry,” he said, and he meant it. 

 

Eric nodded, looking up at him and standing up. “It’s cool, man.”

 

Cas let out a strange wrangled uncomfortable laugh. “Wow,” he half-whispered as he shook his head at himself, “I am an _asshole_.”

 

The tattooed smiled, nodding thoughtfully and chuckling. 

 

“No worries. Anyway, we’re all a little bit of an asshole, eh?”

 

**June 8th, 10:06:02 AM**

 

He faintly heard Cas bolt up in the bed and gasp loudly next to him, and being himself, decided to ignore it. Dean couldn't open his eyes to check what time it was because whatever it was, it was too goddamn early, and he needed to sleep. He groaned, rolling onto his stomach and hugging his pillow. 

 

“Dean!” Cas whispered fiercely, the bed creaking as the 19 year old got up from the bed. 

 

Moaning, Dean buried his face into the pillow as he attempted to ignore his soul mate shaking him in an attempt to wake him up. “Do whatever you want to me,” he mumbled, “just don’t wake me up.”

 

Cas snorted, resorting to pulling his arm now. “Dean, come on! Get up!”

 

He sighed, knowing that it was no use since his soul mate was a stubborn little shit, and blearily opened his eyes. Cas was standing over him, looking annoyed as hell, completely shirtless for some odd reason- not that Dean didn't appreciate the view- and gestured to the clock. Turning to the digital clock on his bedside table (that’s right, he remembered now. Cas had crashed at his place because they were up late marathoning Star Trek, and had gotten hot and taken his shirt off before falling asleep), Dean saw that it read 10:06 AM, and groaned, sitting up. The mechanic grabbed at his soul mate’s wrist, pleading.

 

“Aww, come on angel. It’s Saturday! Let’s go back to sleep.”

 

Cas huffed, putting back his shirt and stepping into the bathroom to start applying toothpaste on the toothbrush that he kept permanently at the Winchester house. “You forgot, didn’t you?” he asked, sighing as he started brushing. “You need to start getting ready, Dean. We’re going to be very late.”

 

He frowned, stretching and getting off of the bed. 

 

“Forgot what?”

 

Still brushing, Cas threw Dean’s toothbrush at him and the bottle of toothpaste. Dean caught it easily with one hand, knitting his brows together as he tried to put together the puzzle pieces. Nothing came to him. He mulled over it while he applied toothpaste on his brush, perplexed. 

 

Cas spit out toothpaste in the sink and continued brushing, taking a moment to cock an eyebrow at Dean.

 

“Sam? It’s his graduation today, you idiot.”

 

Dean gasped, smacking himself on the forehead.

 

_Shitshitshitshit Sam’s graduating today my baby brother’s graduating today ohmygodohmygod_

 

Shoving the brush into his mouth- they didn't have time to make breakfast anyway- Dean sprung up and attempted to run over to his closet to grab his suit for the occasion, tripping on his own feet in the rush. Cas laughed at him, finishing his brushing and closing the door halfway through. 

 

“Don’t freak too much. We still have 30 minutes before we have to get in the car.” 

 

Dean ignored him, throwing Cas’s outfit for the day to him as the Milton caught and closed the bathroom door to shower, yelling out a “And I swear if you take more than 5 minutes to shower, I will get in there and _smother_ you!” 

 

Dean sighed, rushing to the other bathroom with his slacks and button down shirt in hand. This was going to be a long day. 

 

********************************* 

 

They had gotten there late anyway because Cas had insisted on eating breakfast- _it’s the most important meal of the day, and we all know how cranky you get when you don’t have food my ass-_ and Dean was pretty sure that he broke more than a few laws driving to the ceremony.

 

 It was a big outside one, and they bolted past balloons and streamers of the school colors of the high school. It was a beautiful June morning, and as cliche as it sounds, the grass was exceptionally green and the sun was shining and students were chattering in their gowns and caps in their seats below. There was an elevated seating area overlooking the students in their chairs for the visitors; Cas and Dean ran up the stairs in an effort to get there as quickly as  possible into their seats. 

 

You were expected to be at least 10 minutes early, and here they were, bolting in about a  minute before everything started. They got a few glares from snotty parents and mothers with tears in their eyes and huge ass cameras as they shuffled into their seats, and Dean would’ve flipped them off he wasn't scared of getting kicked out of his little brother’s graduation. 

 

Speak of the devil, there he was down below, sitting in one of the rows that was farthest away from the stage due to the ceremony being organized by alphabetical order by last name. The twerp was grinning widely, and Dean nudged Cas, who was busy looking at the program. Gesturing to his brother, Dean leaned in so only Cas could hear. 

 

“Hey, how much ya wanna bet the nerd’s gonna cry?”

 

He got a light punch on his arm in return, and a laugh. 

 

“Funny you said that, actually. Sam, Jess, and I are betting over _you_ crying today.”

 

Dean snorted, rolling his eyes. “Who’s betting for what?” he asked, “and the answer better be that you're betting I won’t, or we’re breaking up.”

 

“Actually,” Cas stated, smirking. “It’s the question of when. Sam says you won’t last halfway through, I said after, and Jess has a little more faith in you and said tonight when you think no one’s there.”

 

He shoved his soul mate, and Cas laughed, leaning in to kiss him on the cheek before they heard music starting to play and a bald man in a suit get up to walk across the stage. It was starting, and Dean grasped Cas’s hand and squeezed tightly, feeling a thousand jittery excited butterflies in his stomach.

 

 _I am_ _not_ _going to cry. I_ _swear_ _to myself that I am_ _not_ _going to cry._

 

 

******************************

 

Dean cried. 

 

He started crying when Sam’s name was called to give a speech as valedictorian, tears clouding his vision, and he had no frigging clue what the hell his brother said in his speech anyway, sprouting some cliche bullshit about trying your best and a quote from some old dead guy. It didn't matter though, it really didn’t. Because they had worked so hard for this, not just Sam, but the both of them. They had worked their ass off to have Sam graduate in a dumbass cap and gown and be going to a college after, well on his way to being a lawyer. They had done this- with the help of Cas of course. 

 

The Winchester brothers. 

 

Together. 

 

Cas snapped pictures cause Dean wasn't in any state to, and the 19 year old was too gracious not to say anything about the tears in Dean’s eyes, thank God. Sam’s name was called and he got his _diploma_ , something that Dean couldn't even think of accomplishing himself, and he was so proud, so godamn proud of his pain in the ass snot nosed little brother. 

 

Finally, the students all threw their caps into the air and the band played and the ceremony was over. Students met their parents, ecstatic, taking pictures and laughing in hysterical joy. Cas and Dean walked over to where Sam and Jess were standing, smiling so wide that their smiles reached their eyes. They were sharing a kiss out there in the lawn, and Dean wouldn't admit this to anyone ever, but it was kinda cute. 

 

_It’s official, I’m turning into a girl._

 

Sam leaned back and Dean saw tears in his eyes; He took the opportunity to walk up to his brother and squeeze him in a tight hug, fully intending to knock the breath out of him. It was kind of impossible, since he had a giant of a brother, and Sam hugged back with full capacity (almost knocking the breath out of _him_ ). They stood there, hugging for a moment with Cas and Jess watching, and with a pat on the back, Dean pulled away, holding his brother at arm’s length to get a good look at him. 

 

“Sam Winchester,” he drawled, “with a frigging diploma. Who would’a thought?”

 

The youngest Winchester laughed, smiling, “You did, Dean. You thought it. I would’ve never even gotten this far without you.”

 

Dean blinked rapidly, attempting to keep the tears at bay. “Wow,” he breathed out, in an effort to navigate the conversation away from the fact that he had been crying, “who knew that being in a committed heterosexual relationship would turn you into such a _girl_?”

 

Jess caught on immediately, and smirked as Sam stepped back to hug Cas, “You’re saying that, but you’re the one who’s been crying since halfway through the ceremony, sweet cheeks.”

 

Dean hastily rubbed at his eyes and sniffed. “I’m not crying!”

 

The blonde rolled her eyes and hugged Dean, and he latched on to her. He wished he could hold on to her forever; She was kind of like the little adorable sister that he had always wished he had, and had been keeping the Winchester family happy and put together ever since Sam’s timer had beeped the first day of his sophomore year in English class. She was tiny and delicate looking; But also one of the fiercest woman you could ever encounter. Dean was glad they had her. 

 

Jess pulled back, grinning, and then turned to look at Cas and Sam, who were standing there talking about some nerdy God-knows-what. She pulled a 20 dollar bill out of her little purse and handed it to Sam; Cas did the same, and Sam smirked playfully, grabbing the two bills and putting them in his wallet carefully. 

 

“I _told_ you guys.” he said smugly. 

 

Cas let out a bark of laughter, putting up his hands in the surrender position as Jess lightly punched her soul mate good-naturedly. 

 

“Alright, alright. Don’t get too cocky now, Sammy,” said the blonde. 

 

It took a moment for Dean to catch on. 

 

"Wait, Cas wasn’t lying…you three _were_ betting on me?!”

 

He got three over-exaggeratedly innocent nods in unison. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was so short, I'm sorry! I'm preparing for a long chapter next week, so that'll be a treat(??)
> 
> Anywhore, I want to take this time to thank you guys so so so much for reading and leaving kudos and comments and whatnot. Whenever I get even one sentence for a comment, I reread it over and over again and squeal and think about it the entire day. I literally sit there and smile to myself in public because I'm thinking about how lucky I am to have such hella rad readers. Rock on, ya'll :)
> 
> Ok, ok, compose yourself, Hillary. 
> 
> Next update's next week, as usual, on the 20th of October. 
> 
> Please continue what y'all have been doing (leaving comments, reading, being awesome, etc) and I hope y'all enjoy tomorrow's new episode as well :)


	22. June 30th, 10:13:48 PM

Cas looked up at the ceiling, muttering under his breath as he tried to memorize something about the anatomy of the heart, his hand resting on Dean’s chest. He was sitting, criss cross, on the couch of his house, poring over his textbook as Dean watched TV with his head on his soul mate’s lap. 

 

Cas’s parents were staying the night at the hospital with Anna, who was recovering as fast as ever (probably had something to do with Eric being there with her all the time and telling her bad jokes whenever she was in pain), so they were alone in the house, except for Shiba. She was in the room next to where the couple was sitting, and occasionally scampered by them to go into another room. God knew what that cat was doing, but at least she wasn't insisting to sit in Cas’s lap. Dean had gotten considerably less allergic to her, if that was possible, but he still sneezed and his eyes watered up a little when she was around him. Along with her meows, the faint sound of Cedric Diggory talking in the fourth movie of Harry Potter on the TV was the only sound, along with the flipping of Cas’s textbook pages. 

 

“Hey Angel?”

 

“Hmm?” Cas asked, not really paying attention, whilst squinting at a small diagram in his book. 

 

“Do you think I’m as hot as Cedric Diggory?”

 

Shrugging, Cas blew out a small breath of frustration because he couldn’t remember the name of that _one part_. Groaning, he flipped to the previous page to find it, only to be stopped by a splay of fingers wrapping around his wrist. The future heart surgeon grimaced as he lifted his book in order to look at Dean properly, slightly annoyed.

 

Dean grinned, his green eyes sparkling. His freckles that were splashed across his face seemed to look even brighter, if that was even possible, and Cas paused to take a moment to look at his boy friend, to think about how lucky he was that he had landed such a…well, good looking person. He felt kind of proud as he stared at Dean. 

 

His looks didn't make up for his neediness at times, though. Whenever Cas was studying and not talking or looking at him for more than 2 minutes, Dean’s whole behavior just screamed, “PAY ATTENTION TO ME GODDAMNIT”.

 

Like now. 

 

“Really though,” Dean continued, pointing to the screen where Cedric was telling Harry to take a bath with the golden egg or something, “whatya think?”

 

Cas sighed; He had a test tomorrow and _really_ didn’t have time for this. Nevertheless, he squinted at the screen and cocked his head to amuse his soul mate. 

 

“Hmmm,” he teased, “I dunno. You both are pretty good looking. The _real_ question, in my opinion, is who’s better in bed?”

 

He saw Dean raise his eyebrows at that, and couldn't blame him; Cas was quite surprised at himself, since when he say things like that? He was definitely not the Cas who, 5 months ago, blushed at dirty jokes and never cursed. No, he was quite different, and it obviously all had to do with Dean. 

 

“Well,” Dean breathed out, and Cas set aside his textbook to brush a lock of hair off his soul mate’s forehead, watching it curl back. Dean caught the blue eyed boy’s hand and, staring at him in a way that made Cas feel like the most precious thing in the world, kissed his palm gently. It was cliche, but Cas felt a million fireworks explode in his chest, the butterflies pouring out of his stomach and fluttering out into the air. He sighed contently, and Dean smiled the softest smile, searching his face and kissing his palm again without taking his green eyes off Cas’s blue ones. 

 

“We don’t have to, yanno,” Dean whispered, and Cas knew why; Whispering just kind of felt like the right thing to do. “If you don’t want to, I mean. I’m not just here for the sex, you know that.”

 

“I know,” Cas nodded, and he did. They didn't really need it to show their affection for one another, the both of them already knew how they felt. He hesitated a bit before adding, “I want to though.”

 

Dean raised his eyebrow. “Oh?”

 

“Yeah,” Cas breathed out. “Not now though,” he rushed before Dean decided to start stripping right then and there or something, and Dean laughed because he knew that Cas was probably scared he was going to, “sometime later. When we’re both ready.”

 

Lip curling, Dean laughed out a small laugh and pulled at his soul mate’s wrist, and Cas obliged, shifting to lay down by Dean on the small couch. Small was an understatement, the couch was wide, sure, but nearly not big enough to fit two fit 6 feet and over men in around their 20s. Cas ended up basically on top of Dean, curled up around him with his head on his chest. Something in the other room crashed and Cas sighed as Dean chuckled, his chest moving up and down causing Cas’s head to go along. 

 

_I don’t know what you’re doing, Shiba, but I know it’s not good._

 

He decided to ignore it and play with Dean’s fingers instead, intertwining them in his as Cas felt Dean kiss his hair and run his other hand in it.

 

“Your hair,” Dean muttered sleepily, “literally defies gravity.” He pressed another lazy kiss to it, continuing to card his fingers through it, and Cas smiled. “It never stays down.”

 

Cas yawned, closing his eyes and curling up more than he already was. “Yanno, when I was in high school, I had the nickname ‘Sex Hair’, because that’s what everyone said it looked like all the time.”

 

Dean barked out a laugh, and Cas smiled softly, humming tunelessly as he traced patterns into his boyfriend’s shirt. 

 

“You think that it’s not that bad, but let me remind you that Anna was in the same grade as me and my mother was very involved in our school, so my entire family knew about it. They called me that, too. My Physics teacher even called me that as a joke.”

 

Chuckling, Dean buried his head into Cas’s hair, wrapping his hands around the Milton and squeezing him tight. 

 

“I love you, Cas. I love you so damn much.”

 

Cas laughed, actually laughed out loud and squeezed Dean back as tight as he could, hoping to hold on to him and never let him go. 

 

“I love you too, Dean.”

 

They fell asleep there, the movie and the textbook completely forgotten. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THAT WAS SO SHORT I HATE MYSELF TOO IM SORRY  
> But my week has been SOO busy I have all these schoolwork and I don't even know how I had time to sit down and write this, ugh...I promise to make up for it with a really long chapter next week though! 
> 
> Excuse my shamelessness, but comments and reviews are GREATLY appreciated. Next update is on the 27th of October :)


	23. July 4th, 7:49:12 PM

**July 4th, 7:49:12 PM**

 

“So what are you planning?”

 

“For what?” Cas asked, sighing as he ran his fingers through his “Sex Hair”. Switching the phone to his other ear, he absentmindedly petted Shiba while trying to read _To Kill A Mockingbird,_ eventually realized that he had been reading the same line over and over again without getting any meaning out of it for the last 5 minutes. Must’ve been Dean jabbering away in his ear on the phone. 

 

“It’s the Fourth of July, Cas!” Dean paused and Cas just _knew_ that Dean was doing widening his eyes and holding his breathe like he did when he got passionate about something. “‘Murica!”

 

Cas rolled his eyes; America’s independence day wasn't really a big thing for him. From what he’d heard, it was mostly an excuse for people to eat foods dripping with lipids with their families and watch nuclear explosions in the sky whilst celebrating the anniversary of old white men signing a piece of paper because they wanted to be independent. 

 

Dean probably _heard_ him rolling his eyes over the phone and sighed. “Cas, how come I’m always the one begging you to go places with me while you remain all antisocial and cooped up in your room?”

 

He turned red. “That’s not true!”

 

“Name one time when you made _me_ go with _you_.”

 

There was silence as Cas tried to think of something.

 

“See?”

 

“Wait! How about your birthday? You didn't want to make a big deal and out of and-”

 

“Aww, come on, Cas,” interrupted Dean, exasperated, “that was my birthday. That doesn't count.”

 

“Well…..I’m not antisocial!”

 

“Come with me tonight and don’t complain once, then I’ll believe you.”

 

Cas resisted the urge to groan, he _really_ didn't want to go out tonight, he was tired from all that studying and _To Kill A Mockingbird_ was a _really_ good book and-

 

Sighing, he tried one last resort. “We could celebrate by you coming over and we can eat food and read Harry Potter and cuddle.”

 

“Antisocial..…!”

 

He hummed angrily; Dean had won, and they both knew it.

 

“Fine,” he grumbled out passive aggressively, “I’ll come to your stupid celebration.”

 

Dean chuckled, a dark low chuckle that he had always thought was kind of hot but now it made him even more irritated. 

 

“I love you, Cas.” he said mockingly. 

 

“Yeah, yeah.” 

 

**July 4th, 8:29:12 PM**

 

Cas would never admit it out loud, but he was glad that he agreed to go with Dean the second he sat down in the Impala and Dean looked up at him, grinning widely and immediately taking his hand, squeezing it. It had been a little more than 5 months that they met and they had been spending almost every waking moment together, but Cas always felt the butterflies fly frantically around in his stomach every time he saw his soul mate; Cas could never get enough of Dean, his smile, his eyes, his laugh, his freckles, his selflessness, his kindness, his stupid sense of humor that no one laughed at but himself. It was all Dean, and Cas drunk it in every time. 

 

_How’d I get so lucky?_

 

“OK,” the mechanic remarked, his one hand on the wheel. “We’re gonna get hotdogs from the place by- and we’ll get you your dumbass tofu ones cause you're a lame vegetarian-place by the garage, and then we’re gonna go watch the fireworks in the infamous Winchester backyard.”

 

“Why is it infamous?”

 

Dean smirked, and told him with a dark undertone to his voice, “Ya don’t wanna know.”

 

Cas laughed, slightly hoping that Dean was joking (but knowing Dean’s, well, colorful, past regarding his father, he couldn't really tell) and considered stating that reading Harry Potter and cuddling would be better, but decided against saying it and Dean calling him antisocial for the rest of their lives. 

 

“And then,” Dean continued, “you can stay over and we can read Harry Potter and cuddle cause I know that you were just thinking about telling me that that would be better than hotdogs and fireworks.”

 

Cas smiled, grazing his thumb over Dean’s. “You know me so well,” he teased.

 

**************************

 

Dean plopped down on the blanket that he had spread over the grass, offering Cas his hand. Cas didn’t take it as an attempt to maintain his dignity, and sat down next to his soul mate in the small backyard of the Winchester house; It was a surprisingly clean one, considering that their house was a whole different story and Cas and Jess were always nagging the brothers to at least try and clean it up, and the 19 year old felt oddly at peace right there. Cas looked over, and right there, next to him, was Dean.

 

It was where he belonged, wasn’t it?

 

Right next to Dean.

 

Warmth spread from Cas’s hand as Dean took it in his silently, smiling softly down at him while reaching into a cooler, bringing out a beer, then (obviously having second thoughts by the look on his face) shook his head and put it back. 

 

Cas heard an explosion high above them and turned, gasping when he saw the first colossal bright blue firework ripple across the ocean of dark. Two smaller red ones shot up, exploding on either side of the first one, generating beauty, causing tremors. He faintly heard Dean laugh beside him, but he couldn't move, no, because suddenly there were a dance of colors across the canvas of the sky, and Cas watched, mesmerized. 

 

It went on and on and on and on and Cas was afraid to blink in fear of missing something, when finally, the last gigantic, hot, burning streak of light exploded, illuminating the starry night sky. It returned to a silence that was a way too quiet for Cas’s liking, and he eventually tore his eyes off of the sky to look at Dean, who was watching him. 

 

“What?” he breathed out, feeling as if he was on a sugar high from all the things that he had seen, without having any time to take it all in properly. 

 

Dean grinned, and Cas thought he blushed there just for a second- but that was impossible, because Dean didn’t blush- before looking down and scratching at his arm absentmindedly before shaking his head and muttering out a “Nothing, you’re just so…nothing. Never mind.”

 

You can tell me.”

 

“Nah, it’s stupid.”

 

Cas decided not to push it, and looked down at the unconsumed hotdogs that they were supposed to eat silently. He felt crazy, reckless, on an adrenaline rush, and didn’t feel like reading Harry Potter and cuddling anymore.He wanted to do something stupid and silly, something that they would look back on in the future and ask themselves what the hell they were doing because they were two grown men. Standing up and abandoning his food, Cas grabbed Dean’s arm and pulled him up, laughing out loud for no reason in general when Dean stood up immediately to face him.

 

“Come on, Dean.”

 

“What?” he asked, looking back at the blanket and food. 

 

Cas’s face lit up with a smile that reached his eyes. 

 

“Let’s go build a fort.”

 

**************************

 

They raced to all the bedrooms inside the house, laughing the entire time and laughing even harder as they grabbed all the blankets and pillows they could grab and bringing it back to Dean’s room. Dean came back dragging six chairs from the dining table and arranged them in a large circle in the empty space of the room, close to the end of his bed. Cas watched as Dean, using safety pins, pinned three sheets together at the edges, and helped him, both giggling, drape the blanket over the chairs. 

 

_This is the most childish thing I’ve ever done in my life._

 

_And I love it._

 

Dean disappeared out of the room and came back seconds later with carrying a huge load of  books that were presumably Sam’s and 2 heavy books down on each chair to hold the blankets down. 

 

“Have you done this before?”

 

Dean barely looked up, setting the books down on the last chair. “Oh, yeah. Sam and I used to do this all the time when we were kids.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Dean smiled, pulling Cas towards him and kissing him hard and sloppy, and Cas was such in a hazy state of mind so that the only thing he could think to was to kiss him back as equally as hard, and when Dean pulled back Cas didn’t let him, leaning forward even more so just to prolong the kiss a second more. 

 

They ended up not building the fort because they were both too giggly and drunk on each other to focus on a task at hand, and Cas eventually found himself surrounded by a gigantic bundle of white blankets and pillows and sheets and quilts with Dean wrapped up in him; God knew whose leg was whose and whose arm was whose because the boys were too tangled up in each other to figure it out. Cas was slightly aware of Dean currently kissing his neck at the moment whilst Cas’s hand rested on his back, his leg half curled around the other boy’s hip. Dean laughed again, and the blue eyed boy’s vision tipped as Dean pushed him gently back, so he was laying on top of the soft whiteness of the blankets. Dean lay on top of him, pushing himself up with his elbows as he stopped and stared at Cas.  

 

“So beautiful,” he whispered, and Cas had to remind himself to breathe when Dean bent his head to rub his lips over his own. Sliding his hand down slowly on Dean’s back, Cas lifted his head off the blankets in an effort to capture Dean’s lips with his, but Dean was too fast for him; He was already kissing his way down to Cas’s chest. Pleasure erupted from the places where the wet kisses were being placed all over Cas’s skin, and he involuntarily sighed in content. Dean laughed, moving his way up to his soul mate’s face, and he paused, taking in the sight of him. When Dean started unbuttoning Cas’s shirt was when Cas realized what he was doing. 

 

“Wait!” he hysterically yelled out, and Dean immediately froze. Sitting up, Cas stared down at Dean as the Winchester sat up as well and stared back at him, eyes wide and breathing hard. Cas realized that he had said that a little too panicky, and that Dean was probably scared that he had forced Cas into something, so he leaned forward and cupped his boyfriend’s face with his hand. He immediately relaxed under his touch. 

 

“I don’t…I’m sorry. Not now. I said I wanted to, and I do, but…not now.” 

 

Dean cleared his throat and replied, “Of course. Of course, Cas. I’m sorry.”

 

“No, no. It’s not your fault.” Dean opened his mouth to speak again- probably in protest- and Cas gently covered his mouth with his hand. “It’s fine. Really.” 

 

Cas leaned forward a bit more to smooth his hands over Dean’s chest in reassurance but Dean flinched ever so slightly, so he retreated back and buttoned up the two buttons that Dean had undone. Dean dropped his eyes to Cas’s fingers. his face snow white and blank. When he finished buttoning them up, Dean looked back up at Cas and nodded curtly. 

 

“Okay.”

 

A silence that was a little too loud for Cas’s liking followed that as they both stared at each other, asking the same question with their eyes. 

 

What now?

 

Cas leaned forward and hugged his soul mate, resting his chin on Dean’s shoulder. It just kind of felt like the right thing to do, and after a moment, Dean hugged back tightly. 

 

They spent the rest of their evening reading Harry Potter and cuddling, being careful to avoid the topic of what had just happened. And the funny thing was, they had fun doing that too. 

 

**July 15th, 10:29:12 AM**

 

Shiba meowed in protest as Cas sighed and forced her into the other room, grimacing when he heard his boyfriend’s sneezing stop as he walked back into the living room. Dean was blinking his eyes rapidly in an effort to stop his eyes from watering as usual, and Cas rubbed his back in sympathy. 

 

Dean had spent the night over at Cas’s house and was getting ready to go to work, when Shiba had scurried into the room into Cas’s lap causing, as usual, an allergy fest on Dean’s part. He had gotten a little less allergic to her, but it was still there, and pretty bad. It was sad, really, that Dean and Shiba couldn’t be in the same room together; He had, after all, given her to Cas and there was something quite wrong about him not being able to form a bond with her. 

 

Dean finished tying his boots, turning around to give Cas a smile that ended up in a grimace. In an effort to wipe that grimace off his face, Cas slowly leaned forward, and, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck, kissed him softly. It only lasted for a second and Dean chuckled, pulling back and touching his forehead against Cas’s, staring his bright emerald orbs into Cas’s Caribbean blue ones. Dean kissed him gently once more and Cas got into it, moving his hands slowly from Dean’s neck to his cheekbones, his chest, his waist, finally ending up running his hands through Dean’s hair. Dean had his arms wrapped tightly around his waist, going _into_ his coat, and Cas was wondering how far this was going to go because at this point he was just about ready to let Dean go ahead and-

 

“You know I’m here right?”

 

They jumped back, whipping their heads around to see a embarrassed Eric standing in the doorway of the kitchen right behind them with a half eaten apple in his hand. 

 

“Eric!” said Cas, and it came out all high pitched and breathless and hysterical. 

 

Dean blinked a few times, frowning as if he was just realizing that Eric had been right behind them (for _some reason_ ) the whole time. “What.” he said, saying the word like a statement rather than a question. 

 

Eric chuckled awkwardly, pausing to take the time to take a bite of the apple he was currently holding and plop down on the couch next to them. The soul mates instinctively moved away from Eric, and Cas turned away from him, who was taking his time chewing on the bite of the apple, to check on Dean. He was giving Eric the weirdest look, like he had just grown another head or something. 

 

Cas hadn't gotten much time to get to know Eric; In fact, he realized, that he hadn’t really talked to him since they had met that day. 

 

_Huh. I really need to get to know the guy._

 

“OK, first of all, how the hell did you get in here, and second of all, why the hell were you watching us, you creep?!” 

 

Dean had finally exploded. It probably had something to do with keeping his whole macho man reputation up around people; Having a guy see him making out with his boyfriend on the couch was slightly contradicting to that whole appearance. 

 

Cas fiercely gave Dean his _shut up Dean_ look that he had perfected over the time they had known each other, and he watched Eric grin slightly, shrugging and rubbing his forearm where a dragon scale was tattooed on his pale skin. Pushing up his glasses, Eric replied, “Anna was complaining about how she didn't have her sketchbook with her last night, so I decided to swing by and grab it for her before heading to work. Then I remembered that she was craving mac and cheese a while ago and I don’t have time to go to the store today so I was looking for a can in the pantry.” 

 

Dean looked like he was about explode again, so Cas asked him why he didn't tell them that he was there when they came into the living room, and Eric pointed out that as soon as they came in Dean started sneezing and then before he knew it, they started kissing so he didn't really have anytime to interject. Cas then politely asked him to leave and Eric let out a tense bark of laughter before getting up to leave.

 

He stopped just before his hand touched the door, frowning and turning around to look at the couple staring at him from the couch thoughtfully. 

 

“Hey, Cas?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Is Dean…allergic to Shiba?”

 

“Yeah,” Cas huffed in frustration, “he’s the one that gave her to me so…it kind of sucks.”

 

“You do know that there are pills for that?”

 

Cas tilted his head to the side and squinted at Eric, replying, “Wait, what?”

 

“There are. My brother used to take them for our cat and they were hella effective.”

 

Dean looked to Cas, crunching his eyebrows together. “Huh,” he simply said, “that’s…convenient.” 

 

“Do you want me to pick it up for you, Dean?” Eric asked. “They only cost about 150 to 200 bucks.”

 

_Yesyesyesyes now Dean can actually spend time with Shiba and they can form a bond with each other and it could be all magical and Disney movie where everyone lives happily ever after just like Harry and Hedwig._

 

_Except Hedwig died._

 

_And Harry lost basically, all of his friends._

 

_Huh._

 

Dean hesitated, scratching at his arm and staring at the ground. His face turned pink, and Cas, for a moment, was confused. 

 

_Why won’t he take it? This is great!_

 

Dean huffed out a uneasy laugh, turning to look at Cas, widening his eyes in an attempt to convene him some secret message. Cas frowned, not getting it, until Dean mouthed “money” and it hit him. 

 

Dean was still…well…poor as all out. He didn't have that kind of money to spend on stuff like this; In fact, he was still working hard as hell in order to get the money for Sam’s graduate school, along with meeting their basic needs every month. How could he forget? Just because Sam had a scholarship to Briggs didn't solve all their finical problems, it just solved a major one. 

 

Cas didn't like thinking about it, but he knew that the Winchesters still had to scramble to get the rent and bills paid, and a lot of times, getting food on the dinner table was a struggle. Now that their dad was in jail and not giving them a sum of money every month in order to pay for their basic needs, life was twice as hard. The worst part of it was that both the Winchester boys were extremely stubborn and immediately refused help from anyone, whether it be Cas or Jess or Bobby. 

 

Cas thought it was incredibly unfair really; that Dean and Sam had to go through all that despite being…well, them, that the world was unfair, life was unfair, and when he had once voiced that to Dean, Dean had just smiled sadly and kissed him. 

 

There was nothing that the both of them could do. 

 

Eric cleared his throat, scattering Cas’s thoughts. 

 

“Well?” he asked. “Do you want me to get it for you?”

 

Cas turned to look at Dean, who shook his head slightly; Knowing that Dean wouldn't in his wildest dreams let Cas pay for it, Cas put on a fake smile and turned to Eric. 

 

“No thanks, Eric. We’ll be fine.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a lot of kissing, goodness. It was a little embarrassing writing that knowing that people I'm close friends with irl are going to be reading that (what am I going to when they finally do that, Jesus). 
> 
> Anywhore, comments and reviews are GREATLY appreciated. I LOVE reading all the comments I get from y'all, too sweet! :)
> 
> Next update is next Monday as usual, on the 3rd of November (it's already November! Time goes by so fast), so until next time, lovelies! :)


	24. July 24th, 6:13:04 AM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaahh I forgot to update yesterday! I'm a terrible person, so sorry! Enjoy :)

**July 24th, 6:13:04 AM**

 

Dean groaned, rolling over to sleep on his stomach. He could hear Cas sleeping next to him, his breathes steady and slow. Groaning once more, Dean curled up into a little ball, muscles aching.

 

_The hell? I feel like shit._

 

Sweating like a dog, Dean was as weak as an ant. He felt feverish, like he couldn't move a muscle. His head heart like hell, and even under the light cotton sheet he was radiating heat like a brick right out of the oven. 

 

Barking out a cough that wheezed its way out, Dean realized that he had woken Cas up, who was currently sitting up and blinking down, confused, at him; Cas’s hair stuck up every which way, and he frowned, taking Dean’s head silently in his lap and pressing the back of his hand onto Dean’s forehead. 

 

“Dean,” Cas rasped out, still half asleep. It was, after all, about an hour before Cas had to wake up for his class that day, and they had fallen asleep at an ungodly hour last night because there had been a Harry Potter marathon on TV. “I think you have a fever.”

 

He didn’t reply, just lay there with his eyes closed and relished in Cas stroking his hair softly. Cas stopped and the touch was missed immediately, Dean peeked open his eyes just in time to see Cas getting off the bad and putting on his shirt; He had quickly found out that Cas didn’t like sleeping in a shirt, at all. Not that Dean was complaining. He enjoyed the view. 

 

Dean turned on his side, moaning softly and putting the back of his hand on his forehead. Burning hot. He was sweating like a dog, despite the AC being turned on at full blast all night. He heard Cas enter his closet, yawning and stretching, and it was quite dark in the room; The only light source was the small nightlight Cas always kept on in the very far corner of his room, him being afraid of the dark and all. 

 

A few minutes passed and Dean felt a hand on his chest; Cas was probably standing over him. 

 

“Come on, darling,” Cas soothed, and Dean would’ve smacked him for calling him that _girly_ nickname if he hadn’t felt so terrible, “sit up just for a second and we can change you into some comfortable clothing. You’ll feel way better, I promise.”

 

“Ugh, Cas,” he groaned, “I’m _comfortable_. Don’t make me get up.”

 

“You’re in jeans and a shirt. I have my old pajamas that’ll fit you. Sit up please.”

 

“Cas, I-”

 

“You know that I’m not going to stop until you do,” the Milton said sharply, and Dean knew that he was right because Cas was the most powerful force not to be reckoned with. He tried arguing anyway.

 

“Can I just-”

 

“We can do this the easy way,” Cas said matter-of-factly, “or the hard way.”

 

Grumbling, Dean let Cas help him up and slip on his shirt; As Dean put on the worn out but soft cotton pajama bottoms, he had to really admit that he felt so much better. Of course, he would never say that out loud. He had his honor to defend, after all. 

 

Cas returned from the bathroom where he had left to give Dean privacy to put on the pajama pants, closing the door with a faint thud. Dean was sprawled out on the bed, half asleep, when he felt a cool damp washcloth on his forehead. 

 

Sighing in pleasure, Dean mumbled out a thanks to his soul mate, who waved it off and told him to go back to sleep. The last thing Dean heard before drifting off was Cas walking away, out the door.

 

*********************************

“Hey, you.”

 

Dean blearily cracked open his eyes just a sliver just in time to see Cas sitting on his desk with his textbooks spread out before him, looking up and smiling at where Dean lay on his bed. He was wearing a sweater, for some reason, even though it was the middle of July. Turning, Dean saw a  fan had suddenly appeared on the side of the bed, and he realized that Cas must’ve put it there.; The AC was also turned down low, and it must’ve been extremely cold in the house for Cas. 

 

Dean knew that anything he would say would convince Cas to raise the temperature, so he gave up that battle before it even started.  Attempting to return the smile, Dean managed to lift up one corner of his mouth and sat up, rubbing his eyes and stretching; He felt much better than before, but, Dean thought as he picked up the washcloth that wasn’t damp anymore off the side of the bed where it must’ve fallen off when he was sleeping, he still felt hot and his muscles ached. Turning to look at the clock above Cas’s desk, Dean realized that it was a little past noon. 

 

“Cas! Don’t you have class?”

 

His boyfriend shrugged, squinting intently at a diagram of something in his book. “Skipped it.”

 

Dean frowned. “You never skip class, ya goody two shoes.”

 

Cas hummed, blushing slightly and refusing to look at Dean. That’s when it hit him.

 

“You skipped class to take care of me.” Dean stated, rather than ask. He already knew. “I can take care of myself, I’m not a _girl_.”

 

“Dean, that’s sexist.” Cas lectured, causing Dean to roll his eyes at him, “Girls are no weaker than we are. If anything, they’re stronger.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, but what I’m trying to say is that….I can take care of myself. You didn’t have to skip.”

 

Cas shrugged, finally looking up at Dean and smiling like he was going to make a joke. Knowing Cas, Dean knew he was. Cas lately had been avoiding topics he didn’t like with bad jokes; He had learnt that from Dean and Dean hadn't realized how annoying it was until his soul mate started doing it. 

 

“Just making sure you don’t accidentally fall off a building or something.”

 

_That’s gotta be his worst one yet. I really need to teach him some good jokes._

 

Dean tried to snort, but that was too much effort and he still hurt, and just sighed instead, countering, “I’m not Sherlock. I’ll be fine.”

 

“Sherlock?” Cas frowned, “Didn’t he fall off a waterfall?”

 

“Yeah, but, there’s this old British TV- yanno what? Never mind.”

 

Sighing, he crawling forward on the bed to sit on the edge of it in front of Cas’s chair. Dean reached out and wrapped an arm around his soul mate’s neck, gently pulling the blue eyed boy towards him; Cas smiled, letting Dean do so, and the Winchester pressed a soft kiss to his temple, resting his chin on Cas’s head. 

 

“Dean, it’s lunchtime.” Cas said after a few moments of just sitting there like that, and Dean groaned because Cas was always ruining nice moments like this because of _responsibilities_ they had to their own bodies or others, “You have a fever; You need to eat something and drink lots and lots of water.”

 

Dean hugged him harder, refusing to let go. Cas sighed, taking Dean’s hand in his and entwining them together. Pressing a soft kiss to it, Cas mumbled against his boyfriend’s palm, “Really though, you need to eat. And drink. A lot. You’re really hot.”

 

He chuckled, joking, “Yeah I am.”

 

“That wasn’t good. You’ve done better,” Cas teased, squeezing his hand.

 

Dean huffed, loosening a little bit and Cas pulled away. 

 

“But I’m not hungry.”

 

“I know, but when you get a fever you need to eat because your immune system-”

 

“Woah, woah, okay. Don’t get all nerdy on me, ya dork.”

 

“Drinking water is incredibly crucial,” Cas continued, as if Dean hadn’t interrupted him,  “because the fever dehydrates-”

 

“Alright, alright! Just…gimme soup or something and shut up.”

 

Cas rolled back his chair, stretching and turning to walk out the door. Before doing so, he turned around to give Dean a look and thickly instructed, “Don’t follow me. You’re tired and all ho-I mean, warm. Read a book or something,” he said, gesturing to the hundreds of books in the room, “I won’t be long.”

 

Dean mock saluted him, and Cas shook his head, walking out the door and muttering something under his breath about tomatoes. He waited a good 20 seconds before getting up and following Cas into the kitchen, still wearing Cas’s pajamas. 

 

***********************

 

_This is shit soup._

 

“This is really good soup!” Dean said as he forced himself to take another spoonful. “Really good!”

 

“Dean,” Cas rolled his eyes, “I know you hate it. I can always tell when you’re lying.”

 

Giving up, he scrunched his nose at the green broth liquid…thing in his bowl. The couch was hot, the room was hot, he was hot, and Cas was making him drink the reincarnation of Satan while the TV played some crappy LifeTime movie that they were watching cause nothing else was on.

 

“Caaaaaaaas,” Dean whined, “please don’t make me.”

 

“I’m making you.” Cas replied, squinting at the TV where a scene were two girls were yelling at each other was playing out, “You’ll feel better, I promise.”

 

Blowing air through his lips, Dean took another spoonful, wincing.

 

“I’m doing this because I care about you, Dean.” Cas frowned, turning to look at him.

 

“Yeah, I know.” Dean replied, and smiled at him, taking Cas’s hand. “I know. You didn’t have to, yanno. Turn up the AC even though you’re freezing right now, and make me soup and made sure I got rest and all that.”

 

“Yes I did. You’re my soul mate.”

 

“I know, but I can take care of myself. This was my problem, not yours.”

 

Cas glared at him, crossing his arms. “Your shit is my shit,” he snapped, and Dean just blinked, surprised, “the second we met, the second we looked at each other in that coffee shop, the term “my problem” disappeared. It just became “our problem.” So shut up and eat your goddamn soup.”

 

Dean did what he was told. 

 

**August 14th, 1:04:26 PM**

 

It was a beautiful Saturday, and Cas and Dean going out to eat lunch with Anna and Eric was a great idea. They sat in the outside tables of the deli, the same one where they had encountered the redheaded Charlie, enjoying their sandwiches. Anna had just gotten admitted out of the hospital, and she was enjoying it immensely. 

 

By immensely, it meant Anna was going to be the typical sibling who took _every chance_ to tease her brother, and by default, Dean. 

 

It all started when Eric started talking about his cousin sister being born.

 

“So yeah,” the black haired man said as he wiped a bit of ketchup on the corner of his mouth with a napkin, “she was born about a week ago, and they still don’t know what to name her.”

 

Cas took a bite of his lame ass baked healthy chips or whatever, and suggested, “Valentine’s a good name. It’s cute.”

 

“Gaayyyy.”

 

Rolling his eyes, Cas gently shoved Dean, as Anna gave the mechanic a weird look. 

 

“Dean, you’re gay!” she pointed out. 

 

He turned red immediately, and Anna laughed, throwing her head back. Eric looked at her with complete adoration, and it would’ve been cute if Anna hadn’t just said that. 

 

“No I’m not!”

 

“Dean,” Cas said in his _I’m so done with you_ tone, “really?” He gestured down to where Dean’s hand was resting on his thigh. “Really?”

 

Blushing bright red like a tomato, Dean looked up to see Anna and Eric looking at him with amusement, and stammered out, “I’m only…gay…for Cas. I still think girls are…” he desperately looked around for the closet chick he could find and saw a cute blonde one sitting the table across from him, “hot as hell.” He nodded at the girl to prove a point, and Cas just shook his head, because he knew that Dean didn’t care for the girl at all. 

 

Eric took that as an opportunity to educate everyone about sexuality terms- and Dean thought he was a great person but right now he was so tempted to punch him- and stated matter-of-factly, “The correct term is bisexual then, Dean.”

 

Anna sniggered, and Cas just shook his head and took a bite of his sandwich. Eric stared at Dean, waiting for an answer, completely oblivious to what he’d done. 

 

He was still Anna’s soul mate though, and a great guy, so Dean was polite to him cause he knew that he would never stop hearing about it from Cas if he wasn’t. “I don’t want to be called anything right now, I’m not comfortable-”

 

Interrupting, Anna giggled, leaning in close to Dean’s face as far as the table would allow her, “Bisexual,” she whispered, and Dean was honestly considering throwing his chair at her and having to send her back to the hospital, “Dean’s bisexual.”

 

“Yanno what Anna?” he snapped, “suck my di- ow!”

 

He was interrupted once more by Cas this time, elbowing him in the ribs and shaking his head. Anna caught the movement and took that as leverage to tease him about something else. 

 

“Yeah, Dean,” she smiled, crinkling up her nose, “only Cas can do that.”

 

Cas just sighed, muttering out a “Seriously, Anna” and Dean wanted to die. 

 

_We haven’t even…we don’t…I…ugh! That is such a sensitive topic between us and…ugh!_

 

Anna just kept on giggling, and Eric even let out a smile smile; Dean wanted to leap across the table and strangle the redhead and her soulmate, _nah, Eric didn’t do much never mind_ , strangle just Anna then, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t alone though; By the look on Cas’s face, he was seriously considering fratricide. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was kind of an important chapter that seems unimportant and boring until you read the next chapter…so just keep in mind that this update was crucial and try to forget about the badness of it. So, the next update is on the 10th of November, next Monday. See ya’ll then :)


	25. August 20th, 8:31:23 PM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But never forget that on any day, you can step out the front door and your whole life can change forever.
> 
> TRIGGER (AND SPOILER) ALERT: Rape/Non-con.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update's on Monday, August 17th :)

“You guys are so lame,” Anna sighed as she put on her heels, “it’s Cas’s 20th birthday and the both of you are just gonna stay at home.”

Cas eyed the heels that his sister was putting on and frowned, “Anna, don’t you think that you should wear heels that are a little smaller? Those are 2 inches, and you just got out of the hospital for a head injury. What if you fall?”

Anna smacked him on the shoulder lightly, continuing, “Come on, Dean!” Dean looked up from the TV screen where he was watching some stupid show on TLC that he claimed was watching cause nothing else was on, but Cas really knew it was cause he wanted to know what dress that spoiled bride was going to say yes to, and rolled his eyes at the redhead. 

“Cas won’t listen, but at least you should. He’s lived for 2 decades…celebrate!”

“We told you already, Anna,” Dean sighed, “Cas wants to stay in to celebrate his birthday, so we’re staying in. It’s your birthday, too; Go to your party and quit naggin’ us.”

She stood up, straightening her dress and Cas got up from the couch as well to fuss with her hair until she caught his hands, smiling at him, and he gave up and reached in for a hug instead. Anna thought that she was going to go to a small get together with a few friends, when really all of her friends (which was a LOT, because Anna was quite the social butterfly whereas Cas had a few acquaintances that he only talked to when needed) and Eric were throwing her a huge surprise party. Cas was a bit nervous about letting her go out by herself after she had been monitored closely since her car accident by her family 24/7, but Anna was a big girl and the doctor had said she was fine; She could go back to normal now. Cas nor Dean had been invited cause Eric had assumed that they were doing their own thing for Cas’s birthday, and he was right; They were staying in and eating take out and watching bad movies together until they fell asleep. 

Cas didn't want to do anything elaborate for his birthday; He never really had wanted to in his life. For his birthday this year, he just wanted to spend time with Dean. 

Looking at the clock for the billionth time, Anna wiped her sweaty palms on her dress and huffed. “Why is he late? Eric said he’d be here by 8:30!”

Dean scoffed, gesturing the Miltons to sit down, “Chill, Anna. It’s 8:32; I promise he hasn't forgotten about you.”

“Listen,” Cas started, “I know that you’re nervous cause this is your first time out without us or Mom or Dad monitoring you, but-”

“I’m not nervous!” Anna interjected in a high pitched, very nervous, voice.

Cas laughed, putting his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay, you’re not nervous.”

They sat there in silence as they waited for Eric to pick Anna, all three staring at the TV where a spoiled Persian bride cried about a flower on one of her dress that wasn’t there before, until Cas groaned, asking, “Dean, what the hell are you watching?!” 

Dean shrugged, queasily answering, “There’s nothing on.”

He scoffed, grabbing the remote from his soul mate’s hand, pointing out that Dean hadn't even tried going through any of the channels and had just started watching this cause it was what was on when he had turned the TV on, and started flipping through the channels. 

_Click_

A soap opera

_Click_

Romeo and Juliet

_Click_

A cooking show

_Click_

Sesame Street 

_Click_

A man in court, yelling at some poor girl about lying about rape. Cas left it on, cause it was either this or Say Yes to the Dress, and this had the potential of turning out somewhat interesting. The three watched as the scene ended with the witness falling to the floor and the movie transitioned to a scene with low key lighting and a hotel room. Before Cas had time to realize what was happening, a woman came into view and took off her shirt, completely exposing her…ohmygOD EW

Cas screamed, turning off the TV and throwing the remote to the ground, covering his eyes with his fingers tightly as if doing so would erase the image from his mind. 

“My virgin eyes!” he yelled, and was about to start hyperventilating when he heard Dean and Anna cracking up; Hell, Anna was laughing to the point where it sounded like she couldn’t breathe. Dean reached forward and took his hands that were pressed over his eyes in his, pressing kisses to his palm repeatedly and shaking with laughter. Cas pulled his hand back, and was about to get up to leave and go hang out with Shiba who was currently taking a nap in his room because Shiba didn’t laugh and make fun of him for freaking out over seeing a grown woman’s fully exposed….ugh.

He stood up, but Dean reached out and wrapped an arm around Cas’s waist, pulling him back. Cas fell back on the couch, his head knocking into Dean’s chest, and Dean laughed once more, then stopped, kissing his hair, his temple, his cheek; Cas scrunched his nose and half heartedly tried to pull away, but he didn’t really want to anymore, and besides, he knew that Dean wasn't going to let him leave. Anna stopped laughing and watched wistfully as Dean carded his fingers through her brother’s hair while Cas lay there, smiling softly with his eyes closed. Dean pressed another kiss to the corner of Cas’s mouth before looking up at her and grinning, his hands wrapped around Cas’s stomach and holding him in place so he didn't slide off the couch. 

Anna broke the silence by teasing, “Hey, congratulations on living 2 whole decades and still being a virgin, Cassy.”

Cas sighed; This again. Dean rolled his eyes, pressing his cheek to Cas’s and smiling. “You’re a virgin too, missy. Don’t get all high and mighty.”

“Yeah, but,” Anna argued, shifting in her seat from the very edge of the other couch that Cas and Dean weren’t sprawled out on, “I just met my soul mate 3 months ago, AND just got out of the hospital. You guys met each other like, 7 months ago, and have spent almost everyday together.” She grinned, turning around to look out the door and seeing Eric’s car pull up on the driveway, “Pathetic.”

She stood up, smirking, and started to walk out the door. Cas groaned, and Dean called after her in an attempt to save their dignity. 

“Well, how do you know we haven’t done it? We could’ve and you just don’t know.”

Anna didn’t even bother replying to that, just scoffed and opened the door; Before walking out completely though, she turned on her heel and smiled sweetly at them. “Remember Cassy, the longer you wait, the longer you’re a viable choice to be used as a blood sacrifice at any moment.” She turned and took another step to leave, and Cas was so hopeful she would that second cause Anna had gotten annoying as hell after the accident, before she turned around again and yelled out, one hand on the door, “And if you’re scared, just remember to use The Joys of Gay Sex as a reference!”

With that, she left. 

****************************

Cas tried really hard not to let what Anna had said get to him, he really did, but to no avail. Dean noticed something was off when they were playing Monopoly and Dean pushed into the lead. Dean never even got close to winning. 

“Hey, Cas?” he asked, scrunching his eyebrows together. “You ok?”

“Oh! Um…right. Yeah. I’m fine. Completely okay. Sorry, I just…” he sighed, rubbing his eyes, “spaced out.”

Dean didn’t push it further, bless him, and let Cas freak out over it by himself. It was obvious he knew that something was wrong though, but was waiting for Cas to bring it up. He occupied the silence with meaningless chatter, and Cas didn’t mind. He liked hearing Dean talk, having a constant reminder that he was there, next to him. 

_I looked over, and right there, right next to me, was you._

“Hey, do you really think we should be playing Monopoly? This game has been a big factor to breakups.” Dean asked, snapping Cas out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah. Ok.” Suddenly overcome by something, he rushed forward, forgetting about the board and wrapping his arms around Dean and kissed him. Hard. Dean, surprised, kissed him back after a moment, cupping his face. Dean pulled him forward, from where Cas was almost sitting on his lap, and pulled away for a second to look at him. 

“What’s gotten into you?” he asked between kisses. Cas didn’t bother replying, just went all for it, but Dean pushed him back gently, sliding his hands from Cas’s face to his narrow waist. “Is this about what Anna said? Cause yanno I don’t care, we don’t have to. Please don’t feel like you have to.”

Cas looked at Dean through his lashes, at the splash of freckles on his nose and cheeks and his bright emerald eyes that shone brightly and his beautiful soft lips and his cheekbones and his everything. Just everything. Dean was so perfect; So perfect and beautiful and Cas had no idea how he could ever deserve such a man, and he wanted to make sure he wasn't declining Dean of anything because Dean would realize how imperfect and boring he was and leave. 

Dean took him in his arms and pressed a kiss to his hair, and Cas let him. He hated himself for always being the one that was taken care of, but he let him. 

“Where’s your parents, angel?” Dean asked, mumbling against his hair. 

“Out of town, remember?”

“That’s good.” he replied, sliding his fingers down to Cas’s tailbone, and something inside Cas stirred and his insides melted like butter. 

“Dean,” Cas started, and he winced when he heard his voice crack. Clearing his throat, he sat up and crawled off of his soulmate to face him properly. “I want to do it.”

The mechanic blinked, confused. “What?”

“It. I want to…do it.” 

“I don’t understa-“ Dean stopped mid sentence as he finally got what Cas was getting at. “Oh.” 

He nodded, averting his gaze down to the carpet. The old habit spring up and the urge to chew on his nail was overwhelming; He even went so far to bring his hand up to his mouth when a mental image of Dean slapping his hand away and nagging him to stop and whatdidItellyouCas?! was enough to stop him. 

“Ok.” Dean nudged him, and Cas looked up at Dean, who was smiling shyly “Ok.”

Cas felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his chest, and the thing was, he was ready. He knew he was ready. Before he had said he was but had gotten overwhelmed when they were on the brink of it happening, but now he knew what it meant and…he was ready. 

They both looked at each other, waiting for the other to make the first move, until Dean stood up and stretched noisily. 

“Well, dunno about you, but it’s almost 9:30 and I’m starving, and I’m not really in the mood to get down and shakin’ so I’m ordering pizza. We’ll go do whatever we want on your bed after we’ve ate.” 

Cas blushed, refusing to take Dean’s hand because he still was really tired of him always being the one that was taken care of; He was a fully grown man perfectly capable of taking care of himself. If anyone asked who the girl was in the relationship (no one had so far, but it was bound to happen one day. Despite gay marriage being accepted by everyone these days, education on homosexual relationships was not very…good, to say the least), even though Dean would probably tell the person off for asking that ridiculous question, it would very obviously be Cas. 

****************************

“Goddamnit,” Dean cursed loudly, throwing his hands up. “It’s been an hour! We only ordered one pizza!”

Cas hummed in agreement, distracted by Shiba making some racket in the other room where Cas had been forced to lock her in so she didn’t scurry in next to Dean. He was sitting on the couch, listening intently when something crashed in the room. 

_Damnit Shiba._

Dean was pacing, glaring at the phone. Cas read his thoughts before he could do anything. 

“I swear to God if you throw the phone I’m never speaking to you again; That’s my phone and I cherish it.”

He fumed, dropping the phone on the couch and putting on his shoes. Cas frowned, asking, “Where are you going?”

“I’m gonna go to the pizza place and give them a piece of my mind, since they’re not picking up the phone.” 

“Calm down, we can just order from another place.”

“No!” Dean snapped, his face turning red. “That’s your favorite pizza place and we’re getting it from there.”

Cas rolled his eyes; Dean could be so stubborn sometimes. “Dean,” he cajoled, “I’ll be okay. Just order from some other place and let it go.”

“But it’s your favorite-”

“I honestly don’t care.”

Dean relaxed for a moment, and Cas thought that he had won, but then Dean finished tying his shoes and stood up. “I gave them my credit card number, though. Gonna go there to get my goddamn pizza.”

“What?! Why’d you give them your credit card number?!” Cas had been hanging out with Shiba in the other room as Dean had ordered the pizza. 

“They asked for it.”

Cas sighed, rubbing his face. “Dean, just…” he sighed again, done with the pizza place and Dean’s behavior. “Know what? I’ll go get the pizza and you stay here.”

“No, I’m coming with you.”

“Dean!” Cas argued, throwing his hands up in exasperation, “just…let me do this, okay?” He wanted to do this, just one small thing, without Dean; Just to prove to himself that, he wasn’t needy and whiny and the person that their soul mate did everything for. He could do things by himself. “I just want to do this.”

The mechanic, seeing the desperation in Cas’s voice, agreed; However, Cas knew he would be questioned about it later on. He didn’t really feel like admitting to Dean what he felt because Dean would just end up rolling his eyes and calling him stupid for thinking that and that would be it.

_I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get to it._

Pressing a quick kiss on Dean’s lips as he hurried out the door, Cas reminded him not to open the door to the room that Shiba was in and was off. 

****************************

_I’m being stupid. It’s just an alley._

_That’s dark._

_A dark alley._

Cas laughed nervously, and rubbed his hands together despite it being warm outside. He was being forced to walk through a very long dark alley after parking opposite the pizza place’s lot because there was a party going on in the bar next door. 

Suddenly, something moved behind him; Whipping around to look behind him in terror, he found nothing but the dark. “Hello?” the college student called out, uncertain. There was no answer, just the sound of his own shaky breathing. Cas noticed his fingers were shaking in fear, and his pulse quickened, throbbing in a rhythmic beat.

Something was off. 

He started walking faster, his steps echoing through the alley, with his heart in his throat. The fast walking turned into jogging, and pretty soon, the jogging turned into running with his arms wrapped tightly around himself in an effort to protect himself from…whatever. He faintly heard footsteps behind him, and didn’t even bother to turn around to look. 

_Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod how long is this goddamn alley_

He had never gotten mugged before, and wasn’t in a hurry to experience that right now. Besides, he hadn’t taken his wallet because Dean had already given the pizza place his credit card number and therefore paid for the pizza, and from what Cas had heard, the mugger would probably think he was lying and shoot him. 

He groaned as he hit the end of the long-ass alley and the start of an even longer one, and he made a mental note to himself as he started running in that one with the mugger closely behind to call the city later and complain about them. 

_I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die_

That thought inspired him to run faster, cause he really valued his life for God’s sake, until a voice rang out, as clear as day, that forced him to screech to a halt. 

“I have a gun!”

_I’m done for_

A sob threatening to spill from his mouth, he stopped, panting, and held his hands up, turning around to face the mugger. What he got was something quite different from what he’d expected. 

His attacker was a large boned, muscly….girl. She had a cut on her lip, and she had blonde hair that was tied back into a braid. Her eyes were a bright green that were nothing compared to Dean’s, as Dean’s were kind and soft and beautiful, and hers were cold and harsh and murderous. She was maybe 30, huge, about Sam’s height, and must’ve weighed at about twice as Cas, but it wasn’t fat, no, it was all muscle. 

She was terrifying. 

Cas blinked, his brain attempting to catch up with what was happening when the girl took a step forward, and before he knew it, cold metal was pressed into his throat.

With a jolt, he realized it was a gun. 

“GIMME ALL YA GOT!” 

Cas blinked again, swallowing and not really understanding what the hell was going on; He looked down at the gun pressed into his skin. She pressed it harder into his chest, and his heart threatened to fall out, stepping forward once more to the point where their eyes were only a few inches apart. 

This wasn’t a normal mugger. Normal muggers kept you at arm’s length and screamed at you and looked behind them to check to make sure no one was coming while pointing the gun at your chest, not pressing it into your throat and getting up all close and dirty with murder in their eyes. 

“I will shoot you, pretty boy,” the girl drawled, her eyes devoid of all humanity, “don’t you think for a second I won’t.” Her breath smelled disgusting, like she hadn't brushed in months, and her face was dirty as hell, with huge bags under her eyes. “So spit up some moolah, pronto, or say goodbye,” she paused, fleering and looking up at his hands that were still in the surrender position, where the timer on his wrist was at 0, “to your soul mate.”

Dean.

That snapped Cas back immediately, the thought of Dean standing over his dead body was what made him brave enough to take a step backward. She immediately followed. Cas wondered for a second where her soul mate was, the introduction of soul mate timers had made crime go down by 90%, and the only criminals these days were people whose soul mates were also criminals, or…

Ahh. She didn’t have a timer on her wrist. People whose soul mates died had their timers removed the day of their funerals. 

“Listen,” he started, his voice shaky and terrified, “I don’t have any money on me, I swea-”

“BULLSHIT!” she bellowed, and she stepped even closer and pushed the gun so hard into his throat he was certain that it was digging into the insides of it now. 

He let out the sob, and begged, “Please, I really don’t…you can search me. Please. Please let me go.” Another sob emitted from his mouth, and Cas was so sure that this was it, he was going to die, and Dean was going to be one of those people who lost their soul mate when so young, and Anna and his parents would break apart, and then, worse, worse of all, Dean would eventually realize how much of a needy pathetic person he’d been and go off and have tons of sex and kids with Lisa in Kansas (she obviously had a soul mate of his own, but in his moment of panic, he failed to remember that fact), forgetting about him. 

Something that Cas couldn't quite pinpoint in the girl’s eyes changed, and, the gun still hammered into his throat, smirked and took a step back and looked him up and down. For a very prolonged minute, Cas thought that he had changed the girl’s mind. 

_Yesyesyes I’ve convinced her I have no clue how I did it but I did I’m going to live and become a lawyer after this_

Then she leaned forward, and…kissed him. 

It wasn’t anything like kissing Dean. Dean always kissed him and touched him and handled him like the most precious thing in the world, kissing Dean was fireworks and home and a warm feeling in your stomach. This kiss was disgusting, this girl tasted like cigarettes and dirt, and she was touching him all gross and…wrong. Everything was just wrong. 

He grunted, attempting to push her away but she nearly stabbed him with the gun and _was_ incredibly strong; She pushed him backward with one hand, hard, with the gun still in place and still kissing him, until he hit a wall and rock dug into his spine and pierced his skin. She pulled away, keeping him there with one elbow, and he took the moment to scream, tearing through him like a shard of glass. His heart thudded like a rock rattling in a box and the scream came again, desperate and terrified. 

She punched him in the jaw, hard, hard enough to shut him up. Cas groaned in pain and tears were free flowing down his face like condensation on a window pane, when he felt the girl kiss him again, then pull back, forcing him to look at her.

“You will do what I say, pretty boy,” she leered, her eyes all dirty and disgusting, “or…” she trailed off, bringing the gun down to exactly where is heart was. “Ya understand?”

He nodded. 

“Good,” she smirked, “now, take your pants off.”

****************************

Cas slid down against the wall, his cries echoing along the alley. When he cried there was a rawness to it, like the pain was still an open wound. He would clasp onto something for support, anything, and then his whole body would shake. The sobs were stifled at first, then overcome by the wave of his emotions he would break down entirely, all his defenses washed away in those salty tears. 

It was ruined. Everything was ruined. 

****************************

Great sobs racked Cas’s body as he clutched onto Dean, wrapped in a blanket in the backseat of the car. His parents drove that car, and Anna was sitting next to him.He was curled up around Dean, who was holding him. All Cas could hear were his own anguished cries, and Dean mumbling in his hair, trying to comfort him.

“I told her, Dean, I told her to stop, I told her I was a virgin, but she didn’t…she didn’t…!” he cried out. 

“I know, angel,” Dean hushed, “S’okay. S’okay. I’ll make everything better.” His voice cracked. “S’okay.”

“She just took it Dean. I can never get it back. She just-”

He faintly heard his mother and Anna crying, and Dean wrapped his arms around him tighter to protect him from those images. But it was too late. 

“Dean,” he simply said. “Dean.”

“Cas,” and the way that Dean’s voice caught was so heartbreaking; Wet tears dripped onto his head and Cas realized that Dean was crying too. “Cas.” 

“It was so dark, Dean. I’m scared of the dark.”

“I know, Cas. I know.” A wrangled, terrible sound escaped through Dean’s mouth and his chest heaved. “I know.”

“It’s ruined. It’s all ruined.”

“No,” Dean shook his head frantically, “no, it’s not. I promise. It’s not.”

Oh, but it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whispers* I'm sorry


	26. August 20th, 11:36:23 PM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'll watch over you"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be out of town next week and won't be able to update, so my next update is this Friday the 21st of November :)

When they had finally gotten to the Milton house, Cas had refused to go to bed. Instead, he announced that he wanted to take a bath. 

Mrs. Milton, understanding something that everyone else obviously didn’t, had quietly told everyone except Dean to go to bed. She had been crying ever since they had gotten the call from the police, and her face was brimmed with tears. She was a strong woman though, Dean knew, one of the strongest, and her face was filled with quiet strength and determination as she kissed Dean on the cheek and nodded at him, going to bed. 

Dean knew what that nod meant. Mrs. Milton was the most doting mother ever, but she knew when to back off. When to give someone else the responsibility, per se. And Dean knew exactly what she was telling him without words, as he held Cas up, who was silently staring upstairs at his bedroom door. 

_Take care of my son._

The shock hadn't really settled in yet, really, and as Dean helped Cas upstairs to his bathroom, he knew what had happened, yes, but it hadn’t really hit him. He silently got the bath running, hot water filling up the tub, and turned around to look at his soul mate, who was biting his nails and looking around, unblinking. His watery blue eyes darted this way, and Dean grabbed his arm and gently pulled him forward. Cas started, making a small scared noise in the back of his throat, but Dean pretended not to hear it, gesturing to the tub.

“Come on angel,” he whispered, because it just seemed like the right thing to do, “get in.”

Cas laughed, a bitter, wrong sound that as soon as Dean heard it he immediately winced and hoped to never have to hear it coming out of Cas’s mouth again, and replied, “Not an angel, anymore, Dean. She took that from me too.”

Dean didn’t know how to reply to that. He stared at Cas, waiting for him to say something else. 

“You’ll always be my angel.”

He shook his head wildly, and that’s when Dean noticed the blood caked on his lips. Resisting the urge to wipe it all away, he gestured to the bath again, repeating, “Come on ang-,” he stopped, “I mean, Cas. You wanted to take a bath.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled, and there was something weird about his eyes that Dean couldn’t quite place, “wanted to…wash it off.”

“Wash what off?”

Cas didn’t answer, just looked at Dean, and assuming that Cas wanted him to help, leaned forward and started taking off his soul mate’s coat. 

The reaction was immediate. Cas gave out a cry and jerked away so hard that Dean was pushed back into the wall, banging his head on the wall behind him. 

Cas screamed, and what a scream it was. It made Dean’s hair stand on end on the back of his neck; It was a scream of wild panic, and hysteria and disbelief, bordering on terror. Cas screamed again, bending over in two, his eyes wide and unblinking; Dean squeezed his eyes shut and plugged his ears with his fingers in an effort to not hear that horrible sound again, cause there was no way that was coming from Cas, no way. Cas was a dork who thought books were better than people and could quote Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings and To Kill A Mockingbird word for word at any given time, he laughed at stupid puns and had a secret obsession with Miley Cyrus. Cas was the type of person to find beauty in anything and anyone, and could say the most profound Aristotle shit and then turn around and make a joke about Beyonce and her turning into a Feyonce when she was engaged. Cas was the one that always had a smile on his face, even when he was tired or frustrated, there was always light in his eyes, full of hope.

And that’s when it hit him. 

Cas had been raped. Touched. More than that, in fact. He had someone else’s hands, someones filthy paws, all over him, A girl just waltzed up and took it all, came up and took his virginity and dignity and hope. Dean remembered earlier today, shit, was that just a few hours ago?, when Cas had screamed when he had seen the woman’s boobs on the TV. Everyone had always teased him for being a virgin, for wanting to wait; Dean even remembered Cas mumbling once in the middle of the night, all sleep drunk, that he wanted it to be Dean, that it had always been Dean. 

This shit was going to haunt him for the rest of his life. 

The desolation Dean felt, right then and there, was all consuming. His mind became an icy wasteland, the wind howled in his soul and wrapped icy tentacles around his heart so tightly it almost stopped beating.

Dean pressed his palm against his mouth, and looked down at his soul mate, who was on the floor, curled up into a little ball with his head stuck between his knees. A broken man. 

Closing the tap so the water stopped running, Dean slid down to sit across from Cas, and peeked at him through his fingers. Cas was trembling, and Dean hesitated before reaching over and tentatively resting his hand on his hair, which was wilder than Dean had ever seen it before. The Milton started, and Dean almost withdrew his hand, but then Cas suddenly grabbed it, sitting upright, his eyes darting this way and that, all wide and open and Dean realized that the thing that was wrong with Cas’s eyes was that he didn’t blink. Well, he did, but only when absolutely necessary, and it was fleeting, quick, rapid. 

_Is he…scared of blinking?_

At this point, Cas could be scared of anything. Dean had read something somewhere about triggers, how anything could be a potential trigger for a victim who had seen or been through something horrible. For Cas, it was blinking…or was it something deeper?

Cas’s pain was an ocean of unknowable depths, swift currents and lurking beasts. Dean stared at him, trying, in the first time in forever, to figure out what he was thinking, what he was feeling; Dean had always been able to figure Cas out, but now, not knowing, that scared him to no depths. 

Cas squeezed Dean’s hand, the one he was grasping, and found his eyes again, goggling at him.

When he finally spoke, his voice was rough. “Dean.”

Dean didn’t speak; He felt emotionally bankrupt. The was nothing left to feel, nothing left to say, nothing left but the void that enveloped his mind in swirling blackness.

Cas shook his hand. “Dean,” he repeated.

Dean rubbed his eyes with his other hand, shaking his head. Cas squeezed his fingers even tighter and Dean leaned ever so slightly forward, enough to let Cas know that he was here but not enough to scare him. 

“Yeah?” he asked, voice coarse.

Cas sat up even straighter, scooting forward. Dean didn’t move, not knowing what was okay, and oh God he hated that, he hated not knowing. Cas kept on scooting forward, and when their noses were mere centimeters apart, he took Dean’s other hand. In the light, up close, Dean could see the bruises on soul mate’s cheekbones, the blue welts scattered across his sharp cheeks like a disease. Cas saw him staring and grimly pulled his collar down to reveal a deep dark purple bruise lining his neck.

Battered, was the word. Such a simple word for a simple idea. But this was not simple. Cas’s sense of self, once a high and proud feeling of one destined for good things, now was as bruised and broken as his face. Dean wiped the dried blood from his lover’s pallid skin and stared into his empty eyes. He barely recognized him.

“Oh, Cas,” Dean breathed, tracing the bruises and wounds with his fingers, as light as a feather, “What did she do to you?”

Licking his dry lips, Cas shrugged gently, and wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist, leaning back and taking Dean with him. Dean tried to speak again, but Cas simply looked away, refusing to meet his eyes and staring at a crack in the wall behind him. 

Dean had never had an urge to kill someone. He, after all, was not a savage. Yes, he had done some pretty low things in his life, but that had always been for Sam, when they were younger and Dad gave them less than half of what he gave them now, and he had to do some drastic things for food or to pay bills. But killing someone, that was always out of the question. 

Right now, though, everything was different. 

He was filled with an overwhelming urge to kill her, kill that sick bitch who had done this to Cas. And if not kill, something worse. Dean swore right then and there, that he would get revenge. 

He was shaken out of his thoughts by Cas, who suddenly grabbed his shirt and pulled him forward. Dean almost toppled over on top of him, and Dean suddenly remembered that they were on the bathroom floor and the toilet was pretty far away from them, but this was still kind of gross. Also, they _really_ needed to get Cas cleaned up. 

He sighed, he would’ve never thought this before. Cas had turned him into such a girl. 

“Come on angel,” he mumbled, getting up and offering Cas his hand. Cas didn’t take it, using the wall for leverage and standing up by himself. Dark bags circled his eyes, and there was no other way to say it. He looked like shit. His coat clung to him like his body was a hanger, and his whole being drooped, all scrunched over and pathetic, like he had lost his very will to live. 

For all Dean knew, he might have very well have. 

*************************************

The bath forgotten, Dean left Cas in the bathroom for a moment and went downstairs to the kitchen to rummage in the medicine cabinet.

He found ibuprofen first, and then grabbed the vinegar and a glass of water, along with an ice pack. When he came back in Cas was washing his hands, drowning in soap. Dean waited until Cas was satisfied with the cleanliness of his hands, and then asked him, in a low voice to get on the counter, please. Cas either didn’t hear or listen, because he said that he was going to wash his hands again, just to make sure, and Dean had no idea what that meant but ignored him and lifted him onto the counter. Maybe it was the events that had occurred previously or just in general, but he was surprisingly light. 

Dean set the vinegar and ice pack down, and instructed Cas to take the ibuprofen pill, handing it to him in the palm of his hand. Cas obeyed, putting the pill inside his mouth mechanically and closing it, waiting for further instruction. Dean raised the glass of water to Cas’s lips and the Milton drank automatically, like a machine. 

It was sad, seeing Cas like this. Normally he would roll his eyes at being treated like a small child, and push Dean out of the way gently to do his own thing by himself. Now he was just here, waiting for further things to listen to, to obey. Dean almost wished that Cas would scoff at him, sigh and call him an idiot, something. But he just sat there, his Caribbean blue irises refusing to blink as he stared at Dean. 

Sighing, Dean set the water down when Cas was done with it, and took some vinegar out of the bottle, mixing it with some warm water and, ever so slowly, lifting Cas’s collar and rubbing it there with his fingers. Cas made a small noise, but other than that, didn’t react, and Dean, taking that as permission, worked his way up to Cas’s face, kneading his fingers into Cas’s skin where the bruises covered them. The Milton let out a minuscular breath. This was something that he had learned from Ellen, Bobby’s wife, another home remedy when Sam had came home with bruises all over his body one day in his freshmen year cause the boys at his school found out about their dad and Dean and were basically pissed that Sammy was smarter and not scared of them. That, of course, was before he had gotten his growth spurt. Dean had wanted to go over to Sam’s school and give those boys a piece of his mind and fist, but Sam had insisted not to. Ellen had rubbed vinegar with hot water on Sam’s bruises as Dean watched, helpless, explaining that vinegar increased blood flow near the skin's surface, so it helped to dissipate the blood that had pooled in the bruised area. 

Dean shook away the bad memory, and washed the vinegar away to grab the ice pack, putting it on Cas’s right cheekbone. Cas hissed at the sudden change in temperature, as he hadn’t really been paying attention and hadn’t been expecting it at all, and Dean leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead before realizing his mistake and jumping back. 

_Shitshitshitshit he’s gonna flip he made it very clear that he didn’t want that jesus christ I messed everything up_

But instead, Cas just looked at Dean. 

There was a long stretch of silence, as Dean panicked a little inside, frozen to the spot with the ice pack in one hand. He started counting heartbeats. 

_5 heartbeats._

Cas squinted at him, tilting his head like he always did. 

_10 heartbeats._

He leaned his bruised face forward slightly, not moving his body. 

_15 heartbeats._

Cas held his arms out to Dean, and the Winchester tentatively took his soul mate’s hands in his own, cupping them. The ice pack dropped to the floor. 

_20 heartbeats._

Dean stepped forward, and Cas nodded, so he took another one and another one and another one until his stomach was pressed up against Cas’s. 

_25 heartbeats._

Cas finally broke the silence. 

“Kiss me,” he whispered.

Dean leaned in and did just so, giving him a peck, but Cas shook his head and pulled him forward even more so; Sliding his hands around his neck, Cas smashed his lips into Dean’s. Dean reciprocated after a second, after he got over the shock, and held on tight to Cas’s waist. Cas’s hands slid down to roam around his back, but Dean pulled back to catch his breath. Before he knew it, Cas was kissing him again, and again, and again, and he was mumbling something about cleaning himself, washing, but Dean just kept on going because that’s what Cas wanted and Cas deserved to get what he wanted; Cas deserved the world, in fact, Dean would run to the edges of the universe if only to bring him back a star. Cas was crying silently, and Dean could feel the saltwater against his cheeks, but he pretended not to notice and just kept on kissing him until they both were out of breath and had to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point I'm just hoping y'all don't figure out where I live and come to my house in the middle of the night and murder me.


	27. August 21st, 5:34:19 AM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Of all the boys you could have landed  
> Why'd it have to be  
> Me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So, as I said, I'm out of town the whole week so I'm updating today, Friday, instead of Monday per usual. My next update will be on the December 8th, which is about 2 weeks from now, different from the usual 1 week, but I'm literally not going to have any time to write the next week! So ya, enjoy, stay safe, bundle up, and I'll see y'all then :)

Rough hands shook Dean awake, and he groaned, swatting them off before he remembered the…. _situation_ and shot up. Cas’s bedroom slowly came into view as his eyes adjusted to the light, but one thing didn’t come into view.

Cas.

Who had been right next to him on the bed last night.

_Shit._

Dean leapt out of the bed and before he could run out the bedroom the same hands that had awoken him grabbed his shoulder and forced him back. It was Anna, looking tired as hell in her cat pajamas and bun that didn’t even look anything near intentionally messy.

“He’s in the kitchen, making pancakes” she frowned and knit her eyebrows together, rubbing her eye, “and he’s…smiling and, saying that he’s fine and that he’s making a nice breakfast for us and….,” she sighed, “I woke you up cause-”

Dean waved her off, already starting to open the door and go downstairs to the kitchen. “I know.”

 

 

*********************************

He was singing.

_Singing._

It was an old twangy slow song, sung under the breath, and Dean was so confused and perplexed when he heard Cas singing it that he almost shook him, asking what the hell he was doing. Shiba was nuzzling his leg and as soon as she caught sight of Dean, scurried off. Smart cat, she had figured out that she wasn’t to be in the same room as the Winchester, and Cas laughed, making Dean’s stomach drop.

There he was, making pancakes with his wild hair and slender profile; The sun hadn’t risen yet, making the house all gloomy and dark, but Cas could be the sun himself, because he was smiling so wide and singing under his breath and this weird happiness shone from him.

It was all so wrong.

Dean didn’t know what to do, standing there in the kitchen doorway, with Anna behind him, waiting for him to make it all better.

And that’s what he was supposed to do, wasn’t it? He was supposed to make everything better, be needed, fix every problem because that was his one and only function, what he was good at.

And now had escaped him too.

Realizing that right now was probably not the best time to be wallowing in his own self pity, Dean tentatively stepped forward, running a hand through his hair. Cas flipped a pancake and put it on the stack to the right of him, that had so many pancakes in it that Dean was sure that Cas’s family and his combined couldn’t eat them all in 2 days. The mechanic cleared his throat, and Cas turned around, smiling all fake and wrong and Dean wanted to cry.

But even the smile couldn't hide what was obvious on Cas’s face: He hadn’t slept a wink. The bags under his eyes were never ending, and the sallow skin and puffy eyes spoke for themselves. He still wasn’t blinking unless necessary. When Dean had turned on the nightlight that Cas had to sleep with every night and went to bed with him, the Milton had become transfixed on the light, refusing to even close his eyes to go to sleep. Dean had attempted to coax him forever, but then he eventually gave up, keeping one hand on his chest, reminding him to breathe.

Cas had spent the whole night staring at the tiny source of light, too afraid to close his eyes. Dean felt like such a piece of shit for falling asleep on his soul mate, because he was supposed to take care of him. He should’ve waited to go to sleep after Cas had, to make sure everything was alright.

“Look Dean,” Cas said, with cheer in his voice, and Dean winced, “I made pancakes!”

He forced himself to smile, nodding. “I can see that angel.”

Cas squinted, frowning a little. “Angel,” he repeated softly, “angel.”

“Yeah. Angel.”

Cas looked like he was about to say something else, scrunching his eyebrows together just like Anna had just did not two minutes ago, but then decided against it, shaking his head and turning his attention to making yet another pancake. The fake smile returned to his face.

“I was thinking about giving some to her when we find her.”

He said it so nonchalantly, like he said that he thought it was going to rain tomorrow maybe, or that they could go to lunch or something.

Dean stood there, frozen in shock. He heard Anna intake a sharp breath faintly behind him.

“What?” he breathed, too rattled to say anything else.

“I said-”

“I know what you said, damnit!” Dean yelled, losing it. “I know…I know what you said. I just-” He stopped, looking for the right words. “Her,” Dean hissed, his fists clenched, and Cas, eyes wide, took a step backwards. The knuckles grasping his spatula were white. “Your rapist,” he said, spitting the word out like poison.

When Cas had finally gotten to pick up the phone and call the police, the girl was long gone. They had taken him to the station, took all his clothes for any biological evidence, and gave him some used torn old ones. When they had gotten the call, Cas had been talking to his assigned rape crisis center trained advocate, a smart professional woman named Kate Hamilton. After taking a physical exam with a doctor who had been called on scene and Kate, they had left. Kate had given them their card and said that she was going to be very close in touch with them until they found the girl, and to go home and try to get some rest.

Anna made a small noise, bringing Dean back to the present, and the only noise in that godforsaken kitchen was the ticking of the clock and the sizzling of the pancake on the pan. What seemed like hours passed by, and Dean realized how close he was standing to Cas, only a few inches from his face, teeth gritted and hands cliched into fists.

Cas finally spoke, a bare whisper. “Please don’t be mad at me.” he swallowed, blinking more than he had been in the past minutes and Dean eased, backing away and unclenching his fists.

An awkward silence followed that until Anna spoke, breaking it. “So,” she started, wavering and uncertain, and she shrunk under Cas’s gaze, “I haven’t seen Sam in a while. Maybe we could go see him today.”

Cas nodded, his blue eyes turning to the pancake on the pan, flipping it. The smile was wiped off his face, and, call him sadistic, but Dean was glad that he didn't have to look at that fake sickening thing anymore. There was a pause as Cas nodded slowly, and replied with a monotone voice that yeah, that would be nice.

The conversation from then on was pained, limited, with tension heavy in the air. Not how it was supposed to be. After a few moments Cas suddenly said that he was going to take a shower, and, putting the spatula down, went upstairs to his bathroom.

“But you just took a shower….when you woke up!” Anna called after him, but he ignored her and she sighed, rubbing her face. Dean shrugged at her, sitting down at the table where Anna across from him.

“I hate this,” the redhead whispered,“I hate it so much.”

“Yeah, me too, Anna.”

“Pretending everything’s okay when it’s not and they heaven found the girl yet and I just…!” she bit back a sob, blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay. Dean grimaced, closing his eyes. “I don’t know what to do, Dean.” she groaned. “I don’t know.”

_Me neither. And I’m supposed to know. I’m supposed to know what to do all the time because I’m supposed to take care of people. Of Cas._

He didn’t voice those thoughts, forcing himself to be rational. “Well, his advocate Kate told us she’ll be in touch soon to help us find her so…”

Anna nodded, hastily wiping her tears on her eyes away. “I wonder what soon means.”

“Probably today. Maybe. I hope so.”

“Yeah.”

She sighed, and said, “I’m just scared that…he’s never going to be okay again, yanno?”

Dean shook his head, unwilling to even think that. “He’ll be okay. He just needs time. Like you did after the accident, remember?”

Anna bit her lip, taking her hair to the side and dividing it into three parts absentmindedly, starting to braid it. Perhaps it was a nervous tick of hers. “Well,” she started, “I got better when I met my soul mate. I mean. My soul mate. And I still don’t feel quite whole again. Like something’s off, not really there. That’s only on bad days, though. But what if he-”

Snapping at her, Dean interrupted. “Shut up.”

She nodded, agreeing of a sort, and continued to braid her hair in the silence.

When she spoke a few minutes later, with a strange look on her face, it was as slow as molasses, careful and deliberant. “When they find her, what do you think they’ll do to her?”

Dean felt sick when he realized that they would probably just throw her in jail. No. She deserved worse than just jail. Way worse than jail. Jail was where people who had done morally better things than rape someone went. She deserved to be punished, to be destroyed, obliterated until there was nothing left.

The Winchester hadn't really thought about the girl in that much depth, just what had happened to Cas, really. But now he did, and anger flared up in his chest, threatening to pour out of him. He wanted to rip something apart with his bare hands, feel the destruction. Burning rage hissed through his body like deathly poison, screeching a demanded release in the form of violence. He resisted, taking a deep breath, and said, still shaking, “Something bad, I hope. Worse than jail.”

Anna hummed in agreement, just like Cas did all the time, and finished braiding her hair to twist a ponytail holder around the end of it. Dean focused on the expert movement of her hand, to give himself something to hold on to, until he heard Cas come back into the kitchen and turned to give him a smile.

That is, until Cas saw the black burnt pancake on the pan and screamed. Loud.

“No! No!” he shouted, and Dean ran to him to put comfort him, but Cas shook it off, all wide eyes and pointing at the burnt pancake. “No! Please! nO! NO!” Dean grabbed his arm, yanking him back, away from the stupid ass pancake, and Anna ran to the stove and turned it off. Cas was screaming to the point where Dean wouldn't be surprised if he lost his voice, he somehow screamed with his whole body. The eyes wide with horror, the mouth rigid and open, his chalky face gaunt and immobile, the fists clenched with blanched knuckles and the nails digging deeply into the palms of his hand.

“Cas!” Dean shouted,“Cas listen to me!” Dean was vaguely aware of Cas’s parents, awoken by the noise, standing by the doorway of the kitchen and watching, worried as hell. Anna grabbed the pancake and, with a scared and I have no idea what the hell I’m doing look on her face, gave it to Cas. Cas screamed once more and glared down at the pancake in his hand, then at his mom and dad, then at Dean, and finally the pancake again. He threw it on the floor with force and his dad yelled at him to stop it right now Castiel but he didn’t listen, and pointed at the pancake once more. “It’s ruined!” he shrieked. “I was going to make it all better, give them to her and make it all better and she wouldn’t be so terrible and…and…and…ruined! Ruined!”

Mrs. Milton stepped forward and tried to gather him into her arms, but he shoved her off. “It’s okay, baby,” she soothed, rubbing his back, “it’s okay. You made so many more.” Cas didn’t look like he was right there in the moment, staring at that damn pancake, and Mr. Milton flicked his gaze to Dean’s, then Anna’s. Just for a millisecond, then he went back to awkwardly standing behind his wife and watching his 20 year old kid flip out about a pancake, but it was there, to check on how the other two were doing. It felt good.

Cas nodded as his mother whispered words to him, and she reached up (since Cas was slightly taller than her) and kissed him on the temple; Dean felt a pang of longing at that, but he wiped it away because it wasn't about him right now. It looked like Cas was slowly calming down, clutching on to his mother. That is, until Anna spoke.

“Do you want us to help you make more?”

Cas turned to look at her, and his face twisted into something scared, ugly. He didn’t scream, thank God, but just stared at her, and Dean wondered how much time a human being could possibly go without blinking because Cas was really pushing that limit here.

“Your hair,” he whispered, his one hand still scrunched up in his mom’s shirt.

Anna nodded, and let out a nervous laugh. “It’s always been this way, Cassie. Red.”

He shook his head, looking terrified, to the point where Dean wanted to rip out whatever in Anna’s hair that was bothering Cas to get that terrible look off of his face. “Yeah, but you’re wearing a braid.”

She ran her hand through the braid. “Yeah, I am.”

Cas stepped backwards, eyes wide. “Please,” his voice cracked, “take it off.”

Frowning, Anna obliged, removing the strands, and when done, Cas visibly relaxed. He blew out a deep breath, wiping his palms on his jeans, and went over to the stove and turned it on again. There was a thick silence in the room, and Mr. Milton tentatively grabbed the burnt pancake on the floor and threw it in the trash.

“I’m going to make more pancakes.” Cas announced, and he poured more batter onto the pan, the sizzling noise the only sound in the heavy silence.

The only thing that Dean could think, in that moment, was this:

Why Cas?

 

**August 20th, 2:34:19 PM**

“Hey,” Dean muttered rather to himself than Cas, leaning against a bookshelf in Cas’s room,“maybe we should go see Sam. You like Sam.” He looked up at his soul mate, who was pacing the room, distraught and absolutely wrecked. “Instead of just sitting here waiting for the call.”

“She said that she’ll be in touch soon, Dean!” Cas grumbled, frustrated and almost ripping his hair out. “Soon!”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Kate’ll call any minute now. Just,” he sighed, and held his arms out to Cas, who crawled into them, “you’re so worked up.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas whispered, and Dean kissed his hair, “I dunno what to do.”

Stroking his soul mate’s hand with his thumb, Dean shifted to a more comfortable position, burying his face into Cas’s soft hair. Cas sighed, curling into a small ball and let Dean hold him. “Let me take care of you,” Dean mumbled into his hair. “I’ll take care of you. I’ll make it all better.”

Shaking his head, Cas groaned, “No. No. This is my fault.”

Dean was shocked, and grabbed Cas’s face to force him to look up at his face. Fury building up in his chest, he wildly shook his head. “No.” he protested fiercely. “No.”

But Cas continued nonetheless. His blue eyes darted around the room, scared and no doubt thinking all these terribly wrong thoughts, “I used to judge people all the time, and-”

“No no no no no no no no,” Dean repeated over and over again, like a mantra, because no way in hell was Cas convincing himself of such a terrible thing. “It’s not your fault. No.”

_It’s mine._

But Cas already knew what he was thinking, and now it was his turn to shake his head wildly. “I just wanted to do something by myself,” his voice caught, “not be such a baby all the time.”

Dean wanted to yell, scream at Cas about how horribly wrong that was, but Cas just put a finger to Dean’s lips and continued talking.

“I wanted to do something by myself and then I try to and I go and get myself…” he was crying now, bright eyes leaking out silent tears and Dean wiped some away with his thumb. “She wouldn’t stop,” he wailed, “I tried to fight her and I just couldn’t and I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry,” he kept on repeating it over and over and over again, sobbing, “I’m so sorry I’m so sorry Dean please I’m sorry please,” and that’s when Dean started crying too, near hyperventilating, protesting.

“No no no no no no no please don’t cry please don’t cry please,” Dean suppressed a pathetic sob, pressing his palm into his mouth to prevent it from spilling out, “don’t cry please this is all my fault I was supposed to take care of you remember?” Cas shook his head, burying it into the crook of Dean’s neck, his shoulders shaking up and down as he sobbed. “No, no, please,” Dean begged, and his voice cracks as he wrapped an arm around Cas’s back, resting his chin on the Milton’s shoulder. “Remember Cas? Your shit is my shit, remember? Don’t you remember?”

He was crying so hard, shit, he was such a stupid girl, and then Anna came in and Dean realized just how much noise they had probably been making, and then she started crying too and came in and wrapped her arms around the boys and they all clung to one another, pathetically.

And then the phone rang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also the formatting is very messed up cause AO3 is great but a lot of times it can...ugh! Anywhore, a lot of things should be italicized but aren't. Such as Dean's thoughts, "It's mine", "Why Cas?", and "Me neither. And I’m supposed to know. I’m supposed to know what to do all the time because I’m supposed to take care of people. Of Cas.", among others. Also a lot of words that both Cas and Dean yell are supposed to be italicized, along with the description of expression on Anna's face. :)


	28. August 21st, 2:34:19 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, wow, I had to really really work to get this in on time and updated, cause I was unbelievably sick. Still am. Ugh. So if this sucks or has a lot of errors, tell me. I won't mind. Anywhoo, next update is next week as usual, the 15th of December.

Cas shifted in his seat uncomfortably. Dean scratched the back of his right knee, the nervous tick that he had picked up after the glass in his knee so long ago had been removed, coughing. Kate Hamilton clicked away on her computer, her pretty petite 5 feet frame obviously convincing Dean, by the frown on his face as he stared at her, that they would need someone a bit tougher to be their advocate. 

Cas just wanted to find her. _Her._ Whoever she was. He wondered how long until they would find out her name and stop having to refer to her as…well…her. He just wanted to see her face again, find her and look at her and say…whatever he was going to say. He hadn't worked that out yet. He just wanted to have the last word. 

Maybe he would apologize. Maybe he would spit in her face. Maybe he would do both at the same time. Maybe he would-

“Castiel,” Kate said, snapping him out of his thoughts. He jumped, looking up to see Dean, his family, and Kate both staring at him expectedly. Dean reached over and took his hand, rubbing his thumb over Cas’s, and Kate raised her eyebrows, her red lipstick stained lips scrunching up. Her long beautiful thick Indian black hair was tied up in a high ponytail, perfect and professional. Despite Dean thinking that she was some pretty little weakling, Cas could tell just by talking to her the other night that she was going to turn out to be one of those fierce powerful woman who could cut a man’s heart in half with a high heal shoe and eat it while still being the kindest person you knew. Cas already admired her and he barely knew her. 

“Do you hear what I said?” she asked. Her voice was like smooth, like butter, professional and polished. He felt like an idiot, sitting in front of her in her office with Dean in the other chair and his parents standing behind him. A complete stupid idiot. 

_Then again, I went and got myself raped. I **am** an idiot._

He shook his head, and she recited patiently, like she had done this millions of times. “We’re going to have to take care of the most basic piece of information first. Do you or do you not want to press charges?”

When he paused, staring at her, then his parents, who were just watching him, and Dean, who was too, she added, “You’re an adult, so it’s your choice. Not your soul mate, not your parents, yours.”

There was an uncomfortable silence as Cas paused, staring at his palms. They were sweaty. He needed to take another bath. A longer one this time. Dean cleared his throat loudly, probably holding back the urge to yell at him, that _of course you should press charges what the hell are you even thinking about it for?!_

But he couldn’t. This was all his fault. He had walked into that stupid dark alley, he had wanted to prove how much a goddamn man he was. Look where it got him. In the office of a rape advocate and his soul mate constantly worrying about him.

God, he was such a baby. Such a little kid. 

_I’m not an adult. Being an adult is knowing what to do, never doubting yourself. I’m still a stupid child._

He was just about to say that, no, he didn't want to press charges, but he just wanted to find her, see her again. It was so twisted, and he didn't know what the hell was wrong with him, and that’s when he caught hold of his dad’s face in the reflection of the window. 

He looked terrible. Cas’s dad was a overworked doctor who pretended to be professional and businesslike at the hospital, but in reality was a dork who cooked terrible tasting pancakes for his family every Sunday and had a weird obsession with the French Revolution. He sang songs by an old band called the Beatles enthusiastically every time there was a silence, and fell asleep when watching action movies. And right now, he was looking at Cas like his whole world was crashing down in front of him because he knew. He knew that Cas was going to say no. And the look on his face, utter…whatever the hell it was, was more than he could bear. 

“Yes.” Cas announced a little too loudly, making Dean jump because there had been an incredibly lengthy silence. He blinked quickly, not wanting to be in the dark more than he had to-it was stupid, he knew- and continued, “I want to press charges.” Kate smiled at him softly, nodding and writing something down on her computer. 

He heard a soft sigh come from his parents and Dean in the room, and Kate offered him a Kit-Kat from the jar on her desk. It was kind of weird, but who was he to judge, so he shook his head no and she put it back in the jar, folding her hands together. 

“So,” she started, and Cas heard a sliver of excitement in her voice. After all, she wasn't that much older than Dean, probably, still young. Maybe 25, 26. Her olive skin glowed in the light, her black eyes widened, and she suddenly smiled widely.It was a huge contrast to everyone else in the room, that was for sure. “Let’s go catch us a rapist.”

Dean winced. Cas was really going to have to do something about him learning to trust Kate if they were going to do this, and he saw his parents in the reflection of the window grimace. They only thing that Cas could think that if he hadn't been so stupid and gotten himself raped, none of this would happen and his loved ones wouldn't be so unhappy. But of course, he did. He always screwed something up.

**August 20th, 3:06:18 PM**

Cas huffed loudly, slamming the door open to the Winchester house, startling Sam, who was sitting in the dining room table over a pile of books. The youngest Winchester blinked, jumping, and stood up too quickly, knocking two chairs over.

“Hey, guys,” he stuttered out, raising his hand to wave but decided against it and ended up scratching at his head awkwardly. “I, um, heard about…Dean called me and…uh…”He gave up, and resorted to looking down at his feet. Cas nor Dean didn't even do so much to bat an eye at him, continuing their arguing. 

“Ok, yeah, but, we all know that the whole, psychological counseling, or whatever that that Kate suggested, is complete bullcrap, and that just serves my point.” Dean argued as he walked into the door after Cas, banging the door shut, “I mean, come on Cas! We should just go do this ourselves. It’s obvious that this Indian chick isn't gonna do shit. I mean, look at her!”

“Don’t be rude, Dean!” Cas snapped back, crossing his arms tightly and turning around to glare at his boyfriend, “Just because she’s a woman and of a different race doesn’t mean that you should underestimate her.”

“That’s not the _point_ , damnit, and you know it.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Cas saw Sam blink a couple of times, and set the chairs around him straight, sinking down in one. He had obviously decided that this was something that he didn't want to get involved in. Smart boy. 

Dean’s voice snapped him back. “We can, we find her, probably ten times faster than the cops or Kate ever could.”

“Dean, really? They’re trained professionals.”

And we really need to find _her_ as soon as possible because…” he hesitated.

Cas crossed his arms even tighter against his chest. “Because what?” he asked fiercely, daring Dean to say it. 

_To fix me._

_That’s what he’s going to say, isn’t it? To fix me. Because I’m a pathetic, broken, child._

_I’m disgusting._

Dean’s clenched his jaw, and dropped his gaze, turning around to stare at some random spot on the wall and completely avoid Cas’s gaze. When he spoke, it was much softer, lighter, sadder. “Because they’ll just throw her in some jail, lie about what she did to the inmates so they don’t bear her up, and that’ll be it. She deserves to be…punished more than just that.”

“Well if we play the right moves and go along with Kate and the cops, then maybe not.”

Dean’s face suddenly flamed red, turning on Cas like an enraged panther. Cas blinked. Almost. Just almost. 

“No it won’t, I’ve seen it happen, Castiel,” Dean spat out his full name like he wanted to get it out of his mouth as quickly as he could. That made Cas flinch. “I never told you, but after we moved from Lawrence? Yeah. We didn't move a few miles away from our old house. We didn't move here when I was 16 just cause dad saw one of mom’s friends in some public place and freaked. We went around living in trashy motel rooms all over the country because dad gambled and lost when drunk, then spent money on beer to feel better, then gambled again. We lived in places where even the lowest of the low couldn't look at. And we saw things. We learned things.” His face was turning different shades of red by the minute, and his green eyes were harsh, furious, almost…black. No, not black, a lot of nothing. Like a depth of ever-ending darkness combined with a large amount of charcoal. Sam opened his mouth to say something, even standing up and beginning to walk over, but Dean held out a hand in the “stop” gesture and he froze. “I learned things, Cas. Dad. He…Cas, you don’t even know. There was a Christmas where I had to steal presents from one of the houses up the street from our motel in Indiana, so 8 year old Sam still believed in Santa.” Cas could see Sam’s look of surprise in the corner of his eye. “The first time money ran out and dad wasn't back, I shoplifted the first time.” Cas and Sam’s eyes both got wider and wider at each thing he listed. And, of course, the worst one came last. “My favorite time was when money ran out just a week after dad was gone, and that night I learned that if I fluttered my eyelashes and bit my lips in the right way then I could get someone to take me behind a bar and give me a twenty in exchange for a hand job!” He yelled that sentence out, the scream so loud Cas was so sure that the neighbors were going to call any minute and complain. There were tears in Sam’s eyes and he quickly blinked them away with his hand, but Cas just stared. 

“And I’ve seen woman, men, countless people,” Dean continued, breathing heavily and his face turning back to normal slowly, “raped. And not one of their rapists, Cas,” he grabbed his soul mate’s hand fiercely and held it to his chest, “not one, got what they deserved.” He stepped forward and Cas could see Sam watching with teary eyes, but couldn't care less because Dean kissed him hard on. “I want to gank her.”

Oh.

_Oh._

He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but no words came out. What do you say to something like that? I’m sorry? I wish that didn't happen? I wish I could brutally murder all the people who were the cause of you and your brother seeing and learning such things myself, and not rest until they get a punishment that I see fit?

Oh.

_Oh._

Then Cas understood _everything._

Dean loved him. He cared for him. He wanted to probably do the worst thing to her that someone could in all creation could do to a human being. And Kate was in the way of letting him track the woman down himself and completely _obliterate_ her.

There was a lengthy heavy silence in the room because Cas didn't even know when to start, and Sam broke it by clearing his throat loudly. 

“So, uh…” This time, though, Cas and Dean actually looked at Sam. “I bought champagne, cause I figured you guys would drop by soon enough. Not the cool kind, though. The really bad cheap $10 kind.”

Cas frowned, squinting his eyes and turning his head in the way that he knew that Dean hated, and Sam accepted his confused state as agreement and went into the kitchen to grab it. he mood shifted and the heavy thick air was replaced by the sound of Sam clinking around in the kitchen looking for the bottles and…something weird in the air that Cas couldn’t quite place. 

Sighing, he flopped down on the empty couch and Dean followed suit, flopping down next to him and turning to look at his soul mate with tired eyes. Cas saw Dean give him a faint smile of a sort, at least, he lifted the corner of his mouth, and he tried to make himself smile back, but he was sick of pretending and smiling and it hadn't even been 24 hours since. Dean reached over and took his hand, squeezing it gently, and it wasn't everything they had been before, but for that moment, it was okay. It was enough. Dean leaned into Cas and pressed a chaste kiss into Cas’s cheek, and stayed there, his eyes closed.

Sam came back with three cups filled to the brim with champagne, and offered it to his brother and Cas, who both asked in unison, “What’re we celebrating?”

“You, Cas.”

Cas frowned again. “Me?”

“Yeah, and Dean. And me. And all the good people in the world. We don't celebrate that enough. Who does?”

“But,” Dean said, “We haven't really done anything.”

Sam smiled, raising his glass up in a toast dramatically and Cas and Dean did the same so they didn't look like idiots. 

“We’re living.”

He turned the TV on, and a blonde girl with a single braid down her back appeared on the screen.

Cas excused himself to take a shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do ya’ll think of Kate? :)


	29. August 28th, 2:46:09 PM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "and i told you to be patient  
> and i told you to be fine  
> and i told you to be balanced  
> and i told you to be kind"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update is going to be on the 22nd, and hopefully I'll be able to deliver, considering it's so close to Christmas and all. If I can't, I'll just change the date on here and ya'll will know if ya'll wake up on the 22nd and there's nothing there. I feel so unprofessional with these dates, but it's the holidays and who knows if I have a spontaneous trip to wherever! If I can't deliver, cause with finals and the holidays, (it's SUCH a busy week wow), then I say with all my heart, happy holidays! Anywhore, ya'll are annoyed of reading me ramble on, so I'll stop. Enjoy :)

Kate kept her face straight and professional as Cas had a goddamn mental breakdown in her office.

“I understand what you’re feeling, Castiel. But-”

“No you don’t!” Cas yelled out through gritted teeth. “You don’t understand! No one…no one…understands.”

Her face clean and devoid of emotion, Dean had to fight the urge to stab Kate with the pencil that was currently lying on her desk. Her gaze flitted over to him as he tried to calm his soul mate down, holding him and whispering soothing nothings into his ear.

_Screw this lady, she can’t be more than 2 years older than me. How the hell is she going to catch this stupid rapist?_

Cas calmed down a little, enough for Kate to continue talking. “You’re going to have to write it all down and talk about it in detail soon enough, Castiel.”

_Holy shit, does she not get that he’s not ready?!_

“All in your own time, of course, but soon enough. It’s crucial to catching your rapist.”

Taking deep breaths and finally sitting up properly in his chair, Cas fidgeted and winced at the sound of “rapist”, as Dean literally had to use all his will power not to slap the pretty petite short Indian in front of him. She stood up, and Dean was just about to grab Cas and run the hell out of there when she turned her computer desk around, revealing a picture of a large white ugly chick, blonde with green eyes, a single long braid running down her braid. She looked like a body builder. Her information was listed to the left of her picture. Kate paced the floor in her suit, her black eyes studying the picture as she bit her lip.

“Her name is Agnesse Kolesov,” and Cas visibly drew back from the picture of her, starting to hyperventilate almost, the knuckles clutching his chair turning white, “Russian. Surprisingly, her first name means chaste, holy.” She smiled for a second at her own joke, and Cas looked miserably up at her until she realized, probably, that it really wasn't the best time, and quickly wiped the smirk off her face. Dean glared at her, then back at the picture.

“She immigrated from Russia when she was 12 and has been living in this area since,” Kate continued, “she’s 35 years old. She’s had 4 illegitimate children so far that she put up for adoption. She’s been in jail a few times for shoplifting and mugging, but not too long.” Kate grimaced and that was the first time that Dean saw her show compassion for them, looking down on the floor and closing her eyes as Dean, intrigued, leaned closer to the screen to get a better look as Cas shrunk back and squeezed his eyes shut.

Agnesse. That was her name. Such an ugly name. She had freckles all over her face, and had the same color shade of eyes as Dean, which made him shudder. How must’ve that felt for Cas? To look into the same eyes of his soul mate and…Dean felt a shiver run down his back. Her hair was long and blonde and in a braid, and Dean suddenly understood why Cas was afraid of woman in braids. Her face was scrunched up, in a mean smirk even though this was an old headshot, and Dean remembered Cas mumbling in the middle of the night that he kept on hearing her voice, the low, deep, disgusting growl that he couldn't get out of his head when he made himself go to sleep. She was so revolting, terrible that Dean wanted to scream and shout and spit in her face all at the same time. How dare she? How dare she do something like that to someone he loved?

Dean made a promise to himself right there and then that if-no, not if-when they caught her, he would make her life a living hell.

He turned around to look at Kate, who hadn't said anything in a while, and saw that she was looking down at the ground in respect to them, her hands shaking and her eyes closed, and suddenly, Dean understood her.

How long had Kate been doing this? A couple of years, maybe? She was obviously experienced, she sure acted like it and had said an offhanded comment about a rapist she had caught a couple years back, so she knew what she was doing. But she was 25, 26, maybe. She was too young for this and she was trying not to let the job get to her by being overly enthusiastic and offering Kit-Kats and making ironic jokes about names. Dean felt kind of sorry for her, and made himself promise (again-he had made himself promise two things that minute, and it was getting kind of old, actually) that he would try to be nicer to her.

Kate looked up and caught his eye, and she grimaced again; Cas squeezed his eyes and Dean’s hand even more so, and Dean nodded at the advocate. She cleared her throat and kept on going, slowly gaining back the professional demeanor. “It’s great that we’ve identified her so fast, but she’s not very smart and kept a lot of evidence and DNA on your clothing,” Cas slowly opened his eyes to peer at the screen through small dimmed eyes before completely closing them again, taking a very shaky deep breath, “most rapists take a very long time to identify. Mostly because a lot of officials think that the case is not really their first priority.” She sighed, picking at a fingernail. She had dealt with a lot of things in the past. “A lot of people mistreat victims of such things and wave off their cases as trivial, Castiel. Don’t be too bothered by it. It’s normal. Just remember that you are important and your case is very, _very_ , important.”

Cas turned to her and smiled, more like lifted the corners of his mouth, but hey, it was a start, and Kate smiled back at him. “They gave us this very quickly, actually. Mostly because I think they’re scared of Dean getting back in there and yelling at them again.” Dean shrugged and she smiled at him, this time though, he actually smiled back.

She turned her attention back to her client, pressing the button on her remote and turning the laptop off from where she was pacing across the room. “As I was saying, Castiel-”

“Please,” Cas said, waving his hand aimlessly and rubbing at his temples, “it’s just Cas.”

“Cas, then.” She seemed pleased to have gained access to his nickname, and along with that, his trust. “It will be extremely hard for you to write down and talk about every single detail involving your…” she hesitated, and Cas nodded, “…your rape. But it is essential if we want to catch Agnesse.”

Pointing to Agnesse’s face on the screen, Dean frowned. “If we know who she is, why can’t we just go and catch her? Her address is literally listed right here.”

Kate sat down back in her seat, frowning as well. “She ran away after…the incident with Cas. God knows where she is. Also, even if we knew where she was, we would have to get the most amount of evidence as possible in court to ensure that she gets the punishment she deserves. A lot of times the rapist is caught, but officials blame the victim or let the rapist go because they don’t want to “ruin their lives” or whatever. Rapists are treated exceptionally well in court.” She clenched her hands into fists, and wiped her tongue onto her teeth, like trying to get rid of a bad taste in her mouth. Her face twisted like she had just ate something sour, and her voice dropped into pure disgust. “It’s revolting.”

The couple both nodded, Cas with his hand clutching Dean’s hand so tightly that it kind of hurt, all sweaty and gross, and Dean with a burning rage sweltering inside of him.

Kate blinked, pausing for a moment before starting to rummage through her desk. She came up with a business card and presented it to the both of them. Dean studied the card. It was for someone named Sandra Watson, a psychological counselor, and Dean fought the urge to roll his eyes and give the card back to her. Cas frowned and shook his head slightly, turning around to glance at Dean, then Kate.

“It’s just a suggestion. It’ll really help, though.” She bit her lip again, fidgeting with her hands as she looked at the skeptical and worried looks on Cas and Dean’s faces. “So you don’t end up going down the wrong road, such as…” She hesitated, her voice quiet. “Drugs, or something. “

Dean fought the urge to roll his eyes. She meant well, but she obviously didn't know Cas if she thought that he would do drugs to cope. The guy had drunk a grand total of twice in his life, a half bottle of wine, and a half bottle of vodka. Cas was going to be fine.

Right?

 

**August 31st,12:58:30 PM**

“Listen to me, Cas.” Eric said urgently, and Cas sighed into his hands, rubbing his face before forcing himself to look at his sister’s soul mate. “You really could get help. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

Dean rolled his eyes, protesting. “He’ll be fine, Eric! We’ll be fine. It’s gonna be ok, OK? Cas just needs time, and we’re gonna give it to him.”

He forced himself to smile and nod, because that’s what he was expected to do when he was sitting in his living room in a circle with Dean, Sam, Jess, Anna, and Eric with the TV on for some reason. Jess put her small pale hand on his knee in a reassuring gesture, and he hated himself for flinching so quickly, but he did and she quickly withdrew her hand. Anna caught the gesture and glared at him, as if making her stupid you need counseling point even more.

The truth was, Cas really didn't care whether or not he went to counseling or not. He knew it really wasn't going to do much for him anyway. What were they to do in there, anyway?

_Our scene starts with bright lights on a single black chair in a dark, cold room. There is Castiel sitting on the chair, sweating. His palms are visibly shaking. A woman sits across from him, away from the light, with a notebook and a pen. There are glasses perched on her nostrils._

_Woman: So, how are you feeling?_

_Cas: Terrible. I just got raped. How do you think?_

_Woman: Mmm-hmm. *writes down something in her notebook.* And how do you feel about that?_

_Cas: Terrible. I literally just said that._

_Woman: Mmm-hmm. *writes down more stuff in her notebook.*_

_*awkward silence*_

_Cas: So, aren’t you supposed to help me get better, or something?_

_Woman: Mmm-hmm. *writes down even more stuff in her notebook.*_

_This goes on for the entire session, forever and ever until Cas eventually stabs himself with the very pen she is writing down things with out of anger and frustration of hearing “mmm-hmm”._

“Cas? Cas!” He was taken back to the real world by Sam, who was looking at him, worried, “Did you hear what I said?”

He shook his head, and Sam repeated his words. Something about…something. Cas found himself not caring what a lot of people said to him these days. In fact, he found himself not really caring at all. About people, about eating, about life. He felt himself slowly slipping away from the real world, into some kind of dream like state where only he and his thoughts existed. Maybe that was better. That way he couldn't hurt anybody. Not get himself raped again. Not be such a child all the time.

_God, I hate myself._

He faintly heard Sam sigh, asking “You’re still not really listening, are ya?” and he didn't bother replying. Anna let out a spontaneous scream of frustration at him, and he felt like screaming too, screaming and shouting and throwing a huge fit, but he had done enough shit like that before and the people he loved were already getting so annoyed at him. So he swallowed all the pain and anger, keeping it in.

Jess started talking. “Darling, we’re all here cause we care about you. We love you, and want what’s best for you.” She took his face in her hands, cupping it and bringing him closer, her eyes searching his dead face. Tell us what you’re thinking,” she whispered, and he wanted to, he really did, but he knew that if he did they wouldn't love him anymore and want to get as far away as possible from him. So he just shook his head and she sighed, releasing his face and he drew back.

There was a long, heavy, silence, until someone suggested that they go out for lunch to get their mind off things, and everyone agreed, getting up and putting their shoes and jackets on. Cas agreed as well, so they wouldn't realize that there was something seriously wrong with him and ask what he was thinking again, smiling and talking to everyone like everything was alright because they didn't know and couldn't know.

But oh! If only they did.

 

**September 5th, 7:20:09 PM**

It was getting chilly again, dropping down to the low 60s, and Dean remembered when Sam and him used to wish for snow, but now that they lived here, they started loving the snow less and less every year. Cas, who had lived here his whole life, was to the point where he usually rolled his eyes and groaned whenever there was any indication of snow.

He shut the door to the Impala gently, grinning a little to himself as he glanced at the take out bags for the burgers.

Cas loved burgers just as much as him; He had found that out when they had first went to the burger place for Dean’s birthday, the night he’d kissed him, and had bit into one and smiled widely, announcing that “These make me very happy, Dean.” It made Dean quite sad knowing that he could never introduce his soul mate to the wonder and joy of cheeseburgers because he was vegetarian, but at least the dork still thought that tofu burgers were just as good. Let the guy live in his little pocketed oblivious world.

There was no one in Cas’s house tonight, he knew, and Dean was looking forward to enjoying just spending time with his boyfriend like normal. Maybe they would even watch Harry Potter or something, and cuddle, and then it would really be like olden times, before all this shit happened and Cas wasn't broken and they were trying to catch a rapist.

He unlocked the door with one hand, carrying the bag of burgers in another, humming classic rock to himself.

His smile was wiped off his face when he saw Cas laying on the carpet and staring up at the ceiling, smoking a cigarette, his eyes red and his fingers shaking. He blew the smoke slowly out of his nostrils like a pro, turning around to see what the noise was and catching Dean's eyes.

They both froze.

The only thing that Dean could think was this:

_Kate was right._


	30. September 5th, 7:20:16 PM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I do not know the day of the week or the hour of the day. I do not know the measure of time or the rate at which flows past me. I cannot understand the weight of a moment or the duration of a year. All I know; all I can comprehend of the mathematics of a life, are the times your hand is inside my hand, and the times it is not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I actually got time to write and update this, I almost didn't, so yay! Anywhore, the next time I see y'all will be next Monday as usual, on the 29th of December, so I'm just going to say Happy Holidays! I adore each and every one of you (disregard the creepiness of that) and so...yeah! This is pretty short but the next chapter is going to be very very plotty and long, I promise. Enjoy :)

Cas let go of the cigarette from between his fingers, and it fell on the floor beneath him. Dean’s green eyes flicked from Cas to the cigarette on the floor, then back to Cas. The air was suffocating him, too thick, too heavy, the kind where your tongue felt like sandpaper and no amount of water would suffice. Dean dropped the bag that he was holding and hesitantly strode over to Cas’s side, bending down to gingerly pick up the cigarette and sliding down to sit on the couch beside him. 

There was a long silence as they both stared at the cigarette, the silence so loud that Cas was tempted to make a stupid racist joke about Kate and how Asians were too smart for their own good to break it. 

Dean refused to look at him, glaring at the cigarette, his hands shaking almost as much as Cas’s. When he spoke, it was cold and hard, filled with quiet anger.

“It’s not a cigarette, is it?”

Cas didn't say anything, just stared at the thing between Dean’s fingers. 

“It’s a joint.” Dean stated, not asking this time. He knew. His lip curled back for a second, and Cas reached over to put his hand on Dean’s knee, to touch him, to gain that small amount of comfort of physical contact with his soul mate, but Dean flinched at his touch immediately and backed away quickly. 

That hurt more than anything. 

Dean opened his mouth to say something, anything, but closed his mouth again like a fish. He did that a few more times, deciding what to say. 

“I…I never thought…not you. I never thought you, out of all people.”

Cas looked over at his soul mate, trying to force him to do the same with his eyes- cause no way was he trying to touch Dean again- but the mechanic just kept his eyes forward, unwavering from the joint. He didn’t blink. 

“Who else knows?” he asked. 

“Just you,” Cas replied, his voice shaking a little. He shifted a little in his seat to get more comfortable, fidgeting with his thumbs. The guilt sat on his chest, making it feel tight and all wound up. Cas felt like throwing up. 

Dean was showing no emotion, and that scared him more than if Dean had just been plain mad. He was usually the one to get angry quicker than most; His temper was usually an inferno, burning so hot that it couldn't last long. 

“When?” He was shaking so hard that Cas was scared he was going to drop the cigarette. Of course, then again, so was Cas. 

He cleared his throat before answering. “About a week ago. When I sat down and started writing down everything that had happened.”

Dean’s voice cracked when he asked the next question, and Cas was kind of relieved because that was the first show of emotion from his soul mate. “Why?”

Cas didn't have an answer for that one. Not really. The guilt crept his way up to his head and fingers, making them pulsate in time to his heart. His head spun and he thought he was going to pass out. Was that possible? To pass out because you were so furious at yourself? 

Guess he was going to find out. 

“Dean,” he croaked out instead, “please look at me.” When he didn’t, he tried again. “Please.”

He finally did, turning his head around to barely glance at him. His usual green eyes were dark, almost scary black, and he didn't look at Cas like he usually did. Before, he used to look at Cas like he was the most precious thing in the world, with complete adoration. Now it was just plain…disgust. 

He tried to channel his inner Taylor Swift and shake it off, but Cas really couldn't and the guilt had settled its way into his heart, squeezing it tight. The way that Dean was acting and looking at him made it worse. 

“Dean, I love you,” he started, almost pleading, “You know that.”

The Winchester just shook his head, looking back at the joint. “Why?” he asked again, almost whispering. “Just…why?”

When Cas didn't answer, Dean continued. “I know you’ve been struggling and…I get it. But…weed? Really?”

“I was so scared, Dean. And so out of it and messed up and…I just needed something to calm me down and I wasn't thinking and went and just did it and I just…I just…I don’t know, Dean. I just don’t know.”

His voice rose, getting louder now. “I was there. I’ve always been there for you. And Anna. Your parents. Hell, even Sam and Jess were there. Forget them, you could've even gone to Eric for help!”

Cas didn't say anything. 

“And…and…” Dean searched for the words to say, his anger and voice slowly rising up like a pressure cooker. “You’re studying to be a doctor. You know how…and now you’re probably addicted and…I know for a fact that your grades are slipping and…and…” he trailed off, sighing and staring at the joint. “How could you, Cas?” he asked, barely a whisper.

He didn’t know. How could he? This was all his fault. Everything was his fault. He closed his eyes and sat back properly on the couch, exhaling, his fingers already twitching for another goddamn joint. 

_God, I’m in trouble._

“I’m so sick of your bullshit.” Dean growled.

Oh God. This was it. Dean was sick of him. This was going to happen someday, he knew it would, but now that it was happening and…Cas was going to lose him. He was going to lose him forever and then what was he going to do? 

“I love you Dean,” Cas started, “you know that. Right?” He leaned forward to try and put his hand on Dean’s neck, but Dean leaned back when he felt the ghost of his hand nearby. 

“Don’t touch me.” he whispered. 

Oh. 

Cas took a shaky breath, trying to convince himself that didn't hurt as much as it did. Oh, but it did. He would've rather Dean punched him in the face then say something like that, the blow powerful. His chest felt tight and Dean dropped his hand, still holding the joint, staring ahead at nothing in particular. Cas joined him. 

A few minutes ticked by until Dean spoke again, this time turning around to fully look at him and holding the joint in between them, in level with their chins. 

“Me,” he croaked, “or this,” he gestured to the joint. “Pick one, Castiel.”

No. He wasn’t really making him do this. This wasn’t happening.

_This can’t happening._

“Dean, please. Don’t.”

His expression hard, he repeated the statement. His voice was lower now, darker, louder. “Me. Or the joint.”

“Dean,” Cas begged, almost letting out a pathetic sob, “Please.”

He knew he was already addicted. That wasn't just going to go away. He knew that. He had to. 

Dean said it once more, and he was furious and thunderous and dark, in complete contrast with the quiet nothingness he had had before. 

“Me.” he spat out, enraged. “Or this.”

His temper was a slow burning fuse. There was no problem while there was still more to burn, but then the explosion caught Cas by surprise, leaving him shattered and vulnerable.

“Answer me!”

Cas shook his head. This couldn't be happening to him. 

“Answer me, Castiel!”

He bit back a sob, and squeezed his eyes shut, digging his fingernails into his palm. Shiba suddenly came out of nowhere, meowing. Perhaps she had sensed his pain or something.

“Do it!”

He finally opened his eyes and blinked back tears, or at least, tried to, but they fell on his face and there was nothing he could do to stop them. Neither Cas or Dean wiped them away. Dean had tears in his eyes, but not his face, and Cas figured that it had nothing to do with the situation, but the fact that Shiba had jumped onto Cas’s lap, rubbing her body all over him and making all those cat noises. Dean didn't cry. Cas wanted to bury his face into Shiba’s soft ginger fur and never look up, but he pushed her away cause he knew that cannabis was dangerous for cats and he didn't want Shiba dying or something. She left, whining, if cats could do that, to the other room. 

“Pick one!”

Cas’s eyes flicked down to the joint in between them, and Dean’s face turned surprisingly neutral. 

“Fine,” he said, his voice devoid of any emotion. It was scary how fast he could turn around and switch, or in this case, turn off emotions like that. “You’ve made your choice.”

Dropping the cigarette in his lap, Dean flew out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

**September 5th, 11:20:16 PM**

“Cas? Are you…Oh my God. Is that..? Oh my God. It can’t be. Cassie, what are you _doing_?”

Cas just lay there on his bedroom floor, smoking the joint and staring at the ceiling with red eyes and shaking fingers. 

“Hey Anna.” he replied quietly without looking up, “Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

Anna hesitantly took 2 steps forward, closing the door behind her so their parents wouldn't hear or see anything, staring at her brother the entire time. She shook her head, unbelieving. 

_This has to be a dream._

Cas was _smoking weed._ Cas. Her brother. Out of all people. 

His expression distant, Cas blew the smoke out of his mouth, watching the smoke fly up with red faraway eyes. Anna coughed, waving the smoke that filled up the room away with the back of her hand and walked over to her brother where he was laying on the floor. 

She didn't know what to say. What do you say to something like this? This was so wrong, all messed up in every kind of way, and she didn't know whether to slap him or run away because this was definitely not her brother. So she lay down beside her brother, watching him blow smoke that stupid ass cigarette, tempted to snatch it out of his hands. But she didn’t. 

“Where’s Dean?” she asked, acting calm but freaking out inside. Dean could always get to Cas like no one could. 

He took another drag out of the cigarette, and laughed bitterly, smoke blowing out of his nose. Cas was quiet for a few moments, and she was about to threaten to tell their parents if he didn't say anything because she was getting kind of scared over what happened to Dean. 

“He left.” Cas said simply. 

“What?” Anna sat up in alarm, “Where’d he go?” He couldn't be saying what she thought he was saying.

“Anna,” he whispered, sitting up as well and looking at her with dead eyes, “he left.”

She opened her mouth and closed it again, not knowing what to say. No. He didn't leave. This was all some kind of misunderstanding. Dean wouldn't do that. He wouldn't leave. 

“Why?” she asked, terrified of the answer.

Cas’s lip curled and he was about to take another drag of the cigarette until Anna snatched it out of his hands fiercely. 

“Why?!” 

“He told me…” Cas paused for a moment, staring at the joint crushed in his sister’s hands longingly. Anna could see his inner debate of getting up and getting another one from the pack that he had probably stashed somewhere in his bookshelf, and she shook her head in a way that clearly communicated to not do it or she would smack him. 

“He told me to pick between the cigarette or him.”

She couldn't quite believe it. “And you picked this?” she gestured to it in her hand. 

Cas dropped his gaze down to the carpet, not saying anything. 

Anna slapped him. Hard. Because that’s what sisters were for. 

And when he broke down, shouting out Dean’s name, she held him in her arms. Because that’s what sisters were for too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit:
> 
> Hey guys, before y'all leave anymore comments about how marijuana isn't addictive (this is my fault anyway, I should've made this more clear), just letting y'all know that I am aware of that fact, and whenever I say that Cas is "addicted" to it, I mean, heavily dependent. He thinks he's addicted to it and can't stop, when in reality, he's not, and can.


	31. November 14th, 2:15:09 PM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I hope y'all had a great Christmas! This chapter is by far (I think) the longest chapter I've written, so enjoy, and have a Happy New Year :)

Dean still came to the meetings with Kate. But that was it; Cas never saw him anywhere outside of that. Dean never touched him, never talked to him unless necessary, never even made eye contact with him for more than a second. Cas never tried anything more. He wondered if they had officially broken up. Shouldn't they have…talked about it or something? That, yeah, we’re broken up now, nice knowing you, bye. It had been a little more than 2 months since. Soul mates never broke up, and if they did, they did it with the knowledge that they would be alone forever and would have to live by themselves until they died. 

Meanwhile, Cas fought his...addiction, in lack of a better word. He had reduced the intensity to only a cigarette or two a day, rather than a pack a day that before, but it was still there. His parents had found out soon enough after Anna, they weren't stupid, and after a series of shouting matches and fights that nearly made him go deaf, had forced him to get a therapist. Her name was Evelyn, and she was pretty nice. She didn’t mmmhmm like Cas thought she would and she helped him feel a little better about the rape and fight his dependence on the marijuana. 

She never helped him feel better about Dean, though. No one could. Dean had left a huge gaping hole in his heart that was irreplaceable and he knew no amount of going home with random girls or guys who hadn't found their soulmates yet and wanted to have some fun was going to fill it in the slightest. But he did it anyway, in hopes that it would. 

It was a cruelty of life that the heart kept beating even after it had been broken in too. It could feel as though it was being gripped in an ice-cold vice and ache as if it would implode in your chest, but still the boom-boom continued.

Cas still went to college and got decent enough grades, mostly to please his family so they wouldn't disown him or something. He had even moved out and gotten his own apartment, despite his parent’s protests. Anna and Eric had gotten their own apartment too, in the floor below him. His finals were coming up next month and he was going to have to start preparing for those. But that was it. Life went on. Surprisingly, without Dean, the world didn't stop spinning or a meteor crash into the Earth and kill them all, although a lot of times Cas absentmindedly thought that if it did he wouldn't really mind at all. 

The visits to Kate started becoming less and less frequent over the days because there was never any sign of his rapist and the police lost interest in his case as time progressed, which meant he saw Dean less and less. Kate worked hard still though, determined as hell to find Agnesse. 

Cas was sitting in her office right now, next to Dean as usual (but not too close, mind you), and dropped a small notebook filled up with his account of the rape on her desk with a thump. He smiled politely at her, gesturing to the notebook. 

“Here it is. Finally did it.”

Kate took the notebook, flipping through the pages. “The complete account? Every single detail?”

He nodded, wiping his palms on his pants. “Every single one. Even the stupid ones, like how I was thinking about the toppings on the pizza and how long I thought the alley was and how her eyes were the same exact shade as-”

He stopped himself.

Kate stopped flipping through the book and looked up, her eyes shifting from Cas to Dean. There was an uncomfortable silence in the room, and Dean scratched at the back of his knee nervously. Cas remembered that being his nervous tick and it hurt all over again, the pain of losing him, it all came back and it had never felt so raw because he knew all these things about Dean and he would never be able to use them again. He knew exactly where to press into Dean’s skin while they were kissing to make him completely lose it, what type of burgers were Dean’s favorite, how terrified he was of cockroaches but tried to hide it because he thought he wouldn't be manly anymore like his dad wanted him to be. 

God, Dean had had him completely wrapped around his finger, hadn't he? He would've done anything for him. 

Cas kept his face straight, showing no emotion and babbling on as if nothing had happened. “Yeah, and I did it as fast as I could. I’m sorry that I couldn't give it to you sooner, but I couldn't write more than a page or half at one time because then it all came rushing back and I’ve been really caught up with college, and settling into my new apartment and all that-”

“Cas,” Kate waved her hand, closing the book and getting up from her chair, Cas and Dean following suit, “it’s fine. I get it. This will help in court tremendously when we finally catch your rapist. Thank you, I didn't even expect you to do it so soon.”

He frowned. “Soon? It’s been almost 3 months.”

“It usually takes longer,” she said simply, and began to walk them out. 

He nodded, slightly proud of himself as he followed her. “Evelyn helped, a lot.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Evelyn?”

“My therapist.”

She smiled, as if to say _I told you so_ and left, telling them that she was going to make copies of the journal and to have a nice rest of their day. Cas started walking away from the building to his car with nothing as so much as a glance at Dean, until he heard a voice that made him physically stop in his tracks. 

“You have a therapist now?”

He refused to turn around and look at Dean, because Dean had taken two months after to even talk to him, and Cas wasn't going to just cater to the Winchester’s whims whenever he felt like it. No matter how much he missed Dean, he still had honor. 

Cas forced himself to take a deep breath. “Yeah,” he said faintly, in an almost whisper, and thank God his voice didn't shake. He cleared his throat anyway, hearing hesitant footsteps walk slowly towards him. 

“That’s good. I told you that all that is complete bullshit before, but, glad you didn't listen to me. In fact, it’s probably good you didn't listen to me a lot of times, or I’d still have a piece of glass stuck in me or something.” He chuckled softly, and it honestly made Cas want to wrap his hands around his throat. How could he be laughing and trying to make jokes when Cas was freaking out over every single stupid word that came out of his mouth? Did he think their entire relationship had been a joke? 

Cas was about to just start walking away because this seriously wasn't worth his time, when Dean asked him, “Hey, you still smokin’?”

_Oh my God._

_Why did he ask me that?_

_Why would he…_

_Is he asking me that so he can just prance back into my life if I tell him I’ve stopped?_

_Is that what he’s been waiting for? He runs out cause he doesn't feel like helping me with my marijuana use, and then wants to waltz back when I’ve figured it out by myself…?!_

He whipped around to face Dean, furious and getting up in his face. It didn't matter that this was the first time that he had seen Dean this close since their breakup, and could see how the light made the green in his eyes all different shades or how his numerous freckles popped out on his tanned skin.

“Why are you here?” Cas spat out, enraged, and Dean looked all sorts of surprised. He didn’t reply, just looked, speechless, at Cas with wide eyes. “Tell me,” Cas almost yelled out, “why do you even come to these stupid appointments anymore? You don’t _care_ , and I’m pretty sure that you have better things to do than come and sit in a rape advocate’s office and get nowhere to catching the woman who raped your soul mate, who really isn't your soul mate because you walked out on him when he needed you the most.”

That certainly made Dean tick. His face turned red, and he made a move towards Cas but decided against it, and stopped right where he was, his hand slowly sinking back to its place. “You picked the joint. I gave you a choice, Cas.” It would've been fierce and all angry if Dean’s voice hadn't shook and his expression changed from angry to pained for a microsecond, then flicked back, “And you didn't pick me. It’s not my fault.”

“Oh,” he snapped back, “so it’s mine.”

“Yeah,” Dean said fiercely, but the effect was ruined by his voice cracking, “it is.”

Cas was literally about to start swinging at him, but he thought about what Evelyn would think and decided to take the high road and stepped back, ending the argument. 

_I better get the damn throne up there in heaven for what I just did, because I was about to start hitting him._

His fingers shaking, Cas fished out a joint from his pocket and lit it up, and he knew that this was his second one in the day and he was trying to get it to one per day, but he always had to have one before Kate’s to calm his nerves and right now if he didn't get one he would just say to the hell with Evelyn and Heaven and just punch Dean squarely in the jaw. How ironic, that the very thing that had driven Dean out of his life was the thing that Cas had to use because of him later on. He took a long drag, closing his eyes and breathing it in slowly, already starting to feel the warm buzz, and, just to agitate Dean, blew the smoke out his mouth deliberately into Dean’s face, slow and heavy. Waving the smoke away with his palm, Dean coughed, and Cas smirked and turned on his heel, starting to walk away. 

“Do us both a favor and quit coming to these appointments, Dean. I don’t want to see you again.”

Cas couldn't see his face, but he knew Dean well enough to know that his hands were curled into fists and his face bright tomato red. “Yeah, well,” he called after him, “have fun with your weed, considering that it’s probably the only friend you have. Of course, after Shiba, who I gave to you.”

He didn’t say anything back, because that was kind of true and he was furious at Dean for acting like that, and was even more furious at himself for acting like that, and when he finally got into the privacy and safety of his own car he rested his head against the driving wheel and threw his cigarette against the sidewalk, trying not to cry. He took deep, heavy, quick breaths, even went so far to use his inhaler; He hadn't cried since the night Dean had left, even though every night at 1 am when he couldn't see anything but smoke, he felt like screaming, that his soul mate had left him and there was nothing he could do about it, he still hadn't cried. No, no, Cas was over him, he didn't miss him, he didn't miss the way that Dean made his chest feel all tight, and the way he used to call Cas right before he went to bed every night to tell him a stupid joke he had overheard in the garage or made up that day, and the way he laughed, his nose all crinkled up and his head thrown back. He was over him. 

Before, when the shock was still settling in and he was trying to cope, he would describe his heartache to Anna like the music of a great orchestra. At times it was quiet and allowed him to function, at other times the violins would play and he would be depressed, then at other times it would rise to a crescendo and the anger would burst from his chest in a vicious shout of anguish.

It was like that now, and when Cas finally calmed down enough to drive back home, when the orchestra had finally settled down to the violins, he climbed into his apartment, ignoring Shiba’s protests and forcing her into the other room so she wouldn't die of poisoning, and opened another pack.

Cas knew, he had tried countless times, but he attempted again, nonetheless, to smoke away the heartbreak and pain and fill the Dean shaped void in his life. 

Needless to say, he couldn’t.

**November 14th, 7:31:59 PM**

It was during dinner when he got the call, and Dean already knew who it was before he saw the caller ID. Of course, only two people called him anymore. Bobby, and-

“So?!” Sam’s excited voice came over the phone, and before Dean could open his mouth, rushed, “wait, hold on, lemme put it on speaker so Jess can hear too. She’s with me in my dorm right now.” He paused for a moment, and then Jess called out hello. 

“Hey, Jess. How you doing?” Dean asked quietly, chewing on his sandwich. “Sam treating you right?”

He could practically hear her smile. “You bet.” She hesitated for a second. “So…” her voice was quiet, nervous, “did you talk to him?”

Dean let out a bitter laugh, one that probably translated as a happy one over the phone because he heard the couple intake a sharp breath in hope. “Yeah, I did.”

Sam, almost giddy, asked, “And…?”

“He said he never wanted to see me again.” Saying so, Dean’s heart sank to his stomach, and it hurt all over again, like it had just happened 5 minutes ago rather then 5 hours.

There was a heavy silence over the phone that went on for so long that Dean checked twice to see if they had hung up, until Jess finally sighed, long and forlorn, “Dean, I’m so sorry. I know how much you love him.”

He nodded, putting his sandwich down and rubbing at his face. “It’s fine,” he stubbornly protested, “I’m fine.”

It went all silent again, then Sam remarked, his voice more curious than disappointed, “That really doesn't sound like Cas, though.”

“Yeah, but he’s a weed addict now, so at this point-”

“No, I mean,” Sam said, cutting him off, “Anna told me he was completely shattered after you two broke up. I don’t really think…” he paused, thinking, “I mean…Dean, what did you say to him?”

Anger rose. “Why is it _my_ fault?!”

“I never said that!”

He fumed, glaring at his plate and half eaten sandwich, “I just…talked to him…and…”

“What did you say?”

“He told Kate about Evelyn, his therapist, and I just said that it was good he finally had a therapist and that he didn't listen to me, and then I made a stupid joke, and laughed a little in hopes that he would at least _smile_ , but he wouldn't even look at me, and-”

“What was the joke?”

Dean was getting ready to throw something at the wall, he was so angry at Sam for pointing out every single mistake he had made considering Cas, how he had completely messed up Cas’s life, and angry at himself for making them. They were right, it was his fault. It always was.

“Something about the glass in my knee.”

Sam sighed, probably rolling his eyes, and said wearily, “Go on.”

“Then I asked him if he was still smoking, and he flipped shit and asked me why I was here and told me to never come to the appointments again because he didn't want to see me.”

“Dean!” Sam and Jess both yelled his name out at the same time, “you asked him if he was still smoking?!” Sam nearly yelled, incredulous.

“Uh…yeah?”

His little brother was sputtering now. “You can’t just…do you even know…I can’t even-”

“Alright, calm down, white girl.”

There was a rattling noise from the other end, and Jess had probably snatched the phone from Sam and taken it off speaker cause Jess suddenly said fiercely in his ear, “Stay there, we’re coming over. Be there in 10.” She hung up before he could protest. 

Damn. Stupid brother and his soul mate. Always in his business. He had talked to Cas because they had made him, constantly nagged him about giving it one more chance, to try it out, but couldn't they see? Cas didn't want him back. Hell, who would? Even his little brother had moved out to live in his college dorm. No wonder Cas had picked the joint. 

They just wouldn't stop _bothering_ him. Dean, give it one more shot. Dean, we know how much you miss him. Dean, alcohol isn't going to get Cas back for you. Dean, you two are soul mates. Dean. Dean. Dean. Dean. Dean. 

To the hell with Dean. No one wanted him, not even his own soul mate. Cas had made that clear the night they had broken up, and today, when Cas had said he never wanted to see him again, that was the line. He put the sandwich in the fridge for later, he had lost his appetite, and picked up the phone, staring at the number 9 on his phone, the speed dial number for Cas. 

Maybe…just maybe…no. He couldn't do it. No matter how much it hurt, no matter how many nights he had spent awake with vodka in his veins thinking about going over to Cas and trying over again, about kissing him again and hearing his laugh, he wouldn’t. His heart was like a glove of ice now, encasing his heart like a cage kept a tropical bird. Sometimes, his heart longed to fly again, to stretch its wings and soar, and see the vast possibilities of life laid out before him. But it stayed locked up in it’s frozen prison, afraid to pick the lock or try to break the bars. Dean was sure that no one, not Sam, not Jess, no one except Cas could ever thaw it. And that was never going to happen. 

The front door burst open as Sam and Jess stomped their way into the tiny house, plopping themselves down on the coach like they owned it. Well, Sam had once owned this house, so to speak, lived in it, but right now Dean was paying the bills and maintaining it so it didn't dissolve into a complete dump. 

He found himself being scrutinized by the couple for a few moments, and he felt uncomfortable, kind of annoyed. He really didn't want to sit down and talk about all the things he had done wrong a few hours ago; His brain had already picked out every flaw of his by itself. 

“So,” Sam started, knitting his hands together like he did when he meant business, “Cas.”

Dean nodded curtly, clearing his throat, it still hurt to hear his name, and goddamn, it had been nearly 2 months. He needed to get his act together, he nearly lost it every time he saw his former boyfriend in Kate’s office, the only thing stopping him from just grabbing Cas and kissing him right there was the knowledge that Cas didn't want him, just like everyone in the world. 

His brother continued, “Do you know why we were yelling at you for asking him if he was still smoking?”

“Uh, no. It was a harmless question,” Dean shrugged, “I was making small talk.”

Sam turned to Jess and gave her a look, as if to say look at this guy, and sighed, “Dean, it sounded like you were asking about his smoking to get back together with him if he said yes.”

Dean stopped, thinking about it. “Wait, what?”

Jess talked for him, and Dean made a mental note to tease them about finishing each others sentences in the future as she explained, “Well, you walked out on him when he was all addicted of a sort, making it clear you didn't want him because he was smoking, and by asking that it sounded like that you would get back together with him if he wasn't smoking anymore. Cas probably thinks you didn't want to help him through that part of his life, and that’s a lot of the reason you walked out.”

“He picked the joint! If he hadn't I wouldn't have walked out. That’s Cas’s fault for picking it!” Dean argued, because Jesus was he tired of having to explain that to people today.

“Well, you made him pick!” Sam countered, “You knew he was extremely dependent on it, why did you make him pick over completely throwing out the one thing, however dangerous, that made him feel calm in his life, that, mind you, he couldn't stop using right then and there, or you? Why didn't you try to help him get through it?”

Dean didn't have an answer for that, and he crossed his arms, glaring at Sam. He felt like breaking something or throwing it across the table. Seriously? Had they just come to make him feel like shit? Because he could do that by himself just fine. 

“We didn’t come here to just make you feel like shit, Dean.” Sam sighed, reading his thoughts, “we came here to tell you to give it another chance.”

He shook his head. “I already tried that, and it ended up with him telling me he never wanted to see me again and blowing smoke in my face.”

“Has Cas moved out?” Jess suddenly asked, picking up Sam’s phone and strolling through it with one finger.

“Yeah.” Dean frowned, remembering Cas’s offhand comment about still settling into his new apartment, “Howdya know?” 

She ignored his question, and pressed the call button, handing it to him and saying, “One more chance. Find out where he lives and go to him tonight. He’s probably on his second pack right now cause he’s so nerve wracked over you.”

The phone rang for a few seconds more until someone picked up, voice confused, bewildered. “Sam?”

Dean’s heart sank, because he knew that voice, and he hadn’t talked to it in forever. “Hey Anna, it’s Dean.” Anna was silent, surprisingly, considering her long history of blabbering on all the time, even in the worst of situations.”Uh…this might be weird but…do you mind telling me where Cas lives? I promise I won’t hurt him this time. I just…” He paused, looking up at his brother and Jess, and they nodded encouragingly, “…want to talk.”

There was a long silence still, and Dean’s heart sunk lower and lower every passing second, until Anna sighed. “Fine. But if you hurt him any more so than he already is, say goodbye to your right leg.”

**November 14th, 8:01:04 PM**

Dean was regretting going to Cas’s house more and more with every step, but he knew that if he backed out now Sam, Jess, and maybe even Anna and Eric now would end up dragging him back there anyway. So he took a deep breath and reminded himself that he had faced his dad his entire life, so he should probably have the balls to face his ex soulmate.

His hand shaking nonetheless, Dean knocked on the door, and waited.

Nothing. He must’ve stood there for a good 5, okay, fine, 2 minutes before knocking again, louder.

Still nothing. Dean put his hand on the doorknob, hesitating. Maybe Cas somehow knew it was Dean and didn't want to see him? Cas was in his apartment, Dean knew, because Anna had told him he was. He was probably just avoiding him. Right?

So why did he have that weird itchy feeling like something was wrong? His heart rate spiking up, Dean turned the knob, and opened the door. 

That was weird. Who didn't lock the door when they lived in the middle of the city on a Friday night? And Dean knew Cas, he was kind of paranoid about safety and all that. 

Of course, he had every right to. 

It was dark, very dark, in the apartment, which just added to the weird feeling that Dean had. He vaguely remembered the night of Anna’s accident, when he had climbed into Cas’s house and had immediately knew something was wrong because of the dark. And Cas was even more so frightened of the dark after…

Dean grimaced, stepping inside the apartment and bracing himself for the cloud of smoke. It never came. That was one good thing…right? Blindly searching the wall with one hand for the light switch, Dean called out in hopes of Cas coming out of wherever he was hiding.

“Cas?”

Nothing. Wait…There were noises coming from his right, and giving up trying to look for the light switch, Dean slowly walked towards them. He walked straight into a wall, or, no…it was a door! Finally! The mechanic found the door handle, and swung it open. 

It was like he had opened the doors to hell itself, letting all the demons out. Or, in this case, demon. There were a variety of noises, loud hissing and screaming. Dean stumbled backwards, tripping and falling on his back, and he felt someone freaking scratching his legs and working their way up to his chest with his eyes watering up like crazy, when finally he realized what the hell was going on.

“Shiba, holy shit,” he whispered fiercely, getting up slowly so she didn't fall off, “it’s me, Dean. Calm down.”

She hissed once more, scratching at his feet with her goddamn sharp claws, and he bent down blindly to try and pick her up, but the only thing he achieved was the faint sliver of her body around his hands before she escaped to God knows where, making these weird angry noises that Dean had no idea how to interpret because he wasn't a cat expert. 

He followed her anyway, at least, followed her using the noises that she was making as a guide because he couldn't see anything and he really needed to find that stupid light switch. Dean realized that she had stopped in front of something, sitting patiently. Maybe it was another door, she wanted him to open it, maybe…maybe…

Dean reached out, finding a door handle and nearly whooping out in joy, and opened the door. 

There he was. Laying on his bed, his red eyes darting this way and that as he stared at the ceiling. The room was illuminated by a lamp, and the light cast shadows on his face, making Cas look way older than his actual age, a mere 20 years old under his belt. 

Cas sat up from his bed, and Dean immediately knew that his once soulmate was stoned as hell, maybe right now wasn't the best time to talk about their relationship or whatever they were. But Dean knew he couldn't just turn on his heel and run away because no way was he walking out on Cas for the second time in a row. Instead, he took a tentative step towards where he sat, waving awkwardly. Cas followed his movements with slow, lazy eyes. 

Yeah, it _really_ wasn't the best time to talk right now. 

Cas was totally out of it, but he seemed to have somewhat of a grip of what was going on, and he squinted at Dean, cocking his head to the side. When he spoke, it was slow, scratchy.

“Dean.”

“Cas,” Dean hesitated, stepping closer, “Cas, we need to talk.”

Cas looked away, his face twisting into a series of different expressions, and Dean pretended to not see his eyes watering.

“Dean,” his voice cracked, and it sounded like he was almost begging, “Dean, please leave. I don’t want you to see me like this.”

He shook his head. “I’m not leaving. Not again.”


	32. November 14th, 11:06:38 AM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He stormed into your life, ripped up your rule-book, and carved his way into your heart.”

Cas woke first, groaning because _damn_ his head hurt. It pounded, pulsating to a beat, throbbing and aching. Cas absentmindedly thought that this was exactly a hangover must feel like, but diagnosed it as nothing more than a simple headache that would go away. He did feel dizzy though, and a little sick, kind of nauseous. And why was he down to just his boxers?

He blearily opened his eyes, squinting at the sun that streamed in through the blinds, and that’s when he felt the very warm something that was pressed up against him, extending out to wrap it’s whatevers across his hips. 

_Wait. What?_

He slowly turned around, already making an action plan to beat up whatever it was with whatever was within reach, which, at this point, was a very small battered copy of The Hobbit lying on the floor next to the bed. Once again, Cas cursed himself for not being a gun enthusiast instead of a book nerd. All plans of attacking quickly vanished, however, as he rolled over in the bed cautiously and found himself with a face full of _Dean_. 

_Shit._

Dean was still sleeping, his mouth slightly open and drool hanging from the side of it, breathing steadily and looking the most peaceful Cas had seen him since Cas had been…raped. He fought back the guilty feeling in his chest, that maybe Dean wouldn't be like that if…no. He had to stop blaming himself for the incident, he had worked this out with Evelyn. Still, none of this would have happened: The depression and panic attacks, the weed, the breakup. Cas sighed, blowing air into Dean’s face. 

Wait. Dean. Right, more pressing matters at hand. Like how he had woken up almost naked with strong signs of a hangover snuggling with his ex-soulmate who, by the way, was _also wearing nothing but boxers?_

Shit. Had they done something? Cas would remember if they had…right? They had obviously gotten drunk, _really_ drunk, because last night was a complete blackout other than little snatches of drunken giggling and shaky hands and drinking cup after cup of alcohol. Cas had no idea what had happened, so technically, _anything_ could have happened last night and they would have no idea.

He groaned, shaking his head. He remembered Dean coming to talk to him, Dean in his bedroom door, saying that he wasn't going to leave him again. Dean saying that they probably weren’t going to get anywhere when Cas was as stoned as hell, and Cas joking that they were both probably going to have to get drunk for the talk that was about to follow. 

And that was it. All he remembered. Maybe Dean remembered more. Or, perhaps that it was for the best that he didn’t. Right now, he needed to find his shirt and get it on so Dean didn’t wake up and go through the same thought process Cas had. 

Cas shifted slowly at first, attempting not to wake up Dean, who currently had a death grip on him, and propped himself up with his elbow. Trying to wriggle out unnoticed, he held his breath and slowly, ever so slowly, sat up. Dean didn’t stir. 

Ok. He could do this. Everything would be fine. He experimentally wiggled his hips, which Dean’s arm was curled around, and Dean didn’t wake, so Cas just straight up tried to get up because his head was killing him and he really needed to take some medicine for it or it would explode, which was his big mistake. Dean’s eyes flew open, and Cas cursed himself for not remembering how much of a light sleeper his former soul mate was. Dean’s arm tightened around Cas instinctively, making Cas fall back. 

_Jesus Christ._

“Cas?” Dean asked groggily, frowning and blinking his eyes slowly as he assessed the situation, and goddamn if that wasn't the cutest thing ever. Cas watched as Dean slowly put together the puzzle pieces, how Cas was 3/4ths naked, how he himself was 3/4ths naked, how they were both pressed up against each other with Dean basically holding him at hip. He quickly jerked his hand back while squirming away as far as he could from Cas without falling off the bed, and wrinkled his nose, groaning a little and massaging his temples. “Do you remember if we…”

He shook his head. “No.”

Dean sighed, sitting up too fast and wincing, and Cas followed suit. An awkward silence lay thick and heavy in the air as Dean got up, way slower this time, and located his clothes- which were a few feet from the bed, putting them on. He grabbed Cas’s clothes that were in a heap next to his and threw them at him, and Cas caught them. 

The mechanic turned around, squeezing his eyes shut as he tried to remember. “I just remember little snippets,” he mumbled, “after you joked that we needed to get really drunk for the talk or whatever.”

Cas nodded a little too fast, and felt another wave of nausea overtake him. This time though, it wasn’t just a wave, and he ran to the bathroom. 

Dean awkwardly patted his shoulder after he finished throwing up, and Cas sighed, longing for the time when Dean would hug him and kiss his temple and ask if he was alright, and even after a 50 million “I’m fine Dean’s” he would try to make him feel better by taking him out to do something stupid, like eat ice cream in one of those old parlors and sing the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of their lungs, almost getting them kicked out. 

**

November 14th, 11:18:55 AM

**

“I know you’re a college student and all, but _seriously_ , how much ramen can one man own?”

Cas shrugged from where he was sitting on the dining table, still looking a little green. Poor guy. This was probably his first hangover. 

Huffing, Dean closed the cupboard and opened yet another one, groaning when he found some bread and a box of instant mac and cheese. He knew that Cas was usually a really responsible guy, the type to fully stock up his kitchen with all kinds of healthy shit, it wasn't like him to do this. But then again, Cas really hadn't been himself lately anyway after the…

That reminded him. He cleared his throat, trying to gain the courage to say it. He faced his back to Cas however, pretending to still be looking for more food in the cupboards. Dean’s heart pounded, afraid of how Cas would react. 

Shit. Did Cas still freak out about the rape? Blink less, scream whenever he saw a girl in a braid? What was that called again…PTSD! Right. Dean felt guilt squeeze his stomach tight, thinking that maybe Cas would 100% be okay if he had been there for him, to help him get through it. He shook his head. No use worrying about that now. 

“Listen, Cas.” he started, “if…we _did_ anything last night, don’t freak, okay?” Dean took a deep breath, because he was kind of freaking out himself, “you still have your virgin status. It doesn't count if we were drunk and don’t remember.”

Cas didn't say anything for a long time and Dean freaked himself out even more because Cas was probably planning his murder for saying that stupid shit right now- he would too, virgin status, _really_ Dean? _It doesn’t count if we were drunk and don’t remember_ is the smartest thing in the world to say to a rape victim, a person in general. Great job, you wacko. 

“Dean,” Cas said cautiously, his voice slow and dark, “I’m not a virgin.”

Dean cursed to himself, because now he was going to have to directly bring up the rape and he did _not_ want to touch that topic with a ten foot pole when there was a very great possibility that they had done _it_ last night. “Yeah well,” Dean fought to keep his voice steady and grabbed at the nearest food product- a box of tomato soup- pretending to read the label, “I don’t really think your… _incident _counts either. I’ve always thought that you kinda lost it when you, uh,” Dean felt his face turn as red as the tomato soup he was holding, “wanted to.” He felt his voice go a little higher at the last two words, and his headache worsened even more so.__

___God I need to get my shit together._ _ _

__Cas took a while to answer again. “No, I mean, Dean. I’m not a virgin.”_ _

__“I just said that it doesn’t count-”_ _

__“No.” Cas interrupted, all dark and slow and it was really starting to creep Dean out, “I know what you mean. Still,” he paused for a moment, “I’m not a virgin.”_ _

___Oh._ _ _

___Oh._ _ _

__The blow was powerful, hitting him hard in the stomach, and Dean felt like throwing up, but this time it had nothing to do with his hangover. His chest felt tight, and it was pain and painful. He steadied himself, forcing himself to take a few deep breathes and try not to physically show what he was feeling. It was good that he was faced away from Cas, or he would see how Dean’s face had crumbled and how he was taking breathes like he had gotten the wind knocked out of him._ _

__“Oh,” he just said, fighting to keep his voice from shaking, and busied himself with looking for the toaster, “Okay.”_ _

__There was a long, heavy, silence, uncomfortable and thick. It stayed while Dean made 4 pieces of toast and drowned them in honey, it stayed as Dean poured out water for the both of them, it stayed as Dean found the coconut water and poured them in tall glasses, and it stayed as Dean put 2 pieces of toast, water, and a long glass of coconut water in front of each of them on the table and sat down. Cas stared down at his food, looking pale as hell and nauseous, but Dean just ignored him because he was staring down at his own food, still hurting over what Cas had said._ _

__“So, uh,” he asked when he couldn't take it any longer, “how many girls? Or guys…whatever.”_ _

__Cas looked up at him with his too blue eyes, and that somehow made it worse; The blank look in them, like he didn't know what he had done, how he had just moved on so quickly while Dean had thought about him every second of the day, it hurt. It hurt so much._ _

__He shrugged. “I lost count.”_ _

__Dean nodded, feeling that he had been stabbed with an arrow in his heart, and he focused on furiously tearing his toast apart, the honey seeping down his fingers._ _

__“They were just one night stands though,” Cas added quietly, like that made it any better, “they didn’t mean anything.”_ _

__Dean didn’t say anything to that, his headache starting to worsen despite the cliche hangover foods he was eating._ _

__“Dean,” Cas started, his voice changing from soft to urgent, “why are you still here?”_ _

__He winced, those words bringing back a painful flashback of yesterday. “I came here to talk.”_ _

__“About what?”_ _

___About us. About how I was such an idiot for leaving you. About how much I miss you and how scared I was and how beautiful you are sitting here across from me and I’ve been wishing for this to happen for the past 2 months but now that you are I have no idea what I’m going to say because there are no words to describe how much I love you and want to be yours again._ _ _

__“About,” Dean paused, looking for the right words, “everything.”_ _

__Cas studied him for a second with critical eyes and a blank expression, then nodded and took a sip of coconut water. Dean knew that this was his cue to continue. He took a deep breath._ _

__“I’m just gonna be blunt. I know you’re furious at me for leaving. I am too. But you shouldn't have started smoking in the first place.” He stopped, thinking that maybe that had been a little too bold, but Cas just nodded slightly, keeping his eyes down, thinking, “and you shouldn't have picked the joint. I understand it was going to happen someday, but-”_ _

__“What do you mean it was going to happen someday?” Cas interrupted fiercely, raising his voice, and Dean jumped, surprised. This was the most reaction he had gotten from Cas since he had started trying to make breakfast._ _

__“You not wanting me. I always knew I was never good enough for you, but-”_ _

__“Shut up.” Cas snapped angrily, “just shut up.”_ _

__Dean blinked, really surprised. This was new. Then again, you could never really know from Cas. He waited until Cas gestured at him to keep going with a firm reminder to ”Never talk like that again.”_ _

__Whatever that meant._ _

__“You shouldn't have smoked though.” He hesitated, because this was where he basically gave Cas the same option that had caused him to leave in the first place, “and you still shouldn’t. You have to quit, because I’m not going to tolerate you being a junkie. That’s not a line I’m going to cross. If you don’t even try to get better, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to walk out again. And I don’t want to do that. ”_ _

__Cas nodded, letting a bit of pride leak into his voice as he told Dean, “I’ve been trying to quit forever. I limited myself to 1 or 2 per day, and I’ve been trying to get to 1. It’s a work in progress.”_ _

__Dean almost smiled, told him that he was doing great, that he was proud of him, and a sliver of hope leaked down to his brain. Maybe this would work out. But then he remembered last night. “How come you smoked that much last night?”_ _

__The Milton averted his eyes downward, hesitating, and Dean felt like he really wasn't going to know what the answer was._ _

__“Cause of you.” Cas admitted softly, “I got so upset at seeing you, and…” he trailed off, and Dean felt a terrible feeling in his chest that no amount of deep breaths was going to calm down. His head pulsated in time to his pounding heart, he opened his mouth to say sorry, but no words came out._ _

__Cas waved his arm, his face devoid of emotion but his eyes betrayed him, portraying something quite else. Dean knew exactly what is was. because he had seen it in the mirror for his whole life. It was self loathing.“I get it, Dean. I get why you left.”_ _

__He shook his head fiercely. “No, you don’t. I was so shocked and just so done, I wasn’t thinking straight. I should’ve helped you.” Dean fought to keep his voice from cracking, but failed miserably. “I’m sorry, Cas. I know you think I don’t care about you, judging by your outburst yesterday and you probably think I’m the biggest jerk in the world and I just want to get back together only if you’ve quit smoking, but that’s not true. Please don’t think that. I just want you to get better.”_ _

___I still care about you. I never stopped caring about you._ _ _

__Cas shook his head, and Dean’s heart dropped because now he was going to get kicked out of his former soulmate’s apartment when he tried to make things better, until Cas repeated pungently, “I get why you left. I don’t blame you.”_ _

__“Cas,” Dean started, “don’t._ _

__He laughed bitterly, his eyes looking so hollow, so empty of life, and Dean wanted to make everything better like he could before. “I’m such a mess. Such a stupid mess.” Cas ran his fingers through his hair, messing it up even more so. His eyes were distant, looking at something over Dean’s shoulder, and he sounded angry, in a way. At himself, at Dean, at the world. “You put up with my bullshit for a long time anyway.”_ _

__“Please don’t think that,” Dean whispered, begging, feeling as if someone had stabbed him deep, chest all tight, “please don’t just throw away our relationship as something that I tolerated cause I had to. We were so much more than that.”_ _

___We **are** so much more than that ____ _

____Cas laughed again, shaking his head and looking away, and there were tears in his eyes that didn’t quite run down his cheeks yet. He didn't wipe them though, which gave Dean the strongest urge to kiss them away like he used to._ _ _ _

____“It wasn’t,” Cas started, his voice shaking like a damn earthquake and his face turning red, the tears starting to drip now as he rubbed at his face, “It wasn’t supposed to hurt so much. Us.” His voice dropped dramatically, so much that Dean had to strain his ears to hear him, “I guess I wanted you more.”_ _ _ _

____“No, no, no, no, no.” Dean chanted in a whisper, breaking his own rule and reaching his hand over to touch Cas’s gently. He could feel the tears coming, goddamnit, this wasn’t supposed to happen. They weren't supposed to both start crying like a bunch of idiots instead of talking about what happened like civilized adults. Of course, Dean had come in here knowing that that wasn't going to happen. People didn't work like that. Cas flinched for a moment, making Dean almost pull his hand back, but then Cas reached out and squeezed Dean’s fingers tightly, just so._ _ _ _

_____I need you, Cas. I want you. No one’s ever wanted you like I have._ _ _ _ _

____Cas looked up, his blue eyes damp and his face blotchy. He had the weirdest expression. Shock mixed with amazement and a tiny dash of hope. With a jolt, Dean realized he had spoken out loud._ _ _ _

_____Well, shit._ _ _ _ _

____“I broke all my rules for you,” Dean continued, because Cas had already heard it and by now it was all or nothing, “I’ve always wanted you.”_ _ _ _

____And…now they were both staring at each other through their tears, unsure of what to do next, and _damn_ Dean was turning into a chick. But he didn’t regret it if it ended up with him getting Cas back, at this point he was ready to do _anything_ if it meant getting Cas back. _ _ _ _

____Cas squeezed his fingers even tighter, and Dean leaned forward the slightest, taking the chance and taking Cas’s hand in his own. Cas’s eyes flicked down to stare at their intertwined hands, and he shifted, leaning his body towards Dean._ _ _ _

____There was so much possibility in this one moment, wasn’t there? Dean could push away, ending them, claiming that he was still too upset at Cas about picking the joint and walk out of the apartment. Cas could get overwhelmed and freak out, making Dean leave. They could work it out, or just sit and stare at each other, not knowing what to say next because everything had been said. Hell, they could end up doing it on the table._ _ _ _

____Then again, a meteor could come falling from space and crash into the apartment, killing them both._ _ _ _

____Dean continued to look at those huge, wide blue eyes had had fallen in love with, and he leaned in even closer, heart thumping a million miles a minute. Cas mirrored, tightening his grip on Dean’s hand. He was nervous, Dean could tell, he was breathing heavily like he always did, their faces only a foot apart. Dean pushed his and Cas’s food to the side, forgotten._ _ _ _

____“Yanno,” Dean whispered as they leaned in closer, because he really needed to get this out, “You aren’t really addicted.”_ _ _ _

____Cas looked dazed, like he was only focused on staring into Dean’s very soul, and blinked. “What?” he breathed out._ _ _ _

____“Yeah. You can’t get addicted to weed. You’re just,” he grunted, the table digging into his front was kind of starting to hurt, but no way in Hell was he moving, “just…extremely dependent.” He dropped his whisper to a low murmur, tilting his face just so and running a finger along Cas’s jaw, making Cas shiver, “You just convinced yourself you are.” He smiled softly, “You can stop anytime you want, Angel.”_ _ _ _

____“Oh?” Cas asked breathlessly, splaying his fingers and running them through Dean’s hair endearingly, scratching at the fine hairs at the back of his head and leaving it there. Dean let out a soft noise, _no it was not a whimper_ , and pulled Cas forward by tugging at his waist that was already leaned forward from his seat. _ _ _ _

____There they were, just a hair away, and Dean drunk in the sight of Cas, all wide and open, his big green eyes taking in every inch of his face. Oh God, he’d been wanting this forever, hadn't he? This was the moment he had been waiting for._ _ _ _

____“Dean Winchester,” Cas whispered, so close to him, their noses a mere centimeter apart, and Dean felt like he was drowning that was the Caribbean blue of Cas’s eyes. His fingers shaking and heart thumping wildly, Dean touched their noses together, both their eyes wide and unblinking, not wanting to miss a second of this._ _ _ _

____Oh no, not this._ _ _ _

____“Castiel Milton,” Dean mirrored, and it was like they were the only people in the world. Cas shivered, and Dean was so in love, and he truly believed that things were going to be ok, they were going to work out, and they were going to get past everything and one day live in a big house by the beach, their beach, just the two of them, together forever like in one of those dreamy Celine Dion songs that people slow danced to with their soulmates._ _ _ _

____And then they were kissing, and Cas’s lips tasted just like how he remembered them so vividly, only better. Because he was here, he was here kissing Cas, he was here kissing his soulmate in his dining table over toast drowned in honey and a tall glass of coconut water. And it may have not been how he imagined it, like in the movies, with fireworks in the background and swelling music. It was table edges pressing hard into your stomach, propping yourself up with your elbow as you tried not to fall, trying to avoid the cat who attempted over and over again to jump in your soulmate’s lap, but when failed, just scratched the heels of the two of you. But it was also hushed declarations of love in between kisses, not deciding on where to touch because there was so much skin to explore still, the taste of honey and coconuts burning their way into your memory. It wasn’t perfect, but it also was, just all the right kind of wrongs and the wrong kind of rights at once._ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whatever happened that night is totally up to the reader, so make your own head cannons, share them with me if you want, don't worry about it, whatever floats your boat. 
> 
> Oh, and next update's on the 12th of January! And excuse my shamelessness, but keep on commenting, I love reading them :)


	33. November 14th, 11:57:32 AM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Time stands still  
> Beauty in all she is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this isn't a good chapter at all and is kind of boring or not what you wanted, or maybe (probably) the writing sucks, but I've just been so busy lately with school and other commitments and I feel like I'm making excuses but I'm so tired all the time, and...okay, sorry, whatever. But yeah, glad I got the time to spit this out.
> 
> Warning for references to self harm.

Cas remembered this. He remembered this. The taste of Dean’s mouth and the press of his hands all over him, slipping agonizingly slow up his shirt, Dean’s fingers cold as they slid across the bare skin on his back. He couldn't help himself and groaned softly, and Dean smiled into his mouth and pulled back, but Cas didn't let him, leaning forward as Dean pulled away, because he had pulled back for 2 whole months, and he was going to prolong this as long as he could to make up for it. 

Dean eventually won, because you could only kiss someone so long, and the Winchester smiled at him with adoration, his eyes crinkling like they always did when he smiled that wide. God, he had missed this. He had missed this so much. How had he convinced himself that he was okay without Dean, that he was doing completely fine and didn’t need his soulmate? 

Dean’s green eyes shone bright and he laughed softly, his eyes darting around every inch of Cas’s face as if memorizing, or maybe, taking in. Cas smiled back, cupping Dean’s face and kissing him once more lightly before bending his head and pressing one right below the Winchester’s ear, making his way down to the end of his neck. Dean squirmed, pushing Cas away with the back of his hand but they ended up falling back on the couch, with Cas straddling Dean. 

Reaching out and grabbing a fistful of Cas’s shirt, Dean grabbed his soulmate and kissed him again, then again, and again, and again, until Cas was feeling quite breathless even more so than he already was, and pushed away because he needed to say something, get it out so Dean knew. 

“Dean,” he breathed, taking the other man’s face in his hands, and Dean huffed a laugh, resting his arms on Cas’s hips, slightly riding up his shirt. “Dean, I’m sorry,” Cas felt the familiar feeling of guilt reclaim its way back on his chest, “I’m so sorry.”

“Oh, shut up.” Dean whispered back, kissing him hard, “just shut up. It’s my fault, ok?”

He shook his head fiercely. No, no, this was all his fault, this was all his damn fault, he knew it and Dean knew it and Anna and his parents knew it, he always messed things up goddamnit, and maybe one day again Dean would leave him again, except this time they wouldn't even see each other, this time for good, he would leave him because he would see how he deserved so much more than Cas, everyone did, and-

“Hey,” Cas was snapped back-literally-into the real world, “you alright? You kind of looked off into the distance and started panicking.” Dean frowned, gesturing down to his arms, which were now wrapped around Cas’s waist, “is this a little too fast for you? We can stop anytime we want, yanno.”

Cas shook his head again, grimacing and shifting a little, “I just-” he struggled with it, trying to find out the right words, and Dean waited patiently. This was one of the things he loved about Dean. He was rough and a jokester and could be an asshole sometimes, but when it got down to it, he was one of the most sweet and caring person you could meet. “I just, I’m such a mess, Dean. And so much is wrong with me, and I’m sorry for messing it up, messing us up. And…oh Dean, what if something like this happens again? What if you see me as you should and just-”

“I love you, Cas. I love you so damn much. I never stopped loving you, and I never will.” Dean took Cas’s hand and kissed his palm, putting it on his heart, “I promise you that. ”

That certainly stopped him short. 

It was the way he said it, so sincere, because Dean never said stuff like that, he had other ways of just showing it, and Cas had never really minded. Cas leaned forward and kissed him again, smiling not with his mouth, but his eyes.

“I love you too, Dean Winchester.”

Dean grinned at him, his face glowing. “And,” he started, speaking softly and growing strength as he continued speaking, “that’s all that matters, Angel. And you might be heavily dependent on weed, and I might’ve walked out on you, and you might’ve gotten raped, and we both might be huge idiots with severe self confidence issues and blame ourselves for messing us up when really, now that I think about it, was a team effort,” Dean stopped and winked at Cas, who rolled his eyes playfully, “but, right now, that’s all that matters.”

Cas felt a surge of emotions overtake him. Guilt, pain, hope, and finally, unconfined joy. 

He laughed, really laughed, a foreign sound to him because he hadn’t done it in what felt like years, and Dean laughed with him. 

And yeah, they may not be perfect, Cas was kind of a weed junkie, and they still hadn't caught his rapist yet, and they hadn't been together for 2 months, but they were there, on the small couch, with Cas on top of Dean, laughing together and kissing, and really, that was a little perfect in itself.

**November 17th, 9:38:11 AM**

Dean was rudely shaken awake by Cas at way too early in the morning for a Sunday morning. He groaned, rolling over.

“Do whatever you want to me,” he mumbled, attempting to ignore Cas’s persistent shaking, “just don’t wake me up.”

“Dean,” Cas persisted urgently, “Dean, get up.”

He sighed, cracking open an eyelid and his soulmate came into view, with his stupidly cute mussed up hair and shirt that was riding up his back. 

“What?” Dean breathed, “we just got back together, don’t drive me back too soon.”

He stopped for a moment, scared that he had gone too far. This was what it had been since yesterday’s…events, tiptoeing around each other, worrying the other would change their mind. Damnit, they were supposed to be in love. 

When did it get so complicated?

But Cas didn't care about Dean’s stupid joke, or if he did, didn't say anything. Dean cursed the fact that now he really couldn't figure Cas out, when before he knew what Cas was going to say before he said it. He was like a old favorite song Dean couldn't quite remember the words to. 

“Dean,” Cas continued, completely oblivious to his soulmate’s thoughts, “wake up.”

He sighed, sitting up and rubbing at his eyes. Cas waited for him, sitting there in his boxers and a shirt that was too big for him- Jesus, Cas had lost a lot of weight-slumped over with his hair sticking up everywhere. 

“You’re lucky you're cute.” Dean complained, leaning over and pressing a kiss to Cas’s nose, and Cas smiled softly, wrapping his arms around his neck as Dean hugged his waist. God, this felt all so normal, waking up next to Cas and kissing his nose, being held by him, so why did it feel so…whatever it felt like? Dean shook his head, ignoring the feeling. “Why’d you wake me up?”

Cas shrugged, slightly embarrassed. Dean raised his eyebrows, about to make an annoyed comment about waking him up early for nothing when Cas said uncertainly, “I don’t know, I just…” he trailed off.

“You just what?”

He turned red, dropping his head and gaze, and mumbled, “I woke up, and thought you were a dream, that yesterday was a dream, and then I saw you next to me, and figured out you weren’t, and…it’s stupid,” he sighed.

“Cas. Just tell me.”

“Nothing.” Cas shook his head. “I was just making sure you weren’t. A dream.”

Dean didn’t say anything, and Cas took that as confusion. “It’s stupid, I know, I’m sorry.” He rushed, untangling himself from Dean quickly, turning even redder and avoiding his gaze, “I shouldn't have woken you up. I’m sorry.”

Shaking his head, Dean grabbed Cas’s arm, pulling him a little closer. Cas looked up, and Dean saw fear in his eyes, and something else. The same thing that Dean was feeling too. 

He couldn't quite pinpoint it, but he knew. Cas was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Of course he was. Their little talk wasn't going to solve everything. Time would. 

“Hey,” Dean whispered, bringing Cas back to him, closer, “I get it.”

A crease appeared on Cas’s forehead, and he frowned. “You do?”

Dean nodded, “In a crazy way, yeah, I do.”

Cas kissed him softly, and that said it all.

***************************

They stayed in bed for a few more hours, none of them particularly enthusiastic to get up, still getting a little used to the feel of each other. Yesterday they had just hung out, watched a crappy movie and Cas had read Harry Potter out loud to Dean, with Dean’s head in his lap, just like before. Right now it was more catching up then just making out and eating too much popcorn to remain healthy.

“Okay, for the last time, my hand is definitely bigger than yours.”

“No,” Cas shifted a little, staring intently at both their palms pressed together, “mine’s longer, my mom always said I had a pianist's fingers.”

“Mine’s wider though.” Dean waggled his eyebrows, smirking. “It’s way thicker, too.”

Cas wrinkled his nose. “Dean, I feel like this isn’t about hand size anymore.”

That sent them into a fit of giggles. God, Dean had missed this. No matter how much shit they were going to have to get through, it was going to be worth it. He knew that much.

***************************

They were in the middle of making ramen for lunch at 2 PM and having an intense argument when it happened.

“No, seriously,” Cas said as he poured the water in and put it in the microwave, “I’m Dirty Dan.”

“Cas, come on,” Dean countered, “I’m Dirty Dan. Your hair sticks up, and…uh…if you gel it up well enough, it’ll look like a triangle on top of your head!” He paused, realizing how utterly stupid that argument was, but continued nonetheless, “You’re totally Pinhead Larry.”

“Who you calling a pinhead?” Cas argued in a southern accent, leaning down and kissing Shiba, who was watching them argue in silence on the kitchen counter, “I’m Dirty Dan!”

“No,” Dean adopted the same accent, “I’m Dirty Dan!”

“I’m Dirty Dan!”

“I’m Dir-”

The phone rang loudly from the bedroom, and Cas sighed, walking out of the kitchen to answer it. Shiba glared at him, if cats could do that- and what the hell did Dean know about cats, he was still holding his breath and counting to 10 every time he needed to sneeze- and meowed, following his owner by jumping off the counter and accidentally half opening a drawer in the process. 

Dean sighed, muttering under his breath about that damn cat, going to close the drawer, but something caught his eye. 

A knife. A really, really _big_ one. And that wasn't the weird part, the weird part was that it was in Cas’s apartment. Cas was really paranoid about knives, never touched anything bigger than a small kitchen knife after he had once almost cut off his own finger cutting tomatoes when he was 16. 

That family really had issues about tomatoes. 

Dean frowned, waiting, listening, to Cas, his faint voice as he continued his deep discussion with the person on the phone in the bedroom with the door closed. Yeah, that wasn’t going to end anytime soon. 

He hesitated, maybe he was just being stupid, too paranoid after this whole getting back together thing. Yeah, that was it. This was just messing with his head. He was overreacting. Dean let out a small breath and closed the drawer, telling himself he would just ask Cas about it casually when he got back. 

Except….

Why did he feel like there was something wrong? Something nagged him, at the back of his brain, and before he could stop himself, he opened the drawer again, and picked up the knife, inspecting it closely. 

Okay. Dean couldn't quite figure out what he was looking for. Food? Blood? Remains of an animal carcass? It was heavy, and Dean held it carefully in his hands, until something else caught his eye in the drawer. He almost dropped the knife when he realized what it was. 

Weed. A lot of it. It wasn't in its actual form, but packs and packs of it, already rolled up in cigarette shape, ready to go. There were so many, filling up the drawer, and Dean had been too focused on the knife and not the little green boxes behind it that he never noticed them. That hit Dean hard, and it wasn't that weed was a huge drug that was extremely destructive to someone’s life, no, everyone had tried it at least once, Dean had done it a couple of times just for the hell of it, but it was because it was _Cas_. And Dean knew that Cas was really up there in his weed level, but _God_ , seeing it was something else entirely. So there he was, in his soulmate’s kitchen (who had just _became_ his soulmate again) holding a big knife, staring at a colossal stash of weed. And, of course, that’s exactly when Cas decided to waltz in, carrying Shiba and looking royally pissed off. 

“Hey, so that was my p-” Cas stopped, staring at the spectacle in front of him, and his expression changed like that. “Oh.”

Dean blinked, and realized how weird he might’ve looked, breathing hard with a large knife in his hands and staring at the weed widely. He made an effort to calm down a little, breath in deep, and put the knife down, his hands slightly shaking.

_Why am I freaking out so much? I need to calm down._

“Dean,” Cas started, putting Shiba down and taking his hand, and Dean realized why he had been so freaked about the knife. Cas was wearing a thick sweater, his sleeves covering his arms, but when he took Dean’s hand, the sweater pulled back at the wrist a little bit and revealed the start of a series of long, red, cuts.

_Oh God._

Dean felt like throwing up all over again, just like how he had felt when Cas told him that he wasn’t a…virgin, so to speak, anymore. But this was even worse. 

“Cas,” he said, his voice shaking a little, and he cleared his throat, “show me your wrists.”

The reaction was immediate. Cas stepped back, frowning, and crossed his arms tightly against his chest. “Why?”

“Just do it.” Dean urged, trying to remain calm. 

“Dean. Why do you need to-”

“Just do it, dammit,” Dean hissed, and Cas scowled, pushing the sleeves of his sweater up and showing him completely clean, tanned arms, devoid of cuts or scratches. Of course, except the ugly cuts on his right wrist, about 2 inches long each. 

Dean stepped forward, taking Cas’s wrist gently, inspecting it. He brushed a thumb, as light as a feather, across the cuts. 

“It’s not what you think it is,” Cas whispered, his expression pained, “I promise.” 

Dean’s eyes flicked to the knife on the counter, then up at Cas. He wanted to believe him so bad, because seeing that cut hurt him more than he thought could. It was raw, and he didn't quite know what to do because the shock was still settling in, in his stomach, and crawling its way up to his heart. 

“Dean,” Cas pulled away and Dean let him, his eyes still on the cut, “please believe me. I know what you're thinking,” he took his soulmate’s face in his hands, bringing it close, “It’s not that. I promise.”

“Then what is it?” 

“Shiba. She scratched me.”

Dean looked down at the cut again. “That’s a lot for a cat.”

Cas shook his head, “No, it’s not. Trust me. You don’t own a cat.”

“Well,” Dean frowned, still quite not believing it. It couldn't be that simple. “Why would she scratch you?”

“Cause she’s a cat.”

“And you didn’t…anywhere else?”

Shaking his head, Cas promised that he hadn’t. 

Dean didn't know what to say, so hurriedly blinking back his tears he leaned his forehead against Cas’s and breathed in, breathed out, breathed in, breathed out. 

_Calm down, Winchester. You’re fine. It’s just from the cat._

Cas held him, and when Dean pulled back, a little more calm, he hugged him tight, like he had never been hugged before in his life. 

“You’re so wound up, Dean,” Cas whispered in his ear. “It’s okay. We’ll be fine. I promise.”

They swayed there, in the kitchen, holding on to each other for dear life, it seemed, breathing in the scent of one another, because it had been the longest time since they had hugged. Dean buried his face into Cas’s neck, taking in greedy gulps of his soulmate. 

They stood like that for a long time. 

Dean pulled back, calmer now, and the mood was gone, rather, changed into something more neutral. He turned to stare at the huge stash of weed. Cas studied it, as if he were a scientist investigating a new species than Cas just staring at his drug pile. 

“So, what are we gonna do about that?” Dean asked, gesturing to it, trying to keep his voice as casual as possible. Cas looked at it for a few seconds more, then nodded, as if he had made a decision. 

“Well, you said that you weren't going to tolerate me smoking marijuana all the time,” he started, pulling the packs out and setting them on the counter, “and you’re right. Neither will I.” Cas looked up and smiled, as if the thought that he could stop anytime he wanted to had just occurred to him. Dean realized that it probably had. “So,” he continued, “let’s get rid of it.”

Dean froze. “You’re suggesting we smoke it?!”

“What? No!” Cas rolled his eyes, continuing to pull out the packs, “I meant destroy them. It could be kind of therapeutic.”

That was actually a really good idea, but sounded cheesy, and Dean couldn’t help but make fun of him for it. “I need to talk to this Evelyn,” he joked as he helped Cas, “it sounds like she’s making you her little minion.”

Cas didn’t say anything to that, but instead instructed Dean to “get the fireplace going”. Seriously. Fireplace. Who even _used_ those anymore? Cas pointed him to the other room he hadn't been in the entire time he had stayed here, and Dean hesitated to go in. Who knew if Narnia was in there?

He was still shaken up about the whole knife and cut thing, so he cautiously opened the door, not really knowing what he was expecting. A dead body, maybe? But it was just a huge room of bookshelves among bookshelves, and Dean remembered the seemingly endless amount of books Cas had had in his parent’s house. Of course the stubborn bastard would refuse to part with even one and stuff them all one gigantic room. He saw the fireplace at the end of the room and sat down next to it, when he realized that he actually didn’t know how to start up a fireplace. Great. 

“Hey Cas!” he started, getting up and walking to the kitchen, “how the hell do you start up a fireplace?”

Cas was holding all the drugs in his hands, piled up to his nose, and it was kind of funny; There was just something kind of comical about it. Dean rushed forward and helped him. 

“Do you know how to start up a fireplace?”

“Uh…” Cas let out a bark of laughter, “no.”

“Well, so much for destroying and therapy.”

Cas shrugged, and, dumping the packs into Dean’s already full hands, bought out a few plastic bags. Dean let all the packs fall into the bags, and it took 2 full bags filled to the point of bulging to get rid of them all. They took a bag each, and Cas grabbed his keys. 

“Come on,” he beckoned as he started to walk towards the door, bag and keys in hand. “Let’s just go dump these in the dumpster outside the apartment.”

Marijuana had been legalized years ago, so it wasn't technically illegal, but this was just…bizarre. Throwing packs of weed away in broad daylight was something else. 

Dean’s last words before following his soulmate out the door were, “This is honestly one of the weirdest things we’ve ever done.”

And they had done some weird shit before.

***************************

The throwing away of the weed was oddly therapeutic, at least, for Cas, even though all they did was throw them in a dumpster. Dean watched as his shoulders relaxed the slightest, like he was letting go of something huge. And, in a way, he was. Dean kissed Cas’s temple, smiling at him.

“I’m proud of you, Cas.”

“Yeah well,” the corner of his mouth curved up shyly, “I won’t need it more, will I?”

Dean agreed, and kissed him on his temple again. That much he was going to make sure of.

***************************

“Wait, who was that on the phone?” asked Dean, shoveling ramen in his mouth as he sat across the table from Cas. “We got kind of side tracked with the whole-”

“Right! I forgot.” Cas chewed a little before answering. “It was my parents.”

“Oh. Cool.”

“Anna figured out we were back together.” Cas explained. “Not really hard to tell, though. She lives on the floor below us.”

Dean smiled, and reminded himself to catch up with Anna soon. He adored her, and hadn't seen her in…well…since…

“So my parents want to invite you over for dinner next Friday.”

That certainly caught his attention, Dean’s head snapped up, eyes wide. “Why?”

Cas sighed, putting down his fork. “Knowing my parents, probably cause they want to interrogate you and make sure you don’t…” he trailed off, looking apologetic. 

Oh. 

“It’s fine,” Dean lied, because it was totally _not_ fine, “I get it.”

They had just gotten back together, and now Cas’s parents wanted to strap him down and ask him all these questions about Cas and their future and make sure the other shoe wouldn't drop when he himself didn’t even know and was scared that it would too.

That dinner was going to be a disaster, and Cas’s parents probably already hated him for what he did, but of course, Cas had taken up weed, so they were probably both just done with the both of them. 

“Dean, I know it’s a little too early. I’m sorry.”

“I get it,” he repeated through gritted teeth. God, when did his life become a stupid romantic comedy? Except it wasn't even funny, it was just plain sad. 

Cas scowled at his ramen. “They’re being stupid. They always treat me like a child.”

Well, he was going to have to face Cas’s family sooner or later, and Dean rather he make them hate him sooner and know for sure than just sitting and waiting and wondering. “It’s fine, Cas.” he sighed.

“No it’s not,” Cas half-hissed, turning red. Clearly this was bothering him a little more than even Dean. “It’s just really annoying sometimes. I just…I’m not a baby….and…ugh.” He groaned, picking up his fork again and stabbing his ramen with it, “I can’t stand it, I just want them to leave me alone for half a second. It’s the worst…when they just _try_ so hard.”

Dean grimaced, looking up. “No. It’s when they don’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update's the 19th of January. Comments and reviews are appreciated :)
> 
> P.S. If you don't get the Pinhead Larry and Dirty Dan references, don't worry about it. It's a throwaway joke I thought would be cute for Dean and Cas to argue over. It's from Spongebob. I like to think they watch that together.


	34. November 23rd, 7:51:09 PM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "For you I'd bleed myself dry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update is on the 26th, next Monday, as usual. Enjoy! :)

They eventually decided to meet up at a restaurant instead of the Milton house, because Cas and Dean supposed Cas’s parents couldn't make that much of a big scene in a fancy public setting. Anna had found out about the dinner and had said she wanted in because she was a part of the family too, goddamn, and so she was tagging along too. 

Cas and Dean got there 10 minutes earlier than planned because the both of them were freaking out enough already and there wasn't any point to just waiting and worrying at home. They sat down at their table, Dean fidgeting with his blazer. 

“It’s alright Dean,” Cas eased, fixing Dean’s tie for him and smoothing down his blazer, resting his hands by his side, “you look fine.”

“I feel like I’m slowly morphing into one of the Blue Brothers,” Dean grumbled, and Cas pretended to get that reference, “I can’t believe I let you talk me into buying this.”

“I want you to make a good impression on my parents. Like you’re a serious man.” Cas slapped Dean’s hand away when it wandered up to mess with his tie. “And besides.” he paused, grinning, “you look more like a seventh grader at his first dance.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “They’ve already met me!” he snapped. “They know me really well, Cas, if you remember. And why are you wearing the same thing as me if that’s the reason?”

“Dean, I know, but they’re probably going to judge you really critically now that-”

“Okay, before you guys start throwing shit at each other, just know that I’m here.” Anna suddenly appeared out of nowhere in a black dress and hair up in an elaborate bun, sitting down to the right of Dean. Cas raised his eyebrows at Dean, to pass the message that _See? She’s dressed nice too_ and Dean huffed at him, scowling. 

She took a look at the couple and smirked, remarking, “You too look like a couple of dorks in those monkey suits.”

“Anna! You too?”

She shrugged, looking around for a waiter. “I need a drink before this starts.”

“That’s illegal.” Cas pointed out, “Not to mention just plain bad for you.”

“You’re one to talk, Bob Marley,” Anna retorted, and Dean unsuccessfully tried to hide a snort of laughter. Cas sighed, still not getting any reference that Dean or his sister ever threw at him. 

“Listen,” Anna started, suddenly serious as her hazel eyes widened urgently, “Mom and Dad are pissed. Really pissed.”

“At me or Cas?”

“At the both of you, Dean.” she told them, then added, giving them a look, “With good reason, I may add.”

“Hey!” Cas protested. “We literally just got over our whole self pitying thing, okay?!”

“Yeah well, I’m still kind of pissed at you both too. It took like, 78 years for you two to get your shit together.”

Dean crossed his arms, huffing at her, “Says the one who was all whiny for months after her accident. And the only way she got better was because of meeting her soulmate.”

“I got hit by a car!”

“I got raped!”

“Cas,” Dean said in a gentle voice, and Cas noticed that a lot of people were looking at him. He cleared his throat, calming himself down. Anna gave him an apologetic look. 

“Listen, I didn't come here to side with Mom and Dad, or start a fight with you two.” Anna reached out and took his hand, squeezing it; Cas let her. “I came here because I wanted to be here for you and Dean when the ‘rents get really pissed. Mom especially.” Cas took a deep breath, nodding. “You know how bad she gets.”

Dean, meanwhile, had been watching the exchange silently, but not gave the siblings a weird look. “But your mom is so sweet.”

Anna snorted, taking her hand back. “Yeah, well, let me just tell you, when she gets going, she…” Anna trailed off, because the very person she was talking about had walked into the restaurant, wearing a beautiful blue dress the color of the Cas’s eyes, her husband at her side in a suit. 

And she, to say the least, looked pissed.

****************************

Dinner officially started with a clipped “Hello Anna” from Cas’s mother and no mention of the fact that Cas and Dean were sitting across from her. There was an awkward silence as they each ordered their food. Mr. Milton looked more nervous than angry, his eyes darting from Cas to Dean quickly, in contrast to his wife, who glared at her menu, pointedly not looking at the soulmates.

“Enjoy your food,” the waitress politely said as she set down Cas’s food in front of him, him being the last one to get served. No one ate, and a heavy silence enveloped them, extremely uncomfortable and thick. 

“Thanks, you too,” Cas stammered out, then turned red when he realized what he had just said. His heart was pounding a million beats per second and he couldn't remember a time when he was so terrified of his parents. 

_What if they hate him?_

_What if they hate us?_

Cas’s parent’s approval was extremely important to him, and he didn't know what he was going to do if they didn’t. He felt Dean slip his hand into his, intertwining their fingers together under the table so no one could see, and he relaxed a little. Whatever happened, he still had Dean. 

That is, if the other shoe didn’t drop, just like his parents thought. 

But it wouldn’t, right? Dean was here with him now, Dean wasn't going to leave him, and he sure as hell wasn't going to leave Dean. 

Right. Feeling a bit stronger, he took a sip of his water, holding the glass with his other hand so he didn't have to stop holding Dean’s hand, when he saw his mother looking up at him for the first time that whole evening, with a hard face.

Cas set his glass down, looking back at his mom and cracking a shaky smile. She didn't smile back. 

God, this was all so uncomfortable. 

Anna was the first to break the silence. “So.” She started, unsure about what to say. Everyone turned to look at her. “Weed.” She nodded. 

Cas gave her a look, and she shrugged. He felt Dean shift uncomfortably next to him, and he felt like shit. This was a place completely out of Dean’s comfort zone. Ties and restaurants with soft music and fancy food that was hard to pronounce. 

Dean apparently took Anna’s attempt as a cue to start talking. “Okay, listen. I get it, you’re pissed.” Cas’s parents looked up at him, and his mom…well…if looks could kill. “I’m pissed at myself too. And Cas is pissed at himself. And we’re both still a little pissed at each other, although we’ve gotten over most of it, and this whole thing is one big mess. I get it. But just…” He turned to Cas, taking his other hand and looking into his eyes sincerely, “I love Cas. And all these things that happened, they sucked. Yeah. They sucked ass.” Mrs. Milton’s eyebrows jumped up at Dean cursing so blatantly, Anna both fought back a smile and Mr. Milton didn't show any reaction to the word. Cas felt lightheaded, and he couldn't quite believe it. This was Dean. Dean. Dean was saying this to him, in front of his entire family. “But,” he paused, licking his lips and looking for the right words to say, and when he looked up, his face was glowing with so much sincerity and hope and love that, for Cas it said it all. 

“But what, Dean?” Mrs. Milton asked, and Cas was surprised to hear less bitterness in his mother’s voice than he had expected. She was less bitter than…tired. 

“But they won’t happen again.” Cas wanted to kiss him so bad, right then and there, but Dean turned his head to look at his parents, eyebrows knit, “And I get you. I do. Cas got raped and he turned to weed and I left him and we still haven't found his rapist, and you’re worried about him but then he goes and moves out. And then I march back in here and…” Dean sighed, looking back at Cas. “I hate what happened too. And I know that Cas, and I, we had a rulebook, before we met each other, but that’s not…when I’m with him that’s all gone, now. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future and if it there’s going to be another shoe that’s going to drop, but just know that….that…that I love Cas with all my heart and I want to be with him the rest of my life.”

All of Cas’s self control vanished and he kissed Dean hard, cupping his face. Dean reciprocated quickly, and when the kiss was over, Dean looked at him, like he was the most precious thing in the world. Cas felt like a million shooting stars all at once, and not even Anna groaning dramatically and stage whispering “Ew!” fiercely could dim them. Cas knew that, whatever happened, him and Dean, they would still work. They would still be together. That would never go away. 

Dean let go of him to turn and raise his eyebrows at his parents. “So, whataya say?”

Mr. Milton was full on grinning, and Mrs. Milton had a completely blank face on, so Cas had no idea what the hell she was thinking or feeling .

“And I know that you’re mad at Cas,” Dean continued, speaking directly to Cas’s mom now, “but it’s mostly me, I know. Tonight was more about me proving myself to you. Your opinion means a lot to us, Mrs. Milton,” he told her, his voice turning softer, and Cas felt a surge of pride swell through him. This was _his_ boyfriend, _his_ soulmate. Dean was _his_. “Cas even made me dress up and everything,” he gestured to himself. “I hope that whatever I said convinced you, even though I know I’m not very good at monologues and all that.”

Cas’s mom stayed silent, her face completely blank, and Cas felt his heart sink. 

She was still pissed. She didn’t approve. 

“Come on, mom.” Anna pleaded, “Come on. Don’t be mad. Please, just…The only time I’ve ever seen someone look at someone else like Dean looks at Cassie is when dad looks at you. Eric doesn't even look at me like that, yet.”

That did it. Cas’s mom broke down, her face crumbling and tears free flowingly down her face like condensation. Cas’s heart skipped a beat, because the worst thing in the world was seeing your mom cry and he wasn't really ready for this. 

“My boy,” she whispered through her tears, and Cas was about to start tearing up too as he watched his dad comfort her. People were starting to look at them, but Cas didn't care at all for that matter. She sniffed, biting her lip and Dean nudged him, mouthing at him to go hug her, and he stood up, making his way towards her and wondering when Dean got better at this whole emotional thing than him. 

Cas wrapped his arms around her weeping mother, and she held onto him tightly and buried her face into his shoulder. He felt his dad hug the both of them, and Anna got up and decided to complete the whole Milton family hugging thing going on. Dean awkwardly sat there, watching them, and giving equally awkward smiles to the people staring, which was basically everyone in the restaurant. Cas was kind of surprised they hadn't gotten kicked out yet, since this restaurant was mainly attended by fancy posh white rich people, didn’t they have some kind of rule against this? One of their many rules of etiquette or something?

Mrs. Milton lifted her head and kissed his hair, stroking it softly when she got sight of Dean and gestured for him to join them. Cas watched, his head squished against Anna’s stomach in an awkward position, as Dean shook his head, nervous, but his mom just held out her hand and said, “Come on, Dean. You’re one of us.”

Dean joined them in their huge group hug reluctantly, squeezing his way next to his soulmate, and Cas kissed him softly through his tears. 

They stayed like that, every single one of them crying silently and sniffling before the manager had to come and threaten to kick them out unless they started acting like normal people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and reviews are greatly appreciated, and by that I mean whenever I get a notification for one (which is a lot, God bless you all) I squeal like an idiot-usually in public- and embarrass myself. 
> 
> I haven't taken the time to thank you guys for reading this story, so...thank ya'll so so much. Every single read, every kudos, comment, means so incredibly much to me. Ya'll are so amazing, and I'm going to stop before I start tearing up, so...ya. You'd think that I would be better at writing these kind of things when I'm at least a decent writer and storyteller, but just, thank ya'll so so much, from the bottom of my very heart.


	35. December 1st, 1:09:49 PM

They were in the deli eating their sandwiches when it happened. Cas started straight up hyperventilating in the middle of his sentence, his palms shaking and face red as he turned away from the tables to face the window. 

Dean frowned, scanning the crowd that Cas was afraid of. Nothing. “Cas,” he asked urgently, reaching out and taking his soulmate’s hand, “what happened?”

Cas didn't reply, Dean doubted that he could in the state he was. The Milton squeezed his eyes shut, shaking visibly. 

“Cas, talk to me. Are you okay? What happened to you?”

Still there was no answer, and Dean scanned the crowd once more. There were the normal amount of people here, nothing special. Two soulmates out for a date, a mother and her kids, a huge blonde woman, a-

Wait. 

Holy shit. 

Holy _shit_. 

Cas was to the state of a mental breakdown, and Dean turned red when he realized what was going on. Breathing deeply and forcing himself to stay calm, he dialed Kate’s number- he had it on speed dial for situations exactly like this- and didn’t even bother saying hello when she picked up. 

“We have Cas’s rapist sitting less than 10 yards away from us. Tell us what to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that was so extremely extremely short, I'm going out of continent halfway across the world in 2 days and I've been so so busy. That being sad, I'm afraid I will unfortunately have to take a hiatus that will last about a month long, due to me traveling. The next chapter will be on Monday as usual, on the 23rd of February. Love you all so much, and thank y'all for your continued support. Hopefully none of y'all get bored and leave when I'm gone :/


	36. December 1st, 1:10:03 PM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life."  
> -J.K. Rowling

Kate was surprisingly calm about the whole situation.

“Okay,” she replied without missing a beat, and Dean had the sudden urge to reach over the phone and strangle her. How was she not _freaking out_?

“Okay,” she repeated, her voice suddenly changing into something more concrete, businesslike, “Listen to me very carefully. I’m going to call the police. I’m assuming that Cas is with you because you said ‘us’, so what I want you to do is to keep Cas away from her so she doesn't see him-make him go home if you have to-and just keep her where you can see her right up until she gets arrested. I’m going to put you on hold for a few moments, and call the police now.” There was a click, and the line went silent.

Dean, with the phone still pressed to his ear, turned to Cas, who was looking out the window, face red and breathing heavily, and tried not to panic. A bubble of hysteria rose in his stomach, getting bigger and bigger as he clutched the phone in his hands so tightly that he was sure that he was going to break it. He swiveled his head around to stare at the woman, Agnesse, her name was, who was calmly drinking her tomato soup like she was a normal civilian and not someone who had raped a 20 year old boy on his birthday. Although the permanent scowl on her face and the dirt smudged on her cheeks was getting a few curious looks by that 5 year old boy sitting with his mom next to them, no one could've guessed that she was something very different than just an unpleasant woman.

The world was funny that way. 

“Dean?” Kate spoke suddenly, “I’ve called the police. Have you gotten Cas out of the way?” Dean was frozen to the spot, unable to snap himself out of his trance, and couldn't do anything but stare at Agnesse.

She was wearing jeans that were scuffed at the end and a thick green sweater to protect herself from the December cold, although the sweater had a few small holes in it. She had long blonde hair that was tied up in a single braid down her back. Dean barely had time to wonder what she was doing back here, having run away after-

“Dean?” she asked again. “Dean, are you okay? Are you there? Is anyone hurt?”

“Dean,” Cas hissed urgently, suddenly grabbing his hand, and Dean jumped because his soul mate’s hand was really cold and _shit_ , he needed to move and do what Kate was saying. He blinked, getting up way too fast and trying to keep a watchful eye on Cas and the woman at the same time. “Dean, what do we do?”

“Dean?” Kate rose her voice, and a sliver of panic slipped through her calm and professional demeanor. 

_Dean Dean Dean Dean Dean Dean Dean Dean Dean Dean_

_God, what’s wrong with me?_

With that thought, he found it in himself to mumble back. “Yeah?”

Kate let out a tiny, almost inaudible sigh. “Do what I told you to do. Get Cas out of there and don’t let her out of your sight.” There was a click, and the line went dead.

_Get Cas out of there. Right._

_Don’t let her out of my sight. Right._

_Right._

_Shit._

_It’s all up to me._

That snapped him completely back, into action. “Cas,” he proclaimed, probably way too loudly, because people from the other tables looked over at him. Cas looked up at him solemnly, awaiting instructions like a little boy with his huge too blue eyes unblinking, the whole image painfully reminding Dean of the moments after his soulmate’s rape, when Dean had set him on the counter and pressed the vinegar into his bruises. The wounds had healed up eventually, obviously. 

The ones on the inside were a different story. 

Peeking over at Agnesse and finding that she wasn't even halfway done with her sandwich, Dean grabbed Cas’s hand and led him outside wordlessly, sneaking glances at her every few seconds or so. Maybe he was being paranoid, but they had looked for the woman for than 4 months, and now that they had found her, he wasn't letting her out of his sight. 

“Listen,” Dean started once they were outside in the freezing air, talking as he helped Cas with his coat because no way was his soulmate in any state to do, well, anything. He positioned Cas in a way so that his back was facing her so that he could keep an eye on her and she wouldn't see Cas. “I know you want to stay here, but you can’t.” Cas didn’t say anything, but just glared at him, his cheeks and nose pink from the cold. “She’ll see you and try to run again, and you shouldn't be here anyway. This isn't good for you.” His voice hoarse, Dean gave Cas a pat on his shoulder, “You say that you’re over it, buddy, but…” he trailed off, gesturing to Cas’s shaking hands and his red face that had nothing to do with the cold and the terrified look on his face.

“I’m not leaving, Dean,” Cas hissed, surprisingly firm.

“Cas, please. She might see you-”

“Then we’ll catch her.” he shot back stubbornly, crossing his arms, still looking terrified as hell but adamant on his decision too. Dean knew that there was no swaying Cas, he was one of the most stubborn son-of-a-bitch in the world.

He tried anyway. “Cas-”

“Dean, I love you, but this is _my_ life, and this is _my_ choice. I am the only one who makes my decisions. Not you, not my parents, not Anna, not Kate, _me_. I’m not the same Cas you met a year ago, okay? I may not have been through nearly as many hardships as you have in your life, but I am every bit as strong as you, both mentally and physically. I can handle this, and I’ll stay out of her sight so she won’t run, I get it, but I’m not _leaving_. ”

Dean nodded, at a loss for words on what to say. This was…not expected. But then again, Cas had been surprising him a lot these days.

Cas, suddenly strengthened by some powerful unknown force, grabbed at Dean’s coat to pull him forward by it and kiss him fiercely, then stepped back and giving him a grin and a thumbs up, ran off to sit at the outside tables of the coffee shop 2 doors down, leaving only footprints in the white snow. Dean stared. His soulmate was a freaking _badass_. 

Cas gave him a look that told him to get back at keeping an eye on Agnesse, so with a wave, he went back inside the deli and sat down at his table. 

Shit. 

The woman, she was getting up. She had finished her sandwich and soup when Cas and Dean had been outside and…shit. 

_Stall her, stall her, stall her._

_How the hell do I stall her? I’m a complete stranger to her!_

Then Dean remembered that she was a _rapist_. 

Thinking fast, or, as Cas would call it later on, panicking and instead of making a rational decision, not thinking at all, Dean rushed forward and plopped down on the seat across from Agnesse’s chair. 

_Oh. My. God._

_What the hell am I doing?!  
 ___

Well, there was no backing out now. Agnesse had seen him and was scrutinizing him, squinting her green eyes and looking him up and down. She looked even bigger because she was standing up, hovering over him, and Dean had to resist the urge to shudder. His heart pounded a million beats per minute wildly, he was surprised that he even had it in him to speak at that moment. 

_When did I become like this? I’m usually so brave._

He answered the question for himself

_Since I've had so much to lose. Since I fell in love with Cas. Before it was just Sam, now it's Sam, and Jess, and Anna, and Eric, and...and...Cas._

Apparently she liked what she saw- and _God_ that was a repulsive thought- because she grinned, showing off her dirty teeth, and sat down, leering at him. 

“What do _you_ want, pretty boy?” she drawled, and Dean almost threw up. 

Oh, he was a goner. 

__

_*********************************_

“Yeah, I offer those type of,” Dean paused, pretending to look around and leaning in closer as if he was telling her a secret (holding his breath while doing so because she smelled like a goddamn sewer), “services,” he dropped his voice to a whisper, not believing what the hell was coming out of his mouth. 

There was a glint in Agnesse’s eyes, and she leaned even closer and placed her hand on his, grinning. Dean knew that he was going to scrub that hand raw, and suddenly, he understood Cas’s obsession with cleaning himself. She had only touched part of his hand, but for Cas, she had touched… 

Dean couldn't bring himself to think about it. 

Scooting even closer, Agnesse dropped her voice to a low whisper, “Why me?” 

Oh. So she wanted to either get an ego boast or get it down and dirty right there in the deli. Probably both. Dean glanced behind her, towards the door and saw 2 police cars parked outside. 

He took his sweet time to respond, acting as if he was genuinely thinking about it. Dean flashed her his best shit eating grin, teeth and all, and leaned backwards in his chair, taking his hand back. She followed his every moment hungrily, eating his act right up. Out of the corner of his eye, Dean saw 5 or so police officers close in around the deli. The bell jingled as 2 tall buff officers walked inside, and that gave Dean the strength and confidence that he needed. 

“Cause you raped the love of my life, you _bitch_.” 

She blinked once, twice, thrice, and her face twisted into shock, panic, terror, and rage in a matter of seconds. Her eyes widened 5 times their regular size, and whirling around, saw the 2 police officers closing on her. Faster than Dean could blink, she pushed past the officers- damn she was strong-and ran.

__

_*********************************_

__She was probably arrested already inside the deli, no way could she have pushed past those officers and ran._ _

Cas sighed, drawing his coat more tightly around him in the cold. He had felt so brave back there when he had made that little speech to Dean, but right now he just felt tired and lonely and cold. He debated on whether or not to actually go inside the coffee shop and order something, but decided against it in paranoia that something actually happened. 

He thought that he had gotten over his fear of her long long ago, but seeing her today, it had done something to him. Terror had gripped his insides tightly, its icy fingers almost suffocating him. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to be strong. He was okay now, guess it went away when he stopped staring at her and remembering everything about that horrible night, and…and…and…he just basically wanted to punch her in the face at this point. 

Speak of the devil, suddenly, the door to the deli burst open and out came Agnesse, running widely. Dean and 3 of the officers ran behind her- the other 2 ran to the car to catch her using that source- and Cas realized that she was running towards the coffee shop. 

That wasn’t very smart. 

Suddenly filled with adrenaline, Cas jumped the barrier in between the chairs of the coffee shop and outside, and positioned himself right in front of where she was hoping to run past. Dean’s eyes widened when he realized what his soulmate was doing and yelled out, “Cas, no!” 

That turned out to be just what he needed, because Agnesse swiveled her face around while still running towards the noise, and when she turned around again, she was met with Cas right in her face, and a millisecond later, his fist colliding hard into her nose, making a satisfying crunching noise. She groaned loudly in pain, clutching her nose, and although the police had already gotten ahold of her, Cas with his newfound rage kicked her just as hard in the crotch. Ignoring the yells of the officers, and Agnesse, for that matter, to stop (but none from Dean), he immediately kicked her again in the crotch, and she screamed out a string of colorful creative curses. 

Dean intervened then, pulling him back, but that was okay, that was okay, because Cas was done. He didn't need to do anything else. 

He was done. 

He laughed out loud, a hysterical laugh, and he didn't care that everyone in the street was watching and thinking that he was some kind of madman as well, laughing loudly as a woman got her face shoved into the snow and handcuffs locked around her as one officer read her her rights. He didn’t care, because he was done. 

He was aware of Dean holding him tightly against his chest, but he didn't try to pull away or anything. Yeah, he wasn't a baby, and yeah, he was strong, but right now, he wanted Dean, and needing someone didn't correlate with weakness. Cas wished he had knew that months ago, years ago. He wish he had known how strong he was. How strong he had the power to be. He had the power to kick his rapist’s _ass_. The old Cas would've never done that. Then again, he wasn't the old Cas anymore. 

Agnesse was dragged away to the police’s car, screaming and resisting. Her sounds stopped abruptly as the officer slammed the door shut after forcing her inside. Dean kissed his temple fiercely, and whispered into his ear, “It’s over Cas. It’s over.” 

Cas laughed out loud again, and the laugh turned into a sob. He felt like the biggest weight had been lifted off his shoulders, and turned around to see that Dean was crying too, silent tears dripping down his face. 

“It’s over, Dean,” Cas repeated back to his soulmate, and another relieved sob escaped out of his mouth, “It’s really over.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!! *Moriarty voice* Did you miss me?
> 
> Anywhore, I'm /extremely beyond/ tired- jet lag and all that- so I literally procrastinated this chapter up until today...I shouldn't have told y'all that, but that's my explanation because I feel like I could've written this a lot better :/
> 
> Anywhore, I hope y'all enjoyed it!
> 
> Edit: You pronounce Agnesse's name like "Egg-nee-yo-sis". It's a Russian name :)


	37. December 3rd, 2:22:59 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you feel like this is rushed, it's because it is. I literally had NO time to write anything at all, I've been so busy with makeup work at school, it's ridiculous. I'm sorry, this isn't a well written chapter, in my opinion, at all.

“Relax, Cas,” eased Dean from the driver’s seat of his beloved Impala, taking a minute to look over at his soulmate, who was finicking next to him,“it’ll be fine. The court case doesn’t start until 3, and we’ll be there in 10 minutes.”

“Stop playing with your tie, Cassy,” said Jess from the backseat, “it’s already messed up.”

Cas frantically smoothed down his tie, desperately looking for any deficiencies. “What’s wrong with it?” His voice shook slightly.

He felt a firm pat on his shoulder, presumedly Eric, who was squeezed in between Sam and Anna in the backseat. Cas wondered, for a moment, how the four of them back there could even breath. “We never told you this, buddy, but, it’s always backwards.”

“What?!”

Anna snorted. “Your tie is literally always backwards whenever you wear one. And you wear one a LOT.”

Cas frowned, squinting his eyes at his black tie, and smoothed it down once more, fingers shaking. The patch at the end stuck out to him for the first time. “Why didn't you guys ever tell me before?”

“We all talked about telling you,” Sam added, “if that means anything.”

Dean laughed. “I always thought it was kind of cute-”

“Does anyone have a joint?”

The reaction was immediate and apparent, and exactly what Cas had feared. Anna, Jess, and Sam all yelled out at the same time, and Dean almost swerved off the road.

“Are you serious?!”

“Do you have any idea what the hell you just said?!”

“Cas, sweetheart, no way in hell are we letting you even near a five mile radius of marijuana.”

“Cas, I thought we got over this!” Dean, slightly panicked, was trying to keep an eye on the road while glaring at his boyfriend. “We threw them all away, remember?!” Cas sighed, sinking into his seat and trying to swallow the lump in his throat. “We did all that therapy shit, threw them in the dumpster. We were about to throw them in the fire but we didn't know how to start a fireplace, which, thank God, because we were both really out of it and throwing weed in the fireplace would have been a TERRIBLE idea…? Remember that? You said you quit and…” Dean stopped, clutching the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were starting to turn white. Cas wondered how the hell he was even managing to drive straight. “Have you been lying to me this whole time?”

“What?” Cas sat upright. “No! I haven’t smoked it since, I promise.” He watched as Dean relaxed the tiniest fraction. “I guess, I’m just, so used to using it as a coping method and today they're going to decide whether or not the person who raped me is going to go to jail or walk free, and Kate said a while back that a lot of rape cases are treated like shit, and…” He sighed again, shrinking back into the seat and making himself as small as possible without crumpling his suit (mostly because his mom had given him a 30 minute lecture about presenting yourself well in court this morning). “What if she goes free?”

“Hey, little bro?”

“Anna, how many times do I have to tell you that you are literally older by only two minutes-”

“Little bro.”

“What?” he snapped.

“I don’t know about everybody else, but there is no way in hell am I letting that bitch get away.”

There was a long silent pause, then Cas let himself crack a little smile at that, and the whole car, except Dean-who was watching the road, yelled out triumphant whoops. “There it is!” Jess exclaimed, pinching his cheek affectionately, “there we go!”

Dean smiled and took his hand in his, causing the others to quickly turn their enthusiastic whoops into enthusiastic (and very fake) blanches. 

“Get a room, you two,” yelled out Sam over Anna pretending to gag. 

“Suck my ass, you guys,” laughed Cas, causing Dean to turn up the radio to almost unbearably loud when Jess made a loud comment about how she would gladly, but Dean would get jealous.

December 3rd, 2:36:59 PM

_Take deep breaths. Calm down. It’ll be fine, Milton. It’ll be just fine._

Cas took a puff of his inhaler anyway, leaning against the hall outside of the courtroom where people were walking around, completely oblivious to Cas’s distress. Either that, or they were used to it. Twitchy people in suits and ties like Cas, lawyers, judges, policemen, a handful of doctors, it seemed like every single type of person you could think of was in there, somehow involved with some case in some way. 

Taking a deep breath again, Cas tried to run over what his attorney had run through in his mind one last time. Suddenly, he heard his name being called, and whipped around, cramming his inhaler into his pocket so that whoever it was wouldn't see how freaked out he was. He didn't want to worry anyone. 

It was Kate, wearing a dark suit and skirt, her tiny one inch heels clinking as she walked towards him. Her makeup and hair done just so, she looked serious, professional, and ready to kick ass all at the same time, and that’s when Cas realized the true importance of how you presented yourself in court. He looked down at his suit, which was rumbled and looked like it had been ironed 10 years ago, and his tie, which was hanging loose. 

She stopped right in front of him, looking him up and down then frowning. Cas couldn't blame her. Kate wrinkled her nose, “Why is your tie on backwards?”

He just sighed, and she rolled her eyes, tugging it off of him. “I don’t like it, anyway,” she told him, handing it back. “Makes you look like a tax accountant rather than a 20 year old traumatized rape victim.”

“Traumatized is a strong word,” he reminded her as she smoothed down his suit, trying to make the wrinkles disappear.

“Yeah well, it’s all about what you want them to think of you.” Kate frowned as she reached up on her toes to try to make his wild hair stay flat. “God, your hair never stays down, does it?” She grumbled, and Cas bent down to give her better access to it. “It’s insufferable.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. 20 years of living with this hot mess, Kate. 20 years.”

She gave up, and gave him once last look over. Apparently satisfied enough, she smiled, looking up at him. 

“How you feeling?”

Cas shrugged.

“Do you remember what we went over last night?”

“Yeah, yeah. Trust me. This is one of the most biggest days of my life.” He stopped for a moment. “Don’t tell Dean I said that.”

She laughed. “For most people, it’s meeting their soulmates.”

“Look how messed up my life is, Kate.”

“I know.” She smiled at him again, before giving him a brief hug. “You’ll be fine. I’ll make sure of that.”

“Hey Kate?” he said suddenly, as she started to walk away.

“Yeah, Cas?”

“Thanks.”

It felt too dull, not enough to compensate for all that she had done for him. He didn't deserve her, no one deserved her, and Cas hoped that one day, when this was all over and the court case was nothing but a distant memory, he could sit down with her one day over a cup of coffee and just talk. He hoped they could still be friends. Cas had never such a close friend before, just casual ones that he sat with at lunch and said hi to in the hallways, not someone who he knew cared for him deeply and he cared for in return. He hadn't even realized when he had made that transition of thinking of her from just another official assigned to help him who didn't really understand him, to a trusted friend who he could always count on. 

It was nice. 

She smiled once more at him, a real one, with teeth and all. “You’re welcome.”

With that, she disappeared down the hall.

A hand on his shoulder make Cas jump and whip around, ready for some serious self defense. 

It was just Eric. 

“Oh. Hey, Eric.” Cas relaxed. “Is everyone else still in the court room?”

“Yeah.” When they had gotten to the court, Cas had said that he needed some time just to himself, and the group had quickly agreed, walking away from him as fast as possible as if he had a bomb strapped to his chest. They were probably all scared that he was going to have some sort of mental breakdown. “They’re all scared you’re going to have a mental breakdown.” 

Yup. 

Eric’s dark eyes darted around the hall, leaning in closer as if he had a secret. “Listen, man,” he dropped his voice to a low whisper.

Cas’s eyes widened as he felt the familiar feel of a joint pressed into his hand, Eric’s pale fingers closing Cas’s tightly around it. Cas was pretty sure that he had broken into a sweat right then and there. 

“Just one toke okay? To calm you down.” 

He looked around the hall, which was nearly empty, leaning in so close that he could make out the specks of brown in Eric’s seemingly jet-black eyes. “I can’t. You know I can’t.”

Eric shook his head ever so slightly. “I’m just giving it to you because I think it would calm you down. Just one puff, though, alright? You know better than to get high for something like this, and if you get in that court smelling like weed, this case is going to go up in smoke. Literally.”

Cas hesitated. 

“You know I’m not pressuring you into anything. It’s completely your choice.”

“No, no, I know-”

“It’s not illegal in the US, and you could go outside behind the building and, well, you know. You’ve been freaking out about this case a lot, and…you said it would calm you down in the car. I get it. I do.” There was something more than what Eric was telling him, and Cas turned his words over in his mind, trying to keep up.

“Did you…”

Eric nodded, grimacing. “I was in a bad place after my brother died.”

“I’m sorry, Eric.”

He shrugged with the demeanor of someone who had somewhat gotten over it and didn’t want to talk about it. “It’s cool. So…?” The black haired boy raised his eyebrows, gesturing to Cas’s sweaty palm where the marijuana cigarette was tightly grasped. 

He could do it. Just do it. But then that would be admitting that he was weak, and needed the drug to keep him in his wits. No matter at what mental state he was, he couldn’t; He had promised Dean. 

Cas let out a long breath he hadn't realized that he was holding. A slight shake of his head and Eric got the message, and they stepped back, Cas still holding the cigarette tightly in his palm. Eric smiled at him. “I’m glad you didn’t, Cas. I really am.”

Cas smiled back at him, a shaky one, but a smile nonetheless. “Thank you.”

He nodded, smiling at Dean on the way back to the courtroom. 

God, was this some kind of play planned out, where all the entrances and exits were perfectly synchronized? If that was the case, Cas had never gotten the memo. He quickly crammed the marijuana cigarette into his pocket, stuffed along with his inhaler and folded tie that was only folded because Kate had done it. 

Dean kissed him on the cheek when he got to him, taking his hand and kissing that affectionately too before holding it to his heart.

“Dean!” Cas protested playfully, “People might see.”

“Let ‘em.” 

Cas pursed his lips, and Dean leaned forward to kiss it off of him. 

“You ready, angel?”

The Milton took a deep breath. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I had to stop there, but again, no time to write much. I promise next week's chapter will be very plotty and nice and um...yeah...?
> 
> Side note (I have no idea why the hell I'm telling you guys this but y'all seem to like behind the scenes stuff so why not?):
> 
> Shiba was created based off of two things. [This](http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdd1ldbhg91qzfp7f.jpg) insanely cute picture of Misha with a ginger cat, and the 2014 NerdHQ panel at Comic Con, where they have a conversation about the name Shiba for a pet in the beginning for like, 2 full minutes, and then they reference it a lot during the panel. I thought it was hilarious and knew I had to put that in this fic somewhere. I literally wrote in Shiba the day after the panel, but no one's caught the reference yet, so..here it is!


	38. December 3rd, 2:58:53 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side note that all of y’all should read just in case:
> 
> If a lawyer objects to a question the other lawyer is asking, he has to say on what grounds, then the Judge either says sustained, or overruled. Sustained means that the Judge agrees with the objection and the lawyer has to ask the question in a different way or completely change tactics, and overruled means the Judge doesn't agree with the objection and the witness must answer the question. If a question is sustained, the jury is supposed to disregard it like it never happened, although that it pretty hard to do.

“You doing okay, angel?” Anna watched as Dean smiled at her brother, trying to sound more confident than he actually was- and he obviously wasn’t - for the sake of his soulmate. Cas grimaced, wringing his hands nervously. 

“I just want this to be over,” he sighed. 

“Yeah, I know. So do-”

“Cas!” hissed Mrs. Milton in her black dress and red lipstick, sandwiched between her son and her husband. “Your hair! I let you get ready at Anna’s with the group for _one_ day and-”

“Moooooooooooooom,” grumbled Cas, dragging the word out. “I haven't been able to tame it for 20 years, what makes you think today was going to be any different?”

Anna’s dad rubbed his wife’s arm reassuringly. “Calm down.”

She huffed, leaving it at that- thankfully, and Mr. Milton rolled his eyes at Dean. He mouthed something at the Winchester, but it was all lost because that’s when the bailiff’s voice boomed out, startling them all. Anna even saw Eric jump a little, and watched out of the corner of her eye as Dean and Cas got up and hurried out of the courtroom. They weren't allowed to be there as they were both witnesses. She turned back around, realizing that she had missed Agnesse coming in in her orange jail jumpsuit, handcuffed, because she was too busy talking to Sam and asking about court procedures. Anna could see barely see her, craning her neck around Sam to watch the large back in the orange jumpsuit way in the front. Ugh. Even Agnesse’s back disgusted her. 

“All rise.” It was a deep voice, almost as deep as Cas’s, and the bailiff, a bald, short, black man in a deputy uniform with a mustache that moved when he talked, looked like he would rather be eating donuts than here. There was a shuffling of feet as everyone in the court rose-and that was a _lot_ of people. Anna had been told by Sam before that a rape case where the victim was a man was unheard of, and people, especially law students, wanted to be there.The bailiff nodded, and continued in his strong voice.

“Department one of the Supreme Judicial Court of the State of Massachusetts is now in session.”

The Judge was an old white lady who was wearing long black robes and had a short blonde haircut that made it impossible for Anna not to compare her to Judge Judy. The bailiff gestured to her and said, “Judge Williams presiding. Please be seated.” 

There was a shuffling of feet once more and hushed whispers as everyone sat down. A reporter in the front snapped a picture. Anna laced Eric’s hand in hers, squeezing it tight. 

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,” said the Judge in an equally loud voice. Perhaps it was a requirement of court, to have a voice like that. “Calling the case of the People of the State of Massachusetts versus Agnesse Kolesov. Are both sides ready?”

The prosecutor, the one defending Cas, was a tall, slim, graying man by the name of Michael Parrish. He nodded, “Ready for the People, Your Honor.”

The defense attorney, a short, blonde man who looked like the textbook definition of sleazeball- it was the eyes, beady and squinting, that or it was just Anna’s imagination- named Luke Kuffner, did the same sitting on the opposite side of the court. “Ready for the defense, Your Honor.”

The Judge nodded, then turned to the jury sitting in the right. “Will the clerk please swear in the jury?” The jury was a diverse group, that was sure, the only thing any of them had in common with each other was that they were clutching open notebooks and pencils and had on nice clothes. The clerk turned to the group as well and said, “Will the jury please stand and raise your right hand?” They did so. “Do each of you swear that you will fairly try the case before this court, and that you will return a true verdict according to the evidence and the instructions of the court, so help you, God? Please say ‘I do’.” There was a chorus of I do’s. “ Thank you. You may be seated.”

Anna sighed quietly as the jurors sat down again, earning a glare from her mom, who was sitting beside her. Did every court have to go through this boring procedure before they got to the good part? This wasn't like Law and Order at all. 

There was the lengthy process of the prosecutor, who was Team Cas, made his opening statement about how Agnesse, who he kept calling “the defendant”, had raped Cas on August 20th and ran away, yada yada yada, said everything that they already knew. The defense attorney got up and made _his_ opening statement about how this was wrong and Cas made the whole thing up. Which really pissed Anna off. 

Soon enough, after the opening statements, the Judge boomed out, “The prosecution may call its first witness.”

Michael stood up and said, “The people call Dean Winchester to the stand.”

There was a heavy silence as the bailiff from earlier went outside the courtroom to get Dean. Footsteps echoed, slow and steady, as Dean made his way to the stand. He looked uncomfortable as hell in his monkey suit, as he kept on calling it, fixing his tie and glancing nervously at Judge Judy. His green eyes crinkled, and with hands clasped tightly in front of his stomach he constantly fiddled with his knuckles, weaving his fingers in and out of each other. He caught Anna’s eye, and she gave him the most reassuring smile she could muster. Which really couldn't have been too much. 

God, she was so nervous. Her hands were shaking and she could feel her pulse pounding in her temples. 

_I am so not equipped to handle this kind of pressure. And I’m not even testifying!_

Dean reached the stand and cleared his throat a little too loudly, unweaving his hands and dropping them to his sides awkwardly while he sat down. 

The clerk, a short, petite Asian woman who had been typing away on her computer looked up and said tonelessly, “Please stand.” Anna could practically feel Dean resisting the urge to roll his eyes. Why did they bother with manners if it was mandatory? “Raise your right hand.” Dean, looking very uncomfortable, did so, left his right hand on the Bible that the clerk was holding out in front of him. The irony of the situation, how Dean was swearing by the Bible when he had said blatantly multiple times that he didn't believe in God, would’ve been funny if well…he wasn't in court testifying for Anna’s brother. “Do you promise that the testimony you shall give in the case before this court shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

Dean’s voice, wavering, answered, “I do.”

“Please state your first and last name.”

“Um, Dean Winchester.” His voice cracked on the last syllable and Sam shifted uncomfortably in his seat. 

“You may be seated.”

Dean let out a breath and sat down, clutching his hands together again. Michael stood up and Anna saw Dean’s wide emerald eyes follow his every move. 

“Dean,” Michael started, “what is your relationship to Castiel Milton?”

“I’m his soulmate.” 

“How long had you two been together on the night of August 20th?”

“About…” Dean paused, counting in his head. “7 months.”

“Did you and Castiel have a trusting and loving relationship?”

Dean’s cheeks turned pink. He was probably not used to talking to his relationship with Cas in public. Anna feared that that would go down as lying or hesitance in the eyes of the jury. 

“Yes.”

“Where were you on the night of August 20th?” 

“With Cas at his house. It was his birthday and he wanted to celebrate it with me.” Dean grimaced at the memory.

“Was anyone else with you two in the house?”

“No.”

“Dean, did Castiel exit the house that night at around 10:30 PM in order to get pizza from Planet Pizza?”

“Yes.” Anna could see Dean relaxing a little, thinking that this wasn't too bad. He was just telling it like it had happened.

“Can you please tell the court what was going on the next time you saw your soulmate?”

Dean’s mouth twitched nervously, and he turned to address the jury. “We got a call from the police and found out what had happened to him. When we got there he…” he took a deep shaky breath, “he was crying so hard and there were bruises all over his face and collarbone. There were doctors and policemen all around the scene.”

“Has Castiel ever lied to you about something, a major event in his life perhaps, before?”

Dean’s face shifted into a frown, and his tone turned matter-of-fact. “No. Of course not.”

The prosecutor turned to the Judge and Dean visibly relaxed. “Thank you, I have no further questions.”

The Judge nodded and turned to the defense attorney. “Does the defense wish to ask any questions?”

Anna knew she was getting her hopes up too high, wishing that Luke would say no, but of course, he stood up with a confident “Yes, Your Honor” and swaggered over to Dean, who was freaking out again. 

“Mr. Winchester, Why did Castiel go to get the pizza and not you with him?” his voice was nasally and unpleasant. Than again, Anna was picking on every little thing he was doing.

Dean opened his mouth, then closed his mouth like a fish. Anna saw a bunch jurors scribble something down in their notebooks. 

_God, Dean's displaying the textbook definition of how a liar would act._

Sam made an uncomfortable face and looked over worriedly at Jess. 

“I dunno,” Dean’s voice fell flat.

Luke cocked an eyebrow. “You’re his soulmate, and you don't know?” he asked in a sly voice, and Anna absentmindedly thought that Luke was probably a nickname for Lucifer. “You never thought to ask?

Dean’s lip curled, suddenly defensive. “He looked like he didn't want to talk about it, so I didn't push it.”

“You’re under oath here, Mr. Winchester.” Luke’s voice hinted at an unspoken threat.

“I honestly don’t know!” Dean raised his voice, and Anna winced. He took a few calming deep breaths, then said once more, “I don’t know at all. All he said is that he wanted to do it alone, so I respected his wishes.” 

“Cas was going because he felt overshadowed by you, isn't that correct?” Luke cocked his head, and Anna had the urge to punch him in the face. What did he know? “Dehumanized of his strength by you?”

Michael bolt up, slamming his hand on his desk. “Objection! The witness does not have the personal knowledge to answer this question.

The Judge answered almost immediately, as if she too had been thinking the same thing, “Sustained. Redirect.”

Luke gritted his teeth, changing tactics. “Can you please describe the bruises on Castiel Milton for the Court?”

“Yeah. Um.” Dean scratched at his head. “There were a lot. Black and blue. All over his face and collarbone. 

“None on his pelvic region?”

Dean snorted. “I didn't exactly try to take his clothes off less than an hour after he was raped.”

Luke grinned, almost, and Anna felt her stomach drop. That wasn't a good sign. “Did you not say that he wanted to take a bath and you were helping him?”

“Yeah, but-”

“So he had bruises all over face, that he could've easily done to himself, but you’re claiming none on his pelvic region?”

Dean’s hands turned into fists, and clenching his jaw, almost snarled, “I have no idea if he did. The doctor took a physical exam of him though, with Kate, so he probably knows.”

“Castiel has never lied to you about a major event, has he?” 

The change of topic was abrupt, and Eric gave Anna a confused look. What? Sam’s eyes went wide. He had figured something out that they hadn’t.

Dean shifted, slightly confused about being asked this question again. He spoke in short increments. “He has. Never. Um. Yeah. That is correct.”

Jess winced. The way that came out of mouth sounded like a lie, too. Some of the jurors were giving him looks. 

“Did Castiel ever do drugs after the night of August 20th?”

Anna’s mouth went dry and Eric grabbed her arm. 

He knew. Luke knew. But _how_?

Dean glanced at Michael for a second, and cleared his throat. His voice unusually high and squeaky, he answered quietly, “Yeah, he did weed for a while after.”

Luke smiled. He full on smiled. Oh, this wasn’t going to be good.

“Did he tell you?”

Dean was silent. His big green eyes danced everywhere around the courtroom but on the defense attorney’s face. To the jury, who were all furiously taking notes, to the Judge and Michael, who were staring at him, to Kate, with her wide eyes, and finally them, all of them sitting on the bench with hearts beating a thousand beats per minute. Anna’s mom grabbed her husband’s hand. 

“Did or did not did Castiel Milton tell you about his marijuana use?

Dean’s words rung out in the court despite him saying them as quietly as he could get away with. “No. I found out by myself.”

_Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod_

“Did Castiel lie to you about his drug use?” Sam closed his eyes and Jess blinked, ghosts of tears in her eyes. Anna was wondering if it was possible to die from anxiety…or whatever this feeling was. The esteemed defense attorney continued, “Claim that everything was fine when he was in actuality smoking cannabis?”

“Yes.”

“So, in fact, Castiel _has_ lied to about a major event. Hidden it from you. Is this true?

Dean’s voice came out dull. “Yes.”

“Then I have no further questions.”

*************************************

Cas read his statement out loud to the court, which narrated exactly what had happened that night from when he had stepped out the door to the excruciating details of his rape. He described everything from thinking about how long the alley was, to the clump of blonde hair he pulled out of Agnesse’s in self defense while she was…doing it. It was hard, and he had to pause a lot of times to calm down, taking deep breaths and squeezing his eyes shut to regain some level of serene. He didn't even think about looking anywhere near Agnesse’s face, keeping his eyes trained on the paper, that was slightly shaking because of his nervous hands.

Michael questioned him after, giving him a reassuring nod-how the hell he managed to make a nod reassuring was beyond Cas’s knowledge- before beginning. It was standard stuff, asking him basically what he had already kind of confirmed in his statement, and Cas found himself relaxing. This wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. Dean had came out of there looking like a nuclear bomb had exploded, and Cas hadn't been allowed to ask what happened (some court rule). It had been his turn right after anyway. Now Dean sat in the benches next to Sam, scratching the back of his right knee. 

He was going to be okay, he reminded himself. He had nothing to hide. This was going fine. 

The last question the prosecutor asked was if he could please describe his mental state after the rape, and that’s when Cas found himself tensing up. Did they know about the marijuana? Would that effect the case? He decided to just focus on the question.

“I was in a very dark place. The rape…I…” he looks at Agnesse, who is glaring him down in that jumpsuit of hers. But this time, he’s not afraid of her. “I was a virgin, and that was a really big deal for me. And she…” Cas paused, letting his eyes wander to where they always wandered to: Dean. His voice cracked when he continued talking again, staring right at his soulmate before forcing himself to look at the jury like he had been instructed to yesterday, “….she took it. I was afraid of everything after. Blinking, touching, braids, woman strangers, you name it. It’s something that really screwed me up and it’ll never really stop haunting me from time to time.” Cas shrugged, looking down at his shoes and admitting, “No matter how much therapy I go through.”

Michael smiled at him, more with his eyes than with his mouth, then sat down with a “Thank you, I have no further questions.”

Then the defense attorney stood up.

************************

Castiel was already freaking out before Luke even started talking. His beady little eyes, desperate in catching Castiel’s supposed lie, Agnesse, glaring up at him, the whole situation, it made him want to run out of there and throw up. But he held his head high, his blunt nails digging into the palm of his hand, his heart throbbing against the cage of his chest, knowing that the only way that Agnesse was thrown in jail was if he did this. If he got through this and answered the questions and proved that what happened had happened.

“Why walk in dark alley at night to get the pizza? Why not let your soul mate come with you? It was late, around 10:30, was it not?

Cas felt the uncomfortable knot in his chest grow bigger. This was not something he wanted to talk about. 

“Yeah, it was, but I just wanted to show that I could do things by myself,” he mumbled, avoiding looking at Dean. “I dunno. To prove to myself that I wasn’t such a baby.” 

Kate’s eyes went wide. Shit. Cas had said something wrong. 

“And so you went out around midnight into a dark alley?”

“The dark alley was because there was a party and the lots were full, so I had to walk.” Cas crossed his arms, suddenly becoming defensive, “I’m not _that_ stupid.”

“Mr. Milton, you just said seconds ago that it was around 10:30 and now you’re saying midnight. Is that a hole in your story that I see?”

Cas felt himself go bright red. He was going to lose. They were going to lose. “It’s a technicality. I was thinking about how Agnesse raped me and how shitty I felt, not worrying about what time it was.”

The jury scribbled furiously into their notebooks and Cas sighed. God, he hated this. Luke’s lip curled upward in pleasure, like he was a shark and he had just gotten a whiff of the blood in the water. Cas’s blood. 

“Mr. Milton, would you describe your mental state after the supposed rape as severe?

Castiel answered with a hesitant nod. Anything that he admitted to was going to be used against him, he had figured that out in less than one minute of talking to this defense attorney. 

The Judge spoke, making Cas jump. She had the loudest voice for such a small woman, making Cas respect her and fear her all at the same time. “Mr. Milton, please give an audible answer for the court records?”

Cas wanted to punch a hold through the wall. “I mean, Yes. I would describe it as severe.”

“Did you start taking marijuana after the night of August 20th?”

Cas froze. He knew. But how?!

He shifted uncomfortably, twisting his hands together and weaving his fingers in and out. “Yes.” His voice came out rougher than he had expected.

“Did you break up with your soulmate afterwards as well?”

Cas was in the state of near hyperventilation. How did Luke know all of this? Either he was really good at guessing, or…

That’s when it hit him. Luke had read Cas’s journal. The one he had given to Kate. He had somehow gotten his hands on it and read the whole thing. 

Great. This was just great. He rubbed at his face, certain that he was going to lose, then answered dully, “Yes, I did.”

Sam’s face crumbled, being one step ahead of everyone else. Kate bit her lip, Dean was glaring at the floor, and Cas’s parents and sisters were watching with wide, wide eyes. 

Cas weighed the pros and cons of just straight up punching Luke in the face and running, while Luke continued with his questions, “You started taking drugs and broke up with your soulmate, and were in severe mental state,” he repeated for what seemed like the 1000th time in the past 2 minutes in that nasally voice of his, “yet 3 months later, you’re perfectly fine. Can you please describe to the Court your journey through that prompt process?

Cas’s scowled at Luke, not caring what the jury thought of that. Agnesse was smiling. “I’m not _perfectly fine_. I-”

“Do not deviate from the question,” cut in the defense attorney swiftly, and Cas found himself turning red again, but this time, with anger. 

“Therapy helped,” he spat out, his fingers digging almost painfully into his palm “I got back with Dean too.

Luke latched onto that, and Cas mentally cursed himself for forgetting the rules that had been pounded over and over again into his head yesterday: Don’t offer extra information, and most importantly, don’t get angry. He took a long breath. “So after you fixed yourself up, you got back with your soul mate? After a mere 3 months?”

“Yes.”

“That’s quite a speedy recovery from such a trauma, isn't it?”

Cas crossed his arms to protect himself from whatever was to come. “I suppose so,” he answered, trying to sound confident, but falling flat and sounding more faker than a voiceover on a TV commercial.

Luke gave him a look. “You were acting about your whole mental struggle to make yourself seem tougher and stronger, correct?”

“Objection!” Michael screamed, jumping up. He had probably been wanting to do something like that the whole time. This questionnaire had been skating on thin ice for a while now. “Counsel is leading the witness.”

The Judge, to Cas’s relief, replied in her booming voice, “Sustained.”

Luke’s face twisted, angry. “Mr. Milton, can you please explain to the court what your reasons were for the marijuana use?”

“To forget, mostly,” Cas answered honestly, “About my rape, about my breakup. My life was a mess. I would've never done it before.”

You weren't using it to make yourself look cooler, in a sense?”

Cas couldn’t help himself; he got angry. “No! I hid it, I hid the drugs.”

Kate put her face in her hands, and Cas knew that he had royally screwed it up.

“I have no further questions, your Honor.”

****************************

Dean was expecting for the day to be over and the case to come back to the courtroom on another day, but when he checked his watch he was surprised to realize that it had only been an hour.

This was going on way too long. His feet hurt, his back hurt, and his insides had turned into mush. Cas joined him on the bench, and Dean slipped his hand into his soulmate’s, squeezing it tightly. 

They were going to win this case. Dean was gonna make sure of that.

****************************

They called in the doctor that had been on the scene that night and had performed the physical check on Cas. He confirmed that yes, there had been bruises on his pelvic area, something that Dean took great pleasure in hearing, remembering how Luke had bothered him with that in his cross-examination. The doctor talked about the bruises Cas had had on his face, and how it was unlikely that Cas could've done that to himself (which honestly, the whole Cas put the bruises on himself was the biggest piece of baloney that Dean had ever heard) by saying some fancy doctor stuff about how bruises were formed and whatever. They even showed pictures of Cas’s bruises- only on his face- that had been taken that night. The arresting officer bought in talked about how Agnesse had even ran away to Rhode Island that very night. It seemed like the case was finally leaning on their side, but the real bomb dropped when the forensic scientist came in and Michael bought in the jacket that Cas had worn that night in a see-through ziplock bag.

“Your Honor, I would like to have this coat marked as people's exhibit number two and ask that they be admitted into evidence.”

The Judge turned to Luke. “Does the defense have any objection?”

Luke looked like he wanted to grab that bag and rip it up with his bare hands. “No, Your Honor,” he answered in a voice bordering on rage. 

“The keys will be admitted as People’s exhibit number two.”

Michael placed the bag on front of the scientist. “Mrs. Smith, have you seen this coat before?”

Caitlyn Smith, a middle aged forensic scientist who was wearing a blue dress that was way too tight for her, nodded, “Yes, I was asked to check for any DNA on the coat at my lab.”

“Did you find any DNA, Mrs. Smith?”

“Yes, I found nDNA. There was a clump of blonde hair ripped from the root inside the jacket.”

Dean was confused as ever. Was that good DNA? Bad DNA? How many types of DNA even were there? He tried to think back to his 9th grade Biology class, coming up with nothing. But then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Cas break into a smile. 

Well, it was good DNA, that was for sure. 

“Can you please explain to the court what nDNA exactly is?”

“Well, hair can only yield DNA evidence, if hair is pulled out by the root, as in some violent struggles, it will contain root pulp, which is a good source of nuclear DNA, or nDNA. nDNA is the DNA most used in forensics. With the standard 46 chromosomes and all.”

Dean let out a huff of laughter, feeling a spark of giddiness crawl up his stomach. 

“And did that DNA match that of the defendant’s?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you, I have no further questions.”

“Does the defense have any questions?” the Judge asked.

Luke was fuming. “No, your Honor.”

Jess let out a quiet squeal, leaning forward- as she and Sam were sitting on the bench behind them- kissing Cas on the cheek. Everyone in their group, even the Milton parents, smiled, teeth and all, allowing themselves to hope.

****************************

Agnesse didn’t testify. Under the Constitution, she wasn't required to, and Dean was glad she didn’t. He didn't want to have to look at her more than required.

Sam told Dean that the case was about to draw to a close, and there were butterflies going crazy in Dean’s stomach, like they were on some sort of sugar rush. The Judge read the jury instructions to the jury, which basically was her saying what the prosecution had to prove. 

“Proof beyond a reasonable doubt does not mean beyond all possible doubt,” the Judge was saying when Dean clued back in, “It means that you must consider all of the evidence and that you are very sure that the charge is true.”

The closing remarks were basically Michael and Luke getting up and summarizing what happened based on what side they were on. Michael just talked about the events of the night, the evidence with the hair and the bruises, basically what had happened, and Luke talked through his bullshit story about Cas making up the rape to seem tough and get attention, and then starting to do drugs to make himself look even more tough. Cas lied to Dean about the drugs, “showing how honest Castiel really is”, which made no sense to Dean at all, because if Cas had been using the drugs to make himself seem tough, wouldn't he have flaunted it? Apparently, when Dean broke up with him, Cas “stopped acting” cause he wanted his soulmate back, explaining Cas’s “unusually speedy recovery”.

God, Dean really wanted to punch this Luke guy in the face. 

The jury only took about 5 minutes to reach a conclusion, which, Sam told him, had to be some kind of record. Dean didn't know if this was a good sign or not. 

“Will the jury foreperson please stand? Has the jury reached a unanimous verdict?” said the Judge, asking the obvious because the jury had walked back into the room and into their seats.

A tall dark skinned man who was wearing a blue suit stood up from the mass of jurors, “Yes, your Honor.”

There was a shuffle as the clerk took the verdict form from the foreperson and handed it to the Judge. Dean was about to pass out and he was squeezing Cas’s and Anna’s hand so hard that he was sure that he was about to break a few bones there. But they were clutching back as tightly. He saw Sam and Jess Cas’s shoulders, and Eric was leaning over Anna to squeeze Cas’s knee, which would've been weird if they hadn't been in the situation that they were. Dean’s heart was in his throat and he couldn't breathe. 

“Whatever happens, Cas,” Dean whispered in his soulmate’s ear, “if it’s a yes or a no, just know that I am so proud of you.”

Cas gave him a small smile, tears in his ocean eyes. “I’m proud of us.”

The Judge read the verdict silently before handing the paper back to the clerk. 

The clerk’s voice wasn't nearly as loud as the Judge’s, or Michael’s, or Luke’s, but Dean knew that the words that she, that teensy tiny Asian woman, said were going to ring in his ears for the rest of his life. 

“The jury finds the defendant…” and Dean took in a large breath, squeezing Cas’s hand with everything he had in him, listening Jess let out a little noise at the back of her throat. There was pin drop silence in the court. 

“Guilty.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah I did SO much research for this, ya'll don’t even know. Countless episodes of Law and Order, Judge Judy (though that show didn't provide me with any useful information, it was really entertaining), Suits, and pages and pages and pages of court websites, mock trails, articles about rape in court, so many others that I can’t even count. This chapter was the most fun to write because I love court stories, and…yeah! It’s SUPER long, but then again this is the climax of Tick Tock. Hope ya’ll enjoyed that :)
> 
> Please please please comment and review, I worked super super hard on this chapter (so. much. research. pretty sure I spent more time doing that then actually writing the thing) and would really love to know what y’all think about it! :)
> 
> P.S. If any of y'all have any questions about the court procedures or what's going on or what a person's duty is or anything, although I'm sure I made everything really clear, don't be afraid to ask. I pretty much have a PHD on court procedures by now.


	39. December 3rd, 8:25:02 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES OKAY I KNOW I STOLE A LINE FROM HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER AND PUT IT THIS CHAPTER JUST BEAR WITH ME OKAY IT WAS A GOOD LINE.
> 
> Also, I'm sorry if you wanted smut. I've said before that I don't write smut. Sorry, it's just a personal thing. I hope that's fine though, but then again, there's more to life than just sex.

There was a chorus of cheers as Dean expertly popped open the bottle of champagne, spilling some on the floor of The Roadhouse and earning a look from Ellen, who Cas had learned ran the bar they were currently at, and was the wife of Bobby. 

Cas didn't have much time to worry about the mess though, because Sam and Jess were already helping Jo, Ellen and Bobby’s daughter, clean up and then suddenly, Dean was kissing him. 

He heard the click of Anna’s Polaroid and the world melted away; The kiss was soft and gentle and chaste and this time there were no fireworks or sparks, but something better – a wave of warmth that filled him up, spilling out from his heart and the warmth of Dean’s lips on his and rushing to every corner of his body: the cracks in between his toes, the crooks of his elbows, the tips of his ears. Every inch of him is saturated with love.

Dean was the first one to pull back, both catching theirs breaths as they grinned at each other. Cas held his soulmate’s face in his hands. “Dean,” he breathed, “I-”

“Okay, okay, you all need to settle down.” Ellen scolded, and the whole group rushed to find a seat at the counter. Dean sighed, grabbing Cas’s hand and finding two seats for the both of them next to Sam and Jess. “I made dinner for all you hooligans, because ya’ll need to eat something instead of chugging down drinks.” There was a collective groan, and Ellen let out a smile, ruffling Dean’s hair while she set down plates of burgers. Cas liked her immediately. 

They ate, laughing and talking and poking fun at each other throughout. Somewhere to the right, Jo complained about too many tomatoes on her burgers and Eric accidentally poured 10 times more ketchup than needed onto his plate, causing Anna to snort out in laughter. Sam was wiping off Jess’s mustard mustache with his thumb, and Dean was telling Ellen stories about Bobby at work enthusiastically with a deep voice and a fake mustache he made by holding up his index finger below his nose.The (insanely bad) impersonation was setting Ellen into a laughing fit, almost hunched over and holding her stomach. 

It was perfect. 

“Alright guys!” Anna yelled out, holding up her beer, rather tipsy, “I have something to say!”

“When _don’t_ you have something to say?” Dean asked, earning laughter and a (slightly off) eye roll from Anna. 

“Let her speak, guys,” Cas said, knowing from previous experience that Anna would get out what she had to say no matter what, and everyone went quiet. 

“Okay! So! I just wanted to say that I am so _proud_ of my baby brother-”

“You are _literally_ two minutes older than me!”

“For recovering and staying strong, stronger than anybody I know, and…and…for kicking ass out there in catching Agnesse and testifying…and….” Anna drifted off, out of words, “Yeah!” She finished, thrusting a fist into the air, “To Cas!”

There was a chorus of kind of cheesy but nice nonetheless “To Cas!’s”, making the blue eyed boy blush crimson and Dean kiss him on the cheek, beaming. 

Dean dragged his lips down to Cas’s ear, making him squirm. There was a warm hand on Cas’s upper back and Dean’s voice was rough as he spoke. _Whew_. 

“Listen I know you’re kinda the guest of honor here but uh…” Dean cleared his throat, and Cas was very much aware of Dean’s hand slowly making its way to his tailbone, “why don’t we get out of here as soon as we can, huh?”

Cas felt giddy, finding weird pleasure in the way Dean was treating this like some kind of one night stand…thing. Feeling bold, he smirked, looking at his soul mate under his eyelashes and ignoring how this was his first time trying to flirt and he had no idea what the hell he was doing. That and the fact that he was in public, sitting right next to his sister. He forgot all of that, because honestly?

He didn't care. 

**********************

It was a mad frenzy to get home, Dean getting up too quickly and announcing to everyone with his wide green eyes that they had “a thing that they really needed to get to” before dashing off, hand in hand. They probably all knew what was going on, judging by the looks they gave each other. 

Cas felt crazy as Dean pushed him against the door of his apartment, nosing at his collarbone whilst frantically trying to work open the door-which was literally a doorknob-making Cas groan out in anticipation and open it forcefully.

They walked backwards, Cas taking the lead. Drunk on endorphins and hungrily kissing Dean, Cas’s back hit a wall, and he realized that they had made his way into his bedroom. His brain lit on fire and the warmth spread throughout his entire body.

Woah. This was happening. 

He didn’t know who turned on the switch, but light was flooding into the room, and suddenly he was being pushed onto the bed and Dean was kissing him like his life depended on it. He opened his mouth to let out a low moan, making Dean grunt in pleasure. Dean pulled back, straddling him with his pupils dilated. He raised his eyebrows, his hair sticking up like Cas’s on a normal day. Cas knew that he was asking for permission. 

He nodded, expecting Dean to lunge forward. 

Instead, Dean got off Cas and walked out of the room.

Wait. 

What.

“Um,” Cas said, confused, his voice raspy. He cleared his throat. That had clearly been a nod, right? Had Dean gotten the wrong message? Cas pushed himself up with his elbows, patting down his hair, trying to tame it, and stared at the door. “Dean?” He felt lightheaded as he smoothed down his shirt, crumbled up and a complete mess. “What just happened?”

Dean’s face suddenly appeared back in the doorway. “Hey!” he said a little breathlessly, his bright eyes shining and shirt already half off. “Sorry, I had to just….” he trailed off, waving a condom around in the air in his right hand that Cas hadn't noticed before. 

Cas turned bright red. Oh God. This was _really_ happening.

“Um,” he said for what seemed like the second time in 3 seconds. “Okay.” 

Dean grinned, resuming his position from before and kissing Cas behind the ear. “You alright?”

He nodded. “I’m fine. I’ve done this before, remember?” He stopped, cursing himself for not thinking about anything that came out of his mouth, but Dean just nodded. 

“Yeah. I remember.” There was a pause as Dean leaned in closer, mapping out Cas’s chest with his wide open palms. He broke into a grin. “I may not be your first, but right now I’m preparing myself to be your last.”

Cas laughed, kissing Dean once more. “That was so cheesy.”

“Hey, hey,” Dean argued playfully, starting to unbutton Cas’s shirt. “Says the guy who quotes poetry every so often.”

“Touché” 

Cas knew that the mood they had before was broken, that passionate one where if they had kept at it a few clothes would have been ripped off, but that was okay. This one was just fine too. This way it would be slower, more thoughtful. He hummed tunelessly, kissing Dean’s nose as his soulmate finished unbuttoning the last button on his shirt. Dean helped him take it off, throwing the dress shirt on the floor. Cas felt warm bare hands on his chest, and he sighed in pleasure. 

“Hey Dean?” he mumbled.

“Hmmm?”

Cas ran his fingers through Dean’s hair, and Dean smiled at him. God, he looked so _beautiful_. Before, Cas had never thought it possible for a man to be beautiful, but here was Dean. With his sparkling green eyes and his freckles and his _marvelous_ jawline that Cas spent way too much time admiring. 

“How come we need a condom? It’s not like any of is going to get pregnant.”

Dean chuckled, leaning his face towards Cas’s touch. “This is for other things, angels.”

“What other things?”

Dean laughed again, and Cas was utterly perplexed, but all was forgotten when Dean leaned down towards his neck. Cas felt a hot breath on his neck, then the tender brush of lips, burning as they made contact with him. A hand ran down his hair as the kisses become more harder and more urgent, and Cas drew out a moan. He _had_ done this before, yes, but nothing like _this_. This was more sensual, more intimate than anything he had ever done. 

Another hand sliced around Cas’s waist, pulling him close to Dean’s peppermint and gasoline scented body. Cas’s hands started roaming with a mind of their own; They fell down his soulmate’s back as his head swam, all previous thoughts stopped in their tracks. 

He helped Dean out of his shirt, pulling it over his head. Cas was pretty sure that his neck was going to be covered in hickeys tomorrow, and they were going to be a bitch to cover up. Ahh well, it was December. Scarves covered everything. 

Dean flipped them over, Cas ending up on top, and handed him the condom. “You wanna?” he asked, barely coherent. 

Woah. _Woah_. 

He nodded. Hell yeah he “wanna”.

Dean kissed him again, a soft, tender kiss this time. 

“Good,” he said breathlessly, huffing out a laugh, “now take your pants off, angel.”

That was the second time in his life that he had heard that phrase. The first time he had been pressed up against a wall, and the person who had said that had been a woman who terrified him and had quite literally scarred him for the rest of his life. Cas knew that he hadn't been the same, that he would never be the same than he was before that horrible moment. And that was okay. Because right now, he was in bed with his soulmate, who was saying the same words to him with nothing but adoration and love in his eyes, and things couldn't be better. 

“Dean, you are the love of my life,” he found himself saying unexpectedly, and Dean blinked, a little surprised, before breaking out another one of his smiles, his eyes crinkling up in the way that Cas loved. “Everything I have, and everything I am, is yours. Forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as I hate typing this, Tick Tock is going to be drawing to a close. There are going to be a few chapters left and that's going to...be it. The End. So...just wanted to let you guys know. Just a few more Mondays. 
> 
> However, I promise I will continue writing on here. I will continue writing forever (of course), but I'll be writing on AO3 for a very very long time. It just won't be Tick Tock. 
> 
> Yeah.


	40. December 10th, 10:48:52 PM

“Come on angel,” Dean rubbed Cas’s shoulders as he stood behind the chair Cas was sitting in, “it’s late. Come to bed.”

He was pretty sure that his soulmate was on the verge on insanity, hunching over his desk constantly, with notes and textbooks spread all over. Hell, Dean was pretty sure that he had heard Cas mutter facts about macromolecules in his sleep-when he _did_ sleep. He barely ate, ran purely off of caffeine, and got about 4 hours of shuteye a day. 

Finals week _sucked_ , and Dean wasn't even the one taking the finals.

Cas mumbled something unintelligible, furiously writing something down on an already crammed notecard. Dean had no idea how the hell Cas could even read what he was writing. 

He sighed, massaging his soulmate’s temples. “Come on, you’ve been studying _forever_.”

“I’ve only been studying for a week, Dean,” Cas groaned. “I got so caught up in the case that I didn’t have time to….” he trailed off, muttering something under his breath and flipping through a green textbook with a picture of an owl on the cover (which, what the hell did that have to do with Calculus?).

Dean bent down, kissing the spot below Cas’s ear that he knew was his weak spot. Sure enough, Cas let out a soft sigh of pleasure. He bent his neck, working his way down to the Milton’s collarbone, pressing wet kisses, until Cas groaned, letting out a faint whine. 

“Deaaaaannnn.”

“Come to bed.”

Cas huffed, reaching out for his soulmate’s hand and clasping it tightly. “Literally stab me in the eye, it would hurt less than this.”

Dean chuckled, nosing at Cas’s throat. 

“Yanno, when I was a freshmen in Briggs, some the upperclassmen used to tell me to try and get hit by the university vehicles because then we would get free tuition if we did.”

“You college kids are crazy,” Dean laughed.

“Mmmhmm,” Cas agreed, leaning back in his chair and pressing his cheek to Dean’s. “Very true.” He let out a colossal yawn, out that showed evidence of the minimal sleep he had been getting in the past week, making his eyes water and Dean yawn as well next to him. 

“Cas. Come on. Shouldn't you get some sleep today? Finals week starts tomorrow, so like, good night sleep, healthy breakfast, all that jazz. Right?”

Cas grumbled, _finally_ standing up from his desk for what seemed like a year. Dean enveloped him into a hug, sighing contently as Cas dug his face into his shoulder. “I feel like this is the first time I’ve seen your face. S’always buried in a damn book.”

“I promise you, Dean, then when finals are over, we’ll barricade ourselves in the bedroom of my apartment and not come out until one of us dies or runs out of food.”

“No clothes required,” Dean added, waggling his eyebrows.

Cas snorted, hitting Dean’s shoulder lightly before walking towards the door, grabbing his pajamas off the hook and going into the bathroom. “You perv.”

Dean claimed he didn't like it when Cas wore his pajamas to bed, he would rather him in just a pair of shorts like when they slept in the summer, but really, he liked it when Cas wore them. They made him soft and smell like lavender and something else wonderful that Dean couldn't quite place a name on. He loved burying his face into Cas’s chest at night when he wore them, inhaling him in, when Cas smiled that smile he smiled when Dean did so, like they were the only two people in the world. When Cas ran his hands through Dean’s hair, always there, always next to him, constantly reminding him with just his presence that he was not alone. Not anymore. Not like before, where John was always gone and he had to raise Sam by himself, always worrying about mortgage and food and getting evicted rather than making friends with anyone, even his own brother. 

Dean was safe with the knowledge, for the first time in his life, that he would never be alone again. 

Which was why he wanted to ask Cas to move in with him, and he turned the key to the apartment he had bought over 2 stories above the one Cas currently lived in over and over in his pocket, wondering what time would be the right time. Maybe after finals, when Cas was in a good mood? Or now, when he needed something to brighten his day? Or when-

“Hey, you.” Cas reappeared as he opened the door to the bathroom, smiling at him softly, and Dean shoved the key deeper into his pocket. “Changed?”

“Uh…” he looked down at himself, his ratty jeans and Cas’s old Briggs sweatshirt and shrugged. “Yeah, I guess. I’ll just sleep in these.”

Cas handed him the toothbrush that he used whenever he stayed over. “I’ll look for something more comfortable while you brush.”

Dean nodded, going into the bathroom and applying the paste on his brush. Should he ask now? Cas _was_ muttering under his breath about how he had told Dean to keep a pair of pajamas at his apartment for whenever he stayed over, and wow why was he freaking out so much? It wasn't like he was proposing or anything. 

_God, Dean, man up._

Ignoring the fact that that simple thought would've made Anna the feminist upset, he stuck his brush into his mouth more forcefully than necessary, trying to make the words stop from spilling out. He needed to think about this. 

“Okay, Dean, you can wear my old flannel bottoms, but it’s going to be hard to find a shirt for you since most of them are in the wash….”

He nodded, continuing to brush and working up to a lather. 

“Would you be okay with wearing my-wait no, they don’t fit me anymore, sorry….wait, do they? Hold on, I think-”

“Bive bid meh.”

Cas stopped, standing up from where he was rummaging in his drawers to frown at Dean.

“What?”

Well, shit. There went thinking about it. Dean spit, rinsing his mouth and wiping it with a towel before clarifying. “Live with me.”

Cas blinked, still confused. “Wait, what?”

Oh. Wait. Shit. What if Cas didn't _want_ to?

“I mean. Move in with me. Or. Um.” Dean felt himself going red. “I bought an apartment two stories above this one. It’s way bigger. I bought it for us. I was thinking-”

“Wait,” Cas cut him off, “you already bought an apartment for us?”

“Uh, yeah,” he stammered out.

Cas knit his eyebrows together. “What would you have done if I said no?”

“I wasn’t….really thinking that far.”

The Milton let out a laugh, and Dean’s face turned even redder. Oh, joy. 

“Let me see it.” he walked up to Dean, holding his hand out. “The key.”

Dean sighed, grabbing it from his pocket and handing it to his soul mate. Cas inspected it with his nose all scrunched up, holding it up to the light, as if it was money and he was checking to see if it was real. 

“I just thought, well, it would be practical, right?” Dean felt his heart racing. “I mean, I practically live here anyway. I’ve got my own mug and spot on the dining table, and a toothbrush and…more stuff that I can’t remember cause I’m really nervous right now and my mind is blanking out.”

Cas smiled at him, those brilliant blue eyes shining. “You done?”

“Yeah. No. Literally 3/4ths of my clothes are here in your closet, and even though I always forget to bring my own pajamas, you always give me your own. And even though your damn cat makes me sneeze, I just…I hate being at my house by myself, because Sam is away and I’m so used to sleeping next to you and you always being _there_ , yanno, and I’m just like, kinda, I guess, um, I want to be with you all the time. And live with you instead of having to go back and forth, since- _ooft_ ”

He’s (rudely) cut off from his rambling with a sudden hard press of lips over his own, and Dean sighs into the kiss and Cas pulled him closer, closer, impossibly closer, creeping his hands under his shirt through his back slowly, making him shiver. When Dean finally pulls away, they both have to catch their breath, holding on to each other like their life depends upon it. 

“Well,” Dean breathed, unsure of what to say. 

Cas smiled at him. “Well.”

**December 15th, 9:53:07 PM**

They moved in after Cas’s finals, about a week before Christmas. Dean opened the apartment door, swinging it open with his knee, hands full with boxes piled high.

He stopped before entering, making Cas bump into him from behind, boxes stacked just as high in his arms. 

“Well? What’re you waiting for?”

“I feel like I should carry you in, or something.”

Anna yelled out from behind Cas. “If you do, I’ll kill you both. These boxes are freaking _heavy_!” Cas chuckled, nudging Dean, so he went inside, setting the contents down on the floor and helping Anna with hers. 

Eric sighed, pretending to wipe sweat from his brow, and Sam went straight for the beer after setting down the last box, ignoring Anna, who called out that they needed to save those for the celebration later that night. 

Jess made a face, staring at the _zillions_ of boxes. “What even are in these things? How can y'all have so many boxes?”

Dean shook his head. “Those damn books.”

“Hey, don’t damn those works of art,” scolded Cas as he picked up Shiba, setting her on his lap. “They have feelings, too.” The ginger cat purred affectionately as she rubbed herself all over Cas, and Dean felt a little sorry for her, who had to be out of the room whenever Dean was there, which was going to be all the time now that they lived together. 

Wow, they were actually going to _live together_. This apartment that Dean had bought with what little money he could afford to spend, it was going to be theirs. Soon enough, this house was going to be a home, filled with all kinds of stuff that Cas and him would pick out together. Dean had never had a real home before. Just smelly motels and the dump he had lived in before. The closest he had gotten to one had been his car, which when he thought about it, sounded borderline creepy to an outsider. 

“Okay,” Eric said, snapping Dean out of his musings, “no offense or anything, but, how the hell did you even _afford_ this apartment? It’s huge!”

“I put away a little of Sam’s grad school money for it. Sorry, Sammy.”

Sam smiled from where he was sipping his beer. “For a good cause. At least you didn't spend it on something like _food_. God forbid you actually take care of yourself once in a while instead of constantly worrying about me.”

“Hey, it’s my job to worry about my pain in the ass little brother.”

Dean was still working at the garage, and Sam was still tutoring and working odd jobs to save up money for Sam’s grad school. They didn't have much yet, and sometimes Dean thought about how different it would be if John hadn't walked away with the money they had been saving for years so long ago, but the past was in the past. Nothing he could do about it. Besides, they had time; It would be 4 years before his little brother would be off to grad school. Cas and Anna had started working part time jobs in their cousin Gabriel’s candy shop, more out of boredom than need, and helped by chipping in a fourth of their earnings for Sam every month, something that annoyed Dean at first. The Winchesters could handle it by themselves because it was their problem, he’d said, but Anna had conveyed both the Milton twins’ feelings correctly by telling Dean to “shove that pride up your ass, because your problem is Cas’s problem, and Cas’s problem is my problem.”

It still bothered him a little, whenever he accepted the money from Anna and Cas and put it into the bank account. He wasn't used to someone helping that much, caring that much, and his first instinct was to push away, refuse help, get angry. He suppressed it as much as he could. Old habits die hard. 

But money began piling up quicker than ever, and Dean let himself forget about all that as he watched the numbers rise rapidly. It was okay. It was going to be okay. He had friends, he had people who cared about him, who loved him. 

And now he was going to be living with one of the people he loved most in the world. 

But the best part, the most important part, the one that really mattered, was that Dean knew that his mom would be proud of him. And wasn’t that what he had really wanted his whole life anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only 2 more chapters/weeks left...!!!


	41. January 19th, 8:25:19 AM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for Vikti, who’s birthday was yesterday! I guarantee y'all that this fic would not be here if it wasn't for her (no joke, no exaggeration, I'm dead serious) so ya! Wish her a happy birthday in the comments if you get the time or whatever, and I just want to thank her for all that she’s done :)

“Cas. Cas. Cas!” Dean shook his soulmate roughly from where he was engulfed into a pile of blankets. “Come on angel. Wake up wake up wake up!”

Cas groaned in his sleep, rolling over and letting the blankets wrap themselves over him like a burrito. “Suck my ass.”

“You say such sweet things,” he retorted, smiling a toothy smile. Cas huffed, dipping his head down so only his wild hair was sticking out. 

“Dean,” Cas groaned, the blanket muffling his voice, “it’s ass-o-crack in the morning.”

“It’s 8:30.”

“Exactly.”

Dean sighed, giving up on shaking Cas and instead resorted to lying down on the bed next to him, slipping his leg in between (what he thought were) Cas’s. Cas hummed contently, leaning back more into Dean. 

“I can’t believe you’re the little spoon in this situation,” Dean teased.

“Okay, but always remember who’s always on top when we-”

Dean kneed him gently on the tailbone with his other leg, making Cas laugh. “Come on, angel, I have like a whole day planned.”

Cas made a sound somewhere in his throat. “You’re such a romantic, you manly man man, you.” He unrolled himself from the confinements on the blanket, letting Dean pull closer and drop his lips to his throat.

“I just want today to be special,” Dean explained, feeling himself turn red nonetheless. 

“I get that it’s our one year anniversary,” sighed Cas, turning around to face his soulmate, “but can we just lay here in bed all day?”

“No,” Dean said firmly, pulling at his elbow. “Come on. Let’s have a quick breakfast then go to the park.” He paused, propping himself up when he didn't get a reply. “Remember? Remember that one park we went to that day of I went to the hospital? Let’s go again. It was fun.”

Cas smiled lazily, stretching and opening his eyes to squint at Dean. “Okay, let me just grab my tan trench coat so I can look less of a pedophile.” Dean sighed, sitting up on the bed to try to get Cas to do the same. “Also, can you grab the white van, darling? I just want to assure the moms there that we’re not there to stare at their children.”

“Cas!”

“Okay, okay,” grumbled Cas, sitting up slowly, and Dean chuckled as he rubbed his back. “Let’s eat then go stare at children.”

“We’re not staring at children, Cas, we’re-”

He was cut off with a soft press of lips and a tangle of arms around his chest, which was rude, but Dean had had worse things happen to him then the faint scratch of stubble and the feel of Cas all around him, enclosing him in with warmth and happiness.

 

**

January 19th, 3:02:24 PM

**

 

“I just realized that this is kind of becoming like Central Perk for us,” Dean stated, sipping his coffee and looking around the coffeeshop where they had met for the first time. “We come here a lot.”

Cas just nodded absentmindedly, staring thoughtfully at his coffee that was all prepped up with cream and sugar and other fancy shit. His face was pale, and he was fiddling with something in his pocket, but what worried Dean the most was that he wasn't retorting that they had been here a grand total of 5 times. Cas never passed up a chance to tease him. 

“Hey buddy? You alright?” Dean asked, knitting his eyebrows together. “You haven't said much since the park.” 

Cas blinked too hard, as if startling out of a trance. Dean relaxed; maybe this was just another one of his spacing out moments. 

“What? I mean…” Cas frowned, staring at his coffee that was already starting to turn cold, “Yeah. I’m fine, sorry. Just thinking.”

“About?”

He shook his head. “Nothing. Just…something in school.”

Dean frowned, not convinced. “You sure? You know you can talk to about anything.” Cas always told him everything.

“I know. It’s nothing.”

“I mean-”

“Drop it, Dean!” Cas snapped, and Dean jumped. 

Oh God. What if Cas wanted to break up? What if he had finally realized that Dean wasn't anywhere near worthy of him? What if he didn't need him anymore?

There was a stretch of silence as Dean freaked out, brewing up terrible scenarios where Cas was secretly working for the King of Hell or had been possessed by someone. Or, more realistically, maybe he had found someone else, maybe someone way better than Dean who could cook and take better care of him than the Winchester could ever do. Maybe-

He felt a warm hand on his, fingers threading into the gaps between his fingers. “I’m sorry,” Cas said sincerely, his big too blue eyes that always seemed to stare into your soul and know exactly what you were thinking looking at him unblinking. “I didn't mean to yell at you.”

Dean shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “It’s okay.” He squeezed his soulmate’s hand tighter, feeling a little silly for thinking all those things before. Cas wouldn't do any of those, right?

Cas smiled that brilliant smile of his, the one that only seemed to come out whenever he was around Dean. “Do you want to go play laser tag and terrorize little kids?” 

And just like that, it was all better. Dean grinned. “How did I get so lucky?”

Cas laughed. “I guess I have _very_ low standards.” 

It wasn’t until Dean was shooting some 10 year old in the darkened arena when he realized that Cas had never told him what was wrong.

 

**

January 19th, 7:09:44 PM

**

 

The two beer bottles clinked as Dean slid one across to Cas like top secret papers in a spy movie. 

“Dean, I’m pretty sure that half the people here drinking are like, 17.” Cas scoffed, accepting the beer, his hands disturbing condensation on the bottle, “No one cares that I’m a year underage. Chill.”

Dean grinned goofily. “I know, it just makes me feel cool.”

Cas leaned forward and kissed him softly on the cheek just below his ear, making him flush and his stomach tingle. Trying to undo the top button, Dean tugged at his soul mate’s collar and Cas squirmed.

“Dean,” he protested, his voice rough, “not here.” 

“Mmmm,” the Winchester bent his head to press his forehead against Cas’s throat.

Cas pushed Dean away with the palm of his hand gently. “People are looking.”

He obliged, trying not to push it, and looked shyly at his lap. Something about Cas just did things to him, things he would've never dared to think about doing were now things he did on a day to day basis. PDA without any promise of a good old roll in the hay later on, playing laser tag with a bunch of little kids, hell, even staying in a long term dedicated relationship with a man was something that he would've laughed at about a year ago. 

“I love you,” he said. 

“You say that everyday,” Cas laughed.

He shrugged, stating the obvious when he replied, “I love you everyday,” but when the words left his mouth, Cas was giving him that strange look again, except this time it was softer, somehow, nicer, and he had the kind of look in his eyes that no one knew anything but them. 

People around them chattered on, and a woman sitting behind them laughed too loudly for it to be genuine, probably wanting to make her date to like her. A sad middle aged man sat and ate his burger in the table in from of them, juice dripping down on his chin. A young couple who couldn't have been more than just high school sophomores made out across from them, sauce getting on the front of the girl’s extremely low cut top. The world went on. 

But right there, right then, as Dean smiled at Cas who still had that look on his face, and Cas smiled the tiniest smile back, it was almost like they were the only two people in the world. 

 

**

January 19th, 9:42:16 PM

**

All the times that they had done it- which was a lot, to say the least- Dean had never topped. He supposed it was because Cas always wanted to be the one in control, not feel exposed and vulnerable, not bring back bad memories of his rape. And that was okay, Dean didn’t mind at all. He trusted Cas entirely and knew that he would be ready when he was ready. Best not to push it. 

That night, his soulmate was giving him all the cues to go ahead, so Dean asked Cas if he wanted him to top just to be 100% clear. Cas said yes. 

They took it slow that night, dragged out touches and quiet whispers, soft kisses and faint gasps. Dean did everything to make sure that his soulmate was comfortable, constantly asking if he was okay and stroking his soft, dark hair. Over and over again, Cas said yes. 

And when they were done, when they were curled up around each other, Dean rolled over and asked Cas to marry him. This time, Cas didn't say yes. He just smiled and walked over to his clothes on the floor, grabbing something out of his pocket and giving it to Dean. 

It was a ring. A simple one, nothing too special, just like Cas knew that Dean would like, but a ring nonetheless. He had been planning to propose tonight, but Dean had beat him to it.

This time, they both said yes. 

They got married exactly a year later, on their second anniversary. It was a simple affair, with snow covering the ground like a soft white blanket and only their closest friends and family members attending. Just Cas’s parents, Anna and Eric, Sam and Jess, the Singers, and Kate. Mr. Milton snapped pictures, and their first dance was to the song that they had danced to when they had gone to Lawrence, Tom Odell’s Grow Old With Me, although they didn't have a band, so the guests just sang the song together. They both walked down the aisle, Dean first, led by Sam (which was kind of embarrassing, but hey, whatever), then Cas, because he had lost the bet that he couldn't go a day without making a sarcastic comment. The ring bearer was Eric, because hey, why not, and Dean had refused to get a drag queen to do it like Cas had insisted. Everyone cried, and although Dean would never have admitted it in the future, he shed more than a tear or two when he saw Cas walking down the aisle, bright and shining, looking up at Dean like he was the only thing that mattered in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Is it cliche to get them married at the end?  
> Yes. 
> 
>  
> 
> -Do I care?  
> No. It’s cute as hell.
> 
>  
> 
> -Who actually walks down the aisle at gay weddings?  
> I asked my friend and he said that they both race down the aisle and whoever gets there first gets to be on top. I decided that they would both do it, but the last one would be the most undesirable place (at least, for Dean and Cas). In real life, you can do it however you want. It’s your wedding. 
> 
>  
> 
> -One more chapter. I’m going to need 2 weeks for the conclusion, so next and last chapter will be on the 13th of April. 
> 
>  
> 
> -Wow, I just realized that that’s the last time I’m going to tell y'all what day I’m going to update next.
> 
> UPDATE:  
> Hey guys, so I won't be able to post on April 13th, since I've been unbelievable busy this past two weeks (literally have had no time I breathe) and since I'm not close to finishing and although I CAN power through and finish it, I don't want it to be rushed the slightest since it is the last chapter. I'll try to update as soon as I'm done, I promise :)


	42. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "long live  
> the walls we crashed through  
> i had the time of my life  
> fighting dragons with you"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Wow. It hasn't really sunk in that this is the last chapter, that Tick Tock is over after a long 9 months and I won’t be visiting this universe ever again. Perhaps I’ll write a timestamp or two. Maybe I won’t. But I know this:
> 
> This story has been the most incredible journey for me, and while I apologize it took me so long to get this last chapter out, I’m glad I took my time on it because I wanted to relish in the characters and the story for just a little more. I honestly have no words for what I feel, just know that I am crying immensely while writing this and there will be this weird hollow feeling in my chest for the next couple of weeks because I will forget and sit down to write the next chapter and realize that there’s nothing else to write. This story is over, but my gratitude to everyone involved never will be. Every single one of you, who read it, who left kudos, who wrote comments, who corrected me on things and fangirled with me and interacted with me, I thank you with the bottom of my heart. I never, in a thousand years, could've imagined that I would get so much support and love for this story. I will especially like to thank Vikti, because, well, she knows why. Without her, this story would not be made.
> 
> If anyone has ever been offended by anything that I’ve wrote, I apologize, and please know that it was not my intention to harm anyone in any way. 
> 
> Don’t be afraid to come and talk to me on my [tumblr](superwholockeddestiel.tumblr.com) Thank you.

### 10 years later: December 24th, 5:10:23 PM

Today was the day. 

Anna and her family were finally coming home for the holidays, and they were going to see them at the Christmas party that night that Sam and Jess had hosted at their home. Only a few more hours to go, and Cas was buzzing with excitement. So much, however, that he wouldn't let Dean rest in peace. 

“Dean.”

“Shut up, Cas,” snapped Dean, rolling over and pulling the covers towards him. 

He felt a bony finger poke the back of his exposed neck.

“Dean.”

“What?” Dean sighed, turning back around to face Cas, almost bumping noses with him because the bed they were sharing wasn't really all that big and Dean’s soulmate had the tendency to always hog the space. 

Cas’s eyes were staring intently at Dean, and it was obvious that he was wide wide awake. Dean sighed again. “What?”

“I was just wondering,” said Cas slowly, thoughtful, “why does Goofy stand up while Pluto remains on all fours?”

Dean grabbed his own pillow and smacked Cas with it. “I swear to God, one more stupid question from you and-”

“I mean, they’re both dogs!”

“Oh my _God_!” the Winchester yelled, shoving Cas, and Cas shoved back, and that’s when they ended up in a scuffle of sorts. Dean wasn't quite sure what was going on, but he was very much aware of a fistful of Cas’s shirt in his fist and Cas thrashing his legs this way and that and went on and on and on and on, sweaty bodies and hissed cursed words and Dean blowing a raspberry in Cas’s face when suddenly it all just stopped, a loud thump on the floor ending it all. Dean peered over at Cas’s side of the bed when he finally regained his senses, frowning when he failed to see his soulmate. He sat up, looking around. 

“Uh…Cas?”

The reply came from on the floor, judging by how muffled it was by probably being squished into the carpet. “I’m down here, asshole,” Cas snapped, Dean’s line of sight being interrupted by the bed. 

Dean laughed as a very disgruntled Cas reappeared, crawling back into the bed beside him. 

“Bastard.”

“Pain in the ass,” Dean shot back, still laughing as he scooted over to make room. “But then again, that’s why I love you.”

He got a smack on his elbow and the rumble of never-the-less laughter. Cas rested his chin on Dean’s head, wrapping his arms around his waist and sighed contently, running his fingers through the green eyed boy’s hair. 

“You’re the one who suggested to take a nap for the party this afternoon anyway,” Dean reminded, “so we wouldn't be tired when we stayed up till like…5, cause we haven't seen Anna and Eric and the kids in _forever_.”

“Sleep and wakefulness are human constructions and aren't real,” Cas deadpanned, and Dean mentally rolled his eyes, used to his husband’s random existential crises that were usually used as an excuse for something. “I am less than a speck in the entire known universe and all of time. Time is a construct of humans. We are all going to die." 

“Yeah, yeah, shut up.”

Shiba meowed from where she was at their feet, and Dean chuckled, getting up to pet her as she rubbed herself all over the couple’s legs. She had gotten fat over the years, big and plump, and it was a surprise that she was still living, as old as she was. Eric had given Dean the pills so he would be immune to his unfortunate Shiba allergy at their wedding, and now, Dean could treat her like he had always wanted to when Cas had first got her. He picked her up as he lay back down next to Cas, and after some walking around, chose Cas’s right thigh as her prime spot for sitting and plopped down. Dean grinned the fat orange ball of fur that he had grown fond to over the years. 

“Plopping down on Mommy’s thigh isn't going to get him to give you any more food, Shiba,” said Cas, and Dean rolled his eyes, moving closer to Cas and burying his face into his soulmate’s chest. 

“For the last time, Cas, you are not her mother.”

“Well excuse me if I-”

“Tell me a story.” Dean interrupted.

“What?” Cas shifted, moving the Winchester along with him and causing Shiba to growl, annoyed. 

“Tell me a story,” Dean repeated, turning so his head, rather than his face, rested on Cas’s chest. “So I can go to sleep. I always make up stories when you can’t sleep. Knocks you right out.” 

“Fair enough,” he gave in, tightening his grip on Dean and sighing, thinking as he continued to card his fingers through his soulmate’s hair. “Okay,” he said after a few minutes, “I got one.”

Dean smiled, moving to get more comfortable and closing his eyes. “Go on.”

“Once upon a time-”

“Should you really start it off with that?” Dean’s eyes flew open. “I feel like-”

“I’m telling the story,” came the reply, and Dean shrugged.

“Fine.”

“Once upon a time,” he continued, “in a land far far away, there was a 19 year old named Castiel.”

Dean smirked. “That’s a stupid name.”

“You were named after your grandmother, Deanna,” Cas pointed out, “and shut up or I won’t tell you the story.”

“Touchy,” teased Dean as he brushed his fingers lightly over Cas’s stomach, realizing that Cas was wearing his old band shirt as he smoothed out the wrinkles.

“And this Castiel, he went to college and read books everyday and loved his family and was a good little religious boy. But then, he met his soulmate, right, this 21 year old boy named Dean.”

“Dean sounds hot,” he mused, and Cas laughed as he bent down to kiss his hair. 

“He was,” Cas agreed sleepily, “Anyway, Castiel suddenly found himself renamed Cas and was throwing himself in front of abusive fathers and receiving books called _The Joys of Gay Sex_ and falling deeper and deeper in love with his asshole of a soulmate.”

“Hey!”

Cas kept on talking like he had never been interrupted, “Before he knew it, he was making out in the backseat of cars for hours and singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of his lungs in ice cream parlors or laughing until he felt like his lungs would burst at the most stupid things.”

Dean yawned, creeping his hand up to intertwine his fingers into Cas’s. He felt Shiba crawl down his left leg, resting at their feet. 

“Things happened, though, as they always do. Bad things.” Cas’s voice grew softer and Dean kissed each and every single on of his angel’s fingers that were pressed into his gently. “Castiel’s sister got into a car accident that was caused by his soulmate’s father, and he didn't think his sister was going to make it. And then Castiel was taken advantage of by a woman who didn't have her life together, and he made some bad choices. He got addicted to the high of a drug, something he swore he would never do in elementary school with the little red bands, and it all just kinda went downhill from there.”

Dean grimaced, squeezing Cas’s fingers. “You don’t have to tell me this. I…I know how it goes.” 

But Cas just went on. “And then he and his soulmate weren't together anymore, and there was a period of Castiel’s life where he thought about killing himself everyday, where he harmed himself with a big knife hidden with all his drugs to make himself feel the tiniest bit better.”

Dean looked up; Cas had never told him any of this. This was…this was huge. 

So Cas had been using that knife for what Dean had thought he had been all those years ago. He expected himself to feel a surge of anger, panic, whatever, but instead he felt almost…nothing. That been almost a lifetime ago, almost something out of a dream. That was then, and this was now. Cas was here with him and completely okay. And funny enough, the old Dean never had this philosophy ever, but, the past was in the past. 

“But then,” Cas smiled, looking down at Dean and smiling the happiest smile as he pulled Dean up and kissed him gently on the forehead. “it got better, despite all the times he thought it never would. Little Castiel got through it, and before he knew it, he and his soulmate were back together again and the woman was in jail for a lifetime and he was married to his soulmate. And before he knew it, 10 years had passed, he was 30 years old and still happily married, and lying in bed telling a story to his asshole soul mate at 5:30 PM because there was a Christmas party to get to in a few hours.”

Dean leaned in and kissed Cas tenderly, smushing their noses together as he whispered, “That was a very good story.”

“You like it?” Cas whispered back, smoothing the fine hairs at the back of Dean’s neck. 

“Would’ve changed just one thing, though,” Dean muttered as he closed his eyes.

“Oh yeah? And what’s that?”

“More erotica, yanno. Every story’s gotta have some.”

Cas chuckled. “Go to sleep, darling. Long night ahead of us.”

********************************

“I still think you should wear an ugly Christmas sweater,” Cas reminded Dean for the 1000th time as he stripped off his shirt, getting ready. “You have the one Sam gave you last year.”

“Cas, that was a gag gift! No way.”

“Well,” sighed Cas, pulling on his own hideous ugly sweater that exceeded all standards of ugly. It was bright red and green with reindeers and snow and smiling Santas and basically everything _ugh_. Of course, the Milton was in love with the damn thing. “it was worth a try.”

Dean nodded, thumbing through his own closet as he decided what to wear. Normally he would've just grabbed whatever smelled fine and thrown it on, but they were finally getting to see Anna and Eric and their two little kids, 6 year old Melody and 3 year old Toby, in over 2 and a half years. Last time Dean and Cas had seen them, Toby was a tiny little munchkin that cried for no apparent reason and just slept and pooped, whilst Melody was a cheery little girl who always asked Dean to do magic tricks for her and wore cute dresses and pigtails. They kept in touch, of course, and video chatted almost every week, but it was never the same as face to face. 

Anna and Eric had both ended up famous photographers, which caused them to get to travel the world like they had both always wanted to. Of course, that meant never knowing where the hell they were sometimes and never getting to build that relationship with Melody and Toby, but the two soul mates were living the dream with their little family and they got awesome pictures of cool landscapes and the most exotic things emailed to them almost every day.

It worked. 

Sam and Jess were living the dream too. Sam ended up a lawyer as he’d always wanted to (and no Dean did _not_ cry when he finally got his Law degree), kicking ass and taking names in the courtroom while Jess worked as a nurse. They had a little blonde 5 year old girl named Mary who Dean considered his own and a beautiful cozy house in the suburbs. 

Seeing all of those families always made Dean yearn for more, and he asked, for the billionth time ever since Melody, the oldest of all three kids, had been born, “Cas, why don't we have kids? We should have kids.”

He didn’t particularly see it, but knew from experience that Cas was smiling that smile he smiled whenever Dean asked. The one that was wistful and happy and sad all at once. 

“Dean, you know why,” Cas answered patiently, “we don’t have _time_ for kids. I’m on my third year on my general surgery residency, and the hours are only going to get worse from here.”

“Worse?” Dean groaned, extremely frustrated as he picked out a somewhat nice red and green flannel to wear and started to take off his shirt, “I barely see your face around here! You’re always at that damn hospital, and when you come home, your nose is always buried in some stupid textbook,” he grumbled. “The only reason I work a full time job at the garage is because you're constantly working and I’m bored sitting home alone.”

Cas smiled again, but didn't reply this time, just quietly told Dean to get ready or they were going to be late.

*************************

Anna looked beautiful. She had a healthy tan and manicured fingers, and she was looking the happiest Cas had seen her. 2 kids hadn’t diminished one bit of her energy, and she jumped, squealing as soon as Cas opened the door and throwing herself at him, wrapping her arms tightly around her brother’s neck.

“Cassy!”

Cas felt warmth all over his body, and he closed his eyes as he buried his face in her shoulder, tears prickling at his eyes and threatening to spill. 

He sighed contently. “Anna.”

They held on to each other for the longest time, slightly swaying. Cas was aware of Eric and the kids going around the hugging twin duo, of Sam, Jess, and Kate exclaiming out when they saw the Winstons, of Dean calling Toby “little man” and asking if he remembered his uncle Dean from the video chats, and Melody and Mary bonding over Barbies and monster trucks, out of all things- but then again, who was he to enforce gender roles?

Anna was the first one to pull away, holding him at arm’s length and taking a good look at him. She laughed, squeezing his left bicep.

“You’ve gained some muscle, little bro”

Cas felt himself go red. “I’m a grown man, Anna. Have to get in shape or I’ll-”

“Sam get you into that diet health crap, huh?”

“Yeah, pretty much. Dean hates it.”

She laughed again, and Cas relished in it, the sound of his sister laughing and his family behind him. It was Christmas eve, and there were gingerbread cookies in the oven, a large Christmas tree near the fireplace, and snow covering the ground like a giant white blanket. Anna went off to join the others with a kiss on her brother’s cheek. 

Suddenly, Cas felt small hands shaking around his leg, and there was Melody, with Anna’s hazel eyes and Eric’s black hair, shining up at him.

“Uncle Cas!” Melody exclaimed, with such a childish excitement that it made Cas feel giddy himself as he crouched down.

“How’s my princess?” he asked, ruffling their hair. “Haven’t seen you in forever! Look how tall you’ve grown.”

It was bittersweet, in a way, that she had grown up without him being there, without watching it with his very eyes. Cas knew that Anna and Eric loved their life, and so did their kids, but being there for his niece and nephew, holding the crayon as he marked their height on the door, that was something that he desperately wanted to do. Having kids of their own wasn't an option, so he had to make up for it with Mary living an hour away and Melody and Toby living God knows where.

“Yup!” she said proudly, standing up on her tiptoes to make herself taller. As she smiled, Cas noticed her two front tooth were missing and his heart melted. “Daddy says that someday, I’ll be as tall as Uncle Sam!”

Sam was 6’4”.

Cas chuckled, hugging her tightly and kissing her temple. She smelled like cream and candy, and her little arms curled around his neck. Her pigtails bumped against his nose; A snatch of longing grew larger in Cas’s arms. 

“Staying out of trouble?” he asked when they pulled away.

She nodded seriously.

“Well, shame on you,” Dean appeared from behind them, holding Mary with Toby walking behind him. “Have a little fun. Live your life.”

Cas laughed, kissing Melody’s temple again as she ran off to play with little blonde Mary, who had inherited Sam’s puppy dog eyes and passion for learning, and was always asking questions that no one had an answer for (“Uncle Cas, is time real or something that we measure with a clock?” “Uncle Cas, why do I have two eyes if I only see one thing?” “Uncle Cas, would a shaved baby gorilla look like a really ugly baby, or would it look like a gorilla?” Cas’s particularly favorite one was when Mary was three and had asked in the middle of dinner: “Why does Mommy have a butt on her chest?”). She was always talking to everyone and everything and waved hi to Cas as she sped off with Melody, probably to go play in the game room.

Cas stood up, watching everything unfold in front of him. Sam and Anna were laughing over something as Jess and Eric were setting things up for a cake. Dean was holding Toby and was telling Toby that the last time that they had saw each other, Toby had been only one inch big, something that Toby found extremely hilarious. There were shrieks of laughter as Melody and Mary were probably setting fire to something upstairs, and everything felt like home. 

Toby yawned, resting his head on Dean’s chest and sucking his thumb. Dean smiled.

“He’s not really shy, is he? Just met me in person and he’s falling asleep on me. Probably tired from all that traveling.”

Cas hummed in agreement, too caught up watching his family be a family to give a proper reply. Dean sensed it and turned to Toby, who had already fallen asleep. 

“Ok,” he said, walking away, towards the guest bedroom, “if I put you down, you gonna be a man about it?”

Dean disappeared as Cas was pulled towards the group by Kate, who enveloped him into a quick hug and a pat on the back. 

Kate was still working as a rape advocate, and they had kept in touch through all those years. Someone who had helped them that much wasn't someone that Cas and Dean were just going to forget when it was all over. Cas had found out that Kate’s soul mate had gotten raped then killed by a gang of nobodies when she was 16, and that’s what had pushed her into the job that she had currently. She was single, yes, but that was okay, because life wasn't all just about finding your soulmate and settling down. Kate had friends and family, was working a job that she loved, and was happy. And Cas was happy to have her. She smiled at him, but before she could say much, Eric was addressing the group and they fell silent. 

“So we’re thinking about settling down here,” Eric was saying conversationally to them, as if talking about the weather. Cas’s heart skipped a beat.

“Seriously?” he asked, breathless. Sam and Jess were looking at each other with wide eyes with Kate smiling widely and Anna was poised as if ready to jump. Knowing her, she had probably wanted to tell them the second they had gotten there. 

“Yeah!” she nearly squealed. “The kids don't like traveling as much and they need a good, concrete place to study and live rather than just homeschooling.” 

Cas was speechless. This was what he had wanted forever.

“Well,” he stammered out, “that’s…wow!” It hadn't really sunk in. 

“You guys can live with us while looking for a place to say,” Sam offered.

Eric gave them a wry grin. “Thanks but…actually we already got a little apartment. We’ll stay there until we can get a house.”

“You bastards!” Jess exclaimed as he ran over to hug them both. “You knew all this time and never told us!”

Sam squeezed Jess and Kate and the Winstons into a tight hug, but Cas watched as he slowly processed the information. 

_We’re finally gonna be together._

_I’m finally gonna get to see Melody and Toby grow up._

_I’ll finally get to go to dinner with my sister and parents like when we were young and Dean’ll get to spoil the kids like he spoils Mary and everything’s going to be perfect because we’re finally going to be all together again._

A feeling of giddiness overcame him, and instead of running to join the group hug, he ran the other direction to go get Dean and tell him the good news.

*************************

Dean was still in the bedroom, taking off Toby’s shoes for him and adjusting his arm so it didn't hang over the side of the bed. He smiled softly as he tucked the little boy in, kissing him gently on the forehead, humming “Hey Jude”, something his mom had sung to him instead of a lullaby when he was younger.

Cas watched it all with a pang in his chest. 

“I just realized that I’m doing all the things I wish my dad could've done for Sam and I,” Dean whispered when he had come out of the bedroom and closed the door quietly. John had died 4 years ago, liver cancer, and the Winchesters went to pay their respects to his grave every year. Cas knew that they had basically disowned him when he went to jail, but he was still their dad, and Cas made sure to always be there for Dean whenever it was John’s birthday or the anniversary of his death. “I’m making sure that the kids don't ever feel the way that Dad made me feel,” Dean continued, he was good at sharing what he was feeling and letting it out rather than hiding it and bottling it up, admitting, “unloved and unappreciated.”

When Cas heard that, combined with watching Dean with Mary all those years and tucking Toby in, it was like his decision was made for him. 

“Let’s adopt a kid,” Cas told him, forgetting all about Anna and Eric for the moment and tugging his husband closer. 

A surprised look mixed with an excited one passed over Dean’s face, as if he was thinking it was too good to be true. 

“But I thought-”

“I want a kid,” Cas interrupted, and he really meant it. He realized that he had been wanting one for a long time now. “We’ll make time, like we make time for each other.” He took Dean’s hands in his and kissed them both gently, and Dean smiled, his green eyes glinting in the light. 

“Ok,” he breathed, nodding, “let’s do it.”

The decision was made, final.

Outside, Cas heard Kate, his sister, and Eric talking and laughing, Jess telling the little girls that they could go to the park tomorrow morning, Sam joking that they could “steal someone’s dog to play with for a couple of hours,” and that’s when Cas realized that he was truly happy. That he had made it, and even though for the longest time, he thought he would never be here, with the love of his life, making plans for a kid, with the people he loved just outside the hallway at Christmas Eve, the stars twinkling outside and the smell of home wafting around him. 

They swayed a little, holding each other, and that’s when Cas sensed something above them and looked up. 

Sure enough. Mistletoe. 

Dean chuckled, “Sam and Jess are such dorks.” Cas agreed.

He shrugged, continuing and pretending to look upset and scowling as he said, “Guess we’re gonna have to kiss now.”

Cas smiled, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck as he felt Dean palm his way to his waist. “Guess so, Winchester.”

They kissed, slowly, softly, and sweetly, and Dean tasted like November, like hot chocolate on stormy evenings and crisp autumn air. 

Grinning, Cas pulled away to touch his forehead to Dean’s.There was so much yet so little time all at once, and life’s circumstances were all built around that substance, that idea. How different life would be if Cas hadn't walked into that coffee shop, if Dean hadn't kissed him in the Impala all those years ago, if Anna hadn't been in that accident and met Eric, if Cas hadn't walked out on his 20th birthday to get pizza, if Dean hadn't come back three months later to make things right. If Cas wasn't right here, right now, with the love of his life wrapped up around him and his family and friends in the next room and the exciting prospect of a kid or two in the future. 

Overhead, a large brass clock ticked away, and Cas closed the distance between them again.

_Tick_

_Tock_

_Tick_

_Tock_

_Tick_

_Tock_


End file.
